Home
Placenames
Jokes
Theme Parks
Theme Park Stats
Dictionary Definitions
Number Puzzles
Number Puzzles Answers
Horoscopes
Ruder and longer jokes
Games
Death
South Park
|
| Study Life and Have Fun!!! |
 |
| More jokes and things about life! LEARN!! |
HOW THE FANNY WAS MADE:
Seven wise men made up their minds
To make a Fanny of their own design.
The first was a Carpenter, full of wit,
With mallet and chisel he made a slit:
The second was a Blacksmith, blacker than coal,
With anvil and sledgehammer he made a hole:
The third was a Tailor, long and thin,
With a piece of red ribbon he lined it within:
The fourth was a Furrier, big and stout,
With the fur of a deer he lined it without:
The fifth was a Fisherman, old and bent,
With a rotten old herring he gave it a scent:
The sixth was a Preacher, with a BA degree,
He blessed it and patted it, and said it could pee:
The seventh was a Rabbi, a mean little runt,
He fucked it and blessed it and called it a cunt.
WHO'S LEFT:
In view of the current financial crisis, the following figures may be of interest:-
Population of the country. 54,000,000
People aged 65 or over. 14,000,000
Balance left to do the work. 40,000,000
People aged 18 and under. 18,000,000
Balance left to do the work. 22,000,000
People working for the Government. 9,000,000
Balance left to do the work. 13,000,000
People in the Armed Forces. 2,300,000
Balance left to do the work. 10,700,000
Local Council and Government Officials. 9,800,000
Balance left to do the work. 900,000
People who won't work. 888,000
Balance left to do the work. 12,000
People in prison. 11,998
Balance left to do the work. 2
You and I, therefore, must work harder, especially you, as I am fed up with running the place on my own.
POOR THING:
Once upon a time there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to fly away for the winter. However, soon the Winter turned so cold that he reluctantly started to fly South.
In a short time ice began to form on his wings, and he fell to the earth in a farmyard, almost frozen. A cow passed by and crapped on the little sparrow. The sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings and he was warm and happy, able to breathe and started to sing.
Just then a large cat came by and hearing the chirping investigated the sounds. The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird and promptly ate it.
What three logical conclusions does one arrive at?
1) Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy.
2) Everyone who gets you out of the shit is not necessarily your friend.
3) If you are warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your mouth shut!
CHARACTER ANALYSIS:
Study the following carefully and see which applies to you:
1) Excitable type: Pants twisted, can't find the hole, tears pants in temper.
2) Sociable type: Joins friends to piss whether he wants to or not, says it costs him nothing.
3) Timid type: Can't piss if anyone watches, pretends to, then sneaks back later.
4) Noisy type: Whistles loudly, peeps over partition to look at other blokes tool.
5) Indifferent type: Urinal being full, pisses in sink.
6) Clever type: Pisses without holding tool, shows off by adjusting tie at the same time.
7) Frivolous type: Lays stream up and down, tries to piss on flies as they pass to and fro.
8) Absent-minded type: Opens waistcoat, takes out tie and pisses himself.
9) Worried type: Makes a furtive inspection of tool without pissing.
10) Disgruntled type: Stands for a while grunts, farts and walks away muttering.
11) Personality type: Tells jokes whilst pissing, shakes drops off with flourish.
12) Sneaky type: Drops silent fart whilst pissing, sniffs and looks accusingly at bloke in next stall.
13) Sloppy type: Pisses down trousers into shoe, walks out with fly-hole open then adjusts balls in the street.
14) Learned type: Reads book or magazine whilst pissing.
15) Childish type: Looks down at bottom of urinal whilst pissing to watch bubbles.
16) Vain type: Unfastens five buttons when one would do.
17) Strong type: Bangs tool on side of urinal to knock drops off.
18) Unlucky type: Tries to fart, shits himself and then can't piss.
THE USE OF PIPES:
The following is reputed to have been sent to the Institute of Diagnostic Engineers by a member in R.E.M.E.:
1) All pipe is to be made of a long hole surrounded by metal or plastic centred around the hole.
2) All pipe is to be hollow throughout the entire length - do not use holes of different length from the pipe.
3) The ID (Inside Diameter) of all pipe must not exceed the OD (Outside Diameter) - otherwise the hole will be on the outside.
