More Jokes - Comedy & Humor - http://maxpages.com/larry8/Jokes2

"Poem"
roses are red, pickles are green
i love your legs and whats between
i like your style i like your class
but most of all i like your ass

im a cool girl, in a cool town
it takes a real mother fucker to put me down
kissing is a sport
fucking is a game
guys get all the pleasure
girls get all the pain

the guy says i love you
you belive its true
9 months later,
he says "the hell with you"
the baby is a bastard
the mother is a whore
all this wouldn't have happened
if the rubber wouldn't have torn

sex is when a guy's comunication
enters a girl's information
to increase the population
for a younger generation
do you get the information...
or do you need a demonstaration

roses are red
violets are corney,
when i think of you
ohh baby i get horney,
eat me,
beat me,
bite me,
blow me,
suck me,
fuck me,
very slowly,
if you kiss me
don't get me sassy,
use your tounge
and make it nasty!!!!

"Indian Man"

A film crew was on location deep in the desert. One day an
old Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow rain."

The next day it rained. A week later, the Indian went up to
the director and said, "Tomorrow storm."

The next day there was a hailstorm. "This Indian is
incredible," said the director. He told his secretary to
hire the Indian to predict the weather for the remaining of
the shoot. However, after several successful predictions,
the old Indian didn't show up for two weeks.

Finally the director sent for him. "I have to shoot a big

scene tomorrow," said the director, "and I'm depending on
you. What will the weather be like?"

The Indian shrugged his shoulders. "Don't know," he said.
"My radio is broken."
"MasterCard Commercial that never made it"

Cover charge: $15.00
Round of drinks: $23.00
Table dance: $30.00
Another round of drinks: $23.00
Couch dance and tips: $50.00
A round of shots: $34.00
Another round of drinks: $23.00
Lap Dance and Hand Job: $100.00
Private dance and hotel room: $500.00
Sending her on her way without having to discuss your feelings...
......priceless

"Untitled"
A man walked into a bar...he said "ow"
-Mark the .....

"Son of a Bitch"
A priest was fishing with a layman one day, and it was his first time. Soon he brought up a huge nice-looking bass and the layman exclaimed, "Whoa, that is one big Son of a Bitch!" The priest asked the layman to watch his mouth, but the layman cleverly lied, "Oh, no thats what that type of fish is called." Satisfied the priest too the fish back to the church and showed it to the bishop. He said, "Look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!" The bishop told him to watch his mouth in the house of God, but the priest returned that it was the type of fish. So the bishop decided that he would clean and cut the fish and give it to Sister Margaret to cook. When he finished he found the sister and said, "Will you please cook this Son of a Bitch?" Sister Margaret had an astounded look on her face, but the bishop said to her that it was the name of the fish. So she cooked the fish.
Later that evening, while they were all having dinner, the Pope came in to join them. As he ate he remarked, "This fish is delecious."
"I caught that son of a bitch" Said the priest.
"I cleaned that son of a bitch" Said the Bishop.
"And I cooked that son of a bitch" Said Sister Margaret.
The Pope looked at them for a bit, leaned back into his chair and said, "You F**kers are alright!"

" Amish Family"
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by
almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls
that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked, "What is
this, Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded,
"Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know
what it is." While the boy and his father were watching with amazement,
an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed
a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a
small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the
small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They
continued to watch until it reached the last number and then as these
numbers began to light in reverse order. The walls opened up again and
a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped out. The father, not taking his
eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Go get your
Mother."

"The Old Man"
A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a 1996 Turbo
Best Car. It is the best and most expensive car in the world, and it
runs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so,
stops for a red light. An old man on a moped (both looking about 90
years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over the sleek,
shiny surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there,
sonny?" The young many replies "A 1996 Turbo Best Car. They cost
$500,000." "That's a lot of money!" says the old man, shocked. "Why
does it cost so much?" "Because this car can do up to 320 miles an
hour!" states the cool dude proudly.The moped driver asks, "Can I take
a look inside?" "Sure" replies the owner. So, the old man pokes his
head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old
man says "That's a pretty nice car, all right!" Just then the light
changes, so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He
floors it, and within 30 seconds the
speedometer reads 320 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view
mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it
could be and suddenly, whhoossh! Something whips by him, going much
faster!" "What on earth could be going faster than my Turbo Best Car?"
the young man asks himself. Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming
toward him. Whooosshh! It goes by again! And, it almost looked like the
old man on the moped! "Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How could a moped
outrun a Turbo Best Car?" Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror!
Whoooshka-BbblaMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the
rear end. The young man jumps out, and Wow, IT IS the old man!!! Of
course, the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. He runs up
to the dying old man and says, "You're hurt bad! Is there anything I
can do for you?" The old man groans and replies "Yes. Unhook my
suspenders from your side-view mirror!"

