Female Jokes - Jokes - http://maxpages.com/melsjokes/Female

Its not often that a person will betray their own kind... but hell, we are so easy to pay out...

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Many thanks goes out to Rowan for these delightful comments:

REALITIES THAT GUYS WISH WOMEN WOULD REMEMBER ...

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are... Don't ask us.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat; if it's up, put it down.
3. Don't cut your hair. Ever....
4. Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.
5. We've tried and tried to be nice and friendly, but. get
rid of your cat.
6. Sunday = Sports.
7. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
8. Women wearing Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their
right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
9. You have too many shoes.
10. Crying is blackmail.
11. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
12. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
13. Peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing from
point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
14. Yes and no are perfectly acceptable answers.
15. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a
doctor.
16. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
17. Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible
in an argument.
18. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls,
don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
19. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and
one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other
one.
20. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we
know how pretty you are?
21. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
22. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you
want it done, not both.
23. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither
do we.
24. You have enough clothes.
25. Men are from earth; women are from earth. Deal with it.
26. Nothing says "I love you" like sex.

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Many thanks go out to Catherine for this one:

WHY IT'S GREAT TO BE A GUY!

* A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase
* Bathroom lines are 80% shorter
* We can open all our own jars
* Phone conversations last 30 seconds
* We know useful stuff about tanks and airplanes
* Old friends don't care if we've lost or gained
weight
* When surfing channels, we don't have to stop on
every shot of someone
crying
* Our last name stays put.
* We can leave a hotel room bed unmade.
* We can kill our own food.
* The garage is all ours.
* We get extra credit for the slightest act of
thoughtfulness.
* We see the humor in "Terms of Endearment".
* We never have to clean the toilet.
* We can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
* If someone forgets to invite us to something, they
can still be our
friend.
* Our underwear costs $6.50 for a pack of 3.
* None of our co-workers have the power to make us
cry.
* We don't have to shave below our neck.
* If we're 34 and single, no one notices.
* Chocolate is just another snack.
* Where and when we pee doesn't effect our emotional
well-being.
* We can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger
seat.
* Flowers & duct tape - and we can fix everything.
* We never have to worry about other's feelings.
* Three pair of shoes are more than enough.
* We can say anything and not worry about what people
think.
* We can whip our shirt off on a hot day.
* Car mechanics tell us the truth.
* We don't give a flip if someone doesn't notice our
new haircut.
* We can watch a game in silence for hours without our
buddy thinking
"He must be mad at me."
* One mood, all the time.
* We can admire Clint Eastwood without having to
starve ourselves to
look like him.
* Same work. More pay.
* Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
* Wedding dress; $2000, Tux rental; 100 bucks.
* We don't care if someone is talking behind our back.

* We don't pass on the dessert and then mooch off
someone else's.
* If we retain water, it is in a canteen.
* The remote is all ours.
* We need not pretend we're "freshening up" to use the
bathroom.
* We can go to the bathroom alone.
* If we don't call our buddy when we said we would, he
won't tell our
friends I've changed.
* If another guy shows up at the party in the same
outfit, we might
become lifelong buddies.
* The occasional well-rendered belch is practically
expected.
* If something mechanical didn't work, we can bash it
with a hammer and
throw it across the room.
* New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle our feet.
* We think the idea of punting that small,
ankle-biting dog is funny.
Really funny

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Top 75 reasons why women (bitches) should not have freedom of speech

"Let's go back to the good old days when men were men and women were
ribs"

1. She doesn't need to talk to get me a beer.
2. If she's in the kitchen like she should be, no one can hear heranyway.
3. If she can talk, all she'll do is complain.
4. Because she won't say "I will" instead of "I do."
5. No man wants to hear "first down" during a basketball game.
6. Because PMS is no excuse for whining.
7. No man needs or wants to hear the word "period" unless it has to do
with hockey.
8. Women created tampon and yeast infection commercials during football.
9. Affirmative action.
10. When men whistle at them in the street, they should just shut up and
obey anyway.
11. If my dick's in her mouth, she can't talk anyway.
12. Oprah.
13. Feminists.
14. Because that stupid look on her face should not be accompanied by an
equally stupid statement.
15. The 2nd and 19th amendments.
16. I don't want to be made to lie and say "I love you" after sex.
17. Highway fatalities would decrease by over 90%.
18. When I sneak out at four in the morning, I don't want to hear anybody
calling me back.
19. "No, I will NOT buy you tampons while I'm at the store"
20. This is my dick. I'm gonna fuck you. No more stupid questions.
21. Don't waste your breath, I won't respect you in the morning.
22. Women sportscasters.
23. Women congressman.
24. God forbid, a woman president. (Oops, my bad -- see #66)
25. Marge Schott.
26. Stupid says as stupid does (and is).
27. Dikes (unless I can jump in the middle).
28. Where does speaking come into "barefoot and pregnant?"
29. Yes that toilet seat was yellow in the first place.
30. TLC and Salt-N-Pepa.
31. I could give a shit if you're pregnant.
32. I don't care if you're in labor. For the love of god, let me sleep.
33. Women caused the 18th amendment.
34. The life expectancy of the average male goes down with every bitchy word.
35. Female drunks are annoying unless they put out (for which they dont
need to talk)
36. We're tired of their "We can't pee standing up" shit.
37. That damn apple.
38. If she can't speak, she can't cry rape.
39. Of course, if she can't speak, she can't say no.
40. Rosanne. Nuff said.
41. Suzanne Powter. Too much said.
42. Honestly, do they really have anything useful to say?
43. Only one set of lips should be moving at a time.
44. If she can't talk, she can't bitch when I forget important dates.
45. There are no speaking parts in pornos anyway.
46. When she talks she's not drinking, it's hard to get her drunk when she
talking.
47. Nothing should come out a womans mouth, SWALLOW BITCH!
48. The Mute button only works on the TV.
49. Whores get payed by the hour not by the word.
50. Helen Keller was the ultimate woman.
51. Equality is for math.
52. The credit card bill speaks for itself.
53. If it hurts, I don't wanna hear it.
54. Marcia Clark.
55. Chick-flicks.
56. You don't see Victoria's Secret models talking, do you?
57. Janet, Mariah, and Whitney.
58. Michael Jackson.
59. Silence and sex make a great combination.
60. N.O.W.? NO. NOW BITCH? YES.
61. Intelligent car conversation? Hell no. Her head should never be above
the dashboard.
62. That annoying fat bitch from Snapple.
63. Your mouth is useful in so many other ways.
64. High phone bills really suck.
65. Women should be seen and not heard.
66. Do you think it was BILL Clinton who fucked up the country?
67. If I want romance, I'll turn on Playboy (hopefully not her).
68. Because they're not men.
69. 69, finally a use for both lips at the same time.
70. If I wanted your opinion, I'd ask for it.
71. Hell, if I wanted your opinion, I'd give it to you.
72. "Where've you been?" Who the fuck are you, my mother?
73. Women on radio? You can't see them, do you really want to hear them?
74. Unless the words are "Doctor, can you make these bigger?," shut the
fuck up.
75. Big breasts should speak for themselves

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Q: Why don't girls wear dresses in the winter?
A: Chapped lips.

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mel@melsjokes.com

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Page Updated Sun Jul 16, 2000 10:09am EDT