REALLY SICK JOKES... - Jokes - http://maxpages.com/melsjokes/Really_Sick

Ok, these jokes are not for the week minded...
I would like all of you to know that i am really a nice, not disgusting person..... really

***

The husband wanted to have sex with his wife, but he hated the "chore" of
eating her out. He knew he had to if he was to get any nookie. He starts
to perform on her, and just as he darts his tongue inside her, she lets
out a big fart. He stops what he is doing, looks up at her and says,
"Ahhh, sweetheart, thanks for the breath of fresh air!"

***
A girl is about to tie the knot, and is watching her mother bake biscuits
in the kitchen. "Mom?" she asks, "How do you keep Dad so happy after all
these years of marriage?"

The mother promptly throws a wad of biscuit dough on the floor, hikes up
her dress, squats down, picking the dough up with her snatch. "Practice
this and when you can do it, I'll guarantee that your man will be
satisfied for the rest of his life," said her mother.

So the girl practised and practised until her wedding night. While her
anxious husband waited for her in the bed, she emerged wearing a sexy
negligee, carrying a can of biscuit dough. She opened the can, threw the
dough on the floor, lifted her negligee, and squatted over the dough.

Expecting to only pick up the biscuit she had a very unexpected episode of
gas, which made a thunderous growling sound.

Her husband, startled, jumped from the bed and backed away.

"What's wrong honey?" she asked.

He replied, "Shit, woman!" as he stepped further away. "If that thing
barks like that for a biscuit, I sure as hell don't want to throw any meat
at it!"

***

A man went to a whorehouse to get some practice
performing oral sex on his wife. The woman at the front
desk gave him a key and told him to go to room 319.

The man walked into the room and met the lady of the
evening. He told her why he was there, so she gave him
a few pointers and then told him to go for it.

So, the man began performing oral sex and he was, by
her reaction, pretty good at it. But something strange
happened. A couple of minutes into the deed, he felt
something in his mouth. He spit it into his hand and found
a piece of carrot.

"Oh man, that's nasty!" he thought, but he said nothing
and continued.

A couple of minutes later, he came up with a pea.

"Damn, can't take much more of this. There's something
wrong with this bitch." But again, he said nothing and
gave it one more shot.

A couple of minutes later, he came up with a piece of
chicken. He couldn't stand it any longer.

"I can't do this anymore! I'm gonna throw up!"

"That's funny," remarked the hooker, "that's what the
last guy did."

***
A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's hopelessly lost. It's been
nearly three weeks since he's eaten anything besides what he could forage
and he's been reduced to sleeping in caves and under trees.

One afternoon he comes upon an old mansion in the woods. It has vines
covering most of it and the man can't see any other buildings in the area.
However, he sees smoke coming out of the chimney implying someone is home.

He knocks on the door and an old man answers, with a beard almost down to
the ground. The old man squints his eyes and says, "What do you want?"

The man says, "I've been lost for the past three weeks and haven't had a
decent meal or sleep in that time. I would be most grateful if I could
have a meal and sleep in your house for tonight."

The old Chinese man says, "I'll let you come in on one condition: You
cannot mess around with my granddaughter."

The man, exhausted and hungry readily agrees, saying, "I promise I won't
cause you any trouble. I'll be on my way tomorrow morning"

The old Chinese man counters, "OK, but if I do catch you then I'll give
you the three worst Chinese torture tests ever known to man."

"OK, OK," the man says as he enters the old house. Besides, he thinks to
himself, what kind of woman would live out in the wilderness all her life?

Well, that night, when the man comes down to eat (after showering), he
sees how beautiful the granddaughter is. She is an absolute pearl, and
while he has only been lost three weeks, it has been many, many months
without companionship. And the girl has only seen the occasional monk
besides her grandfather and well, they both can't keep their eyes off each
other throughout the meal.

That night, the man sneaks into the girl's bedroom and they have quite a
time and keep the noise down to a minimum. The man creeps back to his room
later that night thinking to himself, "Any three torture tests would be
worth it after that experience."

Well, the next morning the man wakes up to a heavy weight on his chest. He
opens his eyes and there is this huge rock on his chest. On the rock is a
sign saying, "1st Chinese torture test: 100 lb. rock on your chest."

"What a lame torture test," the man thinks to himself as he gets up and
walks over to the window. He opens the shutter and throws the rock out. On
the backside of the rock is another sign saying, "2nd worst Chinese
torture test: Rock tied to right testicle."

The man, seeing the rock is too far out the window to be grabbed, jumps
out the window after the rock. Outside the window is a third sign saying,
"3rd worst Chinese torture test: Left testicle tied to bedpost."

***

The nervous young bride became irritated by her husband's lusty advances
on their wedding night, and reprimanded him severely.

"I demand proper manners in bed," she declared, "just as I do at the
dinner table."

Amused by his wife's formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled hair and
climbed quietly between the sheets. "Is that better?" he asked, with a
hint of a smile.

"Yes," replied the girl, "much better."

"Very good, darling," the husband whispered. "Now would you be so kind as
to please pass the cunt."

***

A newlywed couple goes to bed early on christmas night. The wife awakes in the middle of the night, wakes her husband and says: "Honey, honey wake up! I had the most amazing dream!"
Husband: "Huh, what was it?"
Wife: "In my dream I saw a christmas tree that was decorated with all different kinds of dicks. There was big ones, small ones, black ones, white ones, and at the top of the tree was the perfect dick: it was long and thick!"
Husband: "Well, it was my dick, right?"
Wife: "No, it was Dennis Rodman's!"
The husband, somewhat annoyed that his wife awoke him to tell him about a dream about Dennis Rodmans dick, rolled over and went to sleep. Later that evening the husband awoke and wakes his wife and says: "Honey, I had the most amazing dream!"
Wife: "What was it?"
Husband: "In my dream I saw a christmas tree that was decorated with all different kinds of pussy's. There was tight ones, loose ones, black ones, white ones, and at the top of the tree was the perfect pussy: it was tight and shaved!"
Wife: "Was it mine?"
Husband: "No, yours was holding the tree up!"

