Barbie Barbie Barbie - Miscellaneous - http://maxpages.com/myemptyspace/Barbie_Barbie

The recent announcement that Mattel and the producers of "Baywatch" have
joined forces to create Baywatch Barbie came as no surprise. After all, both
companies have made millions off airheads with flawless skins, Malibu tans
and synthetic breasts.

If Baywatch Barbie sells well, other Barbie/TV tie-ins seem certain to
follow. Some possibilities:

Melrose Place Barbie: Comes complete with her Barbie Dream Apartment,
where Skipper and the rest of the gang live rent-free. Accessories
include a bottle of vodka, silk sheets, and an arrest warrant.

Dr. Barbie, Medicine Woman: This helpful doll offers other homesteaders
important tips like what conditioner to use out on the Plains and how to take
care of their nails while shoeing a horse.

America's Most Wanted Barbie: She's on the run after 30 years of crime
against feminism.

Oprah Barbie: Push a button on her back and this Barbie actually speaks!
Hold your very own talk show with topics like how tough math class is,
Ballerina Barbie's struggle with bulimia, Kens who wear Barbie's clothes.

My So-Called Barbie: She faces the same troubling issues as regular teens who
don't have huge wardrobes, perfect bods, pools, and ponies.

Roseanne Barbie: The dark side of the American dream is explored with this
doll, which shows what happened after Barbie graduated from high school,
married too young and ate too much.

Murder, Barbie Wrote: Whenever this elder stateswoman of the Barbie set
(she's 27!) arrives in the playhouse, all the other dolls mysteriously
disappear.

Dinner Roll Barbie: A Barbie with multiple love handles, double chin, a
real curvy belly, generous dimensions, and voluminous thighs to show
girls that voluptuousness is also beautiful. Comes with a miniature
basket of dinner rolls, Bucket o' Fried Chicken, tiny Entenmann's walnut
ring, a brick of Sealtest ice cream, three packs of potato chips, a t-shirt
reading "Only the Weak Don't Eat," and, of course, an appetite.

Birkenstock Barbie: Finally, a Barbie doll with horizontal feet and
comfortable sandals. Made from recycled materials.

Bisexual Barbie: Comes in a package with Skipper and Ken.

Bite-The-Bullet Barbie: An anthropologist Barbie with pith helmet, camera,
detachable limbs, fake blood, and the ability to perform surgery on herself
in the Outback.

Blue Collar Barbie: Comes with overalls, protective goggles, lunch pail,UAW
membership, pamphlet on union-organizing and pay scales for women as compared
to men. Waitressing outfits and cashier's aprons may be purchased separately
for Barbies who are holding down second jobs in order to make ends meet.

Our Barbies Ourselves: Anatomically correct Barbie, both inside and out,
comes with spreadable legs, her own speculum, magnifying glass, and detailed
diagrams of female anatomy so that little girls can learn about their bodies
in a friendly, non-threatening way. Also included: tiny Kotex, booklets
on >sexual responsibility. Accessories such as contraceptives, sex toys,
expanding uterus with fetus at various stages of development, and breast
pump are all optional, underscoring that each young woman has the right to
choose what she does with her own Barbie.

Rabbi Barbie: So why not? Women rabbis are on the cutting edge in
Judaism. Rebbe Barbie comes with tiny satin yarmulke, prayer shawl,
teffilin, silver kaddish cup, Torah scrolls. Optional: tiny mezzuzah
for doorway of Barbie Townhouse.

Homegirl Barbie: Truly fly Barble in midriff-bearing shirt and baggy
jeans. Comes with gold jewelry, hip-hop accessories, and plenty of
attitude. Pull cord and she says things like "I don't think so," "Damn, get
outta my face," and "You go, girl." Teaches girls not to take shit from men
and condescending White people.

Transgender Barbie: Formerly known as G.I. Joe.

Robotic Barbie: Hey, kids, experiment with an autonomous two-legged
walking machine! After falling over, she says "Control theory is hard.
Damn these spike heels anyway!"

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Page Updated Wed Jun 13, 2001 10:05pm EDT