 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
|
Architecture
Armenians
AROMATHERAPY
AUCTION
BEST ONLINE GIFTS
Biography
BUSINESS HELP
Cars
Children
Constitutions
COSMETICS
Culture
Culture II
Countries Online
Economics
Education
Education in Long Island
EMPLOYMENT
Employment at UN
Entertainment
Environment
FOOD and BIODIVERSITY
Free Goodies
Gemstones
GENOCIDE
GIFT BASKETS
Health Sites
Human Rights
Information
International Costumes
International NEWS
Languages Online
Law
LOVE
NGO
Nuclear Tests
Online Libraries
Online Newspapers
Online Translation
Phone Directories
PHONECARDS
Publishers
Real Estate
Search Engines
Statistics
Take a BREAK
Take a BREAK Part 2
Take a BREAK 3
TIME ZONES
UN BIBLIOGRAPHIES
UN Web Search Guide
United Nations
US LOTTERY
Variety
Virtual Greetings
We are linked
Web Design Sources
Web Info
WEB RINGS
Women
weblogs
BLOGS|
|
| ||||||
| WOMEN SPEAK IN ESTROGEN AND MEN LISTEN IN TESTOSTERONE by Matt Groening, (the guy who does the Simpsons) RELATIONSHIPS: When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots". Then she will get on with her life. A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the breakup, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know that there's always a chance for us." This is known as the "I Hate You, I Love You" drunken phone call and 99% of all men have made it at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need. MATURITY: Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can function as adults. Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out. BATHROOMS: A man has six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. (EDITOR'S NOTE: Apparently basic math is not one of this man's innate talents.) The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items. GROCERIES: A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane. CATS: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats. OFFSPRING: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house. DRESSING UP: A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals. LAUNDRY: Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by reruns of old American sitcoms. EATING OUT: When the check comes, Mike, Jim, Rob & Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators. MIRRORS: Men are vain; they will check themselves out in a mirror. Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, Joe Garagiola's head. MENOPAUSE: When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual. Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction-he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche. RICHARD GERE: Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at the health club and dates only married women. MADONNA: Same as above, but reversed. Same reason. TOYS: Little girls love to play with toys. Then, when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and silly and impractical. Examples of men's toys: Little miniature TV's. Car phones. complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 "D" batteries to operate. JEWELRY: Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing one ring and that's it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer named Ramone. TIME: When a woman says she'll be ready to go out in five more minutes, she's using the same meaning of time as when a man says the football game just has five minutes left. Neither of them is counting time-outs, commercials, or replays. FRIENDS: Women on a girl's night out talk the whole time. Men on a boy's night out say about twenty words all night, most of which are "Pass the Doritos" or "Got any more beer?" RESTROOMS: Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use restrooms as social lounges. Men in a restrooms will never speak a word to each other. Women who've never met will leave a restroom giggling together like oldfriends. And never in the history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, "Hey, Tom, I was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me? ======= Funny Tech Jokes: (28 Apr 99) A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was "running it under Windows." The woman then responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine." ********************************************************* Tech Support: "OK Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager. Customer: "I don't have a 'P'." Tech Support: "On your keyboard, Bob." Customer: "What do you mean?" Tech Support: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob." Customer: "I'm not going to do that!" ********************************************************* Overheard in a computer shop: Customer: "I'd like a mouse mat, please." Salesperson: "Certainly sir, we've got a large variety." Customer: "But will they be compatible with my computer?" ******************************************************** I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the document back to he sender when I was finished with it, because he needed to keep it. ******************************************************* Customer: "Can you copy the Internet for me on this diskette?" ******************************************************* I work for a local ISP. Frequently we receive phone calls that start something like this: Customer: "Hi. Is this the Internet?" ******************************************************** Some people pay for their online services with checks made payable to"The internet." ******************************************************** Customer: "So that'll get me connected to the Internet, right?" > Tech Support: "Yeah." Customer: "And that's the latest version of the Internet, right?" Tech Support: "Uhh...uh...uh...yeah." ********************************************************* Tech Support: "All right... now double-click on the File Manager icon." Customer: "That's why