MORE QUOTES - Personal - http://maxpages.com/justsum1/Quotes

I refuse to join any club which would have me as a member.
Groucho Marx

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.
Groucho Marx

I have this existential map. It has "you are here" written all over it.
Steven Wright

What's another word for thesaurus?
Steven Wright

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place!
Steven Wright

I'm part of the Jehovah's Witness Protection Program. They have to go door- to-door and tell everybody I'm somebody else.
Steven Wright

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."
Steven Wright

I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a song on the radio, I think, "Hey, maybe I wrote that."
Steven Wright

I was watching a fight on TV when all of a sudden, hockey broke out!
Rodney Dangerfield

She was so wild that when she made French toast she got her tongue caught in the toaster.
Rodney Dangerfield

My mother didn't breast-feed me. She said she liked me as a friend.
Rodney Dangerfield

I was such an ugly kid that my mother breast-fed me through a straw.
Rodney Dangerfield

In America, anyone can become president. That's one of the risks you take.
Adlai Stevenson

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.
Billy Crystal, "City Slickers"

My mind wanders a lot, but fortunately it's too weak to go very far.
Bob Thaves (Frank and Ernest)

If you can't laugh at yourself, make fun of others.
Bobby Slayton

Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.
Samuel Goldwyn

Before I die, I hope that someone will explain quantum mechanics to me. After I die, I hope that God will explain turbulence to me.
W. Heisenberg (?)

If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error.
John Kenneth Galbraith

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
Mark Twain

There are really not many jobs that actually require a penis or a vagina, and all other occupations should be open to everyone.
Gloria Steinem

Researchers have already cast much darkness on the subject, and if they continue their investigations, we shall soon know nothing at all about it.
Mark Twain

Give me liberty or give me ... ooh, jelly donut!
Homer Simpson

This manuscript is both good and original, but the part that is good is not original, and the part that is original is not good.
Samuel Johnson

The other day, I went to a tourist information booth and asked "Tell me about some of the people who were here last year."
Steven Wright

God gave me a penis and a brain, but not enough blood to use both at the same time.
Robin Williams

In the first place, God created idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards.
Mark Twain

I believe I have no prejudices whatsoever. All I need to know is that a man is a member of the human race. That's bad enough for me.
Mark Twain

There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesale returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.
Mark Twain

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
Mark Twain

Conscience is the inner voice that tells us that someone is looking.
H.L. Mencken

If you don't know where you are, a map won't help.
Watts Humphrey

There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.
Monta Crane

Never eat anything at one sitting that you can't lift.
Miss Piggy

If you come to a fork in the road, take it.
Yogi Berra

Laugh and the world laughs with you. Snore and you sleep alone.
A. Burgess

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
Erma Bombeck

If you want to recapture your youth, just cut off his allowance.
Al Bernstein

When you see a snake, never mind where he came from.
W.G. Benham

I just want to thank everyone who made this day necessary.
Yogi Berra

It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.
Dan Quayle

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it.
Clarence Darrow

The surest sign of intelligent life in the universe is that they haven't attempted to contact us.
Bill Watterson

All easy problems have already been solved.

All men should freely use those seven words which have the power to make any marriage run smoothly: You know dear, you may be right.

Always borrow money from a pessimist; they don't expect to be paid back.

Always try to do things in chronological order; it's less confusing that way.

Anarchy may not be the best form of government, but it's better than no government at all.

An armed society is a polite society.

An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while sweeping on to the grand fallacy.

Anyone can count the seeds in an apple.
No one can count the apples in a seed.

Any technology distinguishable from magic is insufficiently advanced.

Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.

Artificial Intelligence is the study of how to make real computers act like the ones in movies.

Artificial Intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

As a general rule, the freedom of any people can be judged by the volume of their laughter.

As of 1992, they're called European Economic Community fries.

Be kind to unkind people - they need it the most.

A bore is someone who persists in holding his own views after we have enlightened him with ours.

Business is like a wheelbarrow. Nothing ever happens until you start pushing.

Children are natural mimics who act like their parents despite every effort to teach them good manners.

Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.

Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.

Computers will not be perfected until they can compute how much more than the estimate the job will cost.

Condense soup, not books!

Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.

Conscious is when you are aware of something, and conscience is when you wish you weren't.

Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.

A day without sunshine is like night.

A waist is a terrible thing to mind.

Democracy is mob rule, but with income taxes.

Do not follow where the path may lead....go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.

Don't have a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent.

Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.

Friends: People who know you well, but like you anyway.

When your dreams turn to dust, vacuum.

Eschew obfuscation.

Every revolutionary idea - in science, politics, art, or whatever - evokes three stages of reaction in a
hearer:
1.It is completely impossible - don't waste my time.
2.It is possible, but it is not worth doing.
3.I said it was a good idea all along.

Every time history repeats itself the price goes up.

Find expression for a sorrow and it will become dear to you. Find expression for a joy, and you will intensify its ecstasy.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

The goal of science is to build better mousetraps. The goal of nature is to build better mice.

Given a choice between two theories, take the one which is funnier.

Good judgment comes from experience, and experience--well, that comes from poor judgment.

The greatest threat towards future is indifference.

Half of the people in the world are below average.

He is truly wise who gains wisdom from another's mishap.

He who hesitates is not only lost, but miles from the next exit.

The high cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

Hindsight is an exact science.

