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| Jokes!!! |
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| Here are some jokes! THIS PAGE REALLY NEEDS HELP TO CONTINUE!! Please, please, please e-mail me with more jokes!! |
Here are some funny jokes. Some of them may be offensive, but it is only a bit of fun, so don't take it to heart!!
I am writing this at the time of the fuel crisis in 2000.
If there is anymore good jokes you would like me to put on here with your name, age, and e-mail address, just e-mail me at hatton02@yahoo.co.uk
Here we go:
What's the difference between paraffin and petrol?
There's no f in petrol!
An Atom said to another atom, "I've lost an electron!"
The other atom replied "Are you sure?"
So the first atom replied "Yes, I'm positive!!"
The following quotes were taken from actual medical records
as dictated by physicians.
*By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had
stopped, and he was feeling better.
*Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side
for over a year.
*On the second day the knee was better and on the third
day it had completely disappeared.
*The patient has been depressed ever since she began
seeing me in 1983.
*The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She
also appears to be depressed.
*Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
*Healthy-appearing decrepit sixty-nine-year-old male,
mentally alert but forgetful.
*The patient refused an autopsy.
*The patient has no past history of suicides.
*The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.
*Patient has left his white blood cells at another
hospital.
*The patient's past medical history has been remarkably
insignificant, with only a forty-pound weight gain in the
past three days.
*She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in
separate directions in early December.
*Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this
lady pregnant.
*The patient was in his usual state of good health
until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.
*She is numb from her toes down.
*The skin was moist and dry.
*Patient was alert and unresponsive.
*When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
Ok, here is just a quick wit:
Children were called upon a classroom to make sentences
with words chosen by the teacher. The teacher smiled when
Jack, a slow learner, raised his hand to participate during
the challenge of making a sentence with the words "Defeat,"
"Defense," "Deduct," and "Detail."
Jack stood thinking for a while, all eyes focused on
him while his classmates awaited his reply. Smiling, he then
proudly shouted out, "Defeat of deduct went over defense
before detail."
(say it quickly!!)
32 Politically Correct Ways to Say Someone Is Stupid
*A few clowns short of a circus
*A few fries short of a Happy Meal
*An experiment in Artificial Stupidity
*A few beers short of six-pack
*A few peas short of a casserole
*Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box
*The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead
*One Fruit Loop shy of full bowl
*One taco short of a combination plate
*A few feathers short of a whole duck
*All foam, no beer
*Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel
*Has an I.Q. of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt
*Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they
appear
*Couldn't pour water out of a boot with
instructions on the heel
*Too much yardage between the goalposts
*An intellect rivaled only by garden tools
*As smart as bait
*Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash
*Doesn't know much, but leads the league in
nostril hair
*Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor
*Forgot to pay his brain bill
*Her antenna doesn't pick up all the channels
*His belt doesn't go through all the loops
*If he had another brain, it would be lonely
*No grain in the silo
*Proof that evolution can go in reverse
*Receiver is off the hook
*Several nuts short of a full pouch
*He fell out of the stupid tree and hit
every branch on the way down.
* He's a brick short of a full load.
* A sandwich short of a picnic.
* A year short of a Millennium.
THE FOLLOWING JOKE IS COURTESY OF JAMES GORSKI 12/M/RUGBY
How many women does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, cos they can cook in the dark!
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side....
Why did Steven Wood cross the road?
Cos he couldn't get his knob out the back of the chicken!!
What goes from green to red at the flick of a switch?
A frog in a liquidizer!
What's got 2 legs and red?
Half a dog!
Why was the blind teacher no good?
She couldn't control her pupils!
What type of bird is always out of breath?
A puffin.
What do you call a man with a rabbit up his arse?
Warren.
What's black, red, white and can't turn corners?
A nun with a spear in her head!
What's black, red and white?
A sunburnt penguin.
Why have the arabs got oil whilst the irish have potatoes?
The irish had 1st choice!
What did the seal wear to the ball?
Glass flippers!
What do you get when you cross a penguin with a vampire?
Frostbite!!!
What do you get when you cross a kangaroo with a sheep?
A woolly jumper!!!
What do you call an abortion in Prague?
A cancelled cheque!
Why have elephants got wrinkled soles?
To give ants a fifty-fifty chance!
The University of California recently spent $20 million on research trying to find out the purpose of the knob on the end of a penis (no ladies, the other end) and they finally concluded that it was for the man's pleasure.
Oxford spent £12 million on the same project, but concluded that the purpose was to pleasure the woman.
Imperial spent 20 quid on some videos and a couple of mags and decided that it was to stop your hand slipping off.