***

Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions.
"First, you must wear a diaphragm."
Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?"
"You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin." Cinderella agrees to be home by 2. a.m.
The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, looking love-struck and "very" satisfied.
"Where have you been?" demands the fairy godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!"
"I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything."
"I know of no prince with that kind of power! What was his name?"
"I can't remember, exactly ... Peter Peter, something or other...."

***

A little boy was walking down the street and he found a condom, which he thought was a "twinkie" He picked it up. A second or two later a teenage boy ran up to him and said,"I'll give ya a buck for that thang in your hand!"
The little boy quickly obliged. When he got home he asked his mom to take him to the store because he had money. His mom asked him where he got the money.
He said: "I found a twinkie and sold it to a boy, but I got the best of the deal. I had already sucked the cream filling out of it!"

***

A guy gets put in a nursing home by his son. He doesn't know if he's going to like it at first, but he decides to give it a shot for his son's sake. The first morning in the nursing home he wakes up with a hard-on. Out of nowhere, a beautiful nurse walks in, kneels down, and blows him without saying a word.
The guy gets on the phone to his son and says, "Son! I love this place! Thank you so much for putting me in this nursing home!" The son says, "Wow, Pop. You sound really happy. What happened?" The old man says, "You won't believe it. I woke up this morning with a hard-on, and the most beautiful nurse I've ever seen in my life came into my room and blew me. Didn't say a word. Just blew me." "Well, that sounds great, Dad. Congratulations." "Well, thank you Son," the old man says, and hangs up the phone.
Later that day, the old man is walking down the hall in his walker. He slips and falls and can't get up. A big hillbilly orderly comes up to him, rips his pants down, and screws him up the butt, and leaves him lying there in a heap. The old man crawls to the phone and calls his son. "You gotta get me outta here, Son, this place is nuts!" "What happened, Pop? You sound terrible!" says the son.
"Well, I was walking with my walker and I fell down and couldn't get up. Then this big hillbilly orderly came by, ripped my pants down, and screwed me up the butt!"
"Well you know , Dad," says the son. "You got a blow job this morning. You gotta take the good with the bad..." "No, you don't understand, Son!" exclaims the old man. "I only get a hard-on once a month! I fall down three, four times a day!"

***

One day a young boy asks mother if he can bath with her. The mother agreed told
the child that he could not look under water. Children being naturally curious
the first thing the child does is look under the water. Seeing his mother's
bush the child asks, "Mom what is that"? Answering in surprise the mother says,
"that is my sponge". This answer satified the child's curiousitiy and he bath
and got out of the tub. When the child was gone Mom decided to shave her pubic
hair as a surprise to dad. The next night the boys asks to bath with his mother
again. Again the mother agrees under the same conditions. Of course the child
looked under the water again and not seeing her bush asked, "Mom where's your
sponge"? Again answering in surprise the mother says, "I lost it". Again the
child was satified.
A few days later Mom was cleaning house and the boy rushed into the house
excited and short winded. Seeing his excitment Mom asks, "what's wrong honey"?
The boy replies in excitment,"Mom I found your sponge". Thinking this to be
cute the Mom asks, "where is it honey"? After a few seconds of catching his
breath the boy answers, "The lady next door has it and she's using it to wipe
dady's face"!!!!!!!!!

***

A fly was soaring 6 inches above the lake's surface.

A nearby fish considers, "If that fly dropped 6 inches I'd
get it!"

A nearby bear considers, "If that fly dropped 6 inches, the
fish would jump out of the water, and I'd get it!"

A nearby hunter considers, "If that fly drops 6 inches, the fish
would jump out of the water, the bear would grab the fish,
and I would shoot the bear."

A nearby mouse considers, "If that fly drops 6 inches, the fish
would jump out of the water, the bear would grab the fish,
the hunter would shoot the bear, and I would steal the
cheese from his sandwich."

A nearby cat considers, "If that fly drops 6 inches, the fish
would jump out of the water, the bear would grab the fish,
the hunter would shoot the bear, the mouse would steal the
cheese from his sandwich, and I would pounce on the mouse."

Suddenly, to everyone surprise, the chain of events begin...

The fly drops 6 inches, the fish jumps out of the water, the
bear grabs the fish, the hunter shoots the bear, the mouse
steals the cheese from his sandwich... but the cat missed the
mouse and fell into the water.

The moral of the story is...

"A Pussy Usually Gets Wet When A Fly Drops 6 Inches."

***

Two women were talking about their lives since they had become nursing
home residents. They both agreed that life was good, but one of the
women, said she was rather upset because her sex life had really died out
since she and her husband had arrived at the nursing home. The other
woman said that her sex life was great! "There is a secret to great sex,"
explained Hazel.

"When my husband is getting ready for bed, I get undressed, lay on the
bed, and put both legs behind my head. Then, when he sees me like that,
he gets really excited and we have wild sex all night!" "I'm going to try
that tonight!" insists Ethel.

When Ethel's husband is getting ready in the
bathroom that evening, she takes off all her clothes. Although it's a
struggle, she gets one leg up and behind her head. Soon, she has the
other leg behind her head too. After accomplishing this great feat, Ethel
falls backwards and can't move. It's not too long before her husband
walks into the bedroom.

With a shocked look on his face, he screams, "For God's sake Ethel, comb
your hair and put your teeth in... you look like an asshole!"

***

mel@melsjokes.com

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Page Updated Mon Jan 22, 2001 8:21am EST