A Little Message - To Billy... - Miscellaneous - http://maxpages.com/lynziez/Summor

This is the last page I have left on this website. So I'm thinking about starting another site and making it all poetry and gettin both sites all organized and whatnot. So someday soon when I have enough poetry to start up another site, I'll have the link posted on this page. But for now I'm gonna use this page to get some things said to someone special. It'll prolly bore you so I suggest you move on to another page. I just wanna send these words out into the void...

Wow... I was reading through some of this stuff and I can't believe how harsh I was! I must've been bitter... But I think I'm okay now. I love you, Billy... and if you ever need something or just want to be friends again, don't hesitate 'cause I'd do anything for you... but I won't be your girl again. Somehow, tho, I don't think we have to worry about that coming up again. It still hurts to think of possibly never seeing you again... but I'm still scared of seeing you again for fear of remembering how much I missed you. I know we both learned so much from our relationship that will even help us in relationships to come. You are such a great guy... and someday you will make some girl so happy. All that matters to me, tho, is that you are happy and are following God's will. I love you Billy, and I'll never forget you.
4-18-03

I'm completely sick of this! I know I only miss the memories. I know I could easily live the rest of my life without you. Yet you won't leave me alone! It doesn't hurt but I still cry. It doesn't bother me but I still get paranoid. Last night I double french braided my hair all by myself without even lookin in a mirror and it looked like someone had done it for me. You always loved my hair in french braids. I wish I could tell you. I wish you would be proud of me. I wish I could show you. But that's all in the past. "Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past." ((Is. 43:18)). God is screaming in my ear yet I can't get away from you. You're everywhere. I wish you would love me or completely vanish from my world. "But most of all, I wish you'd stay."
2-23-03

A couple weeks ago someone we both know asked my mom if you and I were still together. When he heard we weren't he said something like, "Wow, I thought for sure they were going to get married." For the past two months or so I have worked sooo hard at forgetting you exist. After you told me we couldn't be friends, I knew I had to. It took me awhile but I began to truly forget about you. I would still mention you on occassions and think about you every once in awhile, but I had forgotten the true essance of your existence, if that makes any sense. But then I heard about that conversation and it all came flooding back. I was suddenly back to that stage of being completely convinced we're going to get married. So I fell back into thinking about you much more than I ever should. But I was looking at a pic of us yesterday and I realized... though I remember the feelings, I don't remember you. I can't picture your smile, except the one in the pic. I can't hear what your voice sounds like. I can't remember things you said or how you responded to anything. I have forgotten you. So now I'm going to forget the feelings again. Only God will ever be able to revive them.
1-30-03

Christmas time is almost here... Brayden's birthday is today. A year ago tomorrow we went to the hospital and I held him... his little self... in my arms. I remember watching you stand near the door. I love Brayden very much, but every time I think of that day when he was only one day old, I think of you and how much I miss you. I took you for granted and I regret that every single day. But I'm getting better. I can go hours without you even crossing my mind. But when you do ((which is more often than not)) I long for you. I'm not looking for someone else because I don't want anyone else. The last thing I want is some new relationship with all its games and confusion. But I'm open to other guys... I am I promise. It's just that most of the time I don't see them. I know that a lot of what I miss is just the memories. But I also know that the majority of what I miss... is my very best friend. Whitney is the bestest girl friend a girl could ever ask for. But she understands... she even helped me explain... that you and I had a very special friendship that only a guy and a girl could have. But I know that if we never become friends again... the short time we had together as best friends was worth every second. I guess right now what hurts the most is how easily you can throw it all away.
12-13-02

"Each day you'll wake up and he'll be farther and farther away until one day, you'll wake up and he'll be gone." I think I can see that day...
12-10-02

I say that I'm over you but it's obvious I'm not. I pretend like I'm not dying inside when I see you, but I am. "I breath in and breath out; put one foot in front of the other; take one day at a time until you find I'm that someone you can't live without..." just like you're that someone I can't seem to live without. "If this is for the best, why are you still in my heart, still in my soul?" The day that I can see your face, speak your name, and hear your voice without trembling, will be the day I stop loving you. "If this isn't love, I can't imagine what it will be like." Every day I pray for God to take away every bit of feelings I have toward you... they just get stronger. But more than anything else... "I miss my friend."
12-1-02

Billy-
I remember the way you looked in my eyes.
I remember how you never told me any lies.
I remember the things you did that you didn't have to do.
I remember how much I never deserved you.
I'm sorry I didn't treasure your looking in my eyes.
I'm sorry I didn't realize you never told me lies.
I'm sorry for not thanking you for what you didn't have to do.
I'm sorry I didn't cherish my sweet time with you.
11-1-02

When I heard about you and Megan, it hurt. But it was expected. So I did everything in my power to not think about you or her at all. Then I found out you and her were no longer anything and I allowed myself to think again. It all the sudden dawned on me that I felt betrayed... almost cheated on. I felt like I was watching my future husband fall for and get hurt by someone else. It was a strong, confusing, overwhelming feeling that I don't feel as much anymore, but sometimes...

