-Dammed if I do, dammed if I don't... so damnit I will!
-Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
-What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
-Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
-Out of my mind. Back in 5 minutes.
-As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in schools.
-Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
-I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
-It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE after you.
-If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of mEAT?
-It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
-Forget about World Peace.... Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!
-Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
-i souport publik edekasion
-We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.
-Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?
-I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles.
-There are 2 great secrets to success in life. The first is to not tell everything you know.
-If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.
-One day at a time is all we get, make the most of it!
-Am I getting smart with you?....how would you know?
-The facts, though interesting, are irrelevant.
-Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.
-The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.
-I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.
-I put the "fun" in dysfunctional.
-Life is like a box of chocolates. It's full of nuts.
-Stop Plate Tectonics
-I yell because I care.
-My wife says I never listen to her. At least I think that's what she said.
-I don't believe in the afterlife but I am taking along a change of underwear just in case.
-I's tough to get reallocated when you're the one who's redundant.(from david batzofin)
-Baroque (adj.): When you are out of Monet.
-All I ask is that you treat me no differently than you would the Queen.
-It's obvious you won't survive by your wits alone.
-Does "anal retentive" have a hyphen?
-We have strange and wonderful relationship. You're strange and I'm wonderful.
-A job worth doing is worth complaining about.
-A job worth doing is worth obsessing over.
-Now that I have it all, can I give some of it back?
-The Road to Enlightenment is Long and Difficult. Bring Snacks and a Book to read.
-I'm not just a gardener, I'm a Plant Manager.
-I am Woman. I am Invincible. I am Tired.
-Meetings. The practical alternative to work.
-The Truth is Out There. So what are you doing Here!
-Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won't spoil me.
-Does vacuuming count as Aerobic Exercise?
-I have not yet begun to procrastinate.
-You are here: X
-There's no speed limit on the Information Superhighway.
-Sweat is nature's way of showing you your muscles are crying.
-You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
-Human beings were invented by water as a means of transporting itself from one place to another.
-I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.
-I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
-I looked into their eyes and do you know what I saw? The smell of death.
-Men don't roar, women roar. Then they throw heavy objects.
-Just because you're paranoid, it doesn't mean they're not out to get you.
-If Ignorance is Bliss, why aren't more people happy?
-Stress management in progress. Do not vex.
-Don't count your chickens before they cross the road. (from Larry Burgess)
-If you see a turtle sitting on a stump, you'll know he didn't get there by himself.
-This novel is not to be tossed lightly aside, but to be hurled with great force.
-Life's a bitch--but some of the puppies are cute.
-Been there, done that, got the t shirt.
-You can't have everything, where would you put it?
-I cannot be bought... but I can be rented.
-He ended the job as he began it: fired with enthusiasm.
-I'm not myself today. Maybe I'm you.
-Clean, dependable, hard working....good god what kind of monster have I become?
-Choosing the lesser of two evils, is still choosing evil.-that dead "Dead" guy
-Things always look better when you can't see them.
-New studies show that 100% of all smokers die.
-If I had know I'd live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself.
-Did you ever wonder why they have braille buttons on the DRIVE-UP ATM machines?
-Somewhere in the world there's somebody better than me....But I haven't met him yet.
-The lack of planning on your part, does not constitute an emergency on mine.
-A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
-Clothes make the man, naked people have little or no influence in society.
-So much to do, so litt(hang on a sec...)
-Everything is in walking distance if you have the time.
-Any Idiot can face a crisis; it is this day-to-day living that wears you out.
-It is a wonder that curiosity survives a formal education.
-I can see clearly now, the brain is gone . . . . .
-I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
-If it is neither useful nor beautiful, it doesn't belong in your life.
-Sacred cows make the best hamburger
-Speed kills. Switch to Windows95 and save lives!
-Were your parents disappointed they never had any children?
-When I get to where I'm going, will somebody please tell me where I am?
-I'm busier than a one-legged man at an ass-kicking contest.
-I have a problem with authority. I AM the authority!
-If you can't say something nice about someone, come and sit right here next to me.
-Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
-Hi! I'm a shareware signature! Send $5 if you use me, send $10 for manual!
-"To do is to be." -- Plato "To be is to do." -- Kant "Do be do be do." -- Sinatra
-"What's this thing?" "It's called a MODEM." "And what's this button for?" "Whatever you do, don't touc{{{7bh6xx!{@%%hxbd&$#)$%" "NO CARRIER"
-Last night as I lay in bed looking at the stars I thought: "Where the hell is the ceiling?!"
-I have a firm grip on reality. Now I can strangle it.
-"Push to test." "Release to detonate."
-The statement below is true.
-The statement above is false.
-Don't be so open minded that your brains fall out.
-If God though that nudity was OK, we would have been born naked.
-CAUTION: The person whose toes you step on today may be the ass you have to kiss tomorrow.
-To err is only human, to forgive is not company policy!
