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GAME : Spartan : Total Warrior
SYSTEM : Playstation 2(also on Gamecube)
AGE RATING : 15+
PRICE : £34.99
THE REVIEW :
Spartan Total Warrior is one heck of a war game. It's from the people that made the Total War series on PC, so it's a shock to see a real time Slash-Em-Up coming from them. But they have seriously pulled it off so far. Note that this is an In So Far review, as I'm only half-way through the game, I think. I'll have another one when I complete the Story Mode, but I digress. Spartan has about ONE HUNDRED soldiers on the screen at once, which is amazing considering the power of the two consoles. And you can chop them all in half. Spartan also holds a moment in gaming that does, for me, match Snake Eater. Which is saying something. Why don't I explain that moment now? Basically, you've just destroyed two massive gun thingies, and you've got to rush back to the front line. Which is easy. Then it has a Cut-Scene showing your King (Leonidas) rallying you and the rest of the troops. The cut-scene ends, and it's back to a normal game screen. You can see a huge, dirty area in front of you. And further back than that, the enemy army. You can already see about fifty troops for you to kill. Cool. Then the King raises his sword. Even thogh they don't move, you can almost see the soldiers readying themselves for battle. The King shouts, "CHARGE!" and you rush forward to meet the oncoming Romans. And all of that is only on the third level, when the game has a total of FOURTEEN! And I've barely even touched the arena mode. So, In So Far, lookin' pretty good.
SO-FAR-SCORE : 96% Come back in a few days to see if it changes, which I can almost guarantee it will. Byeeeeeeeeeeee... |
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You know all the info, so here's the bottom line : IT GOT WORSE. And no, I haven't actually completed it, but I'm stuck on the final boss(OMG SPOILERZ! It's Ares) and this is one of the reasons it's not AS good. But it is still excellent. The reason I've had such a change of heart is because I realise now that even if you play it on medium difficulty, it's more than ROCK HARD!, it's like a flippin' DIAMOND! There are times towards the end where you are lobbing the controller around the room, screaming, crying and basically just being in pain. As Dott the Donkey will testify, Level 9 where you have to protect Archimedes is absolutely IMPOSSIBLE, though Dott, I did it! Yay! Anyway, this game is massively hampered by the difficulty, so I'm gonna go for, ummmm...
THE VERDICT :
85%
Great at times, but too frustrating to be AMAZING. |
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Game : Ultimate Spider-Man
Made By : Treyarch, Activision
Price : £25.99 (1 week offer)
Format : PS2, Gamecube (possibly others, but I'm not sure)
Age Rating : PG
I am reviewing the PS2 version.
THE REVIEW :
Bearing in mind this would normally have set me back £35, the fact that I got it for £25 is incredible. Anyway, when I got Spartan a while back, I could have got The Incredible Hulk : Ultimate Destruction or something instead. I have since wondered what would have happened if I had got that instead. So, here I am in Game. I could get Hulk, but I've got my eye on Spidey, too. If I got the latter, eould I regret it again? Spidey got 70% in one magazine, whereas Hulk got 79%. I took a gamble and chose Spidey. And, boy, am I glad I did!
I had actually played Ultimate Spider Man in Game, on one of those pod things, but I had also played Hulk in Gamestation. I found the former to be superior from what I played. It starts of all comic book stylee, with Peter Parker telling you about an experiment that went wrong and created the EVILLLLLL Venom suit, which your friend Eddie is controlling. Oh dear. It starts off with an easy scrap between you and the purple guy (Venom), which you win. You do, don't you? I sure hope so. It's way too easy to lose. Anyway, he chases you across an American Football field (this is New York, y'know) and then you have another skirmish on the street. Which is harder, but still easy. Then you jump your way to your house, and get the Spider-Man suit. AT LAST!
Cor, not many things will match the first time I started swinging around when it comes to gaming. You just press R2, and away you go! It's incredible, swinging around the city, stopping gangs, winning races, finding secret tokens... The list of fun goes on...
There are cameos from other Marvel charcters, too. You fight with Wolverine, race the Human Torch, spot the Hulk, it's all amazing. Also, about a third of the game is played as Venom, where you can EAT PEOPLE to recharge you health! Yay violence! The one bad thing about this game is that I am reviewing STRAIGHT after completing it, which only took about four or five hours. Which is MINISCULE! Arrgh! Well, there are still 160 tokens for me to find, apparently... Which will take, oh, FOREVER. Oh well.
