Sick Jokes - Jokes - http://maxpages.com/melsjokes/Sick

Ok, these jokes are pretty disgusting... enjoy...

Three old men were sitting around talking about who had the worst health problems. The seventy-year old said, "have I got a problem. Every morning I get up at 7:30 and have to take a piss but I have to stand at the toilet for an hour cause my pee barely trickles out."
"Heck, that's nothing," said the eighty-year old. "Every morning at 8:30 I have to take a shit, but I have to sit on the can for hours because of my constipation. It's terrible.
"You think you've got problems," said the Ninety-year old. Every morning at 7:30 I piss like a racehorse, and at 8:30 I shit like a pig. The trouble with me is that I don't wake up until 11:30.

***

This fellow named Sam has been riding Harleys for 25 years and is finally sick of fixing 'em. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Vermont - as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise, it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, Sam is finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there's a big, bearded Vermonter standing there.
"Name's Enoch...your neighbor from four miles over the ridge...havin' a party Saturday...thought you'd like to come."
"Great," Sam says, "after six months of this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you.
As Enoch is leaving he stops. "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem...after 25 years of Harley riding, I can do that with the best of them."
Again, as he starts to leave, Enoch stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."
"Damn!" Sam thinks, "tough crowd...sounds like the Redwood Run." "Well," he says, "I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."
Once again Enoch turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties too."
"Now that is not a problem," says Sam, "remember, I've been alone for six months. I'll definitely be there! By the way...what should I wear to the party?"
Enoch stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want...it's just gonna be the two of us."

***

Two guys were on a long drive back from a fishing trip, when one turned to the other and said he needed to go to the bathroom. So they stopped the truck and he went behind the bushes. Then he came back and the other said "That was fast." "Well I need to take a shit but I've got nothing to wipe my ass with." The other answers, "That's easy just go on back, pull out a dollar, and wipe your ass with it." "O.K." he says as he goes back over to the bush. Later he comes back with a really upset look on his face and says "That was a terrible idea. Not only did I get SHIT all over my hands, I've got 4 Quarters Stuck up my ASS!"

***

A man at a nudist camp got a letter from his mother asking for a picture. Since the only pictures he had were taken in the nude, he cut one in half and mailed her the part showing only from the waste up.His mom wrote back after receiving the photograph and said, "thanks for the picture. Can you grandma have one too?" The guy thought, since grandma can't see well, I'll just give her the bottom half, and he sent it. After getting her grandson's picture, she wrote to him and said, "nice picture, but your hairstyle sure makes you nose look long."

***

A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to
file her taxes.
The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions.
"He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks,
"What is your occupation?"
The woman replies, "I'm a whore."
The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no. That will never work. That is
much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that."
The woman, "Ok, I'm a prostitute."
"No, that is still too crude. Try again."
They both think for a minute, then the woman states, "I'm a chicken
farmer."
The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a
whore or a prostitute?"
"Well, I raised over 1,000 cocks last year."

***

One morning at school, the teacher informed the class that they were going
to play a tasting game. She said that they would stand in line and she
would blindfold the first student and give them something to eat and they
had to guess what it was.
She gave the first student a slice of apple and said, "What do you taste?"
"An apple", the student said. "Very good," says the teacher.
She gave the second student a slice of pear and said, "What do you taste?"
"I'm not sure." said the student, so the teacher gave him another slice.
"Now do you know?" asked the teacher. "I think it's a pear" the student
said. "Very good," says the teacher.
The third student came up, was blindfolded and given a Hershey's Kiss.
"What do you taste?" asked the teacher. Now this student saw that by not
knowing, you get more of the same, so she said "I'm not sure." Sure
enough, she got another piece. "I'm still not sure." she said after
eating the second piece. The teacher gave her a third Hershey's Kiss and
said, "Here's a little clue. It's something your mommy gives your daddy
before bed."
From the back of the line little Johnny shouts, "SPIT IT OUT! IT'S A
PIECE OF ASS!!"

***

A man traveling by plane and in urgent need to use the men's room is nervously tapping his foot on the floor of the aircraft. Each time he tried the men’s' room door, it was "OCCUPIED". The stewardess, aware of his predicament suggested that he go ahead and use the Ladies room, but cautioned him against using any of the buttons inside. The Buttons were marked "WW, WA, PP, and ATR".
Making the mistake that so many men make in disregarding the importance of what a woman says, the man let his curiosity get the best of him and decided to try the buttons anyway.
He carefully pressed the first button marked "WW" and immediately warm water sprayed all over his entire bottom. He thought, "WOW, the women really have it made!" Still curious he pressed the button marked "WA" and a gentle breeze of warm air quickly dried his hind quarters. He thought that was out of this world! The Button marked "PP" yielded a large powder puff which delicately applied a soft talc to his rear. Well, naturally he couldn't resist the last button marked "ATR".
When he woke up in the hospital he panicked and buzzed for the nurse. When she appeared , he cried out, "what happened to me?! The last thing I remember is I was in the ladies room on a business trip!" The nurse replied, "Yes you were having a great time until you pressed the "ATR" button which stands for Automatic Tampon Remover...... Your penis is under your pillow!"

