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At the height of happy hour, a drunk stood up and yelled, "All lawyers
are assholes."

"Hey, I resent that," a guy at the bar yelled back.

Why?" the first guy asked, "are you a lawyer?"

"No, I'm an asshole."

Submitted by Dom B.

A guy finds a magic lamp, rubs it, and out comes a Genie. The Genie
gives the man 3 wishes, but ads the caveat that whatever he wishes for
goes twice for lawyers.

"I wish to have 10 million dollars," the man says. The Genie grants his
wish and gives double the amount to all lawyers.

"I wish for a loving, sexy, beautiful woman who is eternally devoted to
me." The Genie grants his wish and gives two such woman to all
lawyers.

After some pause the man begins to smile. Intrigued, the Genie asks,
"What is your final wish, my Master."

The man replied, "I wish to donate a kidney."

Submitted by Mike

Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
A: Your honor.

Q: What do you call a lawyer whose gone bad?
A: Senator.

Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!

Q: What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
A: The tick stops draining you and drops off after you're dead.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to roof a house?
A: Depends on how thin you slice them.

Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.

Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.

Q: How can you tell there's an afterlife for lawyers?
A: Because after they die, they lie still.

Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.

Q: How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
A: Shoot him before he hits the water.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus?
A: Never enough.

Q: Have you heard about the lawyers' word processor?
A: No matter what font you select, everything come out in fine print.

Q: What is the difference between God and a lawyer?
A: God doesn't think he's a lawyer.

Q: Why did the lawyer cross the road?
A: To get to the car accident on the other side.

Q: Did you hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers?
A: He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.

Q: Who do lawyers never take their cats to the beach?
A: Their cats keep trying to bury them with sand.

Q: What does a lawyer and a sperm have in common?
A: Both have about a one in 3 million chance of becoming a human
being.

Q: What do lawyers use as contraceptives?
A: Their personalities.

If a vampire bites a lawyer, isn't that cannibalism?

Q: Why did the post office recall the new lawyer stamps?
A: Because people could not tell which side to spit on.

Q: Did you hear about the new microwave lawyer?
A: You spend eight minutes in his office and get billed as if you'd been
there eight hours.

Q: What is the ideal weight of a lawyer?
A: About three pounds, including the urn.

Submitted by Bob

gama@istar

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Page Updated Mon Sep 28, 1998 9:13pm EDT