Why do Polar Bears wear fur coats?
They'd look bloody stupid in plastic macs.
What's invisible and smells of carrots?
Bunny farts!
What goes peck, peck, peck, bang, peck, peck, peck, bang?
Two chickens in a minefield!!!!
Why is semen white and urine yellow?
So an Irishman can tell whether he's coming or going!!!
A woman goes into a sex shop and asks what they have in the way of blow up dolls.
Assistant: "We have three models, the Gary Lineker, Ian Botham and Father Christmas."
Woman: "What's the difference?"
Assistant: "Well. Gary Lineker is a good score, Ian Botham is a slow starter but once he's in you can't get him out."
Woman: "And what about Father Christmas?"
Assistant: "Well he only comes once a year but when he does it's enough to fill your stockings."
Why does the River Mersey run through Liverpool?
Because if it walked it would get mugged!
If TYPHOO put the 'T' in Britain..... who put the 'arse' in MARSEILLES?
Buggery is boring.
Incest is relatively boring.
Necrophilia is dead boring.
Why are men like toilets?
They're either engaged, vacant or full of crap!!
Why is a clitoris like Antartica?
Most men know it's there, but very few give a damn!!
What do girls like to get their hands on that is five inches long with a vein down its side?
A five pound note!
What's the difference between life and a willy?
Life is always hard!
Why is being a prick not all its cracked up to be?
Because you have a head with no brains, there's a couple of nuts who keeps following you around, your next door neighbour is an arsehole and your best friend is a cunt!
What does a guy with a 12 inch cock have for breakfast?
I usually have bacon & eggs!
What is the ultimate rejection?
When you are masturbating and your hand falls asleep!!
How do you tell how many indians are living in a block of flats?
Count the windows and multiply by 18.
Why don't they have ice cubes in Ireland?
Because they lost the recipe!!
What's the difference between a Skoda and a sheep?
It's more embarrasing being seen getting out of the rear of a Skoda!
"If there are any idiots in the room, stand up," said the lecturer.
After a long pause, one first year rose to his feet.
"Now, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" the lecturer asked.
"Well, I don't," was the reply. "I just don't like to see you stood up on your own."
Jesus was a typical man- They always say they'll come back and you never see them again!
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall,
All the king's horses and all the king's men,
Had egg butties for tea.
We lay upon the grassy bank,
My hands were all a quiver,
I slowly undid her suspender belt,
And her leg fell in the river.
Keep Britain tidy - kill a tourist!
While Shepherds washed their socks by night,
All seated on a bank,
The angel who was bored came down,
And taught them how to wank!
Oral sex is a matter of taste!
Husband: I don't know why you wear a bra. You've nothing to put in it!
Wife: You wear pants don't you?
What's grosser than gross?
When you kiss your grandmother and she slips you the tongue.
What's the difference between a woman kneeling in prayer and a woman kneeling in a bathtub?
The woman kneeling in prayer has hope on her soul.
What do you call an adolescent rabbit?
A pubic hare.
What's the last thing that goes through a cat's mind as its hit by a truck at 100km?
His asshole.
What do gorillas and bulldozers have in common?
They both fuck-up trees.
Why can't gypsies have babies?
Because their husbands have crystal balls.
What's worse than being raped by Jack the Ripper?
Being fingered by Captain Hook!
What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm?
You'd better hang onto your nuts this is no ordinary blow job!!
What's black, pink and hairy and sits on a wall?
Humpty cunt.
Why do blacks always have sex on their minds?
Because they have pubic hair on their heads!
What do the rubic cube and a penis have in common?
The longer you play with it, the harder it gets!
When should you use headlights?
To warn your mates of a speedtrap!
When do you overtake on the left?
When the bastard in front won't move over!!
When must you stop?
To have a piss, leg over or a tot of brandy!
What documents do you take on the road?
Daily Mirror, Sun, Playboy and Forum.
What is the correct procedure for overtaking on the motorway?
Foot down hard, eyes shut and smile!
What do you do in the event of a breakdown on the motorway?
Leave the fucking thing and hitch a lift home.
What does a yellow box junction mean?
They have run out of white paint.
Scientists have determined that the average time of intercourse is 4 minutes. The average number of strokes per minute is 19, making the average intercourse 76 strokes. Since the average length is 6 inches, the average girl receives 456 inches or 38 feet per intercourse. The average girl does it about 3 times a week, 52 weeks annual: 156 x 38 = 5,928 feet or just over a mile.
So, girls, if you're not getting a mile every year, why not let the man who told you this help you catch up! |
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