Now I feel like you will always compare me to her, especially since you'll see her all the time. I'll have to make a perfect impression every time I just so happen to run into you. But she has every day. And I hate that you still have feelings for her. I'm not blaming you of course, but I just can't help hating it. Now I have competition on that "list" of girls you used to talk about. Remember? You said I was always on that list somewhere, but when you finally had me, there was no more list. Now there is a list again... but I guess bein on the list is a whole lot better than bein in the pile left behind.

It kills me when we just can't seem to get along. I've been doin a lot of thinking and I've figured three possible reasons...

1. I expect too much from you. You've never been good at showing your true feelings, especially when whatever those feelings might be could cause problems. I want you to be straight up... I really just want to know what you're thinking. But I understand somewhat why you won't tell me or show me your true feelings...

2. Your mom doesn't want me to exist. Which I can understand because honestly, if I were in her place, I wouldn't want me to exist either. And so I'm willing to give it time. But it's been over two months since you've stopped liking me. How much longer do you have to not like me until we can be real friends again?

3. You don't care about me. I know you always talk sayin that you do care about me, and when I think about how amazingly sweet you were to me throughout all those years that I was a jerk to you, I can't imagine you not caring. But ever since our relationship began to deteriorate, you've either stopped caring or forgotten that you do. You can ask me if you want proof, but I know that if you stopped and really thought about it... you'd realize either how much you don't care about me or how badly you've done at showing me you do.

This is a letter I wrote to you one day in psych class...
"Billy-
The pain is subsiding gradually. But sometimes... sometimes the tears come before I fully realize I'm thinking about you. Sometimes I'm convinced that I love you. From what I recall, instead of thinking you were cute then getting annoyed, I began annoyed then you grew on me. Sometimes I think I'm getting physically sick when I think about us... the things we did. I freeze up horribly and just wanna ball. I lose control of my emotions. Why, William? Why are you hurting over another girl when I'm still hurting over you? And why am I hurting over you still at all? Sometimes I tell God that if I could only have you back, I would be so happy. I would do everything right... I'm listening to a tape about genuine love. He's talking about a woman who was having trouble with her marriage because her husband wanted her to wear yellow and she didnt like yellow. He said if she truly loved her husband, she would love yellow. That's the way it was with me toward you. I loved what you loved. And if I didn't, I grew to. But you didn't love what I loved. What if I love you but you don't love me? I know you don't love me. If I truly love you, will you ever love me?
Sometimes... I miss you.
Sometimes... My chest grows tight and my heart beats wildly just at the sight of your screenname.
Sometimes... I feel nothing."
11-7-02

I can't figure out, tho, if I want to be "talking friends" with you right now. You are so difficult! I just need to know if you still like me or if you don't at all. If you still do, then okay, we have to respect your moms wishes. But if you don't, we can be talking friends again! I just need to know the hard core truth! I hate when you don't answer what I ask you the way I want you to! I know that's so selfish... but you know what I mean! You purposely leave me hanging. I don't know if you enjoy hurting me or if you truly have good reason for doing so. I know you can't keep promises ((and I hate that this makes me cry!)) but if you truly care about me, please don't be subtle. You know me, William. You know that a major weakness is that I often see only what I want to see. If you could PLEASE just be straight up with me, you would make life so much more bearable. If you truly care about me, don't be afraid to hurt me now. It'll save me much worse grief in the future.

Here are some quotes that remind me of you...
->"Someone asked me what I see in you, but I wouldn’t tell because then they’d like you, too."
->"If you love me, let me know. If you don’t then let me go."
->"If you ever think of me from out of the blue, just remember how much I care for you.”
->"I don’t miss him, I miss who I thought he was."
->"It wouldn’t have been so bad if my expectations hadn’t been so high… I just expected us to be together for so much longer… and for you to never hurt me… I’ll never expect anything from you again because all it gets me is a broken heart."
->"Everyone thinks I’m crazy for thinking you and I are going to be together forever. I think they are the crazy ones for thinking we’re not. I can’t see myself with anyone, but you. We have been through so much already, why would they think we’re not going to make it through anything else that comes along?"
->"There are just those times when you give me that look and no one else may see it, but when you look at me that way, my heart just melts, and I know you’re the one."
->"The only thing that I regret so far in my life is the many times I looked past you… the times I only saw you as a friend and not as someone who could make me unbelievably happy."
->"I laugh when I recall that just not too long ago you were the person I couldn’t imagine ever kissing, and now I can’t imagine not kissing you."
((It's rather pathetic... I used to say I would never date you again, let alone kiss you. Now I cry because I long to be yours again, and I can't imagine kissing anyone else)).
->"I'm alright. I'm alright. It only hurts when I breath."
->"'Cause you could slit my throat and with my one last gasping breath I would apologize for bleeding on your shirt."
->"Some day, when I'm awfully low and the world is cold, I will feel the glow just thinking of you and the way you look tonight."
->*"For real" took on a whole new meaning when I finally found you, Josh.*

