Cool Stuff... - Jokes - http://maxpages.com/melsjokes/Other_cool

I thought this joke appropriate for those of us who work in a fast-food place...

Top Ten Signs You're at a Bad McDonald's
10. Your "Quarter Pounder" has a long, thin tail.
9. The kid serving you has grill marks on his forehead.
8. Sign out front reads, "No shirt, no shoes, no reason you
can't get a job here."7. Their Mayor McCheese was caught in a hotel room smoking
crack.6. Blocking drive-thru is the bloated body of Wendy'sfounder Dave Thomas.
5. Manager takes a bite out of every burger to make sureit's okay.
4. In his photo, employee of the month is holding a mugshot number.
3. You spill vanilla shake and it burns a hole rightthrough your pants.
2. A guy dressed as Ronald McDonald keeps asking to touchyour food.
1. Their slogan: "Did somebody say 'E Coli'?"

***

Things You Learn From the Movies:
1. Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well
within the price range of most people--whether they areemployed or not.
2. At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.
3. Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire
to cut. You will always choose the right one.
4. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the
communications system of any invading alien society.
5. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a
fight involving martial arts: your enemies will wait patiently
to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening
manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
6. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in
your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightlybluish.
7. If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a
world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.
8. Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned
down three days before their retirement.
9. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill
their arch enemies using complicated machinery involving
fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating
sharks, which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes toescape.
10. All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach
the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the manlying beside her.
11. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
12. It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is
someone in the control tower to talk you down.
13. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off--even whilescuba diving.
14. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war
unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of
your sweetheart back home.
15. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German or
Russian officer, it will not be necessary to speak the
language. A German or Russian accent will do.
16. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
17. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious
beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean hiswounds.
18. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be
thrown through it before long.
19. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate
any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
20. Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will
always say: Enter Password Now.
21. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is
necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to
right every few moments.
22. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with
large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
23. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
24. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone
you meet will know all the steps.
25. Police departments give their officers personality tests
to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is
their total opposite.
26. When they are alone, all foreign military officers prefer
to speak to each other in English.

***

Thanks again to Nick for this one...

How to make the HSC fun!

 When an examiner walks past, push up the arm of your jumper to
reveal small, meaningless markings. Look at them as if searching for them,
chant “Yes”, and scribble something on your paper. Now gently smile at the
suspicious looking examiner.
 In the middle of a test, jump up, scream “You can’t have my brain!”
and make a hasty retreat from the back of the hall.
 Crack your knuckles. When someone asks you to be quiet, crack
theirs for them.
 Spend three hours in the test for a subject you know you don’t
have, then ask the examiner why the drama exam is asking for an essay on the
Economic thoughts of Keynes.
 Smuggle a cap gun into the exam. Every time the examiners are not
looking, fire it at them. (Cap gun may be replaced with Water Gun)
 Sit down for the test quietly and calmly. Now rip the test paper up
in your mouth like a savage dog.
 Order a pizza to the exam room for the middle of the test.
 Smuggle a Walkman into the hall. If somebody tries to take it of
you, cry and scream that you need it to communicate with your alien friends,
and that the world may come to an end.
 Tape a label of “BOMB DETONATOR” onto a TV/CD Player Remote
Control. Sit it in a highly visible place during the test. If anyone looks
at it, stroke it chanting “Not to long…”
 Get a hand held tape player that records voices. Recite your whole
test onto the tape, then hand it in.
 Lease the exam area out for the taping of a music video that also
happens to coincide with the middle of the test.
 Write a major motion picture script out for your creative writing
piece.
 Steal the story line of a well known book and replace the names of
the original characters with new names, and hand it in with the same title,
with the name of the same author for your major English Essay.
 Write essays in the Third person. Halfway through, swap to the
second person, and then to the first. If this doesn’t last, write the work
from the view of several of your major personalities.
 Worry the hell out of the examiners by arriving in a straight
jacket and several chains, frothing from the mouth and screaming for human
blood.
 If you are doing related English, compare Huckleberry Finn with a
Ninja Turtles novel.
 In the borders of your essay, write blatently obvious notes.
Examples include: “Paper is high in vitamin pulp” “I wrote this
essay using a pen!” “Congratulations! You’ve put up with three pages
of meaningless drivel!”
 Sign the essay in the name of either A) Famous Rock Stars
B) Dead Poets
C) Well Known Authors
D) Other Students
E) Missing Persons
F) Dead Celebrities
G) Snr. Skase of Majorca
H) People that aren’t really there…
I) Three different people
J) “A Group Effort”
K) Your school Principal
L) Your Teacher
M) Nicholas Fletcher
N) Drug Addicted Celebrities
O) Known Homicidal Maniacs that are currently at large
P) Your porn star name

***

"Ethical Question #1"

It is time to elect the world leader, and your
vote counts. Here are the facts about the
three leading candidates:

Candidate A associates with crooked
politicians, and consults with astrologers.
He's had two mistresses. He also chain
smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.

