 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
|
The Name Macedonia
Information about Maria
View of Greek Australians
History of PAOK
South Melbourne Soccer Club
KISS ARMY
Block Head Quotes
Personal Resume
Greek Revolution 1821
Archive JOKES
My Brothers Malakias
Parthenon Marbles
Todays Crystal Ball Reading
PARTY OF THE YEAR
The Great Alexander
The Beauty of N Pella
About people close to me
Wacky Horoscopes
What Does Your Name Mean
ITS FUNNY CAS ITS TRUE
Did You Know
JOKES FOR THE DAY
Wheres Maria
I HAVE LEARNED
Fast Facts
Ancient Quotes
quotes
macedoniaJust When You Thought You Knew|
|
| JOKES FOR THE DAY |
| Updated Daily |
| ||||||
| ******** There is a ship that goes out to sea and sinks. Six people (1 woman and 5 men) survive and use a raft to float to a deserted island. After spending several weeks on the island, they all begin to get really lonely, that is, sexually deprived lonely. So they come to this agreement: Each man will marry the one woman for a week. So the first man has her for one week, then the second man has her for the second week, and so on and so on. Everyone will now be getting sex and they all agree to it. This goes on for five years and everyone is happy. Each man gets sex every fifth week and the woman gets to have sex whenever she wants with a different man each week. Well, a few weeks into the fifth year, the woman dies! The first week is pretty bad, the second week is is still pretty bad, the third week it's getting worse, the fourth week things are just bad, really bad, the fifth week it is just awful, it's getting so bad, Soooooo...on the sixth week... THEY BURY HER. ------------ ********** A young man joined the Army and signed up with the Paratroopers. He went through the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane. The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the news. "So, did you jump?" the father asked. "Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane!" "Is that when you jumped?" asked the father. "Um, not yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door." "Did you jump then?" asked the father. "I'm getting to that. Every one else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told me to get off the plane or he'd kick my butt." "So, did you jump?" "Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go. Finally he called over the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds. He said to me, `Boy, are you gonna jump or not?' I said, `No, sir. I'm too scared.' So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his penis out. I swear, it was about ten inches long and as big around as a baseball bat! He said, `Boy, either you jump out that door, or I'm sticking this little baby up your a*s.'" "So, did you jump?" asked the father. "Well, a little, at first." ********** A man comes home and finds his girlfriend packing. "Where are you going?" he asks. "I'm leaving you," she answers. "Leaving me? Why? "She continues packing and says, "Because I found out today that you're a pedophile!" "A pedophile? A pedophile?" he shouts. "That's a pretty big word for a ten year old!" ------------ ********** A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they don'tsmell and are silent."The doctor say, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week."The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what yougave me, but now my farts, although still silent, now stink terribly."The doctor says, "Good!!! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing." ------------------ *********** Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?" The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of jelly and ice cream.It's a breeze!" The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?" The first kid says, "A circumcision." And the second kid says, "Whoa! I had that done when I was born. I couldn't walk for a year!" ------------------ ********** Some women are gathered and the subject of conversation turns to sex and then birth control. The first woman says "We're Catholic so we can't use it." The next woman says "I am too but we use the rhythm method." The third woman says "We use the bucket and saucer method." "What the heck is the bucket and sauce rmethod?", the others ask. "Well, I'm five foot eleven... and my husband is five foot two. We make love standing up with him standing on a bucket, and when his eyes get big as saucers I kick the bucket out from under him." ------------------ ********** This gay guy is in the doctor's office when the doc comes in and says, "I'm sorry, but you have contracted HIV". The gay guy is immediately shocked and says, "doc, doc, what should I do?". The doctor says, "Well, the first thing you should do is fly to Mexico. When you get there, eat all the Mexican food you can eat. Tacos, nachos, beans, and all that. Also, drink all the water you can, and none of that bottled crap, pure Mexican water, and as much as you can drink. Then eat all of the fresh fruit you can eat. Just keep eating and drinking the whole time you stay down there." So the gay guy is a little confused, and asks, "So is all that going to help?" The doc says, "No, but it will teach you what your asshole is used for." ---------------- ************ A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had had. He said, "Oh the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." The she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... the guy I loaned my costume to, sure had a real good time!" ---------------------- *********** THE PANTS IN THE FAMILY A young couple, just married were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they were undressing for bed, the hussband who was a big burly man tossed his pants to his bride and said,"Here, put these on." She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants, "she said. "That's right," said the