MORE JOKES ABOUT MEN (are we noticing a pattern here) - Personal

How To Shower Like a Man

Short version:

1.Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile on the floor.

2.Walk to bathroom wearing a towel. If you see your girlfriend/wife along the way, flash her.

3.Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs. (no)

4.Turn on the water.

5.Check for pecs again. (no)

6.Get in the shower.

7.Don't bother to look for a washcloth. (you don't use one)

8.Wash your face.

9.Wash your armpits.

10.Wash your penis and surrounding area.

11.Wash your ass.

12.Shampoo your hair. (do not use conditioner)

13.Make a shampoo Mohawk.

14.Open the door and look at yourself in the mirror.

15.Pee

17.Return to the bedroom wearing a towel, if you pass your girlfriend/wife, flash her.

Long version:

Replace #10 with: Masturbate using soap.

WHAT GIRLS SAY AND WHAT THEY MEAN

*They say: Can't we just be friends?
They mean: There is no way in hell I am ever going to let any part of your body touch mine again.
*They say: I just need some space.
They mean: Yeah, space without you in it.
*They say: Can you help me with my homework?
They mean: If I keep whining the fool will do it for me.
*They say: Do I look fat in this dress?
They mean: We haven't had a fight in awhile.
*They say: No, pizza's fine.
They mean: Cheap bastard.
*They say: I just don't want a BF right now...
They mean: I just don't want you as a BF.
*They say: I don't know; what do you want to do?
They mean: I can't believe you don't have anything planned.
*They say: Come here.
They mean: My puppy does this too.
*They say: I like you but...
They mean: I just don't like you.
*They say: You never listen.
They mean: You never listen!
*They say: We're moving too quickly.
They mean: I won't sleep with you until I find out if this guy in Bio has a GF or not.
*They say: I'll be ready in a minute.
They mean: I AM ready, but I'm going to make you wait because I know you will.
*They say: Oh no, I'll pay for myself...
They mean: I'm just being nice; there's no way I'm going Dutch.
*They say: Oh yes! Right there!
They mean: Well, near there; I just want to get this over with.
*They say: I'm just going out with the girls.
They mean: We're going to go out and make fun of you and your friends.
*They say: There's no one else.
They mean: I'm doing your brother.
*They say: Size doesn't count...
They mean: Unless I want an orgasm.

WHAT GUYS SAY AND WHAT THEY MEAN

*They say: It's just orange juice, try it.
They mean: Three more shots, and she'll have her legs around my head.
*They say: She's kind of cute.
They mean: I wanna bang her until I'm blue.
*They say: I don't know if I like her.
They mean: She won't blow me.
*They say: I need you.
They mean: My hand is tired.
*They say: I had her.
They mean: I had wet dreams about her all week.
*They say: I really want to get to know you better.
They mean: So we can do what I tell my friends we do already?
*They say: How do I compare with all your other BFs?
They mean: Is my penis really that small?
*They say: I want you back.
They mean: ...for tonight anyway...
*They say: We've been through so much together.
They mean: If not for you, I never would've lost my virginity.
*They say: I miss you so much.
They mean: I'm so horny that my roommate is starting to look good.
*They say: No, I don't want to dance right now.
They mean: Shoot! She'll know that I have a hard-on!
*They say: The break-up should not start for another few hours...
They mean: I want to have sex a few more times.
*They say: I'm different from all the other guys you've been with.
They mean: I'm not circumcised.

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never Be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

Recently scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of these subjects gained weight, talked excessively without making sence, became highly emotional, couldn't drive, couldn't think and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned...

Men's rules for women...

1. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
2. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
3. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up, put it down.
4. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
6. Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.
7. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation or motorcycles.
8. Shopping is something we will never enjoy.
9. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
10. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.
11. Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot and your Dad probably is too.
12. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
13. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
14. Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
15. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
16. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
17. Your Mom doesn't have to be our best friend.
18. Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.
19. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
20. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.All comments become null and void after 7 days.
21. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
22. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways
makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
23. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
24. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
25. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done not both.