I hate this Windows - because of the icons - I'm a Protestant, and I don't believe in icons." Tech Support: "Well, that's just an industry term sir. I don't believe it was meant to be offensive." Customer: "I don't care about any 'Industry Terms.' I don't believe in > icons." Tech Support: "Well... why don't you click on the 'little picture' of a filing cabinet... is 'little picture' OK?" Customer: [click] ============= The balding middle-aged man asked his barber, "Why do I have to pay full price for a haircut -- there's so little of it." "Well," said the barber, "actually I only charge a little for cutting it. What you're paying for mostly is my time searching for it !" $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ The difference between Potential and Reality: A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?" His father looks up, thoughtfully, and says, "I'll demonstrate it for you. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned." The kid is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what his father means. He asks his mother, "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?" His mother looks around slyly, and then with a little smile on her face says, "Don't tell your father, but yes, I would." Then he goes to his sisters room and asks, "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?" His sister looks up and says, "Omigod! Definitely!" The kid goes back to his father and says, "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living with two tramps." MEN Men are like a fine wine: They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd want to have dinner with. Men are like vacations: They never seem to last long enough. Men are like computers: Hard to figure out and never have enough memory. Men are like coolers: Load them with beer, and you can take them anywhere. Men are like coffee: The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night. Men are like horoscopes: They always tell you what to do, and they're usually wrong. Men are like snowstorms: You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it will last. Men are like parking spots: The good ones are taken. and the rest are handicapped. Why is it so hard for women to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? Because those men already have boyfriends. $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ MEMORY: An older couple decided that their memory was so bad that they would have to start writing things down in order to remember them. One evening, the husband got up from watching TV and said he was going to the kitchen; He asked his wife if she wanted anything. Wife: "Yes, I would like some ice cream." As he set off, the wife said, "Write it down." Husband: "I can remember ice cream." Wife: "But I also want strawberries on my ice cream. Write it down" Husband: "I can remember ice cream with strawberries." Wife: "But I also want whipped cream on the strawberries." The husband took off without writing it down. He was gone for a while and when he came back, he was carrying bacon and eggs. Wife: "Now see what you've done? You forgot the toast!?" &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& What a difference in just one century!! Go on and read: Follow this at your peril!!!! INSTRUCTION and ADVICE for the YOUNG BRIDE The following is an actual article published in 1894,by some fanatic religious lady. On the Conduct and Procedure of the Intimate and Personal Relationships of the Marriage State for the Greater Spiritual Sanctity of this Blessed Sacrament and the Glory of God by Ruth Smythers beloved wife of The Reverend L.D. Smythers Pastor of the Arcadian Methodist Church of the Eastern Regional Conference Published in the year of our Lord 1894 Spiritual Guidance Press New York City To the sensitive young woman who has had the benefits of proper upbringing, the wedding day is, ironically, both the happiest and most terrifying day of her life. On the positive side, there is the wedding itself, in which the bride is the central attraction in a beautiful and inspiring ceremony, symbolizing her triumph in securing a male to provide for all her needs for the rest of her life. On the negative side, there is the wedding night, during which the bride must pay the piper, so to speak, by facing for the first time the terrible experience of sex. At this point, dear reader, let me concede one shocking truth. Some young women actually anticipate the wedding night ordeal with curiosity and pleasure! Beware such an attitude! A selfish and sensual husband can easily take advantage of such a bride. One cardinal rule of marriage should never be forgotten: GIVE LITTLE, GIVE SELDOM, AND ABOVE ALL, GIVE GRUDGINGLY. Otherwise what could have been a proper marriage could become an orgy of sexual lust. On the other hand, the bride's terror need not be extreme. While sex is at best revolting and at worse rather painful, it has to be endured, and has been by women since the beginning of time, and is compensated for by the monogamous home and by the children produced through it. It is useless, in most cases, for the bride to prevail upon the groom to forego the sexual initiation. While the ideal husband would be one who would approach his bride only at her request and only for the purpose of begetting offspring, such nobility and unselfishness cannot be expected from the average man. Most men, if not denied, would demand sex almost every day. The wise bride will permit a maximum of two brief sexual experiences weekly during the first months of marriage. As time goes by she should make every effort to reduce this frequency. Feigned illness, sleepiness, and headaches are among the wife's best friends in this matter. Arguments, nagging, scolding, and bickering also prove very effective, if used in the late