THE VERDICT : 94%
A game I strongly recommend you buy, even though it is short lived. EXCELSIOR! |
STAR WARS EPISODE III : REVENGE OF THE SITH |
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Name : Star Wars Episode III : Revenge of the Sith
Price : £13.99 (special offer)
Age Rating : 12
Format : DVD (Two disc set)
THE REVIEW :
I already have a mini review of this on Your Reviews, but here is the proper one.
ALERT : MAJOR PLOT SPOILERS! READ AT YOUR OWN RISK!
Even though I knew what would happen from the novel I had read before seeing it, Revenge of the Sith left me absolutely gobsmacked, not only by it's exquisite type of brilliance, but by how the predicatble events still manage to shock you. For instance (SPOILER 1!) when Mace Windu is killed by Darth Sidious, flung out of the window, that was the most shocking point in the film for me. The fact that some one so powerful could be beaten so easily, and by such an unlikely (or actually, WAY likely) person. When I read this bit in the book, I was in shock for about half an hour afterwards. You should have seen my face when he flew out the window on THE BIG SCREEN!
I've already said that the best bit is the lightsaber fight between Obi-Wan and Anakin, and I will add on the point that this is probably my favourite half hour in films EVER! One minute you see the blood red of the Mustafar sky, with Obi-Wan's and Anakin's blue blades clashing and smashing, the next you see the drab grey interior of the Emperor's inner offices, his blood red saber clashing against Yoda's innocent green. It is quite fantastic, to say the least.
Onto the running time. I personally think it should have been LONGER! as Rick McCallum stated on the bonus features that the opening sequence was cut down from an hour to under half an hour! I prefer the former... Also, apparently lots of sub-plots were cut-out, which they at least show on Disc 2. That is my one complaint, but I do agree that the film would have been far too long if they had left ALL the scenes in.
About the age rating. Now, not wishing to counter the BBFC's given twelve certificate to both discs, I think both of them should probably be PG, which the second age rating on the discs gives them (the PG is from a different company, I don't know which). In the actual film, there is just one mild horror scene with Anakin's afce all burning. It's not actually that bad, and as it is only about one minute long any one under twelve could just look away. But what BBFC says, goes.
THE VERDIICT :
98% Absolutely exquisite, the closest to perfection any film has ever come. |
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Name : Hustle Series 1
Age Rating : 15
Price : £14.97 on Amazon
Format : DVD
Starring : Adrian Lester, Marc Warren, Jaime Murray, Robert Glenister, Robert Vaughn
THE REVIEW :
Hustle is, quite simply, superb. Absolutely spectacular. It's basically about Mickey 'Bricks' Stone (Lester) who assembles his old team again after being released from prison, and them conning wealthy businessman, the Police, etc. The team are : Stacie Monroe (Murray) who is a beautiful but deadly con machine, Danny Blue (Warren) who is my personal favourite on the team. He is one of the most hilarious characters ever conceived. He thinks himself a con artist supreme, and arguably is, but joins the team in the first episode. Next is Albert Stroller (Vaughn) who taught Mickey everything he knows, and has the job of Roper (reeling th victims in). Up next is Ash Morgan, who uses disguises, fake voices and plenty more trickery to fool his foes. And last but not least is Mickey himself. An amazingly clever man, he thinks every last detail of the long con through, and fools his own team half of the time.
This DVD has six fifty minute long episodes, all delightful in their intelligence. I cannot recommend you buy this DVD more, unless you see Series 2 first, which is out now. This is easily the best Television show I have ever seen, just ask Dott. I'll review Series 2 in a while, but until then, look on Amazon for it, and if you're not convinced, take a look at this :
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hustle
Then click on Hustle (BBC).
THE VERDICT : 97%
The third best DVD ever, after Revenge of the Sith and Series 2! Also, the best TV show ever. Yes, this was a TV show before a DVD. Series 3 is destined to come on BBC sometime in 2006. NOW BUY IT! |
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Okay, the FINAL part of my Spartan review epic. Now I have completed it! YAY! GO ME! Ahem. Anyway, I love it again after completing it, blah, blah, blah...
THE VERDICT :
92% : A 7% increase from the 11% decrease from the original 96%. Yeah... |
Half These Songs Are About You |
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Artist : Nizlopi
Price : Look around, it differs
Tracks : 11
THE REVIEW :
Nizlopi are a band that hardly ANY people have even heard of yet. It just shows that the whole world can be plain wrong sometimes, doesn't it? Yeah, well, they're awesome, and are now my favourite band. Search Nizlopi on Google, click on the links, listen to some of their PROPAR WICK-WICK-WICKED CHOONS! and THEN tell me that they are not worthy of a mention in the Music Hall of Fame. Go on, prepare to lose your bet. You fool, you.
