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| CLICK HERE An American, a New Zealander and an Australian are sentenced to death. The American is brought out first . The firing squad takes aim. Suddenly the American yells: "Avalanche! " In the confusion he escapes. The New Zealander is impressed and decides to try something similar. As the squad takes aim he yells: "flood!" And in the confusion he too makes his escape. The Australian has observed this closely. He decides to follow their example. So just as the firing squad takes aim, he yells: "fire!" The queen was showing the archbishop around around her stables, when one of her prize thoroughbreds let of a huge, loud fart. "Oh I am sorry," said the queen. "How embarrassing," "It's perfectly all right Your Majesty, as a matter of fact, I thought it was the horse." Mrs. Jones took her poodle, Tits Wobble, for a walk and she lost him. Finally she reported her dog missing to the police. "Have you seen my Tits Wobble?" she asked the sergeant. "No," he said. " But I'd like to." A man steps into an elevator, where a very dignified woman is standing in front of the buttons. He soon realizes that there is a horrible smell in the lift so he turns to the woman and asks: "excuse me, but did you fart?" "Of course I did, you don't think I smell like this all the time?" Three friends went skydiving ,landed in the ocean and were eaten by a shark. Three hours later hey arrived in heaven. There they met an angel who said that they could each make a wish , All they had to do was go down a slide and say what they wanted and it would come true. The first bloke went down and said "women" and that's what he got, the second said "chocolate" and that's what he landed in, the third man was having so much fun going down the slide, that he said "weeeeeeeeeee" and that's what he landed in. Two guys are sitting in a bar drinking beer at the top of the Sydney Tower when one turns to the other and says "You know last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they will carry you around the building and into the window" The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar. The 2nd man says,"What are you, a nut? There is no way in hell that could happen." The first man claims, "No, It's true. Let me prove it to you." So he get's up from the bar, jumps from the balcony and careens to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high winds whip him around the building and into a back window on the 10th floor. He then takes the elevator back up to the bar. The 2nd man claims: "You know I saw that with my own eyes, but I still don't believe it. It must be a fluke." The 1st man says: "No, I will prove it to you again." So once again he jumped from the top of the building, hurling himself toward the street. Then at the 10th floor, the wind's gently carried him around the building into an open window. Once upstairs, he urges his fellow drinker to try it. So the 2nd man says: " What the hell! I know it works, it could be fun." So he throws himself over the balcony and plunges downward towards the street. He passes the 12th floor, then the 11th,10th 9th 8th, and hits the sidewalk with a SPLAT!! Upstairs, the bartender turns to the 1st man and says: "You know, Superman, you can be such a jerk sometimes. One day, an art lecturer approached one of his fellow students and said "Nice sheep,Pat. But where's the grass?" Pat just said "the sheep ate it!" One day, three men meet at the taps of the male toilets. The american uses lots of saop and uses lots of paper towels.He says "Back in USA we learnt to be very hygeinic." The Pommy uses little soapand one paper towel then says "Back in England we learnt to be hygeinic and environmentally friendly. The aussie walks to the door and says "Here in Australia we learn not to piss on our hands in the first place. There was an old man in France who used to get up every morning at five A.M. He would then go and sprinkle a white powder on the roads. When he was asked what he was sprinkling on the roads, he answered that it was elephant powder. The person then remarked "But everybody knows that there are no elephants in France!" to which he answered "I guess it must be working then!" It was a boring Sunday afternoon in the jungle so the Elephants decided to challenge the Ants to a game of soccer. The game was going well with the Elephants beating the Ants ten goals to nil, when the Ants gained posession. The Ants' star player was dribbling the ball towards the Elephants' goal when the Elephants' left back came lumbering towards him. The elephant trod on the little ant, killing him instantly. The referee stopped the game. "What the hell do you think you're doing? Do you call that sportsmanship, killing another player?" The elephant replied, "Well, I didn't mean to kill him - I was just trying to trip him up." There was this guy who bought an elderly circus elephant; I don't know why. Alas, he couldn't afford to feed it. He'd never seen an elephant jump with all 4 feet off the ground. So he started a contest: entry was $10, and the first person to get the elephant to jump with all 4 feet off the ground would get $50,000. All sorts of people tried, but nobody could get the elephant to jump. Finally, this little guy arrives in a limousine. He's carrying a baseball bat. He walks up to the elephant, swings the bat, and crunches the elephants balls pretty badly. Needless to say, the elephant jumps, and the owner pays out the $50,000. Unfortunately, the owner had barely collected enough to cover the prize, so he ran another contest. He'd never seen an elephant swing its head back and forth as if to say, "no." Same deal as before: $10 per entry, $50,000 prize. Lots of people try and fail. Then the little guy shows up