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Yet I live
Raining Love
Dedicated to All of My Friends
To My Mother
Foolish Life
Let Me Forget
To Felicia Smith
Longing Love
One True Love
I Fell In Love Once
The One I Hate
Freak
Good vs Evil
Remember When
No Love Is There For Me
You Know Me
Could it Be
Joshua
Mirror
Sweet Dreams
Imagine
Goodbye
Never Alone
Please
Hope
Shattered
A True Friend
Death
Final Slice
Unwanted Thoughts
Betrayal
To Krystal Rushing
Mothers Tears
Short Story Valentines Horror
About Love It Can Suck
About My Friends
About Me Sarah Peterson
How Can Life Be Worth Living
My Friend Joshua Lee Meyer
Christian Emmons Longbrake
Depression
DepressonAbout Depression|
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| Josh |
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| Gothic Prince of My Heart |
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| December 26, 2000 Okay, call me crazy for making a page about Josh. Can ya blame me? Well, if you haven't already figured out by reading the poem "Joshua," I care for him very deeply. Or I guess that you could say that I love him. I probably wouldn't be making this page if I knew that he would see it. Something just tells me that he won't visit my site again, so I'm safe. Josh is my inspiration for most of my poems. He also inspired me to write "Sweet Dreems." There have been a few times that Josh has said "sweet dreams" to me before I got off line. He read the "Joshua" poem once. Just a few days ago. I thought that he would laugh at me for it. He was over at my house, and I was sick. It was Christmas Eve. I had a scrap book of my poems next to me, and he asked to see it. So, I handed it to him, but took it back and attempted to take out the poem about him. He grabbed it from me, and he read it. He was smiling the whole time too, which made me happy in a way. I told him that he could laugh at me or with me if he wanted to. To my surprise, he said that he wasn't laughing, he was actually flattered. For those of you who might have skipped the page entitled "Joshua," the poem goes like this: Just because you are my everything Our time together is special to me Seeing you makes me happy Having your love would make me sing Until the day that I die Always, I will love you Love is what you bring to my life Everytime you speak to me Everytime we see each other Making my day is what you do Even when we just talk for a minute or two You are my Everything Everything in my heart Real and true By: Sarah Peterson November 28, 2000 So, maybe I'm pathetic to love him as much as I do. Or obsessed to love him as much as I do. Hell, I don't know. I do know that Josh means the world to me. Something else happened that night. Christmas Eve. Before Josh left, I gave him a hug, as usual, but he surprised me. He kissed me. It was just a peck on the lips though, but still, it was a kiss. Sometimes he confuses me. There have been times when I've wondered if he's hiding feelings for me. Feelings beyond friendship. I've tried to forget about him so many times. I've tried to quit loving him. It didn't work. Everytime I tried, all I could do was think about him. Thoughts of him fill every day of my life. I think about him, and I smile. I even dream about him sometimes. Sometimes I dream that he and I are together and we are in love. Needless to say, those are my sweet dreams. I kind of wish that Josh wouldn't have kissed me. Because I know it was just a friendship kiss. But it still bugs me. I've never had a best guy friend that I've kissed on the lips before. Maybe he felt like he owed it to me for the poem or something. I wish to someday share a real kiss with him. For a kiss to be real, it has to mean something special between the two persons kissing. I am writing a book. I've been writing it since summer basically. It's basically about my life. When I started writing it, I didn't know that Josh would end up being the main person in it, besides myself. I guess it's kind of like an autobiography. I'm hoping that some day, when I'm done with it, I'll get it published. I'm not going to be done with it though until I get a happy ending. My happy ending would be me falling in love with some one. The one that I'm hoping to fall in love with though, is Josh, and I don't know if that's going to happen. I want for this book to help teenagers. To let them know that they're not alone, and that there is a reason to live, and so on. I think it would be great to help people with emotional problems. Josh has helped me so much. That's why he's basically my best friend I guess. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing though. I'm somewhat afraid that I love him too much, and I might end up scaring him away or something. I don't want that to happen. If true love can come out of a strong friendship between a guy and a girl, I hope that it happens between me and Josh. That would be my happy ending. And probably a beginning of another story. To whomever reads this page, follow your heart, it's the best thing God gave you. Josh told me that. But I'm still trying to follow mine. It's hard when the guy you love is your best friend. And seems to consider you as nothing more than a best friend. Until more happens, that's all I have to say for now. December 30, 2000: Well, more has happened. For me, a dream has come true. Josh finally asked me out. He asked me out on December twenty ninth. It was early in the morning; probably around twelve thirty or one o'clock. Josh and Danial came over around eleven thirty. Kim was spending the night. I still can't believe that Josh and I are together. It's almost like I'm dreaming. I'm still trying to wake myself up. It feels somewhat weird in a way though. Maybe it's because we were best friends and now we're in a relationship. I just hope that he's happy with me. Josh and I started to mess around with each other before he told me that he wanted a relationship. I told him that I didn't want to be used in any way, shape, or form. He told me that I wasn't. So I asked him what why he was with me. He whispered that he was tired of waiting and that he wanted a relationship. For those of you who read this, never give up hope. Hope is what has brought me this far. If a dream can come