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My Poetry
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CRACK COCAINE
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Lovin' Angel Creations |
| Laughter and humor are good for the soul... here are a few chuckles ... but, seriously folks, please vote for my website right up there on the left. Thank you. |
 MY GET-UP AND GO HAS GOT UP AND WENT How do I know that my youth is all spent? My get-up and go has got-up and went But in spite of it all I am able to grin When I think of where my get-up has been! Old age is golden, so I have heard said Yet I sometimes wonder when I get out of bed With my ears in a drawer, my teeth in a cup My eyes on the table, until I wake up. As sleep dims my eyes, I say to myself Is there anything else I should have laid on the shelf? But I am happy to say as I close my door My friends are the same, perhaps even more. When I was young my slippers were red I would kick my heels, right over my head. As I grew older my slippers were blue Still I could dance the whole evening through. Now I am older, my slippers are black, I walk to the store, and puff my way back! The reason I know my youth is all spent, My get-up and go has got-up and went But I really don't mind when I think with a grin Of all the grand places my get-up has been. Since I have retired from life's competition I busy myself with life's repetition. I get up each morning and dust off my wits Pick up the paper and read the Obits If my name is missing, I know I'm not dead. So I eat a good breakfast And go back to bed! - Author Unknown - LIFE AS AN AMERICAN We yell for the Government to balance the budget, then take the last dime we have to make the down payment on a car that will take 5 years to pay off. We demand speed laws that will stop fast driving, then won't buy a car if it can't go over 100 miles an hour. We know the lineup of every baseball team in the American and National Leagues but mumble through half the words in the "Star Spangled Banner." We'll spend half a day looking for vitamin pills to make us live longer, then drive 90 miles an hour on slick pavement to make up for lost time. We tie up our dog while letting our sixteen year old son run wild. We whip any enemy in battle, then give them the shirt off our backs. We will work hard on a farm so we can move into town where we can make more money so we can move back to the farm. We run from morning to night trying to keep our "earning power" up with our "yearning power." We get upset we're spending over a billion dollars for education, but spend three billion dollars a year for cigarettes. In the office we talk about baseball, shopping or fishing, but when we are out at the game, the mall or on the lake, we talk about business. We're supposed to be the most civilized Christian nation on earth, but we still can't deliver payrolls without an armored car. We have more experts on marriage than any other country in the world and still have more divorces. We're the country that has more food to eat than any other country in the world and more diets to keep us from eating it. ONLY IN AMERICA ...A pizza can get to your house faster than an ambulance... ...There are handicapped parking places in front of skating rinks... ...We leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage... ...We use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place... ...We buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight... Charles Sykes is the author of DUMBING DOWN OUR KIDS. He volunteered for high school and college graduates a list of things they did not learn in school. Rule 1: Life is not fair; get used to it. Rule 2: The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something before you feel good about yourself. Rule 3: You will not make 40 thousand dollars a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice president with a car phone until you earn both. Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss. He doesn't have tenure. Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping; they called it opportunity. Rule 6: If you screw up, it's not your parents' fault so don't whine about your mistakes. Learn from them. Rule 7: Before you were born your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way paying your bills, cleaning your room, and listening to you tell how idealistic you are. So before you save the rain forest from the blood-sucking parasites of your parents' generation, try delousing the closet in your own room. Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers but life has not. In some schools they have abolished failing grades, they'll give you as many times as you want to get the right answer. This, of course, bears not the slightest resemblance to anything in real life. Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off, and very few employers are interested in helping you find yourself. Do that on your own time. Rule 10: Television is not real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs. Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one. ACTUAL LABEL WARNINGS ON CONSUMER GOODS On Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!) On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (The shoplifter special!) On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap. (And that would be how?) On some Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost. (But it's *just* a suggestion!) On a hotel provided shower cap in a box: Fits one head. (Whose head?) On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box) Do not turn upside down. (Too late! You lose!) On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating. (Are you sure? Let's experiment.) On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body. (But wouldn't that save more time?) (Whose body?) On Boot's Children's cough medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery. (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.) On Nytol sleep aid: Warning: may cause drowsiness. (One would hope!) On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning keep out of children. (Or pets! What's for dinner?) On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only. (As opposed to use in outer space.) On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use. (Now I'm curious.) On Sainsbury's peanuts: Warning: contains nuts. (But no peas?) On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts. (Have a lobotomy) On a Swedish chain saw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands. (Well, then how do you get it to stop?) On a child's Superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly. (That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!) THINGS DOGS MUST REMEMBER... The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table. I will not roll my toys behind the fridge. