Jokes that'll piss your pants....don't take this literally - Keep coming back for new jokes - Comedy & Humor

"Gas Station"

Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young
trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked
their truck the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At
the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men
as they checked her gas meter.

Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger
coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an
older guy could outrun a younger one.

As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last
house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her
what was wrong.

Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two men from the gas company
running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!"

"Three Daughters"

A farmer had 3 lovely daughters, all who had dates on Friday
night. One by one the local boys came by to pick them up.

The first boy arrived and said: "Hi, I'm Eddie, I'm here for
Betty, we're going steady, is she ready?"
The farmer called Betty and she and Eddie went on their way.

The second boy arrived and said: "Hi, I'm Joe, I'm here for
Flo, we're going to the show, is she ready to go?"
The farmer called Flo and she and Joe went on their way.

The third boy arrived in an old beat up pickup, came to the
door and said: "Hi, I'm Chuck"

The farmer shot him.

"Koala"

A little koala bear wanders into a whorehouse. He climbs the stairs,
finds a door open goes in to the room to find a naked prostitute asleep
on the bed. He quickly climbs into the bed and begins performing oral
sex on the prostitute. She wakes up and decides that since it feels so
good she'll let him finish.
The koala finishes, wipes his chin, climbs off the bed and heads for
the door. The prostitute jumps up and yells at him "Hey, you have to
pay for that". The koala shrugs and continues to head for the door.
The prostitute yells at him again, "Hey you have to pay for that. I'm
a prostitute". She gets up and pulls a dictionary off a shelf and shows
the koala the definition.
PROSTITUTE (n.) a person receiving payment for sexual services.
The koala shrugs, takes the dictionary and turns the pages to the
definition of koala bear.
KOALA (n.) a small bear that eats bushes and leaves.

"Three Gays"
Three gay guys were sitting in a tub full of water. Suddenly a condom floats. They look at each other in wonder, then one of them says, "Who farted?"

"Genie Joke"
One day a passanger ship sank for unknown reasons. Only two men managed to survive by escaping on a lifeboat. However, their supplies and food was meager, and in a few days they had nothing to eat. After drifting for days one of them sees a bottle floating in the water. They get it and open. WHOOSH! Out comes a genie. "I am the great genie of the ocean! I would grant you three wishes, but I've lost my power from all this seawater, so I can only grant you one."
At hearing this, one of the two men screams out in desperation, "MAKE THE OCEAN BEER!!!"
"It is done" said the genie. And in a puff of smoke he's gone and the ocean turns a light brown color.
The other man in the boat screams at his stupid associate, "You Idiot!!! Now we have to pee in the boat!!"

"Another Genie Joke"

Two friends were playing golf when one pulled out a cigar but
he didn't have a lighter so he asked his friend if he had one.
"I sure do," he replied and reached into his golf bag and pulled
out a 12 inch Bic lighter.
"Wow!" said his friend, "where did you get that monster lighter?"
"I got it from my genie."
"You have a genie?" he asked.
"Yes, he's right here in my golf bag."
"Could I see him?"
He opens his golf bag and out pops the genie.
The friend says, "I'm a good friend of your master. Will you grant me
one wish?"
"Yes I will," the genie said so he asks him for a million bucks
and the genie hops back into the golf bag and leaves him standing there
waiting for his million bucks.
Suddenly the sky begins to darken and the sound of a million ducks
flying overhead is heard.
The friend tells his golfing partner, "I asked for a million bucks not
ducks!"
He answers, "I forgot to tell you the genie is hard of hearing.
Do you really think I asked him for a 12 inch Bic?"

