GUIDES, MANUALS & LISTS! - Personal - http://maxpages.com/justsum1/Guides_and

A Beer Drinker's Troubleshooting Manual

SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, beer is unusually pale and clear.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Find someone who will buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, and the front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Buy another beer and practice in front of mirror. Drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique.

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Turn glass other way up so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Go stand next to nearest dog. After a while complain to the owner about its lack of house training and demand a beer as compensation.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Find someone who will buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor swaying.
FAULT: Excessive air turbulence, perhaps due to air-hockey game in progress.
ACTION: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar. If not, complain loudly that you are being kidnapped.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with ceiling tilesand fluorescent light strip across it.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: If your glass is full and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to help you get up; latch self to bar.

SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dim, mouth full of cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dark.
FAULT: The Bar is closing.
ACTION: Panic.

SYMPTOM: You awaken to find your bed hard, cold and wet. You cannot see anything in your bedroom.
FAULT: You have spent the night in the gutter.
ACTION: Check your watch to see if bars are open yet. If not, treat yourself to a lie-in.

GUIDE TO SAFE FAX

Q. Do I have to be married to have safe fax?
A. Although married people fax quite often, there are many single people who fax complete strangers every day.

Q. My parents say they never had fax when they were young and were only allowed to write memos to each other till they were twenty-one. How old do you think someone should be before they can fax?
A. Faxing can be performed at any age, once you learn the correct procedure.

Q. If I fax by myself will I go blind?
A. Certainly not, as far as we can see.

Q. There is a place on our street where you can go and pay for fax. Is this legal?
A. Yes, many people have no outlet for their fax needs and must pay a "professional."

Q. Should a cover always be used for faxing?
A. Unless you are really sure of the one you are faxing, a cover sheet should always be used to ensure safe fax.

Q. What happens when I incorrectly do the procedure, and I fax prematurely?
A. Don't panic. Many people prematurely fax when they haven't faxed in a long time. Just start all over. Most people won't mind if you try again.

Q. I have a personal and a business fax. Can the transmission become mixed up?
A. Being bi-faxual can be confusing, but as long as you use a cover with each one, you won't transmit anything you're not supposed to.

ARE YOU A GUY???
From one of Dave Berry's books

1) Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the
entire Earth. You decide to:
a. Present it to the president of the United States
b. Present it to the secretary general of the United Nations
c. Take it apart

2) As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most?
a. Innocence
b. Idealism
c. Cherry bombs

3) When is it okay to kiss another male?
a. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions
b. When he is the pope (Not on the lips)
c. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed

4) What about hugging another male?
a. If he's your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease
b. If you're performing the Heimlich maneauver (And even in this case, you should repeatedly shout:
"I am just dislodging food trapped in this male's trachea! I am not in any way aroused!")
c. If you're a professional baseball player and a teammate hits a home run to win the World Series,
you may hug him provided that (1) he is legally within the basepath, (2) both of you are wearing protective cups, and (3) you also pound him fraternally with your fist hard enough to cause fractures

5) Complete this sentence: A funeral is a good time to......
a. remember the deceases and console his loved ones
b. reflect upon the fleeting transience of earthly life
c. tell the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's disease and cancer

6) In your opinion, the ideal pet is
a. A cat
b. A dog
c. A dog that eats cats

7) You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy - you're watching a football game; she's reading the papers - when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together, What do you say?
a. That you sincerely believe the two of you do havea future, but you don't want to rush it
b. That although you also have stong feelings for her, you cannot honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope
c. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third and seventeen

8) Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her - sharing the joys and the sorrows, the triumphs and the tragedies, and all the adventures and opportunities that the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?
a. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner
b. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you,
with the sea breeze blowing her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her
c. Tell her what?

9) One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:
a. "Do they need to eat anything?"
b. "They're in school already?"
c. "There are three of them?"

10) When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?
a. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs
b. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers
c. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody - and we are not naming names, but this would be his wife - is quietly trying to discard his underwear, which she is frankly jealous of, because the guy seems to have a more intimate relationship with it than with her

11) What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?
a. He was being tested
b. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there
c. He refused to ask directions

12) What is the human race's single greatest achievement?
a. Democracy
b. Religion
c. Remote Control

How to score: Give yourself one point for every time you picked answer "c." A real guy would score
at least 10 on this test. In fact, a real guy would score at least 15, because he would get the special
five-point bonus for knowing the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's disease AND cancer.

How to Live Through a Horror Movie

1.When it appears that you have killed the monster, *never* check to see if it's really dead.

2.If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetery, was once a church that had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed necrophilia or satanic practices in your house move away immediately.

3.Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.

4.Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.

5.If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, or if they speak to you using a voice which is other than their own, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. NOTE: It will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared.

6.When you have the benefit of numbers, *never* pair off and go it alone.

7.As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

8.Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or anywhere near a grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum, or other house of the dead.

