-Don't look back, they might be gaining on you.
-It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
-Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.
-Budget: A method for going broke methodically.
-Car service: If it ain't broke, we'll break it.
-Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.
-Eat a beaver, save a tree.
-It's called "golf" because all the other four letter words were taken.
-Eat lamb, 20,000 wolfs can't be wrong.
-After all is said and done, more is said than done.
-When God created man, SHE was just foolin' around!
-When you come to the end of jour rope, tie a knot in it and hang on.
-I are a college student
-Have you hugged your computer today?
-Make a mistake today? Don't feel badly... Remember that Babe Ruth struck out 1,330 times.
-Ayuh, been to Maine.
-If at first you don't succeed.... the hell with it.
-Anudder brilyunt mind diztroyed by da publik educashun sistum.
-It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
-A philosopher always knows what to do until it happens to him.
-I get plenty of exercise -- jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck, and dodging deadlines.
-Lack of money is the root of all evil.
-I know it all -- I just can't remember it all at once.
-Life is what happens to you while your making other plans.
-Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
-Every morning is the dawn of a new error...
-A flying saucer results when anudist spills his coffee.
-For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.
-I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...
-The beatings will continue until morale improves.
-I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
-Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.
-Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
-Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
-There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.
-I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
-A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
-I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.
-Don't be so open-minded your brains fall out.
-If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
-Diplomacy - the art of letting someone have your way.
-If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
-I'm not as think as you drunk i am.
-Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
-Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive any ways.
-If you don't die from it -- it is healthy.
-If everything is going well, you don't know what the hell is Going on.
-It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
-There are two kinds of pedestrians -- the quick and the dead.
-An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
-No job is so simple that is can't be done wrong.
-You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
-I am going to live forever or die trying.
-I do whatever my Rice Krispies tell me to.
-I think therefore I am overqualified.
-Bombs don't kill people, explosions kill people.
-I may not be right but, I am never wrong.
-Support mental health, or I'll kill you!!
-Stupidity got us into this mess. Why can't it get us out??
-The Quicker you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
-I'm so poor, I cant even pay attention.
-The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.
-I am having a out of money experience.
-I think therefore I am dangerous.
-Call me insane one more time and I will eat your other eye.
-A person who thinks they know it all is especially annoying to those of us that do.
-If at first you don't succeed skydiving is not for you.
-I brake for brick walls only.
- I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got!
-"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."
- Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
-I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
-The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
-C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit.
-We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
-Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.
-Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
-The secret of the universe is @*&^^^ NO CARRIER
-Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
-I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!
-He who laughs last thinks slowest!
-Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
-"More hay, Trigger?" "No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!"
-A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
-Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
-Error, no keyboard - press F1 to continue.
-There's too much blood in my caffeine system.
-Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
-I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
-Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control!
-Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
-I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.
-Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I.
-Double your drive space - delete Windows!
-What is a "free" gift ? Aren't all gifts free?
-Assassins do it from behind.
-Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
-Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
-Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.
-I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.
-I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
-Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
-When there's a will, I want to be in it.
-Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check?
-Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
-Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
-A closed mouth gathers no feet.
-A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
-A penny saved is ridiculous.
-All that glitters has a high refractive index.
-Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
-Anarchy is better than no government at all.
-Any small object when dropped will hide under a larger object.
-Automobile - A mechanical device that runs up hills and down people.
-Brain -- the apparatus with which we think that we think.
-Computer programmers don't byte, they nibble a bit.
-Computer programmers know how to use their hardware.
-Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
-Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.
-Death is Nature's way of saying 'slow down'.
-Do something unusual today. Accomplish work on the computer.
-Documentation is like sex: When it's good, it's fantastic, when it's bad...
-Don't force it, get a larger hammer.
-Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.
-Drive defensively -- buy a tank.
-Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail friends.
-Entropy isn't what it used to be.
-Familiarity breeds children.
-God didn't create the world in 7 days. He pulled an all-nighter on the 6th.
-Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
-Help support helpless victims of computer error.
-Herblock's Law: if it is good, they will stop making it.
-History does not repeat itself, -- historians merely repeat each other.
-I'm defending her honor, which is more than she ever did.
-If you don't change your direction, you may end up where you were headed.
-I'd insult you, but you're not bright enough to notice.
