Miscellaneous - http://maxpages.com/laralarame/jokes

the following jokes have been found on the internet

the blonde and the sheep
there was this one blonde who got tired of being teased and called stupid so she decided to dye her hair brown. so proud of herself, she decided to see if she could get any smarter. so she was driving along and she saw a shepard who had a flock of sheep. she pulled her car over and asked him "excuse me sir, if i can guess how many sheep you have, can i have one?" so then the shepard thought for a few seconds and then said "ok" then the blonde thought and said "34," and it just so happened that she was right. as she was about to leave, the shepard stopped her and said "if i can guess what color you hair really is, can i have my dog back?"

excuses
this couple decided to throw an ingagement party before they got married. so they planned the party and invited all of their rich friends so they could actually feel rich for some unknown reason. then, on the night of the party, they forgot to get the snails. by that time the store was closed and they couldn't get any. so the wife gave the guy a bucket and told him to hurry and run on the beach and collect snails so they could just cook it from there. he took the bucket and ran to the beach; which was fortunately only a block away. after about ten minutes of collecting snails, he began to tire and think of the party and how much his wife was having. then he saw this beautiful woman walking on the beach. before he knew it he was at her apartment and you know what happened. he awoke at 6:34 in the morning and just remembered about his party and his wife. he gathered his clothes and ran to his house. just as he was getting to the door of his house, the dropped the bucket and snails flew everywhere. then his wife heard the bucket and came to the door, with a very unpleasant look on her face. in panic, the guy knew he had to think quick, then the guy looked at his wife and then looked at the snails (who were moving in every direction), then said "come on little guys! we're almost there!"

lottery
A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife,"Martha, pack up your things. I just won the California lottery!"
Martha replies,"Shall I pack for warm weather or cold weather?" The man responds,"I don't care. Just as long as your out of the house by noon!"

what's the difference?
A man was driving down a local street one day and approached a stop sign. He barely slowed down and ran right through the stop sign after glancing for traffic. What the driver didn't know was that a policeman was watching theintersection. The policeman pulled out after him and stopped the car two blocks away. Policeman: "License, registration and proof of insurance please." Driver: "Before I give it to you, tell me what the heck you stopped me for, man." Policeman: "Watch your tone sir; you ran that stop sign back there!" Driver: "Man, I slowed down, what the heck is the difference?" The police officer pulled out his night stick and began whacking the man over the head and shoulders. Bang! Bang! whomp! Bang! Policeman: "Now.... do you want me to just slow down, or stop?

the true extent of the human brain
A dumb blonde calls the fire department and says, "Help me- my house is on fire!!" The fireman says, "Where do you live?" The dumb blonde replies, "I don't know" The fireman asks, "How do you expect us to get there?" The dumb blonde replies sarcastically, "Duhhhh, in the little red truck.

haha
A man with a 25-inch long penis goes to his doctor to complain that he is unable to get any women to have sex with him. They all tell him that his penis is too long. "Doctor," he asks in total frustration, "Is there any way you can shorten it?" The doctor replies, "Medically son, there is nothing I can do. But, I do know this witch who may be able to help you out." So the doctor gives him directions to the witch. The man calls upon the witch and relays his story. "Witch, my penis is 25-inches long and I can't get any women to have sex with me. Can you help me shorten it?" The witch stares in amazement, scratches her head, and then replies, "I think I have a solution to your problem. What you have to do is go to this pond deep in the forest. In the pond, you will see a frog sitting on a log who can help solve your dilemma. First you must ask the frog, will you marry me? Each time the frog declines your proposal, your penis will be five inches shorter." The man's face lights up and he dashes off into the forest. He calls out to the frog, "Will you marry me?" The frog looks at him dejectedly and replies, "NO!" The man looks down and suddenly his penis is 5 inches shorter."Wow," he screams out loud, "This is great!!" But he is still too long at 20 inches, so he asks the frog again." Frog, will you marry me?" the guy shouts. The frog rolls its eyes back in its head and screams back, "NO!" The man feels another twitch in his penis, looks down, and it's another 5 inches shorter. The man laughs, "This is fantastic." He looks down at his penis again, 15 inches long, and reflects for a moment. Fifteen inches is still a monster, just a little less would be ideal. Grinning, he looks across the pond and yells out, "Frog, will you marry me?" The frog looks back across pond shaking its head, "How many times do I have to tell you? NO, NO, and for the last time, NO!"