You see, Nizlopi is single handedly inventing a new genre of the Food of Love. And I'm a tellin' them to play on! As in, if music be the food of love, play on? Oh, forget it... Anyway, it has been described at least partially accurately as, 'A mix of Folk and R&B.' Which is true, but it all just seems too beautiful to be 'R&B'. Take track six, JCB, for instance. Fantastic, and moving. Just listen to one single track, read the Amazon reviews, and you shall see that I am not the only one entranced by the beat, rythm, lyrics, whatever, of Nizlopi's album SUPREME! HA-HA-HA! I will rule over you all! Ahem...
Best tracks? Well, going through the album (entitled Half These Songs Are About You) I'd have to say Girls (which isn't all fast and upbeat 'n' everyfink, but is beautiful and slow) Call It Up (confusing lyrics, great sing-along) and, of course, JCB (superb). Well, all that remains to be said is :
Visit http://www.myspace.com/nizlopi
and http://www.nizlopi.com/main.htm
Listen to the songs on both (for the latter, click on Listen)
and...
THE VERDICT : 97%
The best album EVER MADE as far as I'm concerned. BUY IT NOW! No, really. Do. |
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Name : Gladiator
Price : I don't know, look for yourself
Age Rating : 15
Starring : Russell Crowe
THE REVIEW :
Gladiator is absolutely, mind-blowingly, spectacularly, incredibly, amazing! Absolutely superb. Now that I've run out of adjectives, on to the review. The second best film ever made. Yup. Okay, how to start? Hmm... Okay, this is one epic film. It has received all sorts of high scores and five stars from newspapers, and I saw it for the first time recently. The opening battle scene matched my mood perfectly after a session on Spartan, so I was more thatn up for watching it. So, the opening battle has lots of gore. Make that lots and lots of gore. But oh well. It has Roman general Maximus (Crowe) leading the Roman Army up against another one. i'm not sure which. Anyway, the Romans win and all is well. But not for long...
The Roman Emperor is strangled and killed by his son after he tells him that Maximus will be King, not him (the son) With me so far? The son lies and says that the King said that he (the son) was to be the new King. Emperor. WHATEVER! Okay, this isn't working. Just buy the darn film already, unless you've already seen it, in which cas you should get it out and watch it again!
THE VERDDICT : 98%
The second best film ever made (in my opinion) is one that has a perfect blend of tragedy, action, romance and humour. Buy it or watch it. NOW! |
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Name : Destroy All Humans
Age Rating : 15
Platforms : PS2, Xbox
Price : £29.99
THE REVIEW :
First things first, I shall refer to Destroy All Humans! as DAH! from now on. Second things second, I STRONGLY disagree with the 15 age rating. If you get one 15 ever, get this. No, actually, get MGS3 Snake Eater, But Snake Eater SHOULD be a 15, whereas this should be a twelve. The only gore is blood, which is actually green and looks a bit like cabbage. The only violence in this is comical and NOT MEANT TO BE REALISTIC, folks.
Anyways, DAH! is a game that wants you to do exactly what it says on he box. It wants you to literally destroy all humans. Not kill, but destroy. No, seriously! You use weapons like Disintegrator Rays, which incinerate the humans in a comical fashion. There are Ion Detonators, which do that too. There are Zap-O-Matics, which electric shock the pathetic humans to, erm, death, and for your spaceship there are Sonic Booms which make buildings sink to the ground as if they've just been shot in the leg. COOL! These are but a few of the amazing and hilarious weapons in this game, but they are, in my opinion, the best.
You don't have to use artificial weapons to kill, sorry, destroy humans, either. You can use the most powerful weapon of them all : YOUR MIND! Yes, you actually CAN lift humans off the ground by just thinking about it, or you could make a cow do the Chicken Dance! Seriously, you can! My favourite method of destroying humans is either to shoot them with the Disintegrator Ray or, even better, to pick them off the ground with my mind, lift them up as afr as they'll go, and then SMASH them to the ground with all my might! MWU-HA-HA! And yes, this game does turn you into a slightly evil psychopath when you're playing it, but it's all in good humour!
THE VERDICT : 98%
The funniest, most addictive and just basically FUN game I've played since Snake Eater. he second-best game ever. An extremely well-deserved 98 percent there. Hats off to Pandemic! |
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