4) All pipe is to be supplied with nothing in the hole so that water, steam, or other stuff can be put inside at a later date.
5) Unless otherwise specified, pipe will be supplied without rust; this can be more readily applied at the job site.
NOTE: Some vendors are now able to supply pre-rusted pipes. Subject to the job specification this may be used if available in your area. It will save a great deal of time at the job site.
6) All pipe over 500ft (150m) in length should have the words "LONG PIPE" clearly painted on each side and end, so the contractor will know that it's a long pipe.
7) Pipe over 2 miles (3.2 km) in length must also have the words "LONG PIPE" painted in the middle, so the contractor will not have to walk the entire length of the pipe to determine whether it is a long or short pipe.
8) All pipe over 6ft (1.83m) in diameter must have the words "LARGE PIPE" painted on it so that the contractor will not mistake it for a small pipe.
9) Flanges must be used on all pipe. Flanges must have holes for bolts, quite separate from the big hole in the middle.
10) When ordering 90 degree or 30 degree elbows be sure to specify left-hand or right-hand, otherwise you will end up going the wrong way.
11) Be sure to specify to your vendor whether you want level, uphill or downhill pipe. If you use downhill pipes for going uphill the water will flow the wrong way.
12) All couplings should have either right-hand or left-hand threads, but do not mix the threads - otherwise, as the coupling is being screwed on one pipe it is being unscrewed from the other.
13) All pipes shorter than 1/8 in (3mm) are very uneconomical in use, requiring many joints; they are generally known as washers.
14) Joints in pipes for water must be water-tight. Those in pipes for compressed air, however, need only be air-tight.
15) Lengths of pipes may be welded together or soldered together. This method is not recommended for concrete or earthenware pipes.
16) Other commodities are often confused with pipes. These include: conduit, tube, tunnel and drain. Use only genuine pipes.
17) Scottish regiments in the Army may use Army pipes in unusual ways. These are not approved of in engineering circles.
Politics: It is a good thing to follow the First Law of Holes; if you are in one, stop digging!
GERMAN WORDS FOR CAR PARTS:
Indicators__________________ Die Blinkenleiten Tickentocken
Bonnet____________________Pullnob un Knucklechoppen
Exhaust___________________Spitzenpoppenbangentuben
Speedometer______________Der Egobooster un Linenshooter
Clutch_____________________Die Kuplink mit schlippen und scheken
Puncture___________________Die Phlatt mit Bludyfucken
Learner____________________Die Twatten mit Elplatz
Estate car___________________Der Bagzerroomfurschagginkinauto
Parking meter________________Der Tennerpinscher und Klockenwerr
Windscreen wiper____________Der Flippenflappenmuckenschpredder
Power brakes________________Der Edbangeronvindschreen Stoppenquick
Gear lever___________________Biggensticken fur Kangaroochoppen
Breathalyser_________________Die Puffitintem fur Pistenarsen
Rear view mirror______________Der Ya Khunter Toocklosen
Seat belt____________________Der Klunkenkiliken Frauleintrapper
Headlights__________________Das Dippendontdazzeiubastad
Exhaust fumes_______________Der Koffenundschpittpoluter
Highway code_______________Der Wipen Fur Arsen
Fog warning_________________Die Puttenlegdownen En Fukkitt
Traffic jam___________________Die Bluddifukkink Dammundblast
Rear seat___________________Der Schpringentester
Tyres_______________________Flattfahrts
Backfire_____________________Der Loudenbangenmekkenjumpen
Juggernaut__________________Der Fukkengrett Trukken
Accident____________________Der Bledinmess
Near accident_______________Der Phewen Near Schittenselfen
Garage____________________Der Haiway Robberung
Cyclist_____________________Der Pedallpushink Pillakken
Skid_______________________Der Bananan Waltzen
Double white lines___________Overtaken und Krunchen
FUCK:
Describes many emotions, no other word can be used in such varied grammatical nuances. It can be used as a noun, (I don't give a fuck); as an adjective, (It's a fucking beauty); as a verb in its transitive form, (The game was fucked up by the weather); and the intransitive form, (He was well and truly fucked up). Everyday expressions show its true versatility:-
Denial - - - - - - - "I'll be fucked if I did"