Random memories... ((I can remember some things))
-After solo and ensemble when we went out to eat and you threw chicken nuggets at Stephen.
-Just before Christmas break you had to go to the office after first hour and wouldn’t tell me why. Then during second hour keyboarding I got flowers with a little poem. You said it was for our “anniversary” not for Christmas since we weren’t getting each other Christmas presents.
-Going to Stephen’s hockey games. One time we were up top looking down from a bench. It was warmer up there. Another time we sat near your mom and you held my hand and when I went to let it go because your mom wasn’t a big fan of it, you wouldn’t let go because you wanted her to see. Also the time we got lost on the way there but I didn’t know it until you found the sign… youre so good with directions.
-Driving up to Silver Beach in your white Ford Taurus.
-You threw my Hi-C from SteaknShake out of the window on CR 13.
-Driving to your baseball game with Stephen and your mom.
-Golf-cart racing.
-The way home from Griffey's... you waved as you got off the bypass.
-Sara Lawson's house... Shanigga-jiggas.
-Waiting for our tickets outside the restrooms at Cedar Point.
-Falling asleep in the back seat of our van on the way home from a Frankfort/EBCS game at which you surprised me by coming all the way down with my mom.
-Our date at Hacienda where we saw Adam and Matt, and you bought me a mudslide because you promised :)
-Going to Erik's indoor soccer game in the ghetto and listening to "A Boy Named Sue" for the first time.
-After the fall sports banquet when we talked outside by my boat.
-Solo and ensemble, when we got lost and as usual I felt like crap so I rested my head on your shoulder and your mom didn't like that.
-Working out at the Y.
-On the huge wooden ride at Cedar Point where we sat in the back and you were so cold that your eyes were watering. You were so cute :)
-When the chamber choir sang at that hotel.
-Christmas lights... "Come taste the cookies with me..."
-Turkey Night in 8th grade when you and Phil jumped around with the band.
-I covered your ears with my sweatshirt while you made a goofy face and told some ridiculous story at Cedar Point.
-All the phone conversations over Spring break.
-When you and your mom came to the Passion Play and I spilled tiny hearts all over your car.
-Playing in the lake nearly all day with you and Stephen.
-Yearbook in the computer lab... when you were on a college visit ((??)), you called and Mrs. Clem sent Anna running after me because I had "an important phone call." So I ran all the way across the school to hear Bowen say, "Here's your woman" and hand me the phone. Mrs. Clem said I didn't have to worry about deadlines that day.
-How you loved my hair french braided.
-The morning of senior chapel... last day of our highschool career... I was there early to practice for the praise band and you just so happened to need to finish a paper. I found you sitting at Mrs. Clem's computer.
-When you tried to teach me how to kick a soccer ball one day at the school. Then we got in a pointless fight and I refused to sit in the front seat. Finally we got back to my house and took pics of each other with ur disposable camera that somehow came into my possession... ((u stuffed it in my purse))
-The doughnut fight in the van at Cedar Point.
-Kathryn used to yell at you in choir for staring at me. Finally she realized I was lookin back at ya.
-Adam saw us in the bus on senior trip and told Dava we were "so cute."
-Foosball after school with Stephen and Erik... they always had to take "coffee breaks" or somethin to that effect.
-That morning we didn't have to be at school right away and you came over and made me breakfast.
-First hour study halls when I would make fun of you because your eyebrow quivered... and the "I don't wanna lead you on" note that started it all :)

Poetry-

Oh how beautiful he was!
My heart stopped when I saw him.
For just one moment
The whole world went dim.

He stood so far off
From my wandering eyes.
Along with the distance
Lingered his lies.

I felt sick,
And rather dizzy.
What is it about him
That does this to me?

I know he's not mine,
And may never be,
And tho I've dwelt on this
I suddenly see...

All this pain
That tears me apart;
The way that he still
Grips my heart;

Makes these moments
Far from dull.
It hurts, but seeing him
Was beautiful.
10-12-02

*I saw him and felt so trapped and scared and sick and frustrated, and everything confusing and painful. Even after he was gone, I couldn't shake these feelings. But as I lay in bed I suddenly realize that just seeing him... was beautiful.*
Elliemay
11-12-02

Some verses God has convicted me with...
Ps. 31:7 "I will be glad and rejoice in thy mercy: for Thou hast considered my trouble; Thou hast known my soul in adversities."
1Thess. 5:16-18 "Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."
Matt. 11:28 "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."
Ps. 34:10 "The young lions do lack, and suffer hunger: but they that seek the Lord shall not want any good thing."
Ps. 37:4 "Delight thyself also in the Lord and He shall give thee the desires of thine heart."
Prov. 16:3 "Commit thy works unto the Lord and thy thoughts shall be established."

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Page Updated Fri Apr 18, 2003 5:16pm EDT