true for me, then a dream can probably come true for anybody. It's those special ones that can become true. Even if it takes a year. I'm happy for a change, but I don't know how this is going to turn out. I just know that I can't tell the future, so I have to find out what happens. I just hope that Josh is as happy with me as I am with him. January 27, 2000 I guess that you could say that I've had a draw back on working on this site. It's been hard for me to do much of anything. My dream basically got shattered. I'm no longer with Josh. My dream got shattered. Here is the email that he sent me awhile back: January 4, 2001 Sarah, ive had some time to think to myself with no interuptions from my usual life.....ive thought about alot of things....stuff you couldnt even imagine...where should i start......well theres my life in general....it isnt as bad as i had thought it was....but most of what i have thought about pertains to my future....my job status....and stuff like that.....ive realized that its time for me to start working towards the goals i have yet to set for myself...theres something that i need to ask of you though...and yes it is about our relationship....and whatever your thinking (and i know you are hehe) this isnt a bad thing....i just think...no i feel...i feel i need you as a friend more then anything in my life right now...so can we put our relationship on hold till im ready?....im just not ready for a commitment yet....cause i have to get some shit going in my life and i dont want you to feel shut out...i hope your not upset..i just need some time....please tell me your gonna be ok about this....and trust me if it works out the way i plan on making work..it will be worth it... josh p.s. you always make me smile...just remember that... I'm so sad, depressed, and upset. I know, I should be happy that he just wanted to "put the relationship on hold." Right? Well, I feel like he only said that so it wouldn't hurt my feelings as badly. What really hurts is the fact that he was like my best friend before all of this happened. Now it's like we don't talk or see each other. It hurts so much. He gave me hope. He was the one who made me happy just by having his friendship. I wish he knew that. Maybe then he'd understand how much his friendship is needed in my life right now. How much he is needed in my life right now. But no, my dreams are shattered, and he is no where to be found in my time of need. March 11, 2001 Okay, I really hate this so much. I feel like such a loser. I hate it when people lie to me. I was right about Josh not telling me the truth so it wouldnt hurt as badly. It turns out he has a girlfriend. He's not the one who told me though. I found out on my own. It hurts so much. We really dont talk to each other anymore. I think he hates me or something. I just wish that he would have told me the truth. Maybe then it wouldnt have hurt as much. He must not know that sometimes those little white lies can hurt. I miss our friendship. I miss the way he'd come online and just say "hi." And he'd make me feel better just by saying "hi" to me. Even if that was the only thing he said to me. I want our friendship back so badly. The friendship I had with him was great. He told me that our friendship would never be tainted and that he'd be my friend forever. But that's not how it turned out, he may not realize this, but we really aren't friends anymore. For there to be a friendship, you gotta talk, you gotta just say "hi." You gotta be there and say "hey, i'm always here for you." Well, no matter how hard I try to save my frienships, they always end up badly. I guess I'm just not a good friend to have. It's funny how I care about my friends so much, and they could care less about me. It's very heartaching. April 4, 2001 Life is so confusing. Guys are so confusing. I talked to Josh for the first time in about two months today. I was at school, and I got on MSN Messenger. Turns out that Josh was on it. I messaged him from my crazypsychogirl account and basically said that I knew he and I would probably never talk again, and that he was one friend that I wished I would have never lost, or something like that. After I typed that message, I signed out of that account and signed into my gothicprincess2003 account. Of course, being the forgetful person that I am, I forgot that I added Josh onto that Messenger list awhile back. He told me that he was sorry for everything that he ever did to hurt me. Some of the things he said almost made me cry for more than one reason. One reason being because I don't know whether he was being honest or not. About still wanting to be my friend and sorry for hurting me. I told him that I forgave him. He said that I don't know how much that means to him. He's right. I don't. And I never will. He also told me the "truth" about why he broke up with me. He said that when he was with me, he felt trapped. Trapped... That's kinda funny in a sad sense, because I wasn't even with him for more than a week. And I gave him as much space as he needed. But I was prepared actually. I knew that he was feeling something when we were going out. I could sense that something was going through his mind. I was right. But it took me until now to finally figure out exactly what that was. He's in a band now. I forgot what the name of it was. I wish I could be one of those people in the front row when he becomes famous. One of those people who is his number one biggest fan. That's not going to happen though. I'll be lucky if I ever do get to see and hear him in this band. Before I got offline, I told him that I wanted to come visit him sometime, or visa versa. But it would feel weird or something. He told me that I could come over anytime. It's just not that easy though. I'd have to work up the courage to go see him again for one. For another thing, I'd be too afraid that he'd have important company like his girlfriend Valarie or something. I'm so confused right now. Josh said to me that things can change. What I didn't tell him is what I thought though. Yes, things can change, but some things don't change. And for me, if the change for the better, all they ever do is get worse again. I'm just cursed, and I will forever be cursed. To anybody