Candidate B
He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps
until noon, used opium in college and
drinks a quart of whisky every evening.

Candidate C
He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian,
doesn't smoke, drinks an occasional beer and
hasn't had any extramarital affairs.

Which of these candidates would be your choice?

Decide first, no peeking, then scroll down for
the answers....

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Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt
Candidate B is Winston Churchill
Candidate C is Adolph Hitler

Did you choose well?

"Ethical Question #2"

Religious beliefs aside, if you knew a woman
who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already,
three who were deaf, two who were blind, one
mentally retarded, and she had syphilis; and
she was pregnant again, would you
recommend that she have an abortion?

Think before scrolling down...

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//
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Well, if you said 'yes,' you just killed Beethoven...

***

I am usually found dangling but ready for action at any time.

My size may vary, but I am usually 6-8 inches long.

I have hairy things at one end and a hole on the other end.

To use me, insert me into a warm, fleshy, moist opening and thrust me in
and out many times over.

If you listen to someone using me you will recognize the rhythmic, pulsing
sound from the well lubricated movements.

When done, withdraw me and you will find a frothy, sticky white substance,
some of which will need cleaning from the outer surfaces of the opening,
and some from my long glistening shaft.

Once finished with me, you can leave me hanging once again, where I will
wait to be used again...hopefully 2 or 3 times a day, but all too often I
am only used once a day.

What am I???

As you probably already guessed, I am a...

....

....

....

....

....

....

....

....

....

TOOTHBRUSH! You pervert!

***

This next one i just had to put in...

Diary of Snow Shoveled

December 8, 6:00pm: It started to snow. The first snow of the season and
the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching
the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma
Moses print. So romantic, felt like newlyweds again.

December 9, 7:30 a.m.: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white
snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can
there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best
idea I've ever had! Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a
boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the
snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the
driveway, so I got to shovel it again. What a perfect life!

December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a
disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have
a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll
have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow
again. I don't think that is possible. Bob is such a nice man; I'm glad
he's our neighbor.

December 14: Snow, lovely snow - 8? last night. The temperature dropped
to 20?. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath
away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is
the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything
again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but
I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff andpuff so.

December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer.
Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the
freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I
think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all!

December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the
driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an
hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17: Still way below freezing, roads are too icy to go anywhere.
Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay
warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her.
Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God, I
hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own
living room!

December 20: Electricity is back on, but had another 14" of the damned
stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Goddamn snowplow came
by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're
too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware
store around to see about buying a snowblower and they're out. Might have
another shipment in March. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will
have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches
of the white shit fell today, and it is so cold it probably won't melt
until August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to
shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I undressed, pissed, and got
dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a
plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy.
I think the asshole is lying.

December 23: Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0?. The wife
wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she,
nuts!!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did,
but I think she's lying.

December 24: 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke my shovel.
Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch
who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls. I
know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and
then he comes down the street at a 100 mph and throws snow all over where
I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with
her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for the goddamnsnowplow.

December 25: Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the shit tonight. Snowed
in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God, I hate snow. The
snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head
with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's an
idiot. If I have to watch 'Its a Wonderful Life' one more time, I'm going
to kill her.

December 26: Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was
all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27: Temperature dropped to -50? and the pipes froze.

December 28: Warmed up to above -30?. Still snowed in. The bitch is
driving me crazy!!

December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it
could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard of. How dumb does
he think I am?

December 30: Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a
million dollars for the bump on his head. The wife went home to her
mother. 9" predicted.

December 31: Set fire to what's left of the house. Let's see that white
shit stick now! No more shoveling.

January 8: I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep
giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

***

A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming
from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed,
sweating and panting.

"What's up?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman. He
rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his
4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in
your closet and he's got no clothes on!"

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past
his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door.

Sure enough, there was his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet
floor.

"You rotten jerk," says the husband, "my wife's having a heart attack and
you're running around naked scaring the kids."

***

mel@melsjokes.com

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Page Updated Sun Jul 16, 2000 10:30am EDT