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| Titanic In 5 Minutes |
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| The Condensed Version... |
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| (Scene 1) KATE WINSLET: Why, this is a fancy boat, isn’t it? KATE’S SLIMY, WEASLY FIANCE: Yes, it certainly is. Here is the art you asked for. It is by an artist named “Picasso.” I am certain he will amount to nothing! KATE: Ha ha ha! That’s very funny to our ‘90’s audience, because of course, Picasso amounted to quite a bit after this boat sank. That is why it is put here. Ha ha ha! LEONARDO DICAPRIO: Hello, i’m Leonardo DiCaprio. Perhaps you have seen the many internet sites dedicated to the worship of me. I am an artist with a vivid imagination. At least, when I try to sell my art, people say that if I think this junk is art, i have a vivid imagination. You are very pretty. KATE: Thank you. So are you. LEO: I know. Prettier even than you, in fact. I am gonna put on my “brooding” face now, to ensure that girls and women of all ages will keep coming back again and again to see this movie. Later, my white shirt will be soaking wet. KATE: I can’t wait for that. While you are “brooding” I will concentrate on standing here and looking pretty, to keep the men in the audience interested until the boat sinks and people start dying. I also hope I don’t poke my eye out with this big hat or one of my ribbons. MAN STANDING NEXT TO KATE: Ouch, my eye! SLIMY FIANCE: Excuse me, I do not like you Leonardo. Even though you stopped my fiance from committing suicide! I am going to sneer at you and treat you like dirt because you’re poor. And then I’ll probably be physically abusive to my fiance, and then, just to make sure the audience really hates me, and to make sure my character is entirely one-dimensional, perhaps I’ll throw an elderly person into the water. You see, I don’t really like Kate, she has a burning desire to experience and explore all that life has to offer, which is everything I hate in a woman, on the other hand, she’s got great legs and a great chest, that’s everything I LOVE in a woman! AUDIENCE: Boo! We hate you! Even though all real people have at least a few admirable qualities, we have not been shown any of yours, and plus, you’re trying to come between Leonardo and Kate, and so therefore we hate you! Booooo! (Even though technically it is Leo who is coming between you and Kate. But Leonardo is handsomer you, a feat hard to accomplish, and even though he is only 13, we are on his side!) Booooo! *** (Scene 2) CAPTAIN: I’m worried about the ship’s construction. When they christened it, the champagne bottle didn’t break, but the first two feet of the bow shattered! Luckily, it’s a very long ship, so no one will miss those couple of feet. I’ve equipped the Titanic with many modern scientific navigation instruments, including a wonderful square globe of the world. ISHMAY: I’m going to push this boat I owned for extra speed. Not to get to the dock faster and get headlines, but to get through this lame love story that’s gonna unfold aboard this ship as fast as possible. ANDREWS: I am the designer of this ship and I’ve build everything on a giant scale, except the rudder, which is so tiny it makes the ship hard to steer! But I’m not dumb! I put it underwater where no one can see it! I concentrated on important things-the BIG things people can see! Like giant shuffleboard courts! I had to get rid of hundreds of lifeboats to do it, but that’s the price you pay for world class shuffleboard! (Scene 3) LEONARDO: I’m glad we snuck away like this so that you could cheat on your fiance. KATE: So am I. Even though I am engaged to him and have made a commitment to marry him, that is no reason why you and I cannot climb into the backseat of a car and steam up the windows together. The fact that I am the heroine of the movie will no doubt help the cattle-like audience forgive me of this, though they would probably be VERY angry indeed if my fiance were to do the same thing to me. AUDIENCE: Darn straight we would! MOO!-we mean BOO! LEONARDO: I agree. First I would like to draw you, so of course you will have to take off all your clothes. KATE: But can a movie with five minutes of continuous nudity (alternated with your ‘concentrating’ face) be at all successful in, say, Provo, Utah, where the audiences might not stand for that sort of thing? LEO: If they don’t like it they can always cut that 10 minutes out! Like Singapore will. And I am willing to bet that for the first three weeks after the film is released, every single showing will be sold out at Wynnsong Theater in Provo! NARRATOR: According to Wynnsong manager Matt Palmer, that is exactly what happened. KATE: All right, then. (sound of clothes hitting the floor. Big clunk as her bodice falls. Swoosh as her hidden fat drops out) LEO: Uh...I’ll just leave that part out of my drawing. *** (Scene 4) LEO: I have been informed we are about to hit an iceberg. CAPTAIN: That is good. I could use some ice for my drink. (sound of drinking) ICEBERG: Hits boat FIRST MATE: That can’t be good. CAPTAIN: Bottoms up! AUDIENCE: silence CAPTAIN: That was irony you fools! AUDIENCE: Baa! Mooooo! Where’s Leo!!!???!!!?? *** (Scene 5) LEO: I have been informed that this boat in sinking. KATE: That is terrible. LEONARDO: Would you like to engage in somemore immoral-but-justified behavior? KATE: Certainly SLIMY FIANCE: Excuse me, I- AUDIENCE: Boo! Boo! SLIMY FIANCE: (to himself) I’m getting the raw end of the deal here. (to Leo) Listen, Leonardo, to cement my morally-dubious-yet-somehow-less-annoying-than-you personality, I am going to handcuff you to this pipe, here in a room that will soon be filling with water, due to the fact that we are sinking, which I believe has been mentioned previously. LEONARDO: Why don’t you just shoot me? SLIMY FIANCE: Because then you wouldn’t be able to escape and save Kate from me. Of course, you’re going to die anyway- AUDIENCE: Don’t spoil it for us! LEO: He’s right, though, I am doomed! AUDIENCE: Aww, look how cute he is when he’s doomed! SLIMY FIANCE: I hate you people. *** (Scene 6) 150-YEAR OLD KATE: And that’s when Leonardo rescued me from my evil fiance and helped me float on a board in the water. Of course, if it hadn’t been for having to rescue HIM, I could have gotten on an actual lifeboat, and not frozen my legs nearly off. Anyway, he’s pretty much dead now, and I’m well over a thousand years old, and who’s making my supper? I need a bathe! Turn down that Enya music, it’s making my ear hurt. You kids today, with your loud music. Why, when I was --hey! Don’t you walk away from me, Mr. Snooty Patootie! I’d turn you over my knee, if I had one. I’ll beat you over the head with this huge diamond! Come back here! (fade to black, roll credits, play annoying Celine Dion song) |
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