-My mind is like a tape player with one button -- erase.
-Do catfish have nine lives?
-What could have happened....did.
-Thinking is the best way to travel.
-If those who know won't say, then those who don't know will say.
-He that hurts me, but does not kill me, had better have damn good life insurance.
-The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the one who is doing it.
-If you push the 'extra ice' button on the soft drink vending machine, you won't get any ice. If you push the 'no ice' button, you'll get ice, but no cup.
-Electronic mail: A communications system with built-in delays and errors designed to emulate those of the US Postal Service.
-People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
-Where there is no police, there is no speed limit.
-If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize yourself as part of the problem.
-We don't care. We don't have to. We're the Phone Company.
-An artist should be fit for the best society and keep out of it.
-'Programming' - like 'loving' - is a single word that encompasses an infinitude of activities.
-If we were meant to fly, we wouldn't keep losing our luggage.
-Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.
-Convictions are more dangerous enemies of truth than lies.
-If today is the first day of the rest of your life, what the hell was yesterday?
-As soon as you mention something... if it's good, it goes away... if it's bad, it happens.
-Experience is what causes a person to make new mistakes instead of old ones.
-Peace: In international affairs, a period of cheating between two countries.
-France? I would have loved it - without the French.
-A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.
-Time is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at once.
-There are times when you have to choose between being human and having good taste.
-If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; but if you really make them think they'll hate you.
-God must love the Common Man; He made so many of them.
-People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.
-It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.
-I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path.
-Misfortune: The kind of fortune that never misses.
-The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation.
-If value corrupts then absolute value corrupts absolutely.
-If it feels good, don't do it.
-No man is an island, but some of us are long peninsulas.
-Success isn't how far you got, but the distance you travelled from where you started.
-To achieve great things, we must live as though we were never going to die.
-The chief cause of problems is solutions.
-Prevention is better than cure.
-Anyone who hates Dogs and Kids Can't be All Bad.
-At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will find at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on the computer.
-If you wish to live wisely, ignore sayings - including this one.
-Never invest your money in anything that eats or needs painting.
-Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
-Intolerance is the last defense of the insecure.
-I can't decide whether to commit suicide or go bowling.
-I can't understand it. I can't even understand the people who can understand it.
-People very rarely think in groups; they talk together, they exchange information, they adjudicate, they make compromises. But they do not think; they do not create.
-Indecision is the key to flexibility.
-The weather is here, wish you were beautiful.
-Microsoft Windows 95, 96, 97, 98, 99, 00!
-It pays to remember your social obligations. If you don't go to other people's funerals, they won't go to yours.
-You have played enough; you have eaten and drunk enough. Now it is time for you to depart.
-Coming soon: Windows NT for the Nintendo!
-It hurts to be on the cutting edge.
-Lend money to a bad debtor and he will hate you.
-I'm a very modest person. And damn proud of it.
-Conformity obstructs progress.
-Equal bytes for women.
-You cannot propel youself forward by patting yourself on the back.
-Vuja De - The Feeling You've Never Been Here
-The easy way is always the hardest way.
-I eat bran-I'm just a regular girl.
-I live in a house but belong in a home.
-If it ain't broke, fix it till it is.
-I don't get even, I get odder.
-In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
-I considered atheism but there weren't enough holidays.
-I am an escapee of a political correction facility.
-I feel more like I do now than I did before I started.
-Improve the postal system--mail their pay checks!
-This is like de ja vu all over again!
-I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it.
-A procrastinators work is never done.
-Chopped cabbage, not just a good idea, it's the slaw.
-And Jesus said "Hey, moses, I can see your house from up here!"
-Dijon vu- the same mustard as before.
-Excuse me while I dance a little jig of despair.
-I am a nutritional overachiever
-I believe in youthenasia
-Baby philosophy-if it stinks, change it.
-I remember when virtual reality was 2 bucks a hit and ya didn't need expensive hardware.
-I tease about drugs alot, but in reality, I take them seriously.
-Guests Who Kill Talk Show Hosts, on the LAST Oprah.
-Me a sceptic? I hope you have proof.
-Never trust a pitbull named Fluffy.
-Behind every great woman-- is her butt.
-Kennedy family favorite sexual position--defendant.
-My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.
-I already am paranoid, but am I paranoid enough?
-Push button phones are depressing.
-I talk to myself because I like dealing with a better class of people.
-I think sex is better than logic but I can't prove it.
-All I want is a warm bed, a kind word and unlimited power.
-I'd offer you a twinkie but I am not a hostess.
-I'll listen to logic and reason when it comes out on cd.
-Good with kids--better without them.
-I am not asking you to live in sin, just visit for a while.
-Not afraid of heights--afraid of widths.
-She is SO young her vibrator is Fisher Price.
-We've upped our standards, now up yours.
-When did my wild oats turn to shredded wheat?
-Practice safe eating-- always use condiments.