in his limousine again, pulls out his bat, and walks up to the elephant. He says, "Remember me?" The elephant nods yes. The man holds up his bat and says, "Want me to use this again?" The elephant nods his head rather emphatically no... Used to be a man who owned a bar out in the middle of nowhere. Not too many people came to the bar, so he was trying to think of a good gimmick to get people to come. It so happened he was watching T.V. at the time and the parade for the circus was on. As the elephants went by he remembered reading somewhere that elephants don't laugh. He went down to the circus and inquired about buying an elephant. It just so happened that there was an elderly elephant bull that the circus was planning to retire. After agreeing on a price, the man bought the elephant. Back at the bar the man put a large jar on the bar with a sign reading: "Make the elephant laugh, $5.00 a shot, win $5,000." Well, a lot of people thought they could make the elephant laugh, and soon the jar was almost full. Then one night a man walked in and said to the bar owner, "I hear you will give any one who can make the elephant laugh $5,000." "Yeah, he's out back." After about five minutes tremendous, deep, thundering laughter could be heard coming from behind the bar. Every one in the bar raced back to see what was going on. When they got there the elephant was laughing!!! The man could not believe his eyes. But, a bet was a bet after all and he paid the stranger who had made the elephant laugh. A few weeks later and the elephant was still laughing. The bar owner could not stand it any more so he put a sign on the bar reading: "Make the elephant cry, $5.00 a shot, win $5,000." Again, a lot of people tried and tried, but they could not get the elephant to stop laughing. Finally the man who had gotten the elephant to laugh in the first place walked in. Upon seeing the sign, he inquired if anybody had had any luck in stopping the elephant from laughing. Seeings as no one had, he once more went back behind the bar to see the elephant. In less than a minute a wail of grief cascaded over the bar. All the patrons ran out to see what was up. The elephant had huge tears running down its cheeks. Once again a bet was a bet and the bar owner paid the man. Before the man could leave, the bar owner asked how he had gotten the elephant to laugh and then to cry. "Easy." said the man, "When I first went back there I told him my dick was bigger than his. And now I just proved it." A man went to a doctor to have his penis enlarged. Well, this particular procedure involved splicing a baby elephant's trunk onto the man's penis. Overjoyed, the man went out with his best girl to a very fancy restaurant. After cocktails, the man's penis crept out of his pants, felt around the table, grabbed a hard roll and quickly disappeared under the tablecloth. The girl was startled and exclaimed, "What was that?". Suddenly the penis came back, took another hard roll and just as quickly disappeared. The girl was silent for a moment, then finally said, "I don't believe I saw what I think I just saw... can you do that again?" With a bit of an uncomfortable smile the man replied, "Honey, I'd like to, but I don't think my ass can take another hard roll!" An elephant is walking through the jungle when she gets a thorn in her foot. She is in absolute agony until an ant strolls by. So the elephant says, "Help me, help me." But the ant refuses unless the elephants agrees to let the ant have his wicked way with her. Replys the elephant, "Anything! Anything!" So, out comes the thorn and up gets the ant and proceeds to enjoy himself. Meanwhile, in a tree directly above them, a monkey, who witnessed the whole episode, was in knots of laughter. Consequently he fell out of the tree on top of the elephant. Says the elephant: "Ouch!" Says the ant, in his own little frenzy: "Suffer bitch, suffer!!!" One afternoon, there was this good witch who was flying along, when all of a sudden, she heard this soft crying from down below. When she landed, she saw this yellow frog. Touched by his sadness, the witch asked why he was crying. "Sniff. None of the other frogs will let me join in all their frog games. Boo hoo." "Don't cry, little one.", replied the witch, and with a wave of her magic wand, the frog turned green. All happy now, the frog was checking himself over when he noticed that his penis was still yellow. He asked an embarrassed witch about this, and she told him that there were some things that she just couldn't do, but if he saw the wizard, he'd fix things up for him. So happily, the little green frog hippity-hopped along his merry way. Feeling quick happy about herself, the witch once more took to the skies, and once again, she heard some crying, but this time of a thunderous sort. So down to the ground she flew only to discover a pink elephant. The witch asked him why he was crying. "Sniff. None of the other elephants will let me join in all their elephant games. Boo hoo." Now if you have ever seen an elephant cry, you know it to be a pathetic looking sight, but a pink elephant crying is just downright heart-breaking, and that is just how the witch felt. So once again, she waved her magic wand, and *poof*, the elephant was all grey. All happy now, the elephant was checking himself all over when he noticed that his penis was still pink. He asked an embarrassed witch about this, and she told him that there were some things that she just couldn't do, but if he saw the wizard, he would fix things up for him. At this point, the elephant just started wailing. "I don't know where the wizard is", he sobbed. "Oh that's easy. Just follow the yellow pricked toad", said the good witch. Three scientists were one day discussing what would happen