Perplexity - - - - "I know fuck all about it"
Apathy - - - - - - - "Who gives a fuck anyway"
Greeting - - - - - "How the fuck are you"
Goodbye - - - - "Fuck off"
Resignation - - "Oh fuck it"
Derision - - - - - "He fucks everything up"
The word has, of course, been used by some very famous personages through the years, the more notable of them being:-
"What the fuck was that?" Mayor of Hiroshima
"Look at all those fucking indians!" General Custer
"Where's all that fucking water coming from?" Captain of the Titanic
"What a place to plant a fucking tree!" Marc Bolan
"That's not a real fucking gun!" John Lennon
"The fucking throttle's stuck!" Donald Campbell
"Who's going to fucking know?" President Nixon
"I am outside the fucking exclusion zone!" Captain of General Belgrano
"Heads are going to fucking roll!" Anne Boleyn
"Who let that fucking woman drive?" Space shuttle captain
"Watch him, he'll have some fuckers eyes out!" King Harold
"I thought I could smell fucking petrol!" Nikki Lauda
"What fucking map?" Mark Thatcher
"It is my best fucking coat!" Michael Foot
"She's just a fucking secretary!" Cecil Parkinson
"He's just a fucking mate!" Jeremy Thorpe
"Any fucker can understand that!" Albert Einstein
"Of course it fucking looks like her!" Pablo Picasso
SEX CAN BE HELL:
A girl brings a guy home one night. They get into her apartment and immediately she
suggests that they do "69". "What the hell is that?" asks the guy. Realizing he's
inexperienced, she tries to explain,"I put my head between your legs and you put your
head between mine." Still not knowing what she's talking about, but not wanting to ruin
the moment he agrees to try it. The second they get in to the position, she lets go a
RIP-ROARING fart. "What was that for?" he asks. "Oooopppps! Sorry, lets try it
again." she says. So, they get into position again, and once more she lets one loose.
The guy gets up and starts to put his coat on. "Wait, where are you going?" she asks.
The guy says, " If you think I'm sticking around for 67 more of those, you're crazy !!!!!
SWEDISH ROMANCE:
Finga Johansen contemplated what a beautiful evening it had been. She loved the wine,
the excitement, the atmosphere of the place; but most of all she loved Lars Helstrom,
that handsome hunk of hardness. She thought about her jealous friends, how they
envied her lovely Lars; maybe one day they might be lucky. He had returned, there was
a slow burning smile etched upon his finely featured face.
Outside he athletically slid into her Volvo, as she pressed the starter button. The
engine throbbed readily. It was not long before they reached his immaculate bachelor
penthouse flat. It was not long before they were sipping chilled champagne. It was not
long before they were swaying to the insistent rhythms of the music. It was not long,
but she didn't mind.
How she would long and pine for moments like these, long and pine - just like a fir
tree. The moment was here. Lars stared into her clear welcoming eyes. He got out his
geyornansplat and proudly placed it on the table. Finga ran her finger the length and
width of the geyornansplat, it was wonderful. Her mungenflop caught his eye, he
clutched one to his splitzloben, it was good.
They couldn't stop now. His finger caressed Finga's vangelstrop, steady, determined
movements of his pumpgofelt made her catch her breath in tiny pert inhalations. Finga
took the initiative and slowly mounted an assault on his stromjensonson, her
voomtrombles made him gulp and gasp, again and again. He shrieked as she brought
him to a magnificently engineered bunganalafson boliksonberg.
It had been marvellous, but now it was over. It had been a great game of chess, but
now it was finished. So they went into the bedroom and had a bloody good bunk up.
BANK MANAGER:
Things you should NEVER say to your bank manager:
"Why are you such an ugly bastard?"
"I thought only teenagers had acne."
"Stick a finger up your arse and fish for your money."
"I've had your wife and she's rubbish."
"Why are your ears stuck on back to front?"
"How do you spell pus-filled little toad?"
"May I urinate in your pocket?"
"I love you. I want to marry you and live in a semi in Sidcup for the rest of my days with two kids, a dog and a four-berth caravanette."
"I hear your son steals cars."
"I met your daughter at the clinic."
"Don't they make that suit in your size?"
"Are you still a virgin?"
"When did you last see your willy, you fat git?" |
|