Men Jokes - Jokes - http://maxpages.com/melsjokes/Men

Now please realise that i have absolutly nothing against the male species, in fact i quite like some of them... but there just as easy to pay out as we are :)

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Q: Mom's have Mother's Day, Father's have Father's Day. What do single
guys have?
A: Palm Sunday

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Thanks for this one Rowan:

A woman gives birth to a baby, and afterwards the doctor comes in,
and he says, "I have to tell you something about your baby." The
woman sits up in bed and says, "What's wrong with my baby, Doctor?
What's wrong???" The doctor says, "Well, now, nothing's wrong,
exactly, but your baby is a little bit different. Your baby is a
hermaphrodite." The woman says, "A hermaphrodite.... what's that???"
The doctor says, "Well, it means your baby has the...
er...features...of a male and a female." The woman turns pale. She
says, "Oh my god! You mean it has a penis...AND a brain?"

***

According to men: Why are dogs always licking their balls?
Because they can.

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Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.

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Why do men name their penises?
Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the one who makes all their decisions

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Only a man would buy a $500 car and put a $4000 stereo in it.

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How many men does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
5, one to do put in the bulb, and four to listen to him brag about the screwing part.

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How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
Who knows? - did it ever happen??

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Why are women so bad at mathematics?
Because men keep telling them that this (make gap with thumb and forefinger) is 9 inches.

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What is the difference between a man and childbirth?
One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while the other is just having a baby.

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What's easier to make: a snowman or a snowwoman?
A snowwoman is easier to make, because with a snowman you have to hollow out the head and use all that extra snow to make its testicles.

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How are men like chocolates?
A.They never last long enough
B.They always leave stains whenever they get hot.

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"How Men And Dogs Are Alike"

Both take up too much space on the bed.

Both have irrational fears about vacuum
cleaners.

Both are threatened by their own kind.

Both mark their territory.

Both are suspicious of the postman.

Both are bad at asking you questions.

Both pass gas shamelessly.

Both like dominance games.

Both tend to smell riper with age.

Neither of them tells you what's bothering
them.

Neither of them does dishes.

Neither of them notice when you get your
hair cut.

Neither knows how to talk on the telephone.

Neither understands what you see in cats.

The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.

***

"A Man's Strategy for Going to the Bathroom"

1) Walk slowly and proudly up to the bathroom,
make sure everyone knows that is where you
are headed.

2) Enter the bathroom, and quickly check out
the whole room.

3) Look for the right urinal. This is how to pick
your urinal: There must be at least one urinal
between you and the next closest person (on
either side) to you, if this is not available, take
the urinal next to the wall, beside a 'safe looking'
male. If this is also not available, glance at stalls,
or leave bathroom, and return later, to get the
right spot.

4) If proper urinal is available, approach urinal
swiftly, looking straight ahead, never turning
eyes or head. Another approach is to look at the
floor, feet are always good as well.

5) Undo pants, relieve yourself as quickly as
possible, keep head looking down (or eyes
closed and head held looking up) this way no
one will think you are trying to check them out.

6) Shake it off, put it back in your pants.

** Note Steps 7 and 8 are optional, but
recommended in 45 of the 50 states.

7) Wash hands.

8) Attempt to dry hands. Look to see if a blow
dryer or paper towel dispenser is close by. If
not, your clothes will do just fine as a towel.

9) Exit bathroom, do NOT look back, you didn't
forget anything.

10) Check to see if your female companion has
exited the bathroom before you, although highly
unlikely, you must check anyway.

11) Wait patiently for her return, remember to NOT
say things like, "Wow, what took you so long."

***

This next one i found while netsurfing and i thought it was very funny...

They leave the toilet seat up (and your butt gets WET)
They IM you online with "wanna cyber," "wanna have phone sex," and "wanna meet?"

Nintento 64, Playstation, etc....

They like to fart, light farts, have farting contests... ick!

They are obsessed with their penises (do we name our vaginas?)

They talk women's breasts as if that is where their brain has chosen to reside

They never call back even when they promise they will

They wear their pants half way down their asses, and I'm supposed to think they're hot and want to jump their bones.