"Little Johnny in Math Class"

A teacher was helping her students with a math problem. She
recited the following story: "There are three birds sitting on a
wire. A gunman shoots one of the birds. How many birds are left on the
wire?"
A boy pauses. "None," he replied thoughtfully.
"No, no, no, let's try again," the teacher says patiently. She holds up three fingers. "There are three birds sitting on a wire. A gunman shoots one," she puts down one finger, "how many birds are left on the wire?"
"None," the boy says with authority. The teacher sighs. "Tell me how you came up with that."
"It's simple," says the boy, "after the gunman shot one bird, he scared the other two away."
"Well," she says, "it's not technically correct, but I
like the way you think."
"Okay," chimes the boy, "now let me ask you a question.
"There are three women sitting on a bench eating Popsicles. One woman is licking the Popsicle, one woman is biting the Popsicle,
and one is sucking the Popsicle. Which one is married?" he asked
innocently.
The teacher looked at the boy's angelic face and writhed in agony,
turning three shades of red.
"C'mon," the boy said impatiently, "one is licking the Popsicle, one is biting and one is sucking. Which one is married?"
"Well," she gulped and in a barely audible whisper replied, "the one
who's sucking?"
"No," the boy says with surprise, "the one with the wedding ring on. But I like the way you think."

"Robbed"

A couple of dumb hicks from West Virginia decide that they are
tired of being poor and plan to go into Wheeling to rob a bank.
They practice safe cracking for months until they are able to open any
safe around. Late one night they drive into Wheeling and go into the first bank they see. When inside to their surprise they see
dozens of
little safes instead of one large one. They open one of the safes and inside they find a container of vanilla pudding but no money.
They eat the pudding and continue to open one safe after another only to find
a container of vanilla pudding in each one.
Around daybreak they still haven't found any money but are quite
full
from eating all the pudding so they decide to go home. The next
day
the headline of the Wheeling Gazette reads "SPERM BANK HAS BEEN ROBBED!"

"Black Halloween Party"

There was a black man and woman who were preparing for a Halloween party. The man said, "Go buy me a costume and put it on the bed." The lady agreed and bought him a costume. The next day he saw a Superman costume on the bed.
"What the hell is this?! Have you ever heard of a black Superman?" He said. The wife was angry and decided to buy him another costume. The next day the man saw a Batman costume on the bed. "What the hell is this?! Have you ever heard of a black Batman?" He said. By this time the wife was irate, so she got some white circles, a strip of white cloth, and a block of wood. The man saw these on the bed and said, "What the hell is this?!" The black lady answered, "You can take off your clothes, put these circles on and go as a Domino, put this strip of cloth on and go as an Oreo, or take this wood block and shove it up your ass and go as a Fudgesicle!"

"Adult Words"

One day in Kindergarten class, Mrs. Apple told her kids to write a paragraph on what they did that weekend, but they couldn't use baby words anymore, they had to use adult words. So, Sally gives her report and says, "This weekend I visited my Nana." "No, not your Nana, your Grandmother," replied Mrs. Apple. Then Joey went up and said "I went on a choo-choo this weekend" "No, not a choo-choo, a train." So Eddie, who realized what was going on, sucked his stomach up with pride and exclaimed, "This weekend I read Winnie the S**t!!"

"The Professor"

Katie was in class one day when her teacher was explaining about sperm. He started talking about the glucose formula in sperm when Katie raised her hand. She said, "Isn't there sugar in the glucose formula of sperm?"
The professor answered, "Yes, there is." "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?" she replied. Everyone in her class started to laugh. Finally realizing what she had said she ran out the room and down the hall. In the heat of the moment the professor answered, "That's because you have tastebuds on the tip of your toungue not the back of your throat!"

"The Three Chinese Tortures"

A man was lost in these deep woods for almost two weeks. Thirsty, starved, and tired he came across a Chinese man. "Please help me, good sir, I've been stranded for two weeks, I'm lost, and I'm hungry." begged the man. The Chinese man replied, "I will help you on one condition, if you touch my daughter I will bestow upon you the three worst Chinese tortures." The man agreed and had dinner with the Chinese man in his house. Soon, the Chinese man's daughter came down. She was young, beautiful, and obviously very curious of the stranger, she couldn't take her eyes off him. But the man kept to himself, fearing the tortures. That night he couldn't help himself and went to the daughter's room for a night of pleasure, hoping the old Chinese man would sleep through it. He returned to his room feeling good and relax. The next morning he awoke with a great pressure on his chest. He looked up and saw a large rock on his chest, with a note reading "Chinese Torture #1: Large Rock on Chest" The man almost laughed to himself at how stupid the torture was and thought he would have an easy time, so he picked up the rock and threw it out the window. As the rock fell he noticed that there was a rope attached to it and on the rope was another note reading "Chinese Torture #2: Large Rock Tied to Left Testicle" The man paniced and thought that a few broken ribs would be better than castration, so he jumped out the window. As he fell he saw another sign reading "Chinese Torture #3: Right Testicle Tied to Bedpost."

