My Fav Jokes and Stuff - Jokes - http://maxpages.com/melsjokes/Mels

I thought these to be absolutly hysterically funny...

***
On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, who loved to play together. One
day,the two were playing together, when the horse fell into a bog, and
began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to
go get the farmer, to go get help! Off the chicken ran, back to the farm.
Arriving, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he
had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied
the farmer's new BMW 7-Series. Finding the keys inside, the chicken sped
off with a length of rope, hoping he still had time to save his friend's
life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken
arrive in the shiny B'mer, and managed to get a hold of the loop of rope
the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of
the farmer's car, the chicken then drove slowly forward, and with the aid
of the powerful car rescued the horse! Happy and proud, the chicken drove
the BMW back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he
returned.

The friendship between the two animals was cemented - best buddies, best
pals. A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon he
too,began to sink, and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse
thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking
underneath, he told the chicken to "grab his thingie" and he would then
lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse
pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story? When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a
BMW to pick up chicks.

***

Top ten ways to be "the funny guy" in your office:

10. Keep telling the same person that they have bad breath even if they
don't, and then punch them in the mouth.

9. Announce in a meeting that you have AIDS. After everyone gives you the
sympathy remarks...tell them how you're just kidding and tell them that
they're all a bunch of queers.

8. Before a meeting, fill your mouth with custard. During the meeting put
one finger in the air and make like you are hocking up a big loogie. Spit
the custard into a clear glass and hand it to the person next to you and
say, "Beat that!"

7. Inform a male coworker that he "wouldn't make a good hooker," then piss
in his coffee and tell him he needs a good "ass fucking."

6. Always walk around with a big smile, and keep one hand down the front
of your pants.

5. Answer every question asked to you with "fuck if I know!" then call the
person a racial slur that doesn't even match their race.

4. Brag about the fact that you own a gun, and keep playing with your
nuts. Get them really sweaty and then walk around shaking everyone's hand.

3. Run down the hall with your dick out while urinating all over and yell,
"It won't stop! God help me! It won't stop!" Then when it stops, look
down and say, "Oh!"

2. Ask to borrow someone's pen, bring it to the bathroom, stick it in your
butt and return it and tell the person to smell it. When they tell you
that it smells bad say, "Well, it should! I had it in my ass!"

1. Shit on the floor in your office and when someone comes in and sees it
tell them it's the fake plastic kind. When they try to pick it up and
realize that their hand is full of shit, laugh and point.

***
***

The Man's Strategy for Going to the Bathroom -

1) Walk slowly and proudly up to the bathroom, make sure everyone knows
that is where you are headed.
2) Enter the bathroom, and quickly check out the whole room.
3) Look for the right urinal. This is how to pick your urinal - There must
be at least one urinal between you and the next closest person (on either
side) to you, if this is not available, take the urinal next to the wall,
beside a 'safe looking' male. If this is also not available, glance at
stalls, or leave bathroom, and return later, to get the right spot.
4) If proper urinal is available, approach urinal swiftly, looking
straight ahead, never turning eyes or head. Another approach is to look at
the floor, feet are always good as well.
5) Undo pants, relieve yourself as quickly as possible, keep head looking
down (or eyes closed and head held looking up) this way no one will think
you are trying to check them out.
6) Shake it off, put it back in your pants. *Note Steps 7 and 8 are
optional, but recommended in 45 of the 50 states.
7) Wash hands.
8) Attempt to dry hands - look to see if a blow dryer or paper towel
dispenser is close by. If not, your clothes will do just fine as a towel.
9) Exit bathroom, do NOT look back, you didn't forget anything.
10) Check to see if your female companion has exited the bathroom before
you, although highly unlikely, you must check anyway.
11) Wait patiently for her return, remember to NOT say things like "Wow,
what took you so long."

***

A Women's Strategy for Going to the Bathroom -

1) Enter bathroom, and start checking each stall, but do NOT check the
first one, first one is bad luck, even if tests prove that it's always the
cleanest. Look to see what stall is the nicest looking, deciding only
after checking every available stall.
2) Decide which is the cleanest stall, and try to get to it before that
other bitch who entered when you did.
3) Mutter "Slut" under breath, when she grabs the stall you wanted, and
make a run for the one you wanted, or that skank who entered after you
will get it.
4) Hang jacket and purse on hooks on door.
5) Take some toilet paper and wipe the seat, pretending you can wipe off
all germs.
6) Line toilet seat with toilet paper, germs are bad!
7) Start to take off all layers of required clothing, be sure nothing
rests on the ground! Use all other hooks available if needed.
8) Sit down on toilet seat very lightly, as not to disturb layer of paper
between you and the seat -- germs are bad!
9) Relax and let the flow go, but make sure your still sitting lightly,
because the paper on the seat can't move, or you'll get germs!
10) Start to dispense the required amount of toilet paper from the roll.
Fold into neat rectangle, and wipe all drips, very careful to not get
germs from the seat!
11) Toss soiled toilet paper into toilet while standing up, watch out for
the germs!
12) Start to put back on the 27 layers of clothing you were wearing, make
sure it looks exactly like it did when you entered bathroom.
13) Put all toilet paper lining seat into toilet.
14) Flush.
15) Grab jacket and purse while unlocking door.
16) Walk to sink, and turn on tap.
17) Put hands under running water for at least 10 seconds.
18) Lather up with lots of soap, and be sure to get anywhere on hands that
was exposed to germs!
19) Rinse soap off hands under water for another 10 seconds.
20) Look for paper towel, if there is none, mumble under breath, and stick
hands under blow dryer for 4 minutes. NEVER WIPE HANDS ON CLOTHING! Make
your move to counter/mirror section.
21) Put jacket to side, blocking that skank who was trying to get your
stall from coming next to you, and make sure your as far away as possible
from that bitch who took your stall.
22) Scoff at the way the bitch who took your stall looks. Her make-up is
all wrong!
23) Spread out contents of purse on counter.
24) Touch up already perfect make-up, for no reason, be sure to take at
least 2 minutes doing this.
25) Organize objects when putting back in purse, a messy purse is bad!
26) Put on jacket, laugh to self at that skank who wanted your stall --
her clothes are gross.
27) Walk out of bathroom, tossing head at the skank who is still putting
make-up on, and make sure you gasp when the bitch who took your stall
scoffs at you.
28) Find boyfriend outside, wonder how he gets done so fast -- you were
really quick this time!

***

When little Tommy got off the school bus he had a bad day at school and he
was pissed off. He started walking up the driveway and he saw a chicken
and he kicked it and continued walking. He then saw a pig and he kicked it
and continued walking, then he saw a cow and he kicked it. Well his mother
saw him do this and said, " For kicking the chicken, the pig and the cow.
You'll have no eggs, no bacon and no milk for a week."

Later that day Tommy's father came home and he had a real bad day at work
and he was really pissed off and he kicked the cat and Tommy looked at his
mother and said, "Do you want to tell him or should I? "

***

mel@melsjokes.com

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Page Updated Sun Jul 16, 2000 10:20am EDT