husband, and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family. With that she flipped him her panties and said' "Try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. "Hell," he said. "I can't get into your panties!" She replied,"That's right, and that's the way its going to be until your goddamn attitude changes!" ------------------ ********** Two guys of limited intelligence were on a ship that sank in the middle of the ocean.They managed to inflate a rubber life raft and grab a box of provisions before their ship slipped below the surface. After floating under blazing heat for 6 days they ran out of food and water. On the 10th day, bleary eyed and half dead from heat, thirst and starvation, they spotted a small object floating toward them in the water. As it drew near, they were ecstatic to find that it was an oil lamp (the kind the genies come in). They grabbed the lamp and rubbed it. "POOF" out popped a tired old genie who said, "OK, so you freed me from this stupid lamp, yadda, yadda, yadda. But hey, I've been doing this 3 wishes stuff for a long time now and quite frankly, I'm burned out. You guys get only ONE wish and then I'm OUTTA here. Make it a good one". The first guy, without hesitation or thought blurted out, "Give us all the beer we can drink for the rest of our lives!!!" "Fine," said the genie, and he instantly turned the entire ocean into beer. "Great move Einstein!" said the second guy, slapping the first guy in the head. NOW we're gonna have to pee in the BOAT!" ------------------ ************ A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway, when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It says SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES. He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon, he sees another sign which says SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES and realizes that these signs are for real. When he drives past a third sign saying SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSITUTION NEXT RIGHT, his curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a small sign next to the door reading SISTERS OF MERCY. He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks "What may we do for you, my son?" He answers "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business." "Very well, my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man "Please knock on this door." He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long habit and holding a tin cup. This nun instructs "Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway." He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign: GO IN PEACE, YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF MERCY. ------------------- ******************* A man is on his way home from work one afternoon in LA and he's stopped in traffic and thinks, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. We're not even moving." He notices a police officer walking down the highway in between the cars and he rolls down his window and asks, "Excuse me officer, what's the hold up?" "O.J. just found out the verdict; he's all depressed. He's lying down in the middle of the highway and he's threatening to douse himself in gasoline and light himself on fire. He just doesn't have $33.5 million for the Goldmans. I'm walking around taking up a collection for him." The man said, "Oh really? How much have you collected so far?" "About three hundred gallons." ------------------ ********************* Three Newfies (the Canadian equivilanent of a Pole) when an announcement comes over the PA that the plane is having mechanical problems and they are going to crash. The pilot suggests passengers grab something that will help them survive the crash. The first Newfie grabs a life Jacket, "If the plane crashes in water there is no way I am going to drown." The second Newfie grabs a blanket, "If the planes crashes in the mountains I am going to stay warm. It gets pretty cold in the Mountains." The third Newfie grabs a black stewardess and when his buddies ask why he replies, "When this plane crashes and searchers start looking for the black box I want to be inside it." ---------------- ************************ A boss took the day off work and spent it with his secretary, they went to a motel room and mad wild and crazy love for hours on end.Hours later, both the boss and secretary fell asleep and then work up at about 8.00pm. "My god, quick get changed." Whilst the secretary was getting changed the boss went into to the yard and rolled around in the grass. The Boss went home and his wife was waiting for him outside and in an angry voice questioned "where have you been?" The boss answered sympathetically look I will not lie to you, I made wild love all day to my secretary and fell asleep and just woke up. After a long pause, the wife replied, "Don't lie to me, you have been playing golf all day"! ----------------- ********************* One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?" ----------------- ************************ This little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" The Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense." So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit." ----------------- ****************************** Becky was on her deathbed, with her husband Jake at her side. He held her cold hand and tears silently streamed down his face. Her pale lips moved. "Jake," she said. "Hush," he quickly interrupted, "don't talk." But she insisted. "Jake," she said in her tired voice. "I have to talk. I must confess." "There is nothing to confess," said the weeping Jake. "It's all right. Everything's all right." "No, no. I must die in peace. I must confess,Jake, that I have been unfaithful to you." Jake stroked her hand. "Now Becky, don't be concerned. I know all about it," he sobbed. "Why else would I poison you?" |
|
. |
| Visitors: 03825 |