More Sick Jokes... - Jokes - http://maxpages.com/melsjokes/More_Sick

I ran out of room on the other page :) enjoy...

***

A bloke goes to a fancy dress party in just his boxer shorts.
"What are you here as?" asks the host.
"I'm premature ejaculation." informs the guest.
Confused, the host asks, "Premature Ejaculation! How do you figure thatout?"
"Don't you get it?" replied the man, "I've come in my pants."

***
Howard had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he
tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense
of shame was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd
hear that soothing voice trying to reassure him -

"Howard, don't worry about it. You're not the first doctor
to sleep with one of your patients and you won't be the
last. And, you're single. So just let it go."

But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality,

"Howard, you're a Veterinarian...."

***
A man came walking up to his grandparent's house when he noticed his
grandfather sitting on the porch, in a rocking chair, with nothing on
from the waist down.

"Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed. The old man looked off in
the distance without answering.

"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the
waist?" he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out
here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's
idea."

***

Q: Why is being in the military like a blowjob?
A: The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

***

Q: What's the first thing Adam said to Eve?

A: Stand back, I don't know how big this thing gets.

***
What has 180 legs and no pubic hair?
The front row of an N Sync concert.

***

In 1993 the American Government funded a study to see why the head of a
man's penis was larger than the shaft. After l year and $180,000.00 they
concluded the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the
man more pleasure during sex.

After the US published the study, France decided to do their own study.
After $250,000.00 and 3 years of research, they concluded it was to give
the woman more pleasure during sex.

Poland, unsatisified with these findings, conducted their own study. After
2 weeks and a cost of $76.46, they concluded that it was to keep a man's
hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.

***
A man and his wife were driving down the road when suddenly they heard,
"Thump, thump." They pulled to the side of the road and stopped so they
could see what the problem was. Once they got out, they noticed that they
had hit a skunk. The wife, being very tenderhearted, began to cry and
begged her husband, "Please, honey, it is not dead...it is just hurt
really bad...can we pleeeeeease take it to the vet?!" After enough
nagging, the husband gave in, grabbed the skunk and headed for the car.
Once they were in the car, he handed the skunk to his wife so she could
hold it while he drove to the vet. She looked at him and said, "ME hold
it?! How?" And he said, just wrap it in a blanket and let it sit on the
seat between your legs. She said, "But...what about the smell?" He
replies, "Don't worry...just hold it's little nose."

***

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when
they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship
that had harpooned his father many years earlier.

He said to the female whale, "Let's both swim under the ship and blow out
of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn
over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and
quickly sank.

Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and
were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were
going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble
them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the
female was becoming reluctant to follow him.

"Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse
to swallow the seamen."

***

A man and his wife have been stranded on a deserted island for many years. One day another man washes up on shore. He and the wife are very attracted to each other right away, but realize certain protocols must be observed.
The husband, however, is very glad to see the second man there. "Now we will be able to have three people doing eight hour shifts in the watchtower, rather than two people doing 12-hour shifts."
The new man is only too happy to help and in fact volunteers to do the first shift. He climbs up the tower and is soon standing watch. Soon the husband and wife start placing stones in a circle to make a fire to cook supper. The second man yells down, "Hey, no fucking!"
They yell back, "We're not fucking!" A few minutes later they start to put driftwood into the stone circle. Again the second man yells down, "Hey, no fucking!" Again they yell back, "We're not fucking!" Later they are putting palm leaves on the roof of their shack to patch leaks. Once again the second man yells down, "Hey, I said no fucking!" They yell back, "We're not fucking!!"
Finally the shift is over so the second man climbs down from the tower and the husband starts to climb up. He's not even halfway up before the wife and second man are screwing each other's brains out. The husband looks out from the tower and says, "Son-of-a-gun. From up here it DOES look like they're fucking."

***

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him the beer and says, "You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! I have a question though, why is your head so small?"
The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times. "One day," he begins, "I was hunting when I got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help and finally realized that it was coming from a frog sitting next to a stream.
So I picked up the frog and it said, "Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you 3 wishes." So I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.
She said, "You now have 3 wishes." I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, "I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger." She nodded, whispered a spell, and POOF! there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!
She then asked, "What will be your second wish?" I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, "I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream." She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. "We then made love for hours!"
Later, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, "You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?" I looked at her and replied, "How about a little head?"

***

Every Sunday 3 boys would go to church and confess. So the first boy went up to the priest. The priest says "What have you done bad in your life son". The boy responds with "I've swore to my mother" The priest says" take one sip of holy water."
The second boys goes up to the priest and the priest says, "What have you done bad in your life son" The boy responds with " I've stolen something". The priest says take two sips of holy water. After every sip the third boy is laughing his head off.
So the third boy goes up to the priest and the priest says, "What have you done bad in your life son" The boy responds with, "I pissed in the holy water."

***

An Arab has spent many days crossing the desert without finding a source
of water. It gets so bad that his camel dies of thirst. He's crawling
through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all
of a sudden he sees a shiny object sticking out of the sand several yards
ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and
discovers that it was a Manischevitz wine bottle. It appears that there
may be a drop or two left in the bottle, so he unscrews the top and out
pops a genie.

"Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three
wishes."

"I'm not going to trust you," says the Arab. "I'm not going to trust a
genie!"