9.If you're searching for something which caused a noise and find out that it's just the cat, *leave the room immediately if you value your life.*

10.If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.

11.Do not take *anything* from the dead.

12.If you find a town which looks deserted, it's probably for a reason. Take the hint and stay away.

13.Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you are doing.

14.If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.

15.If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, get away from them as fast as possible.

16.Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (God help you if you recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.

17.If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help.

18.Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any device made from deceased companions.

19.Listen closely to the soundtrack; and pay attention to the audience, since they are usually far more intelligent than you could ever hope to be.

DATING DONTS FOR GUYS

There are LOTS of ways to ruin a date. Here are a few things NOT to say on a date...

"I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired."

"I refuse to get cable. That's how they keep tabs on you."

"I used to come here all the time with my ex."

"Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear my voice on the answering machine every hour."

"I really feel that I've grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn't have given someone like you a second look."

"And I won that trophy in the inter-fraternity belching contest."

"I know you said you don't eat anything with a face. But a good butcher will cut that part off for you if you ask."

"It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people I date just won't be as smart as I am."

"I never said you NEED a nose job. I just said it wouldn't hurt to consider it.

PSYCHOLOGICAL STUDIES OF TYPES OF MEN IN PUBLIC REST ROOMS

01. Excitable : shorts half twisted around, can't find hole, rips shorts

02. Sociable : joins friends in a pee if he has to or not

03. Nosey : looks into next urinal to see how the other guy is fixed

04. Crosseyed : looks into urinal on left, pees into one in center

05. Timid : cannot urinate if someone else is watching; flushes urinal as if he had

06. Indifferent : all urinals are being used, he pees in sink

07. Clever : no hands--shows off by fixing his tie--looks around, pees on floor

08. Worried : is not sure of what he has been doing lately-makes a quick inspection

09. Absent Minded : opens vest; pulls out tie; pees in pants

10. Frivolous : plays stream up and down and across urinal-tries to hit fly

11. Disgusted : stands for awhile, gives up, walks away

12. Sneaks : Farts silently while leaking, acts very innocent-knows that the man in the next stall will be blamed

13. Childish : leaks directly into urinal bottom, likes to see it bubble

14. Patient : stands very close for a long time waiting-reads newspaper with free hand

15. Efficient : waits until he has to take a crap then does both

16. Tough : bangs dong against urinal to dry it

17. Fat : has to stand back to take a long blind shot at urinal, misses, pees in shoe

18. Little : stands on box, falls in, drowns

19. Drunk : holds left thumb with right hand, pees in pants

20. Withdrawn : places feet in urinal, pees down leg, thus eliminating noise

21. Impatient : always in a hurry, pees down back of guy using urinal ahead of him

WHY BEER IS BETTER THAN WOMEN

1. YOU CAN ENJOY A BEER ALL MONTH LONG.

2. BEER STAINS WASH OUT.

3. YOU DON'T HAVE TO WINE AND DINE BEER.

4. YOUR BEER WILL ALWAYS WAIT PATIENTLY FOR YOU IN THE CAR WHILE YOU PLAY FOOTBALL.

5. WHEN YOUR BEER GOES FLAT, YOU TOSS IT OUT.

6. BEER IS NEVER LATE.

7. A BEER DOESN'T GET JEALOUS WHEN YOU GRAB ANOTHER BEER.

8. HANGOVERS GO AWAY.

9. BEER LABELS COME OFF WITHOUT A FIGHT.

10. WHEN YOU GO TO A BAR, YOU KNOW YOU CAN ALWAYS PICK UP A BEER.

11. BEER NEVER HAS A HEADACHE.

12. YOU DON'T HAVE TO DRIVE A BEER HOME IN THE
MORNING.

13. A BEER WON'T GET UPSET IF YOU COME HOME WITH ANOTHER BEER.

14. IF YOU POUR A BEER RIGHT, YOU'LL ALWAYS GET GOOD HEAD.

15. A BEER ALWAYS GOES DOWN EASY.

16. YOU CAN HAVE MORE THAN ONE BEER IN A NIGHT AND NOT FEEL GUILTY.

17. YOU CAN SHARE A BEER WITH YOUR FRIENDS.

18. YOU ALWAYS KNOW YOU'RE THE FIRST ONE TO POP A BEER.

19. BEER IS ALWAYS WET.

20. BEER DOESN'T DEMAND EQUALITY.

21. YOU CAN HAVE A BEER IN PUBLIC.

22. A BEER DOESN'T CARE WHEN YOU COME.

23. A FRIGID BEER IS A GOOD BEER.

24. YOU DON'T HAVE TO WASH A BEER BEFORE IT TASTES GOOD.

25. IF YOU CHANGE BEERS YOU DON'T HAVE TO PAY
ALIMONY.

ICQ ME 24345339

just_sum_one@hotmail.com

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Page Updated Wed Sep 15, 1999 3:38am EDT