evening about an hour before the husband would normally commence his seduction. Clever wives are ever on the alert for new and better methods of denying and discouraging the amorous overtures of the husband. A good wife should expect to have reduced sexual contacts to once a week by the end of the first year of marriage and to once a month by the end of the fifth year of marriage. By their tenth anniversary many wives have managed to complete their child bearing and have achieved the ultimate goal of terminating all sexual contacts with the husband. By this time she can depend upon his love for the children and social pressures to hold the husband in the home. Just as she should be ever alert to keep the quantity of sex as low as possible, the wise bride will pay equal attention to limiting the kind and degree of sexual contacts. Most men are by nature rather perverted, and if given half a chance, would engage in quite a variety of the most revolting practices. These practices include among others performing the normal act in abnormal positions; mouthing the female body; and offering their own vile bodies to be mouthed in turn. Nudity, talking about sex, reading stories about sex, viewing photographs and drawings depicting or suggesting sex are the obnoxious habits the male is likely to acquire if permitted. A wise bride will make it the goal never to allow her husband to see her unclothed body, and never allow him to display his unclothed body to her. Sex, when it cannot be prevented, should be practiced only in total darkness. Many women have found it useful to have thick cotton nightgowns for themselves and pajamas for their husbands. These should be donned in separate rooms. They need not be removed burning the sex act. Thus, a minimum of flesh is exposed. Once the bride has donned her gown and turned off all the lights, she should lie quietly upon the bed and await her groom. When he comes groping into the room she should make no sound to guide him in her direction, lest he take this as a sign of encouragement. She should let him grope in the dark. There is always the hope that he will stumble and incur some slight injury which she can use as an excuse to deny him sexual access. When he finds her, the wife should lie as still as possible. Bodily motion on her part could be interpreted as sexual excitement by the optimistic husband. If he attempts to kiss her on the lips she should turn her head slightly so that the kiss falls harmlessly on her cheek instead. If he attempts to kiss her hand, she should make a fist. If he lifts her gown and attempts to kiss her anyplace else she should quickly pull the gown back in place, spring from the bed, and announce that nature calls her to the toilet. This will generally dampen his desire to kiss in the forbidden territory. If the husband attempts to seduce her with lascivious talk, the wise wife will suddenly remember some trivial non-sexual question to ask him. Once he answers she should keep the conversation going, no matter how frivolous it may seem at the time. Eventually, the husband will learn that if he insists on having sexual contact, he must get on with it without amorous embellishment. The wise wife will allow him to pull the gown up no farther than the waist, and only permit him to open the front of his pajamas to thus make connection. She will be absolutely silent or babble about her housework while his huffing and puffing away. Above all, she will lie perfectly still and never under any circumstances grunt or groan while the act is in progress. As soon as the husband has completed the act, the wise wife will start nagging him about various minor tasks she wishes him to perform on the morrow. Many men obtain a major portion of their sexual satisfaction from the peaceful exhaustion immediately after the act is over. Thus the wife must insure that there is no peace in this period for him to enjoy. Otherwise, he might be encouraged to soon try for more. One heartening factor for which the wife can be grateful is the fact that the husband's home, school, church, and social environment have been working together all through his life to instill in him a deep sense of guilt in regards to his sexual feelings, so that he comes to the marriage couch apologetically and filled with shame, already half cowed and subdued. The wise wife seizes upon this advantage and relentlessly pursues her goal first to limit, later to annihilate completely her husband's desire for sexual expression. @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ Subject: New Office Vocabulary Latest terms to add to your vocabulary in the late 90s office environment: Assmosis- The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss. Blamestorming- Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible. Seagull Manager- A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, s...s over everything and then leaves. Salmon Day- The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end. Chainsaw Consultant- An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee head count, leaving the brass with clean hands. CLM- Career Limiting Move - Used among microserfs to describe ill-advised activity. i.e. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM. (Also known as CLB - Career Limiting Behavior) Adminisphere- The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriat or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. Dilberted- To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character. i.e. "I've been Dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week." Flight Risk- Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave the company or department soon. 404- Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web er |
 Sign Guestbook |
 View Guestbook |
|
. |
| Visitors: 01793 |