"Voodoo Dick"

A man was going on a buisness trip, but he was scared his wife would screw around while he was gone, so he decided to buy her something to play with until he got back. So, he was looking around the shop at all the dildos and vibrators, but he didn't think any were good enough for his wife, so he asked the clerk, "Do you have anything really special that will please my wife." The clerk replied, "Well, there is...the Voodoo Dick," and saying that, he took out a rectangular black box from beneath the counter, and opened it. It looked just like any other dildo, and the man said this, but the clerk told him to watch, "Voodoo Dick, the Door!" commanded the clerk, and with that the voodoo dick floated up and started banging the keyhole of the door like a jack-hammer. By the time the clerk said "Voodoo Dick, your box, there was a noticable dent in the keyhole. The man was extremely pleased, and asked how much, and the clerk replied it wasn't for sale, but ended up selling it for 400$. The man took it to his wife and showed her how to make it work by saying "Voodoo dick, my pussy. So he went on his Buisness trip. His wife then took the dick and said, "Voodoo Dick, my pussy!" and she had three orgasms in half an hour. By then she thought it was enough so she tried to take it out, but her husband forgot to tell her how to remove it. So dhe thought it best to go to the hospital for help. She put on some clothes and got in her car, all the while the voodoo dick was still pounding in her. On her way to the hospital, she had another orgasm and started swerving all over the road. A police officer saw her, and had her pull over to the shoulder of the road. The man's wife started explaining her whole story, and the officer looked at her and said, "Yeah, right, Voodoo Dick MY A$$!!!"

"McGregor"

Once an old Irish guy named McGregor was sitting in a bar nest to a younger guy. He turned to the kid and, feeling the bar said "You see this bar? I built this bar with me own bare hands. I laid it down, block for block, but do they call me McGregor the bar builder? Nooo."
Then, turning toward the window, he pointed at a stone wall and said, "You see that wall out there? I built that wall with me own bare hands. I laid it stone for stone, but do they call me McGregor the wall builder? NooOO."
Then he pointed out the door at a pier and said, "You see that pier? I built that pier with me own bare hands, I laid it pillar for pillar, but do they call me McGregor the pier biulder??? NooOOoo!!"
"But ya go an F**k one little goat...

"Half-sister"

One day, a guy runs into his parents house and yells, "Mom, Dad I met this great girl named Ann, and I'm completely in love with her, and we're getting married!!"
His dad, then, took him into another room and said, "Son, your mother is a great person, but when we got married she wasn't that great in the bed, so I was always screwing around, and to make a long story short, Ann is your Half-sister." The son was completely sad, but in 8 months he came in screaming, "Mom, dad, I met this girl named Sarah, and she is so much better than Ann, and we're getting married!!"
His dad then took him into the room and told him that Sarah was also his Half-sister. The son was infuriated, and decided to tell his mother. She said to him "Oh, don't listen to him, he's not your real father."

"Hillary Goes to Heaven"

Hillary Clinton dies and goes to Heaven, where she meets St. Peter.
She notices that there are clocks everywhere. She asks St. Peter why are
there so many clocks here. St. Peter tells her that each clock
represents a person on earth and that every time a person tells a lie,
the clock ticks off one-second. St. Peter explains that the one clock
has never moved because it belonged to Mother Theresa, and she never
told a lie her whole life. The next clock belonged to Abraham Lincoln,
and since he only told two lies in his whole life, only two seconds had
clicked off. Hillary asks, "Where is Bill's clock?" St. Peter says,
"Bill's clock is upstairs in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling
fan."