***

A man and his wife were doing yard work. The husband said to his wife, "Your butt is as wide as the grill." She ignored his remark.
A little later, the husband took his measuring tape and measured his wife's rear end while she was bending over working in a flower bed. "Geeze, honey, it IS as wide as the grill!" She again ignored his remark.
Later that night, while in bed, the husband started to feel frisky. He rolled over to start something with his wife and she calmly rolled away from him saying, "If you think I'm gonna fire up the grill for one little wiener, forget it!"

***

There was a fourth grade boy and a fourth grade girl. The fourth grade boy came by the fourth grade girl's house with a football and teased the girl saying, "Ha Ha! You can't have a football cause your a girl."
The girl goes to her mom crying so her mom buys her a football. The boy got angry. So the next day he comes by with a boys bike and teases her saying, "Ha Ha! You can't have a boys bike cause your a girl!"
So the girl goes crying to her mom and she gets a boys bike. The boy gets very mad. So the next day the boy comes by, pulls down his pants and says, "I have one of these and you can't go crying to your mom to get one!!!"
She goes crying to her mom and then the girl comes out pulls up her dress and says, "My mom said as long as I have one of these I can get as many of those that I want!"

***

An 80 year old man walks into a fertility clinic with his 75 year old wife. He walks up to the doctor and tells him of their plan to have another child.
The doctor tells the man he'll need a sperm sample to see if that was possible. He hands the old man a plastic jar and tells him where to go. The old boy takes his wife by the hand and heads for the room.
Two hours later the doctor was begining to wonder if they would ever come out. The two finally emerged looking embarrassed.
"I tried with my left hand, I tried with my right hand, my wife tried with her teeth in, and she tried with her teeth out," cried the man. "But we still can't get the fucking lid off this thing!"

***

A Guy is driving his girlfriend home when she decides she wants to go to
her friends instead. Her friend lives out of the way so she tells her
boyfriend that she would get naked for him if he drove her. The guy says
ok and the girl takes off all her clothes. The boyfriend is so busy
looking at her that he crashes the car and gets stuck between the steering
wheel and the seat. He tells her to go get help and she replied that she
couldn't because she didn't have any clothes on. He replies, "Take my shoe
and cover yourself with it, and go for help!"

She takes the shoe, and covering her privates with it, runs to the closest
gas station. She finds the clerk and says, "Help, my boyfriend is stuck!
Can you help us?"

The clerk replies, "Sorry, I think he's too far in."

***

The state governor of was hosting a costume party. All the
gentry were there, and as they arrived, the doorman would
announce what there characters were.

When one couple arrived, he announced "Mickey and Minnie
Mouse." When another couple arrived, he announced,
"Tarzan and Jane," and so on, as each guest arrived.
Later in the evening, a man arrived dressed only in a pair of
underwear. Apart from that, he was totally naked from headto toe.

"Who do you think you are?" demanded the doorman.
Having ascertained that the man was indeed an invited
guest, the doorman asked, "How shall I announce you?"
The man said, "I'm premature ejaculation."

"I'm very sorry, sir," said the shocked doorman. "I cannot
announce anything like that to such a gathering."

"Okay," said the man, "Just say I came in my pants."

***

An old man and his grandson are enjoying the sunshine in
the backyard. The boy spots a worm sticking its nose out of
the ground so he pulls it out.

His annoyed grandfather says, "You shouldn't have done
that. Now that worm is exposed and it will die from the heat
of the sun or be eaten by a bird."

The kid is crestfallen and so the grandfather tells him that
he'll give him a dollar if he can figure out a way to get the
worm back into the ground.

The kid thinks for a minute and runs off to the house. He
returns a short while later carrying a can of spray starch.
He holds up the worm and sprays it with the starch, then
shoves the worm back into its hole and collects his dollar.

The next morning, the boy is playing out in the backyard. His
grandfather walks over to him and hands him a fifty dollar
bill, and says, "That's from your grandmother! That starch works wonders!"

***

An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery
with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she
whispered to the driver, "I have a dead pussy."

The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and
said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common."