if they rammed a cork up an elephant's backside and force fed it for 2 weeks. But because the experiment had never been documented and the idea was hard to comprehend they decided to have a go. A week after the experiment had started they began to realize why the idea had never been tried; they were stuck for someone to pull the cork out. One of the scientists came up with the bright idea of training a monkey to do the job, so they spent the next week training it to pull out corks once a buzzer had rung, then push it back in for another go. The big day arrived, they set up all the monitoring equipment and set out to a safe distance. The first scientist went 1 mile away, the second went 2 miles away and the third went 3 miles. When they were all ready the first scientist pushed the button to sound the buzzer. BAAAANNNGGG!!!!! The third scientist (3 miles away) was up to his ankles in shit, the second (2 miles away) was up to his knees and the first (1 mile away) was up to his waist. When the others joined the scientist who was 1 mile away they noticed that he was in fits of laughter. "What the %$*& is so funny?" asked one of the scientist. "You should have seen the monkey's face trying to get the cork back in!!!" This joke involves an elephant who is walking through the jungle. And all of a sudden he falls into a pit and is stuck there. The elephant is stuck in this pit and realises that he is going to die, so naturally he start to scream. By chance a chicken hears the screaming of the elephant and decides to investigate. He sees the elephant stuck in the pit and shouts to the elephant: "Don't worry, I am going to save you." The chicken then calls on the King of the Jungle. The King of the Jungle promptly arrives in his red Porsche. He throws a rope from the Porche into the pit, the elephant ties it around himself and the King of the Jungle pulls him out of the pit. The elephant is saved (loud applause). So grateful is the elephant to the chicken that he promises him that he will one day do the same for him (if the chicken should ever be in mortal danger). As chance would have it, the next week the elephant is walking through the jungle and hears the screaming of a chicken. He wanders over and sees that his friend the chicken is stuck in a pit. (ohh, gosh) The elephant shouts "Don't worry chicken I will save you." So the elephant throws his tail into the pit. However this tail is too small and the chicken cannot reach it. Undeterred by this the elephant throws in his trunk, but, alas this also is too small. As a last desperate effort the elephant throws in his his penis. Success! The chicken grabs the elephants enormous penis and climbs out to safety. Moral of the story: "If you have a big dick you don't need a red Porsche to pull a chick." Father, mother and son decide to go to the zoo one day. So they set off and are seeing lots of animals. Eventually they end up opposite the elephant house. The boy looks at the elephant, sees its willy points to it and says, "Mummy, what is that long thing?" His mother replies, "That son, is the elephant's trunk." "No, at the other end." "That son is the tail." "No, mummy, the thing under the elephant." A short embarrassed silenced after which she replies, "Thats nothing." The mother goes to buy some ice-cream and the boy, not being satisfied with her answer asks his father the same question. "Daddy, what is that long thing?" "That's the trunk, son" replies the father. "No, at the other end." "Oh, that is the tail." "No, no daddy, the thing below," asks the son in desperation. "That is the elephants penis. Why do you ask son?" "Well mummy said it was nothing," says the boy. Replies the father: "I tell you, I spoil that woman..." Hickory Dickory Dock, An elephant ran up the clock, The clock is being repaired. A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block of marble; then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an elephant. Don't call an elephant, he may come! An ant and an elephant share a night of romance. Next morning the ant wakes up and the elephant is dead. "Damn," says the ant, "one night of passion and I spend the rest of my life digging a grave!" Tourist guide at zoo: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is the elephant, the largest animal to roam the lands. Every day the elephant eats 3 dozen bunches of bananas, 6 tons of hay, and 2000 pounds of assorted fruits. Madam, please don't stand near the elephant's backside... Madam, please don't stand near the elephant's backside... Madam... Madam... too late; George, dig her out. Getting anything done around here is like mating elephants. It's done on a very high level. There's a lot of stomping and screaming involved. And it takes two years to get any results. It says in a book that more than 6000 elephants go each year to make piano keys! Isn't it amazing what elephants can be trained to do!? There was this tiger, who woke up one morning, and just felt great (yes, just like Tony the Tiger: greaaaaaat). Anyway, he just felt so good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared at him: "Who is the mightiest of all the jungle animals?" And this poor quaking little monkey replied: "You are of course, no one is mightier than you." A little while later this tiger confronts a deer, and just bellows out: "Who is the greatest and strongest of all the jungle animals?" The deer is shaking so hard it can barely speak, but manages to stammer: "Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle." The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered, up to an elephant that was quietly munching on some weeds, and roared at the top of his voice: "Who is the mightiest of all the animals in |
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