-In the field of observation, chance favors only the prepared minds.
-It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.
-It works better if you plug it in.
-It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
-Jury -- Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.
-Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
-Life is what happens to you while you are planning to do something else.
-Life's a bitch, then you die.
-Lynch's Law: When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.
-Mediocrity thrives on standardization.
-NyQuil - The stuffy, sneezy, why-the-hell-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
-Old MacDonald had an agricultural real estate tax abatement.
-Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research.
-Reality's the only obstacle to happiness.
-Silver's law: If Murphy's law can go wrong it will.
-Some grow with responsibility, others just swell.
-The attention span of a computer is as long as its electrical cord.
-The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
-The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it.
-The road to to success is always under construction.
-Those who can't write, write help files.
-To be, or not to be, those are the parameters.
-To err is human, to really foul things up requires a computer.
-Today is the last day of your life so far.
-When all else fails, read the instructions.
-When in doubt, don't bother.
-When in doubt, ignore it.
-Xerox does it again and again and again and...
-Everyone has a photographic memory, some don't have film.
-Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
-Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
-I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
-You're not dead, your electroencephalographically challenged.
-You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
-Have you ever wondered how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
-Pardon my driving, I am reloading.
-Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
-Diplomacy is saying "nice doggy" until you find a rock.
-A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
-Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
-Atheism is a nonprofit organization.
-On the other hand, you have different fingers.
-I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
- Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
- Horn broken. Watch for finger.-
- Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.
- All generalizations are false.- Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
- I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
- Forget about World Peace...Visualize using your turn signal.
- It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
- Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.
- Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
- Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
- I love cats...they taste just like chicken.
- Forget the Joneses, I keep us up with the Simpsons.
- Born free...Taxed to death.
- The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
- Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
- Rehab is for quitters.
- I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
- Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let him sleep.
- All men are idiots, and I married their King.
- Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.
- Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
- Montana- At least our cows are sane!
- I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
- Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
- If you don't like the news, go out and make some.
- When you do a good deed, get a reception case heaven is like the IRS.
- Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
- No radio - Already stolen.
- Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
- Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges.
- I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
- OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?
- Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it.
- I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
- Tell me to 'stuff it' - I'm a taxidermist.
- Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students.
- It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
- According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.
- Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.
- Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
- A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
- Reality? Is that where the pizza delivery guy comes from?
- How can I miss you if you won't go away?
- Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
- Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
- Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
- i souport publik edekashun.
- Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...
- Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?
- Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
- Keep honking...I'm reloading.
- Caution: I drive like you do
- I have the heart of a child, the brain of a genius, and the hands of surgeon...and I keep them in a jar under my bed
-On the other hand, the early worm gets eaten.
-Even if you're paranoid, maybe they really *are* after you.
-You are accustomed to ostracism from childhood because you are overweight, deformed, stupid, or have an extremely short [deleted].
-All things being equal, you lose.
-Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you like the show?
-Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall down an open manhole cover and die.
-The worst thing about censorship is [deleted by censorship bereau].
-Resistance is useless! (If < 1 ohm)
-Reality is an illusion created by alcoholic deficiency.
-Trust in God, but lock your car.
-Given a conflict, Murphy's law supersedes Newton's.
-If you aren't part of the solution, you're a precipitate.
-To err is human. And stupid.
-Procrastination means never having to say you're sorry.
-Being politically correct means always having to say you're sorry.
-Never hit a man with glasses; hit him with your fist.
-A friend in need is a pest indeed.
-A king's castle is his home.
-Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow they may cancel your VISA.
-Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.
-Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.
-Work is a fine thing if it doesn't take too much of your spare time.
-Ask not for whom the bell tolls, let the machine get it.
-Those who forget the pasta are condemned to reheat it.
-If you can't dazzle them with dexterity, feed them a crock!
-Some drink at the fountain of knowledge...others just gargle.
-Some women get excited about nothing and then marry him.
-High explosives are applicable where truth and logic fail.
-You're never too old to learn something stupid.
-All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.
-It's not an optical illusion, it just looks that way.
-A leading authority is someone lucky who guessed right.
-In case of nuclear war, prayer in schools will be okay.
-Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either.
-Murphy was an optimist.
-If hackers ran the world, there'd be no war--lots of accidents, maybe.