"What do you have to lose? It looks like you're a goner anyway!"

The Arab thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is
right.

"OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink."

***POOF***

The Arab finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And
he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

"OK, kid, what's your second wish."

"My second wish is that I were rich beyond wildest dreams."

***POOF***

The Arab finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold
coins and precious gems.

"OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the Arab says: "I wish I were white and
surrounded by beautiful women."

***POOF***

The Arab is turned into a Tampax.

The MORAL of the story is: Be careful of what you wish for. There may be a
string attached.

***

Two men are on opposite sides of the Earth.One is walking a tightrope.
The other is getting a blowjob from a 90 year old woman.
Both get the exact same thought at the exact same time. What is that thought?

DONT LOOK DOWN!!!

***

It was 5 o'clock in the morning at the U.S. Marine boot camp,
well below freezing, and the soldiers were asleep in their
barracks.

The drill sergeant walked in and bellowed, "This is a birthday
suit inspection! I wanna see you all formed up outside and
butt naked now!"

The soldiers quickly jumped out of bed, naked and shivering,
and ran outside to form up in their three ranks. The segeant
walked out and yelled, "Close up the ranks and conserve
your body heat!" The soldiers complied and moved closer
together.

The captain appeared with his swagger stick. He walked up
to the first soldier and whacked him right across the chest.
"Did that hurt?" he yelled.

"No, Sir!"

"Why not?"

"Because I'm a U.S. Marine, Sir!"

The captain then walked up to the next soldier and whacked
him right across the chest. "Did that hurt?" he yelled.
"No, Sir!"

"Why not?"

"Because I'm a U.S. Marine, Sir!"

The captain was rather impressed with the toughness of the
soldiers, so he walked up to a third soldier. The captain noticed
that the soldier had an enormous erection, so naturally he gave
his target a huge whack with the swagger stick. "Did that hurt?"
he yelled.

"No, Sir!"

"Why not?"

"Because it belongs to the guy behind me, Sir!"

***

As a young farm boy approached puberty, he asked his
father, "When can I get me some sex, Pa?"

The young boy's father didn't like to talk about such things.
He responded sarcastically, "You ain't ready for a women.
Go practice on a gopher hole."

This scene repeated itself a few times in the coming years,
but the father would never talk. Finally, Pa decided to get
the boy a hooker for his sixteenth birthday.

That evening, the doorbell rang. Pa said, "Son, I have a
surprise for you. Tonight, you are going to become a man."

Pa let the hooker in and asked her to teach his son how to
please a women. So, the hooker led the young man upstairs.

A few minutes later, Pa heard a terrible scream. He ran
upstairs and flung the door open to find his son standing
over the hooker, threatening her with a broom handle.

"What in hell are you doin', boy!" asked the father.

"You didn't raise no fool, Pa. I'm checkin' fer gophers!"

***

A woman is in the delivery room giving birth, the doctor tells her to push. She
does and the baby's head pops out. The doctor says, "Oh! Your baby has slanted
eyes." To which she replies "Yeah I heard them Chinese men were pretty good, so
I decided to give them a try.”
The doctor shrugs it off and tells her to push again. This time the baby's body
comes out. "Holy Shit, your baby has a white body," the doctor says. "Yeah I
heard them white men were pretty good so I decided to give them a try," shesaid.
The doctor shrugs it off again and tells her to push again and that will be it.
So she does and the legs come out. "Holy Shit!, your baby has black legs," the
doctor said. "Yeah I heard them black men were pretty good so I decided to give
them a try," she said.
So the doctor shrugs it off again and ties the umbilical cord and slaps the baby
on the ass, it starts to cry. The doctor turns to the woman and asks, "How are
you going to deal with a baby who has slanted eyes, white body, and black legs?"
The woman replies "I'm just glad it didn't bark!"

***

An old lady in a nursing home is wheeling up and down the halls in her
wheelchair making sounds like she's driving a car. As she's going down
the hall an old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but you
were speeding. Can I see your driver's license?"
She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a candy wrapper, and
hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her a warning and sends her on her way.

Up and down the halls she goes again. Again, the same old man jumps out
of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but I saw you cross over the center
line back there. Can I see your registration please?"
She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a store receipt and hands
it to him. He looks it over, gives her another warning and sends her on
her way.

She zooms off again up and down the halls weaving all over.
As she comes to the old man's room again he jumps out. He's stark naked
and has an erection! The old lady in the wheel chair looks up and says,
"Oh no, not the Breathalyzer again!"

***

A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class on a plane.
The woman sneezes, then takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her
legs. The man isn't sure he saw what she did, and decides he is probably
just hallucinating.

A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue and
gently wipes it between her legs. The man is about to go nuts. He can't
believe that he's seeing what he's seeing.

A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue
and gently wipes it between her legs yet again. The man has finally had
all he can handle.

He turns to the woman and says, "Three times you've sneezed, and three
times you've taken a tissue and wiped it between your legs! What kind of
signals are you sending me, or are you just trying to drive me crazy?"

The woman replies, " I am sorry to have disturbed you, sir. I have a rare
condition; when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

The man, now feeling badly, says, "Oh, I'm sorry. What are you taking for
it?"

The woman looks at him, smiles, and says, "Pepper."

***

mel@melsjokes.com

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Page Updated Tue Jan 23, 2001 5:23am EST