" Beans Joke"

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for
baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and
somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in
love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to
himself, "She'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on
like this" so he made the supreme
sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly after that they were married. A
few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and
since they lived in the country, he 'phoned his wife and told her that
he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a
small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him.
Since he still had several
miles to walk he thought he would walk off any ill effects before he
got home. So he went in and ordered three extra large helpings of
beans. All the way home he pooted. By the time he arrived home he felt
reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat
excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise
for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him and led him to
his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At
this point he was beginning to feel another fart coming on. Just as his
wife was about to remove the blindfold, the phone rang. She again made
him promise not to peek until she returned and went to answer the
phone. While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his
weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a
rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and
fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better when
another urge came on. He raised his leg and rriiipppp! It sounded like
a diesel engine revving and smelled worse. To keep himself from
gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would
dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt
another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go.
This was a real blue ribbon winner; the windows shook, the dishes on
the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were
dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway,
and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this
for the next 10 minutes, pooting and then fanning each time with his
napkin. When he heard the phone farewells (indicating the end of his
loneliness and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded
his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of
innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she
asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had
not peeked, she
removed the blindfold and yelled "SURPRISE!" To his shock and horror,
there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his
surprise birthday party.

"Little Old Lady"
A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag
of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the
bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!" After
much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the
president's office (the customer is always right!). The bank president
then asked her how much she
would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out
of her bag onto his desk. The president was of course curious as to how
she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma’am, I'm surprised
you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?" The
old lady replied, "I make bets." The president then asked, "Bets? What
kind of bets?" The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you
$25,000 that your balls are square." "Ha!" laughed the president,
"That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!" The old lady
challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," said the
president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!" The little
old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of
money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM as a
witness?" "Sure!" replied the confident president. That night, the
president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front
of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and
again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was
absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.
The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared
with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to
the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls
are square!" The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady
asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president
complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then
asked if she could feel them. "Well, Okay," said the president,
"$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."
Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was
quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old
lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?" She replied,
"Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 AM today, I'd have
The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand."

" An Embarrasing Problem"
An old woman goes to the doctors and confesses to an embarrasing
problem. "I fart all the time doctor, but they're soundless and they
have no odour." "In fact since I've been here I've farted no less than
twenty times." "What can I do?" "Here's a prescription, Mrs harris.
Take these pills three times a day for seven days and come back and see
me in a week." The next
week an upset Mrs Harris marched into the doctors office. "Doctor, I
don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I still
fart just as much but now they smell terrible!" "What do you have to
say for yourself?" "Calm down, Mrs Harris " said the doctor smothingly.
"Now that we've fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing."

"Lil'Johnny"
Lil' Johnny's mother took her 6 year old son with her to the bank. They
were in line behind a rather obese lady. As the mother patiently
waited,Lil' Johnny looked at the women in front of him and observed
loudly, "Hey, Mom, she's really fat." The lady looked at Johnny, made
eye contact with his mother and gave an understanding smile. Lil'
Johnny received a reprimand. After a
minute or two, Lil' Johnny spread his hands as far as they will go and
loudly said, "I bet her butt is 'that' wide." At this the lady glared
at Johnny. His embarrassed mother severely scolds her son. Again after
a couple of minutes Lil' Johnny stated loudly, "Look how the fat hangs
over her belt." The lady turned and told Johnny's mother to control her
child and so his mother threatened him with severe bodily harm. The
lady's pager begins to go off. Lil' Johnny yelled in a panic at the top
of his voice, "Run for your life, she's backing up"

"Seatbelt Competition"
A policeman pulled a car over and told the driver he had won $5,000
dollars in the seatbelt competition. "What are you going to do with the
money?" asked the policeman. "Well, I guess I'm going to get a drivers
license", he answered. "Oh, don't listen to him," said a woman in the
passenger seat, "He's a smart aleck when he's drunk." Then the guy in
the backseat said, "I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car." At
that moment there was a knock from the trunk and a voice said, "Are we
over the border yet?"

"A New Bike For Christmas"
A little boy wanted a new bike for Christmas. His mother told him they
did not have any money for a bike. But she told him if he would tell
Jesus what a good boy he would be, maybe Jesus would allow him to have
one. The little boy sat down to write Jesus a letter. As he began the
letter..."Dear Jesus I will be good for one year..." He scribbled that
out and wrote, "Dear Jesus I
will be good for one month..." Then he scribbled that out and wrote,
"Dear Jesus I will be good for one whole week...." In his disgust he
tore up the paper and went for a walk. As he walked he passed by the
local church were there was a Nativity scene. He began to run as fast
as he could and, when he past by the figure of Mary, grabbed her up and
ran home. He ran in the front
door and to his room. There he began a new letter that started..."Dear
Jesus if you ever want to see your mother again..."

Larry8@aol.com

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Page Updated Tue Oct 19, 1999 8:10pm EDT