Horses just naturally have mohawk haircuts.

How can you tell when sour cream goes bad?

The human mind ordinarily operates at only ten percent of its capacity. The rest is overhead for the operating system.

The human race is faced with a cruel choice: work or daytime television.

If all economists were laid end to end, they would not reach a conclusion.

If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

If I ever needed a brain transplant, I'd choose a teenager's because I'd want a brain that had never been used.

If the car industry had progressed as much as the computer industry over the last 30 years, a Rolls-Royce would cost $5, get 300 miles per gallon, and blow up once a year killing all passengers inside.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.

If the hours are long enough and the pay is short enough, someone will say it's women's work.

If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people?

If the human brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn't.

If the odds are a million to one against something occuring, chances are 50-50 it will.

If you hear an onion ring, answer it.

If you're not part of the solution, then you're part of the precipitate.

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

In a survey taken several years ago, all incoming freshman at MIT were asked if they expected to graduate in the top half of their class. Ninety-seven percent responded that they did.

Include the success of others in your dreams for your own success.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. In practice, however, there is.

Is the glass half empty, half full, or twice as large as it needs to be?

I still miss my ex-wife, but my aim is getting better.

It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.

It's hard to make a program foolproof because fools are so ingenious.

Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn't mean he knows what it is.

Keep your head and your heart going in the right direction and you will not have to worry about your feet.

"Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Opportunity.
Don't be silly - opportunity doesn't knock twice!"

Life would be so much easier if everyone read the manual.

The light at the end of the tunnel is usually a "No Exit" sign.

Like winter snow on summer lawn, time past is time gone.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

A metaphor is like a simile.

Minds are like parachutes - they only function when open.

Mistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure.

The more sins you confess, the more books you will sell.

Nearly everyone is in favor of going to heaven but too many are hoping they'll live long enough to see an easing of the entrance requirements.

Never appeal to a man's "better nature." He might not have one.

Never ascribe to malice that which can adequately be explained by stupidity.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can put off indefinitely.

The nice thing about standards is, there are so many to choose from.

Nobody trips over mountains. It is the small pebble that causes you to stumble. Pass all the pebbles in your path and you will find you have crossed the mountain.

No man knows what true happiness is until he gets married. By then, of course, its too late.

The number you have dialed is imaginary. Please divide by 0 and try again.

Objects in mirror are closer than they appear.

Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.

One essential to success is that you desire be an all-obsessing one, your thoughts and aims be co-ordinated, and your energy be concentrated and applied without letup.

The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the one who is doing it.

The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you are in the bathroom.

People seldom know what they want until you give them what they ask for.

People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.

The philosophy exam was a piece of cake - which was a bit of a surprise, actually, because I was expecting some questions on a sheet of paper.

Philosophy is a game with objectives and no rules.
Mathematics is a game with rules and no objectives.

Plants do not have the power of locomotion -- except perhaps for kudzu.

Q: How do you spell "onomatopoeia"?
A: The way it sounds.

Q: What do you get when you cross an ethernet with an income statement?
A: A local area networth.

Quantum particles: The dreams that stuff is made of.

A rolling stone gathers momentum.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Some poems rhyme

Some people march to the beat of a different drummer. And some people tango!

Sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma.

The speed of time is one second per second.

A Stanford research group advertised for participants in a study of obsessive-compulsive disorder. They got 3000 responses. All from the same person.

Status quo. Latin for "the mess we're in."

Success in marriage is not so much finding the right person as it is being the right person.

Teenagers are people who express a burning desire to be different by dressing exactly alike.

There's a fine line between courage and foolishness. Too bad its not a fence.

There are some strings. They're just not attached.

There has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know nothing about.

There's an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to.

There's an old story about the person who wished his computer were as easy to use as his telephone. That wish has come true, since I no longer know how to use my telephone.

There's no future in time travel.

Thought for the day: What if there were no hypothetical situations?

To be a winner, all you need to give is all you have.

Today is the yesterday you worried about tomorrow.

Too many people are ready to carry the stool when the piano needs to be moved.

Two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights make a left.

Until you walk a mile in another man's moccasins, you can't imagine the smell.

Virtue is its own punishment.

We, the unwilling,
led by the unknowing,
are doing the impossible
for the ungrateful.
We have done so much,
for so long,
with so little,
we are now qualified to do anything
with nothing.

When the tide of life turns against you
And the current upsets your boat
Don't waste tears on what might have been
Just lie on your back and float.

What's the sound a name makes when it's dropped?

What was sliced bread the greatest thing since?

When all else fails, read the instructions.

When all is said and done, more is said than done.

Where would we be without rhetorical questions?

While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.

While most peoples' opinions change, the conviction of their correctness never does.

Why can you only have two doors on a chicken coop? If it had four it would be a chicken sedan.

Work 8 hours, sleep 8 hours; but not the same 8 hours.

Writing a book is like washing an elephant: there's no good place to begin or end, and it's hard to keep track of what you've already covered.

You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.

You can fool some of the people all of the time, and
You can fool all of the people some of the time, but
You can't fool mom.

You can only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.

You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.

You don't have to stay up nights to succeed; you have to stay awake days.

You don't have to worry about me. I might have been born yesterday...but I stayed up all night.

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just_sum_one@hotmail.com

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Page Updated Wed Sep 15, 1999 3:38am EDT