Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't live there.
If a cow laughs, does milk come out her nose?
Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."
After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?
I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
Do they have reserved parking for non handicapped people at the Special Olympics?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?
What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
Why do they wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?
What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Why do you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?
Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do orientals throw hamburgers?
Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
Why do people without a watch look at their wrist when you ask them what time it is?
Why do you ask someone without a watch what time it is?
The light went out, but where to?
Why do banks charge you a "non sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?
Does the reverse side also have a reverse side?
If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss?? It sounds like a near hit to me!!
Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosylabic"?
Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not adoor?
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?
Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?
Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer ?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
Sooner or later, doesn't EVERYONE stop smoking?
Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?
War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.
After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?
How can there be self-help "groups"?
If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
If someone has a mid-life crises while playing hide & seek, does he automatically lose because he can't find himself?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow, but only to be troubled and insecure?
Is there another word for synonym?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Just "before" someone gets nervous, do they experience cocoons in their stomach?
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket signs?
When you open a new bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder Why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
Why Isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why do they report power outages on TV?
Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?
If you lived in the Dark Ages and you were a catapult operator, I bet the most common question you would get asked is 'Can't you make it shoot farther?' 'No, I'm sorry. That's as far as it shoots.'
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, 'God is crying.' And if he asks why God is crying another cute thing to tell him is, 'Probably because of something you did.'
I hope if dogs ever take over the world and they choose a king I hope they don't go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.
In stead of giving 'answers' on a math test, they should call them 'impressions,': and if you got a different 'impression,' so what, can't we all be brothers?
Why do we drive on 'parkways' and park on 'driveways'?
Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at that word itself. MANKIND. Basically, it's made of two separate words: 'mank' and 'ind'. What do these words mean? It's a mystery and that's why so is mankind.
The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to teach them some tricks. But only if you're serious about adopting the vulture.
Consider the daffodil. And while you are doing that I am over here going threw all your stuff.
Most of the time it wa probably real bad being stuck down in a dungeon. But some days, when there was a real bad storm outside, you'd look out your little window and think, 'Boy, I'm glad I'm not out in that.'
Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me?
Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're yanking to. Then on the way out, slam the door.
If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now.
When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got courious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who the person was, and why they had horns.
I can picture in my mind a world with out war, a world with out hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.
As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it noting more than a bunch of honking and yelling? And sometimes it seemed that way.
Why do when you send something on a ship it is called 'cargo' and if it is sent in a car it is 'shipment'?
If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let 'em go, because, man, they're gone.
If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in a mirror, because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic.
I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that Id just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway.
I think a good gift for the president would be a chocolate revolver. And since he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and hand it to him.
If you go flying back threw time and see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.
It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it, It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.
Probably the first fly swatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.
Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. but then I think, what if I was an ant and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.
Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular window.
During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not putting on your armor because you were 'just going down to the corner.
Here's a good thing to do if you go to a party and you don't know anybody: First take out the garbage. Then go around and collect any extra garbage that people might have, like a crumpled napkin, and take that out too. Pretty soon people will want to meet the busy garbage person.
If you are a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.
If you ever crawl inside an hallow log and go to sleep, and while you're are in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you.
For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: why not add a lemon to each jar, for freshness?
I'd like to see a nature film where an eagle swoops down and pulls a fish out of a lake, and then maybe he's flying along, low to the ground and the fish pulls a worm out ot the ground. Now that's a documentary.
If I was the head of a country that lost a war, and I had to sign a peace treaty, just as I was signing, I'd glance over the treaty and then suddenly act suppressed. 'Wait a minute! I thought we won!'
I hope that after I die, people will say of me: 'She sure owed me a lot of money.'
I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then, yahoo!, I'd have all my money back.
The tired and thirsty prospector threw himself down at the edge of the watering hole and started to drink. but then he looked around and saw skulls and bones everywhere. 'Uh-oh,' he thought. 'This watering hole is reserved for skeletons.'
I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later when you might think you're having a good idea but it is just eggs hatching.
To me it is a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says,'Hey, can you give me a hand?' You can say, 'Sorry, I got these sacks.'
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