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Yet I live
Raining Love
Dedicated to All of My Friends
To My Mother
Foolish Life
Let Me Forget
To Felicia Smith
Longing Love
One True Love
I Fell In Love Once
The One I Hate
Freak
Good vs Evil
Remember When
No Love Is There For Me
You Know Me
Could it Be
Joshua
Mirror
Sweet Dreams
Imagine
Goodbye
Never Alone
Please
Hope
Shattered
A True Friend
Death
Final Slice
Unwanted Thoughts
Betrayal
To Krystal Rushing
Mothers Tears
Short Story Valentines Horror
About Love It Can Suck
About My Friends
About Me Sarah Peterson
How Can Life Be Worth Living
My Friend Joshua Lee Meyer
Christian Emmons Longbrake
Depression
DepressonAbout Depression|
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| Why am I still alive? |
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| I got and still get through it, you will too. |
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| There was a time, and there still are times, in my life that I wish I could just die. I tried to follow through on it once too. I overdosed on pills that my mom had lying around. This was around the middle of December, 1999. It was very stupid of me, I know. There was only one person that knew about it that actually seemed to care though. That person was Josh. He emailed me, and the email almost made me cry. The main reason why I almost cried was because he basically told me that I was somebody. That my existence does matter. Until a few weeks ago, I still hadn't fully believed that I mattered. I don't know how or why, but I've changed much over the past two weeks. I have actually been praying to God almost every night for the past week. I just hope that it's not too late. There have been times that I did not believe in Him. But believe me, I do. I know it's a sin to not believe. That's why I'm afraid that I'm not going to go to Heaven. I cry everytime I pray. I ask for forgiveness for my many sins. Though, I think there are people whom have sinned more than me. I must say that two of my friends have helped me to improve my faith towards God. Those two friends are Josh Meyer, and Felicia Smith. To them, I am forever greatful. If it wasn't for my friends and my family, (the ones that I see most) I would probably not be the happy person that I am today. Though I still do get into my depression states. But I always get out of them, thanks to my friends. Update: There have been more times besides that one now that I have tried to commit suicide. That one though, I have to say was the closest that I have ever gotten. Guys are stupid to want to kill yourself over. I think I figured that out no so long ago. I wish it didn't take me until now to figure it out. I have two children at the moment. They are my one and only reason for living most of the time. Their daddy is Christian. I have created a page about him on this site to; sorry if it takes awhile to develop though. I have been through so much with him that it isn't even funny. I have been hurt physically, mentally, and emotionally by him. I swear that there were times that I would never get out of my reclusive depressive state. I must say that I am still depressed most of the time. I was 16 when I had my daughter, Drucilla. Her father broke up with me the month after I got pregnant with her. It wasn't until I was almost half way through my pregnancy that I realized that though. He never really came out and told me, ya know? I'm sure that there are some girls and/or guys out there that can relate to that. It also wasn't until AFTER I had Dru that I realized he had been with other women throughout my whole pregnancy. There was mainly one. He was only 21 at the time, and he was with an almost 40 year old all through my pregnancy! Gross! Let me tell ya, I finally seen a picture of her a few months after Dru was born, and let me tell everybody, she totally looked like a pitbull! Yuck. Then he straightened up after I caught him red-handed. There was this stupid crackhead in town. She was just a "friend." Christian kept telling me how I need to make friends and all of that bullshit. So, what does she do, she calls my house asking for him. She says that they're doing drugs at her house and she wants him to come pick her up and take her away. Taking his advice, I come pick her up and take her away. So, what does she do half-way through the drive to find him? She says "We slept together!" WTF! There I was with his 2 week old daughter and he was out fucking around with this NASTY bitch! He tried to deny it too. Know what he says now? Over four years later, she says that she "raped" him. How am I supposed to believe that huh? The only reason he even said that anyway is because I had broken up with him last summer. I broke up with him last summer because he was fucking around with women on the internet. I got so pissed one night, I started kicking him. He literally beat the shit out of me. I have the pics to prove it. I will probably put them on this page once I get enough $$$ to pay for extra storage. After I broke up with him then too, he said he "blacked out." I could not move for almost two weeks straight. It hurt to lay on anything but my back. I had bruises all the way from my face, to my chest, and all the way across to both of my upper arms. Sometimes, I'm still not sure why I'm with him. After all I've been through. He has NEVER done that to me again after I broke up with him though. Maybe I just feel like he's the only one that will ever want me. Or the only one that I would want that I could actually get. Maybe just for my kids. I don't know. I just wish I knew more things. My kids are the light of my life. I stay alive for them. I quit trying to overdose with any pills I could find. The time a little after he really beat me up was the last time that I did that. I realized that I need to stay here for them, if for nothing else. Their love will always be the truest love I will ever have. I love them so much. Even if I did not have them, I would hope that I would have stopped long before then. I do not know what would have happened though. I cannot say truly where I would be. Would I be dead? Alive? Married? Single? With some one else? There will always be never-ending questions. The answers may never be there either. I finally just decided to live my life day by day. So here I am. If anyone ever needs someone to talk to, I am more than happy to listen. I will only give advice if I am asked or I truly think that I can help. Use me as a vent if you need. I'll always be here. Life is hard. I know. But there IS some one. Some reason out there. The reason WHY you ARE here. Living. Breathing... |
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