"Sherlock goes Camping"

Sherlock Holmes and Watson were camping. In the middle of the night Watson wakes up hearing Sherlock calling his name. "What is it?" he asks. "Look up, tell me what you see." says Sherlock. "I see the stars" replies Watson. "What does this tell you, Watson?"
"Well, I guess it shows me just how big this universe is, and how small I am in comparison, but that I'll do all I can on my part for the whole.
From the position of the stars, the Leo is being hunted by Orion, which is an evil omen in some cultures
It tells me that tommorow should be a beautiful day. What does it mean to you, Holmes?"
Sherlock Holmes sits quiet a moment and says "Watson, you dickhead, it means someone stole our tent!"

"Triplets"

Once there was a woman, pregnat with triplets, that went to the bank. While she was there a gang of thieves came in and robbed the place, and in the process the woman got shot 3 times in the womb. She was rushed to the hospital, and the doctors came to her and said, "You were lucky. Each of the bullets passed through one of your children, and they will naturally be digested through their metabolism."
So she went ahead and had her babies. Two girls and a boy. When they were all twelve years old, the first daughter came and said "Mommy, mommy, I've done something horrible." And she proceeded to tell her mother about her passing the bullet. The mother knelt down and told her the whole story. The next day the other daughter came and the same thing happened. The next day the son came and said, "Mommy, mommy, I've dont something terrible."
"You passed out a bullet, right?"
he responded, "No, I was jacking off and I shot the dog"

"What does _ Mean?"
One day a kid was sitting at home waiting for his relatives to
come over. He overheard his parents fighting with each other yelling
YOU B___CH YOU B_STARD. Being so young, the kid had never
heard those words before and asked his parents what they meant.
They replied by saying ;B__ch means lady and b_stard means gentlmen.
Satisfied with this answer the boy went to his room. Then he heard
the neighbors having sex. They were repeating the words D_CK
and C_NT over and over and over. Again, the boy was curious
and asked his parents what those words meant. Thinking fast, his
mother said D_ck means coat and c_nt means jackets. Once again
the boy was satisfied with the answer and headed to the bathroom,
but his father was shaving and the boy had to wait. Fearing the
boy might wet himself, the father shaved faster. He went a little
to quick and ended up cutting himself, SH_T!!!!! he yelled.
What's sh_t mean daddy, the boy asked. The father, stuck for
an anawer said, "it means shaving cream. The boy did his business
and his dad went back to shaving. His next stop was the kitchen,
there he saw his mother preparing the turkey. As she reached for
a knife she ended up cutting herself. AW F_CK!!, she yelled.
" What's f_ck mean mommy, the boy asked. "It means stuffing the
turkey. Finally, the guest arrived, the boy went to the door
and said, Hello b__ches and b_stards, may I take your d_cks and
c_nts? Dad's in the bathroom putting sh_t on his face and Mom's
in the kitchen f_cking the turkey!

"Windows 95 Definition"

Windows 95 (win'doz nin'ti fiv) n.

32 bit extensions and a graphical shell for a
16 bit patch to an
8 bit operating system originally coded for a
4 bit microprocessor, written by a
2 bit company, that can't stand
1 bit of competition.
-submitted by Andrea (Thanks)

"A Strange Voice"
One day Harry comes home and hears a strange voice tell him, "Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Vegas." He ignores the voice and goes on with his life. The next day he hears it again, "Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Vegas" but hes still skeptical. For about a month he hears the voice and he finally decides to do as it says.
After quitting his job and getting the money on his house he takes a plane to Vegas. As he gets off the plane he hears the strange voice tell him "Go to Harrah's, go to the roulette table" He goes to Harrah's and finds the roulette table. "Put all your money on 17" says the voice. Harry does so, the courrier spins the wheel and it ends up on 21. The voice goes, "Damn!"

If you have any jokes, or any other funny material please submit them to me, and I will post it along with your name

Larry8@aol.com

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Page Updated Sat Jul 24, 1999 6:05pm EDT