-Hard work never killed anybody...but why take chances?
-When everything comes your way, you're in the wrong lane.
-Enough research will tend to support your theory.
-Know thyself. If you need help, call the CIA.
-Even if you win the rat race, you're still a rat.
-One good turn gets most of the blankets.
-A guy walked into a bar. He was treated for minor injories.
-The light at the end of a tunnel may be an oncoming train.
-An ounce of image is worth a pound of performance.
-Life is cheap. It's the accessories that kill you.
-Eternal nothingness is fine if you're dressed for it.
-So many checks, so little money.
-Get thee down. Be thou funky.
-Remember: 'i' before 'e', except in Budweiser.
-Inside every short man is a tall man doubled over in pain.
-As easy as 3.1415926535897932384626433832795028841.
-If you can still hear the music, it's not loud enough!
-Nobody gets out of the Bermuda Triangle. Not even for lunch.
-Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and the world laughs louder.
-Moderation is good, but boring.
-Heisenburg probably rules.
-If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
-What the hell, go and put all your eggs in one basket.
-Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.
-To err is human, to forgive is against company policy.
-Drag the Joneses down to your level. It's cheaper.
-If you think nobody cares, miss a couple of payments.
-Honour thy error as hidden intention.
-Worship the gods, listen to their advice, but don't lend them money.
-Don't judge a book by its movie.
-Smile, it makes people wonder what you're thinking.
-Chicken little only has to be right once.
-In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
-Practice makes perfeckt.
-If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
-Religions change, but beer and wine remain.
-Love thine enemies...it really pisses them off.
-Everyone loves a moose. Some just don't know it.
-A penny saved is 2.5 grams of zinc alloy.
-If you can't laugh at yourself, make fun of other people.
-Earn cash in your spare time--blackmail your friends.
-Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
-The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
-He's dead, Jim. You grab his wallet, I'll grab his tricorder.
-He who throws mud loses ground.
-Sex is nobody's business but the three people involved.
-A Freudian slip is when you mean one thing and say your mother.
-Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm a schitzophrenic, and so am I.
-Duct tape is like the Force. It has a dark side, it has a light side, and it holds the Universe together.
-Heck was created for those who refuse to believe in Gosh.
-Money is the root of all wealth.
-If at first you don't succeed -- give up! No use being a damn fool.
-A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
-There are few problems that can't be solved with high explosives.
-Start off every day with a smile and get it over with.
-Virtue is it's own punishment.
-There are two times I feel stress--day and night.
-Avoid reality at all costs.
-Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
-When it comes to thought some people stop at nothing.
-Don't use a big word where a diminutive word will suffice.
-A steak a day keeps the cows dead.
-All general statements are false.
-Hellrung's Law: If you wait, it will go away.
-Every silver lining has a cloud.
-The real world is a special case.
-Langsam's Law: Everything depends.
-Most people deserve each other.
-The trouble with getting a life is making the payments.
-Never tell them what you wouldn't want to do.
-Silence is one great art of conversation.
-Nostalgia is okay but not what it used to be.
-All the world's a stage...most of us are just stagehands.
-Statistics show every two minutes another statistic is created.
-There is more room in your head for thoughts than thoughts in your head for room.
-A hell of a fat chance my orange bears had.
-Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac who stays up all night wondering if there really is a Dog?
-The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
-Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
-If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
-Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
-The colder the X-Ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
-Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must befound and stopped.
-Monday is the root of all evil.
-Being superstitious brings bad luck.
-When you're run down the best thing to take is the licence number.
-"Beware of sheep in sheep's clothing.
-Cleanliness is next to clean-limbed, according to Webster's.
-Complex problems have simple, easy-to-understand wrong answers.
-Skydiving...good 'till the last drop.
-Where subtlety fails us we must simply make do with cream pies.
-Get the facts first, THEN panic!
-It's only fun if you can get in trouble
-Reality can be beaten with enough imagination.
-The reward for a job well done is more work.
-The pen is mightier than the sword, until it runs out of ink.
-Patience will come to he who waits for it.
-Never put off to tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
-Money can't buy everything. That's what credit cards are for.
-Good generally conquers evil. Unless, of course, good is stupid.
-What goes around usually gets dizzy and falls over.
-"When in doubt, give > |