who is reading this, you are lucky. I don't care who you are. You are lucky. Especially if you don't feel what I feel every night and day of my life. April 5, 2001 Today I saw Josh. Yep, I got up the courage to go see him after school today. I was right, it was kind of awkward. But I am happy that I got to see him again. School got out at 4:45PM and I got to Josh's around 3:15PM I thing. Maybe a little bit later than that. He doesn't really live very far away from my school. I started to walk right by his house, but then I thought to myself, "fuck this, this friendship is one that means very much to me, and I will do anything in my power to build it back up again." Going to his house was the first step. We talked the whole time that I was there, with a few times of silence between us. Every time that happened though, I did my best to start talking again. He told me what the name of band was that he is again, but I forgot again. My memory really isn't very good at all. What really made me feel good when I was over there is that I made him laugh a few times. Just seeing him smile and hearing him laugh again makes me feel better. He's actually one friend that I do want to live for. To hear him laugh, to see him smile, and hopefully one day see him play in his band. He gave me a ride home around 4:20PM and before I got out of the car, I made sure to hug him. Because I know it's going to be a long time before I hug him again. He smells so good!!! Even if part of why he smells good is cigarette smoke. I told him that he could come by and see me anytime since I came by and saw him. He told me that he knew and that he would, it was just that he's been really busy with everything in his life right now. I'll believe it when I see it if he comes over. But I know one thing for sure, I'll be one of the happiest people the day or night that he actually does come to see me. Room on this page is probably going to run out before too much longer, but when I do run out of room, I'll just start another page dedicated to Josh. April 15, 2001 I hate Easter. I was talking to Josh online just a few minutes ago. I told him "Merry Easter" even though it went against everything I stand for because I hate holidays. He said "Happy Fucking Bunny Day." But I told him that I don't want to fuck a bunny. Our friendship just isn't the same anymore. I hate the fact that it's not. I wish more than anything that I could be like best friends with him again. Why do things have to get so fucked up? One day at lunch, somehow Josh got brought into the conversation. Knowing me, I probably said something like "he always smells so good," or something about how his hugs can make a person feel better somehow. Shirley started talking about how she got a ride one time from him, but not a very long one. Then I started talking about how I hated the fact that he felt trapped when he was with me. Shirley, being the friend that she is, said that she thought that he was, and I quote, "afraid of falling in love with me." Then Tabitha agreed with her. I said "no, no guy in their right mind would ever fall in love with me." Shirley hit me!! But hey, it's the truth. Now if Kim was still in school and sitting at our lunch table, then she probably would have some smart aleck remark. She doesn't really seem to care about a person's feelings. Tabitha was over at my house last night, and I was talking to her about that day at the lunch table. I told her that I didn't get what they mean by that. How could you be afraid of falling in love? Wait a minute; self realization: I'm afraid of falling in love. But that's somewhat different. Tabitha said that what he felt before was probably lust, and he was afraid of falling in love with me. I still don't get it. I'm almost certain that's not it. I'm just a piece of defective merchandise. Nobody wants the whole package...no matter how little of a flaw the item has. That's me for ya. Take me, use me for the few measly days taht you want me, and then take me back for a refund or a perfect exchange. Yep, that's me...Sarah the defective one... August 16, 2006 Yes, it truly has been a very long time since I last update my site. Everybody more than likely are still very curious about my relationship, or non-relationship rather with Josh. He and I are still friends. Nothing more. He lives about 45 minutes away from the town I live in now. I think that he is still with the girlfriend that he dumped me for. Whether or not he really dumped me for her, I will never be sure, but that's the story I have gotten. It is to my understanding that he is unhappy with her and is only living with her now because he has no other place to stay. Again, these are all sayings that I am hearing from different sources. Anyway, if anybody is wondering about the name of his band, it is Synesthetic. I'm currently working on getting permission from them to start a page on her about them. So, be patient, and we shall see what happens. I saw them and The Messiah Complex and One Hand Down on the 12th. I got two *BIG* hugs from Josh too. That made me really happy. It's amazing, I've been through so much these past 5 years, yet still his hugs are the only ones that can make every thought, every pain, every anything....just melt away. I still love him. I will aways love him. And yes, alas, I feel as if he is still "the one." The "one" for me. I am currently married and the mother of two beautiful kids, but I am very unhappy in my relationship. If Josh told me that he loved me and wanted to be with me again, I would be there, by his side, in a heartbeat. I want to be the one standing right there in the middle in front of the stage at all of his shows rocking him on more than anybody ever has. I want to be the one that takes care of him when he is sick. I want to be the one that brightens up his life in the gloomiest days with just my smile and my love shining through all the darkness for him. I want to be the one that writes little love notes and poems and puts them in his lunchbox or pocket or whatever before he goes to work. I want to be the one that he comes home to and cooks a lovely dinner for him. I want to be...the girl... in all of his dreams.... |
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