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house. I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to be sick. I will not throw up in the car. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar. I will not wake Mommy up by sticking my cold, wet nose on her bottom end. I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them. I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging. When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside. We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV. I will not steal my Mom's laundry from the clothesline and dance all over the back yard with it. The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom and Dad's laps. My head does not belong in the refrigerator. I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and car registration. THIRTY MINUTES TO A CLEANER HOUSE You're getting company in 30 minutes. Your house is a mess. WHAT WILL YOU DO? Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the first session of Housekeeping Tips for Regular People. If you're a Martha Stewart type of housekeeper, this column is NOT for you. However, for the rest of you, this is your chance to learn 15 Secret Shortcuts to Good Housekeeping that your mother never told you. SECRET TIP 1: DOOR LOCKS If a room clearly can't be whipped into shape in 30 days--much less 30 minutes--employ the Locked Door Method of cleaning. Tell anyone who tries to go in the room that the door is intentionally locked. CAUTION: It is not advisable to use this tip for the bathroom. Time: 2 seconds SECRET TIP 2: DUCT TAPE No home should be without an ample supply. Not only is it handy for plumbing repairs, but it's a great way to hem drapes, tablecloths, clothes, just about anything. No muss, no fuss. Time: 2-3 minutes SECRET TIP 3: OVENS If you think ovens are just for baking, think again. Ovens represent at least 9 cubic feet of hidden storage space, which means they're a great place to shove dirty dishes, dirty clothes, or just about anything you want to get out of sight when company's coming. Time: 2 minutes SECRET TIP 4: CLOTHES DRYERS Like Secret Tip 3, except bigger. CAUTION: Avoid hiding flammable objects here. Time: 2.5 minutes SECRET TIP 5: WASHING MACHINES & FREEZERS Like Secret Tip 4, except even bigger. Time: 3 minutes SECRET TIP 6: DUST RUFFLES No bed should be without one. Devotees of Martha Stewart believe dust ruffles exist to keep dust out from under a bed or to help coordinate the colorful look of a bedroom. The rest of us know a dust ruffle's highest and best use is to hide whatever you've managed to shove under the bed. (Refer to Secret Tips 3, 4, 5.) Time: 4 minutes SECRET TIP 7: DUSTING The 30-Minutes-To-A-Clean-House method says: Never dust under what you can dust around. Time: 3 minutes SECRET TIP 8: DISHES Don't use them. Use plastic or paper and you won't have to. Time: 1 minute SECRET TIP 9: CLOTHES WASHING. This secret tip is brought to you by an inventive teenager. When this teen's mother went on a housekeeping strike for a month, the teen discovered you can extend the life of your underwear by two ... if you turn it wrong side out and, yes, rerun it. CAUTION: This tip is recommended only for teens and those who don't care if they get in a car wreck. Time: 3 seconds SECRET TIP 10: IRONING If an article of clothing doesn't require a full press and your hair does, a curling iron is the answer. In between curling your hair, use the hot wand to iron minor wrinkles out of your clothes. Yes, it really does work, or so I'm told, by other disciples of the 30-Minutes-To-A-Clean-House philosophy. Time: 5 minutes (including curling your hair) SECRET TIP 11: VACUUMING Stick to the middle of the room, which is the only place people look. Don't bother vacuuming under furniture. It takes way too long and no one looks there anyway. Time: 5 minutes, entire house; 2 minutes, living room only SECRET TIP 12: LIGHTING The key here is low, low, and lower. It's not only romantic, but bad lighting can hide a multitude of dirt. Time: 10 seconds SECRET TIP 13: BED MAKING Get an old-fashioned waterbed. No one can tell if those things are made up or not, saving you, oh, hundreds of seconds over the course of a lifetime. Time: 0 SECRET TIP 14: SHOWERS, TOILETS, AND SINKS Forget one and two. Concentrate on three. Time: 1 minute SECRET TIP 15: If you already knew at least 10 of these tips, don't even think about inviting a Martha Stewart type to your home. Laughter is an important part of my life. I hope it is in yours too which is why I've decided to add a little humor to my website. This page should be updated fairly often since most of my Email consists of jokes people send me. See? Most of my friends like jokes too. Please sign my guestbook right up there on top and vote for my site while you're at it by clicking on the little box on the upper left hand side of any page. It will help me to feel happier if I get a lot of votes. Thank you. If you'd like to write to me about my website with your comments, feedback, compliments, complaints or even just to say hello, please send me Email at KisSoSoft@aol.com Thank you |
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