Manly Quiz:
Are you an unreconstructed, right-on, rogue male or a delivery boy of the new male order? Are you a man or a louse? Find out below:

1. A woman whispers "Fuck me now, big boy..." In your ear. She is obviously:
a) Short sighted
b) Attempting to overcome a lack of self esteem through meaningless sexual gratification
c) Begging for it
d) A recording
2. In the company of feminists, coitus should be referred to as:
a) Sex
b) Fucking
c) Enclosure
d) The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town

3. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
a) Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
b) Your Blood-test results
c) A cab
d) Five tequila slammers

4. You time your orgasm so that:
a) Your partner climaxes first
b) You both climax simultaneously
c) The director can set up for a close-up
d) You don't miss Sportsnight

5. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
a) Strictly for cats
b) Healthy, creative love-play
c) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to
d) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about

6. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
a) The best part of the experience
b) The second best part of the experience
c) A loathsome chore
d) $100 extra

7. Your girlfriend says she's gained 4 pounds in weight in the last month. You tell her that it is:
a) No concern of yours
b) No barrier to her finding a new boyfriend
c) No problem - she can join your gym
d) A conservative estimate

8. Today's sensitive, caring man is:
a) An ideal to which you aspire
b) A myth
c) An oxymoron
d) A moron

9. Your girlfriend announces that she is pregnant. Do you:
a) Take her in your arms and say: "Oh darling, this is the happiest day of my life..."
b) Take her to bed and say: "I might as well get hung for a sheep as a lamb..."
c) Take her to the abortion clinic
d) Take her phone number and tell her you'll get back to her

10. A prostitute is:
a) A victim of male dominated society and social oppression
b) Someone who provides an essential service
c) A cheap date
d) A valued employee

11. A wife is:
a) A victim of male dominated society and social oppression
b) Someone who provides an essential service
c) A cheap date
d) A valued employee

12. Masturbation is:
a) Sex with someone you love
b) A healthy exploration of your erogenous zones
c) A team sport
d) A cheap date

13. How can you tell when your partner has an orgasm?
a) When she drops her nail file
b) When she goes the color of Man United's home strip (or a Chicago Bulls uniform)
c) When the Earth moves
d) Who cares?

14. It is the day after a one-night stand. Do you:
a) Call her
b) Call your lawyer
c) Call your doctor
d) Call your wife

15. Which of the following lines best fits into your ideal role-playing sexual fantasy:
a) "Frankly Scarlett, I don't give a damn..."
b) "I've got a nasty swelling down here, Nurse..."
c) "You're a lovely, fluffy little sheep...."
d) "Another consonant please, Vanna...."

16. You take a woman out to dinner and the bill comes to $300. Do you expect:
a) An overdraft
b) A blow job
c) Her to pay next time
d) A thank-you letter

17. You call your penis:
a) John Thomas
b) Terry-Thomas
c) Massive
d) On its birthday

18. Foreplay is to sex as:
a) Priming is to painting
b) Appetizer is to entree
c) Trailer is to feature
d) A queue is to an amusement park ride

19. The slogan that sums up your sexual mores is:
a) Free Lorena Bobbitt
b) Free Mike Tyson
c) Free Willy
d) Free condom with this survey

20. During sex you:
a) Haggle
b) Talk dirty
c) Talk of love
d) Talk on the phone

21. Your local MP (Mayor) is involved in a lurid sex scandal. You are:
a) Outraged
b) Implicated
c) Jealous
d) A Labor voter anyway

22. A woman who consents to having sex with you when she is drunk is:
a) Easier
b) Unfortunately, probably incapable of rational judgment
c) Fortunately, probably incapable of rational judgment
d) A tricky defense in court

23. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
a) "I hope we can still be friends."
b) "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you."
c) "I'm not in right now. Please leave a message after the tone...."
d) "Keep the change."

24. At what point do you put on the condom?:
a) Before you go out
b) Before you pass out
c) As a party trick
d) Never

25. You wake to find your partner clutching your penis in one hand and a carving knife in the other. Do you:
a) Talk through her anger
b) Shout "Look behind you!" and make a run for it
c) Ask her to put down the offensive weapon
d) Ask her to put down the knife

26. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
a) Is uptight and a waste of time
b) Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy
c) May need glasses
d) Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place

A pastor of one church was previously a sailor and was aware
that ships are addressed as "she" and "her". He often wondered
what gender computers should be addressed. To answer that
question, he set up two groups of computer experts.

The first was comprised of women, and the second of men. Each
group was asked to recommend whether computers should be
referred to in the feminine gender, or the masculine gender.
They were asked to give 4 reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women reported that the computers should be
referred to in the masculine gender because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the
time they are the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had
waited a little longer you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand concluded that computers should be
referred to in the feminine gender because:

1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other
computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory
for retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself
spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

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just_sum_one@hotmail.com

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Page Updated Wed Sep 15, 1999 3:37am EDT