***

A daughter who was concerned that her elderly mother hadn't had an exam in
several years persuaded her mother to let her make an appointment for an exam
with her doctor. She invited her to spend the night and offered to drive her to
the appointment with lunch afterward. On the day of the exam, they went together
to the doctor's office and while the daughter waited in the lobby the mother
nervously undressed, climbed up on the table, and, with the nurse's assistance,
slid her heels into the stirrups. The doctor came in, greeted her pleasantly,
then settled onto his stool. "My aren't we FANCY today!" he exclaimed as he
lifted the sheet draped over the old lady's upraised knees. Shocked, she had no
idea what the doctor meant. When the exam was over, she hurriedly got dressed
and rushed out to meet her daughter in the waiting room. In a panic, she
repeated what the doctor said. "What in the world do you think he meant by
that?" the mother asked, bewildered. " I have no idea, Mother. What did you do
to prepare for the exam?" "Well, I showered, and I used some of that feminine
deodorant spray in your bathroom," the mother replied. There was a slight pause
as she looked her mother in the eye. "I don't HAVE any feminine deodorant spray,
Mother." "Yes you do-that tall pink-and-gold can." "Mother ! That's not
deodorant. That's gold glitter hairspray!"

***

A cowboy rides into town and stops at the saloon, gets off
his horse walks around to the back of it, lifts up the tail and
kisses it smack on the ass,

The bartender inside the bar notices this transaction and
thinks it a little strange. When the cowboy saunters up to
the bar and orders a drink the bartender asks him, "I noticed
when you got off your horse you walked behind it and kissed
it on the ass. Can I ask why?"

The cowboy answers "Chapped lips".

"Wow!" says the bartender. "It cures chapped lips?"

"No, but it sure as hell keeps you from licking them."

***

I read this one and couldn't help but relate it to a pal of mine :)

A Scottish man was at a baseball game.

It was the first time he had ever seen the sport so he sat
quietly. The first batter approached the plate, took a few
swings and then hit a double. Everyone was on their feet
screaming "Run, Run!"

This happened two more times, with a single and a triple.
The Scottish man was now excited and ready to get into the
game.

The next batter came up and four balls went by. The umpire
called "walk" and the batter started on a slow trot to first.
The Scotsman, extremely excited now, stood up and
screamed, "R-R-Run ye basstarrd, rrrun!"

Everyone around him started laughing so the Scotsman,
extremely embarrassed, sat back down. The fan sitting next
to the Scotsman noticed his embarrassment, so he leaned
over and explained, "He can't run because he got four balls."

The Scotsman immediately stood up and screamed, "Walk
with pride, man! Walk with pride!"

***

One evening after work several guys were going out to have a drink or two
and were trying to convince a married friend that he should come too. "I
can't," the man said, " my wife would kill me." After 15 minutes of
persuasion by his friends he finally caves in and goes.

Later looking at his watch he realizes that it is midnight and he still
has not gone home. He immediately rushes home trying to figure a way out
of the trouble he's in. Upon his arrival, he walks into the bedroom and
sees his wife's legs sticking out of the covers.

"I know" he thinks to himself and crawls in between his wife's legs under
the covers and performs oral sex on her until she is satisfied. "That
should do it," he thinks and walks into the bathroom to wash his face. He
turns on the light and there's his wife sitting on the toilet. "What are
you doing in here?" he impatiently screams.

SSShhhhhh! she says, "You'll wake your mother!!!!

***

Top Ten Signs Your Grandparents Are Still Sexually Active:

10. Pair of edible Depends found on bedroom floor.

9. Lately, at night, they put their teeth in the same glass.

8. Grandpa grabs his crotch and complains loudly of "denture-burn."

7. Granny found cuffed to her walker.

6. Not only do you hear the bed squeaking, but also joints.

5. Grandma regularly looks at Grandpa's crotch and claps twice.

4. Your "Grandma" is Anna Nicole Smith.

3. You've just seen the photos in the "BeaverHunt" section of the May
(1927) issue of Hustler.

2. Grandmother starts baking Viagra-chip cookies.

1. Kraft-matic adjustable bed set for "doggystyle."

***

A man decides to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and
feels really good about the results. On his way home he stops at a
newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, "I
hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 35,"
was the reply. "I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.

After that, he goes into McDonald's for lunch, and asks the order taker
the same question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look about 29". "I am
actually 47". This makes him feel really good.

While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She
replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young
there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your
pants and play with your balls for ten minutes, I will be able to tell
your exact age." As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell
and let her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later the old lady
says, "OK, it's done. You are 47." Stunned the man says, "That was
brilliant! How did you do that?"

The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds."

***

mel@melsjokes.com

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Page Updated Sun Jul 16, 2000 10:38am EDT