They want a "smart, down-to-earth, funny girl," who just happens to look like a model and has the libido of a rabbit

They don't realize how sensitive women are and yell at us when we get upset over something THEY think is stupid

They whine and complain like they're dying when they have the flu
They bitch about women's driving and they are the one's with the tickets and accidents! (and their insurance is HIGHER!)

They will cheat on you if given half a chance, and then blame it on the girl

After sex, they get up, raid the fridge, and play video games. How's that for romantic?

They are obsessed with sex. So much, that they beg for it.

They brag about how good they are in bed.. and then when you get them there its like you are screwing a dead fish

They think unhooking a woman's bra is a talent (hey guys we can do it with one hand)

Most of them LIKE football... ick....

***

Some Truths About Men...

1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? Shut the door!
3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up
there.
4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.
5. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.
6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can
tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make
some woman miserable.
8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself
types.
9. Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old
for it.
10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even
in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him
checkbooks.
14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it
means that you laugh at his.
15. Sadly, all men are created equal

***

What men REALLY mean......

"I'm going fishing." Really means...
"I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with
a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"Let's take your car." Really means....
"Mine is full of beer cans, burger wrappers and completely out of gas."

"Woman driver." Really means....
"Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and
has a better driving record than me."

"I don't care what color you paint the kitchen." Really means....
"As long as it's not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray,
mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides white."

"It's a guy thing." Really means....
"There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no
chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?" Really means....
"Why isn't it already on the table?"

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear." Really means...
Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dogdrooling.

"Good idea." Really means....
"It'll never work. And I'll spend the rest of the day gloating."

"Have you lost weight?" Really means....
"I've just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill."

"It would take too long to explain." Really means....
"I have no idea how it works."

"I'm getting more exercise lately." Really means....
"The batteries in the remote are dead."

"I got a lot done." Really means....
"I found 'Waldo' in almost every picture."

"We're going to be late." Really means....
"Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

"You cook just like my mother used to." Really means....
"She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard." Really means....
"I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting, dear." Really means....
"Are you still talking?"

"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love." Really means....
"I forgot our anniversary again."

"You expect too much of me." Really means....
"You want me to stay awake."

"It's a really good movie." Really means....
"It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear."

"That's women's work." Really means....
"It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."

"Will you marry me?" Really means....
"Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is
no more peanut butter."

"Go ask your mother." Really means....
"I am incapable of making a decision."

"You know how bad my memory is." Really means....
"I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I
ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever
owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"Football is a man's game." Really means....
"Women are generally too smart to play it."

"I do help around the house." Really means....
"I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."

"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing." Really means....
"And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I can't find it." Really means....
"It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"What did I do this time?" Really means....
"What did you catch me at?"

"What do you mean, you need new clothes?" Really means....
"You just bought new clothes 3 years ago."

"But I hate to go shopping." Really means....
"Because I always end up outside the dressing room holding your purse."

"No, I left plenty of gas in the car." Really means....
"You may actually get it to start."

"You know I could never love anyone else." Really means....
"I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"You look terrific." Really means....
"Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."

"I brought you a present." Really means....
"It was free ice scraper night at the ball game."

"I missed you." Really means....
"I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of
toilet paper."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are." Really means....
"No one will ever see us alive again."

"We share the housework." Really means....
"I make the messes, she cleans them up."

"This relationship is getting too serious." Really means....
"I like you more than my truck."

"I recycle." Really means....
"We could pay the rent with the money from my empties."

"Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful." Really means....
"Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?"

"It sure snowed last night." Really means....
"I suppose you're going to nag me about shoveling the walk now."

"It's good beer." Really means....
"It was on sale."

"I don't need to read the instructions." Really means....
"I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."

"I'll fix the garbage disposal later." Really means....
"If I wait long enough you'll get frustrated and buy a new one."

"I broke up with her." Really means...."She dumped me."

"I'll take you to a fancy restaurant." Really means....
"Someplace that doesn't have a drive-thru window."

***

God and Adam are talking.
Adam asks God why He made Eve so soft and smooth.
God says, "so you will want her "
Adam asks God why He made her so attractive.
God says, "so you will want her ."
Adam asks God why he made her stupid.
God says, "so she will want you ."

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mel@melsjokes.com

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Page Updated Tue Jul 18, 2000 6:08am EDT