-I had a tail but traded it for crack
-A day without sunshine is like night.
-I got food poisoning today. Don't know when I'll use it.
-What a coincidence! I am shallow too!
-Elevators smell different to midgets
-I have kleptomania. When it gets bad, I take something for it.
-If marriage was outlawed, only outlaws would have inlaws.
-Immaturity--when the big hand is on the....
-I just need enough to tide me over til I need more.
-I was on a roll, til I slipped on the butter.
-If I wanted to listen to an asshole I woulda farted.
-If it weren't for me, there'd just be a pile of my clothes on the floor
-Have you seen Quasimoto-I had a hunch he was back.
-I couldn't possibly fail to disagree with you less.
-If it wasn't so cold out today, it would be warmer.
-I'm so far behind I think I'm first.
-One good turn gets the whole blanket
-My yin and yang are no longer on speaking terms.
-My new shockproof, water resistant, antimagnetic watch caught on fire.
-My cow died, I don't need your bull.
-If buttheads could fly, this place would need an air traffic controller.
-Friends--the people who stab ya in the front.
-You must be from the shallow end of the gene pool.
-Someone must have peed in your gene pool.
-When a cow laughs real hard, does milk come out of it's nose?
-Where am I and what am I doing in this handbasket?
-With friends like you, who needs enemas.
-Pretend to hurt me, I am pseudomasochistic.
-I wore a short sleeved shirt today, it is my right to bare arms
-Visualize whirled peas.
-When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.
-Whoever said "Just say no!" didn't have kids.
-People who think they know everything are the easiest to fool.
-Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.
-A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.
-There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to do it over.
-Every solution breeds new problems.
-Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.
-If a person offends you, and you are in doubt as to whether it was intentional or not, do not resort to extreme measures; simply watch your chance and hit him with a brick. (Mark Twain)
-The one serious conviction that a man should have is that nothing is to be taken too seriously.
-It's impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
-Better to be silent and be thought a fool than to open your mouth and prove it.
-A paranoid is someone who has all the facts at his disposal.
-Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
-The best cure for an active sex life is several years of marriage.
-Housework is endless. Life isn't.
-Lood out for #1. Don't step in #2 either.
-The friends who are most stimulating to us are those who disagree with us.
-If everything is coming your way then you're in the wrong lane.
-When you make your mark in the world, watch out for guys with erasers.
-According to the latest official figures, 43 per cent of all statistics are totally worthless.
-Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
-The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the population is growing.
-Remember: Silly is a state of Mind, Stupid is a way of Life.
-Ideas don't stay in some minds very long because they don't like solitaryconfinement.
-Life is like a buffet; it's not good but there's plenty of it.
-Time is the enemy of all things.
-It takes a big man to admit when he's wrong, and an even bigger one to keep his mouth shut when he's right.
-When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.
-The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing and to watch someone else do it
wrong without comment.
-You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd.
-Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.
-It is never too late to be what you might have been.
-To get something done, a committee should consist of no more than three men, two of them absent.
-The best thing about growing older is that it takes such a long time.
-If you understand what you're doing, you're not learning anything.
-Put no trust in cryptic comments.
-Twenty per cent of Zero is Better than Nothing.
-Keep your friends close and your enemies closer.
-You can only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.
-It is in changing that things find their purpose.
-Every time I think I know where it's at, they move it.
-You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.
-Men of antiquity study to improve themselves, not to impress others.
-One cannot make an omelette without breaking eggs -- but it is amazing how many eggs one can break
without making a decent omelette.
-There are people so addicted to exaggeration that they can't tell the truth without lying.
-If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
-Famous last words: It's always sunny there this time of the year.
-Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above average drivers.
-Not to mend one's ways when one has erred is to err indeed.
-Famous last words: You and what army?
-Of course there's no reason for it, it's just our policy.
-It is only the most intelligent and the most ignorant who are not susceptible to change.
-Do what you can - with what you have - where you are.
-The road to success is always under construction.
-If I were thou, I'd call me us.
-Just because everything is different doesn't mean anything has changed.
-Abstainer, n.: A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.
-Ideas are funny little things. They won't work unless you do.
-Arithmetic is being able to count up to 20 without taking off your shoes.
-Reality is for people who lack imagination.
-Every improvement in communication makes the bore more terrible.
-Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm.
-There's no easy quick way out, we're gonna have to live through our whole lives, win, lose, or draw.
-The best way to make a fire with two sticks is to make sure one of them is a match.
-Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
-When a fellow says, "It ain't the money but the principle of the thing," it's the money.
-Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it.
-To live in fear is not to live at all.
-You can't fall off the floor.
-When all other means of communication fail, try words.
-Nobody believes a rumor here until it's officially denied.
-All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.
-Don't change the reason, just change the excuses!
-You can build a throne with bayonets, but you can't sit on it for long.
-As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong?
-Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
-The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.
-Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from |