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| Beer jokes, and booze jokes... for all you AA members out there... *** WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not. --- WARNING, the consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole. --- WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your head in. --- WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish. --- WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4:00 AM. --- WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants. --- WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can't remember). --- WARNING, the consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead and knees. --- WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Bruno. --- WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible. --- WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing with you instead of at you. --- WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may cause a flux in the time-space continuum whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to disappear. --- WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may actually cause pregnancy. *** This joke is curtosy of my pal luke, thanks Luke... CURES FOR COMMON DRINKING PROBLEMS SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet. FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle. ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.> SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet. FAULT: Improper bladder control. ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.> SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless. FAULT: Glass empty. ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer. SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights. FAULT: You have fallen over backward. ACTION: Have yourself chained to bar. SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts. FAULT: You have fallen forward. ACTION: See above. SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet. FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face. ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror. SYMPTOM: Floor blurred. FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass. ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer. SYMPTOM: Floor moving. FAULT: You are being carried out. ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar. SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark. FAULT: Bar has closed. ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender, take taxi home. SYMPTOM: Truck suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures. FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations. ACTION: Cover mouth. SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles. FAULT: You are dancing on the table. ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking. SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear. FAULT: It's water. Someone is trying to sober you up. ACTION: Punch him. SYMPTOM: Hands hurts, nose hurts, mind unusually clear. FAULT: You have been in a fight. ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them. SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in. FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party. ACTION: See if they have free beer. SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted. FAULT: The beer is too weak. ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves. SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song. FAULT: Beer is just right. ACTION: Play air guitar. *** One day a drunk was travelling down a freeway in his car. He turns on the radio to hear a reporter saying, "We have just received a report that there is a maniac travelling down the freeway against traffic!" The drunk takes a look out the windshield and says "One? There's a whole shitload." ***
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