everybody knows bubba
Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about The Pope", his boss replies. "Sure!" says Bubba. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope along time." So off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him," What happened?" His boss looks up and says, I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?"

a snail never forgets
A snail goes to a bar and asks the bartender if he has anything for snails. the bartender says "no! unless you want salt!" he then kicked the snail as far as he'd ever kicked anything in his life. TWELVE YEARS LATER..... A snail comes to a bar and says to the bar tender "now what'd you do that for?!"

washington
A little boy wanted $100 very badly; his mother told him to pray to God for it. He prayed for two weeks but nothing turned up. Then he decided perhaps he should write God a letter requesting the $100. When the post office received the letter addressed to God, they opened it and decided to send it to the President. The President was so impressed, touched and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy $5. He thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5 and sat down to write a thank-you letter, which read as follows; Dear God, Thank you very much for sending me the money. I noticed that you had to send it through Washington. As usual, those thieving bastards deducted $95.

what do i look like?
One day David was walking out the door to go fish when his wife stopped him. She said,"The light switch doesn't work. You need to fix it." He then replied,"Do I look like an electrician?" She said,"No you don't." He said,"Then I'm going fishing." When he came back he flipped on the light switch and it worked so he asked his wife how did it get fixed? She said,"Well your good friend Trent came over and said he would fix it only if she baked a cake for him or had sex with him." He asked her witch one she picked. She then replied,"Do I look like Betty Crocker?"

parrots
There's this fellow with a parrot. And the parrot swears like a sailor. I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, polite, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the parrot by the throat,shakes him really hard, and yells, 'QUIT IT!'. This just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.Then the guy gets mad and says 'OK for you' and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches. When the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would make a veteran sailor blush.At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes and uses words Lenny Bruce and George Carlin NEVER thought about trying to use in their acts.Then suddenly, it gets VERY quiet.At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt or deeply chilled. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens the freezer door.The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says,'Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on.'The man is astonished. He can't understand the transformation that has taken place.Then the parrot says, 'By the way, what did the chicken do?'

voices, don't listen to them
An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying his situation, he says quietly to himself, "I'm screwed."There is a ray of light from the sky and a voice booms out: "No you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone in front of you and bash the head of the chief."So the explorer picks up the stone and proceedes to bash in the head of the chief. He is breathing heavily while standing above the lifeless body. Surrounding him are the 100 native warriors with a look of shock on their faces.The voice booms out again:"Okay.......NOW you're screwed!"

common sense
Two men leave a store. One man walks to his Corvette, the other walks out to his moped. The guy with the moped admires the Corvette and the owner lets him take a look at it. The he gets on his moped, the other guy gets into his 'Vette, and they both leave the parking lot. The guy in the Corvette decides to show off and race out of the parking lot. He stops at a stop light. Enjoying his music he looks out the window and sees the guy on the moped flying by at about 80 mph! He can't believe a moped can go that fast! So he races up to the guy on the moped and passes him again to show how fast he can go. At the next stop light, the guy on the moped speeds by once more. Finally the Corvette and moped stop at the same stop light. "How the hell did you go past me so fast like that!?" the guy in the Corvette asks.The guy on the moped, all flushed and pale, looks at the man and says, "MY SUSPENDERS ARE CAUGHT IN YOUR CAR DOOR!!!!"

