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| Krayzie Ways To Order Pizza |
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| I Dare You To Try Some... |
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| 1.Use CB lingo where applicable. 2.Answer their questions with questions. 3.Ask, "If I don't eat it all, can I return the unused portion for credit?" 4.Ask if the drivers really carry less than $20 in change. When they confirm this, act disappointed and say, "Ok, well could you send two drivers?" 5.Tell them you would like to see a copy of their restaurant inspection report. 6.Say in a retarded voice, "I had pizza today, it had jello on it." 7.Ask them what toppings are best for someone who's constipated. 8.Stop them in mid-sentence and tell them you'll call back after they've learned a little respect. 9.When they ask where to deliver it, give them their address. Insist it's your address. 10.As they start to repeat the order, say, "Oh wait just a second. I suppose I should get this on tape." 11.Use these bonus words in the conversation: ROBUST FREE-SPIRITED COST-EFFICIENT UKRAINIAN PUCE. 12.Tell them to put the crust on top this time. 13.Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica's "Master of Puppets" CD. 14.Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out. 15.Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you. 16.Make a list of exotic cuisine. Order them as toppings. 17.Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper. 18.Rent a pizza. 19.Order while using an electric knife sharpener. 20.Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief. 21.Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead. 22.Imitate the order taker's voice. 23.Eliminate verbs from your speech. 24.Play sitar in the background. 25.Ask to see a menu. 26.Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza. 27.Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza. 28.Use expletives like "Great Caesar's Ghost" and "Jesus Joseph and Mary in Tinsel Town." 29.If the order taker suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be swayed by your sweet words." 30.Start the conversation with "My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1. And. . . . action!" 31.When they repeat your order, say "Again, with a little more OOMPH this time!" 32.Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." 33.When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza. 34.Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to play it. 35.If they answer the phone with their name, immediately use an obviously fake voice. Somewhere during the call, laugh and revert to your real voice. Say, "Geez, (Mike) you really don't know who this is do you? I'm only in town for a few hours, but wanted to say, "hi." See if you can get away for a few minutes, I'll be by right away." Hang up. 36.When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say, "You just don't get it, do you?" 37.When you're given the price, say "Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math." 38.Order a one-inch pizza. 39.Order with a Speak-n-Spell where applicable. 40.Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say "No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to respond. 41.Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If the order taker says it, say "Please don't mention that word." 42.Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell "OW!" when a bullet is fired. 43.Order a steamed pizza. 44.Offer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging. 45.If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that. 46.Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it. 47.Order a Big Mac Value Meal. 48.Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation." 49.Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder. 50.Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread." 51.Stutter on the letter "p." 52.Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you would like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented. 53.Change your accent every three seconds. 54.Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the long "i" sound. 55.Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred." 56.Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. 57.When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream good-bye at the top of your lungs. 58.When they say "What would you like? say, "Huh? Oh, you mean now." 59.Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music. 60.Ask what the order taker is wearing. 61.Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay. 62.Order a slice, not a whole pizza. Argue about it. 63.Shout "I'm through with men/women! Send me a dozen of your best, Gaston!" 64.Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say "Where was I? Who are you?" 65.Psychoanalyze the order taker. 66.Say you're calling from the regional office. Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor he's fired. 67.Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk. 68.Ask for the guy who took your order last time. 69.Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs. 70.Try to talk while drinking something the whole call. 71.Ask about pizza maintenance and repair. You know, like is there a warranty or can you purchase a service contract? 72.Say "Kssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt that. 73.Detect the order taker's psychic aura. 74.Perfect a celebrity's voice. Stress that you won't take any crap from some two-bit-can't-hack-it pimple-faced gofer. 75.Put them on hold. 76.Teach the order taker a secret code. Use code on all subsequent orders. 77.Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat." When asked to repeat that,say "I said 'sauce smothered with meat'." 78.Get taker's name. Later, call exactly on the hour to say, "This is your (time of day) wake-up call, So-and-so." Hang up. 79.Hesitatingly ask them how you can be sure they'll really deliver it? 80.Tell them to send a driver who can keep his mouth shut about anything he sees or hears. 81.Start the call by playing a tape recording that says, "If you are a first time user of Microsoft Pizza Order Quick Pro, press one. To begin taking the order, press two. At any time you may return to this menu by pressing star." 82.At random intervals throughout the order, take the phone away from your mouth and say, "Ohh, yeah, baby, like that," "softer," "harder!," "higher," "down a little bit, yeah, yeah!" 83.After the order taker tells you the price at the end of the call, pause several seconds, inhale deeply and ask "Do you know how much I admire the works Milan Kundera?" 84.Tell them the elevator's broke so make sure to have the pizza in a heat retaining bag, cause you're apartmant's on the 88th floor. 85.If they ask for your telephone number say "Well you seem nice and all, but I'm kinda going out with someone now. 86.If any of the above practices are rejected by the order taker, say inyour best pouty voice, "Last guy let me do it." |
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