rabbits and bears
A frog leaps out of the magical forest where he has lived all his life and into a real forest. Since he lived in the magical forest he has magical powers. He sees a bear chasing a rabbit and thinks to himself, this isn't right, everyone should live in peace. So he stops the bear and rabbit and tells them that if they stop chasing each other he'll give them both three wishes. The bear thinks for a second and wishes that all the rest of the bears in the forest were female. Poof, all of them are female. Next the rabbit wishes for a crash helmet. The bear looks at the rabbit wondering why he would want a crash helmet. The bear thinks for a second making sure he makes a good second wish and wishes that all the rest of the bears in the country were female. Again -- poof -- all the rest became female. Then the rabbit wishes for a motorcycle. Now the bear steps back and looks at the rabbit in amazment. How dumb is this rabbit he thinks to himself. All he had to do was wish for money and he could buy all the motorcycles he ever wanted. This has to be the dumbest creature the bear has ever seen, he thinks to himself. It is time for the bear's final wish and he takes a second to think and makes sure he doesn't waste it. After a minute he wishes that all the other bears in the whole world were female. And again poof they are all female. Next the rabbit puts on his helmet and jumps on the bike. He turns around and smiles. Then he says, "I wish that bear is gay."

think about it
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replies, "I see millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."

tom green all over again
A man was digging in his garden, when his shovel
hit a hard object buried in the earth, which
revealed itself to be an old bottle sealed with
a cork. The man wrenched the cork free and, to
his astonishment, there was a
cloud of smoke and a clap of thunder. Standing
before him was a genie. 'As a reward for freeing
me, I shall grant you three wishes,' said the
genie, 'But understand, whatever you wish for,
your most hated enemy shall receive twice over.'
The man's most hated enemy happened to be his
next door neighbour, Jones.
'Let's see. My first wish is...' He looked at
his weather beaten bungalow, '...to live in a
ten story luxury mansion.' The genie clapped his
hands and suddenly his minute shack transformed
into the most beautiful house he had ever laid
eyes on. He heard a cry of astonishment from
next door and looked over to see Jones standing
in the doorway of his new twenty story mansion.
'Now I want fifty of the most beautiful women
imaginable.' said the man. There was a puff of
smoke and his wish was granted. He was annoyed,
however, to see Jones grinning and waving,
surrounded by his own harem of 100 women, all
twice as attractive.
'What is your final wish, Master?' asked the
genie'
'I want to lose a testicle.' said the man.

skin canoes
Three men are found in the wilderness by civilized
cannibals. The men are led to a gravesite next to
the water. The chief says, 'We will kill you as a
coward, or we will let you die honarable deaths
for your homelands. You choose the weapon.
Either way, your skins will be used to make our
canoes.'
The first man, a soldier at heart, asks for a
handgun. With this, he recites the Pledge and
shoots himself. He is carried off. The next man
asks for a sword. A warrior at heart, he uses a
Japanese katana to commit seppuku as a Japanese
man. The last man asks for a fork. 'A fork?
asks the chief?'
But it's his dying wish, so they hand him the
fork. He stabs himself repeatedly in the chest,
and yells, 'I HOPE YOUR CANOE SINKS!!'

Turtles
There were three turtles named Joe, Bob, and Bill.
They wanted to go on a picnic, but their problem was
the site was 10 miles away. 10 days later they arrive
at the site and Joe grabs a soda bottle says to Bob,
"Hand me the bottle opener." Bob says to Bill, "Bill, did
you bring the bottle opener?" Bill says "I thought you
brought it." So Joe and Bob convince Bill to go back to
get the bottle opener, swearing they won't touch any of
the food. Twenty days pass and Joe and Bob don't see
Bill. Three days later, Joe gets hungry and reaches for
a sandwich but Bob stops him and convinces him to
wait for five more days. The five days pass and they
both starving and reach for a sandwich. Then Bill pops
out from behind a rock and says "I knew it! I'm not going!"

what's the point in having a guest book?

i live across from just got your ass kicked blvd.

suuuuuure, to email me why don't ya?

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Page Updated Sun Aug 5, 2001 3:56pm EDT