MONICA AND BILL JOKES!!!!! - Personal - http://maxpages.com/justsum1/Clinton_and_Lewinsky

What did Monica Lewinsky put on her resume?
"Sat on Presidential Staff"

What is the difference between Bill Clinton and the Titanic
Only 1200 went down on the Titanic

Did ya hear about the new game at the White House?
It's called "Swallow the Leader".

Did you hear about the survey where it asks "Would you
sleep with President Clinton"?
Eighty percent replied "Not again!"

What do the press call the latest White House scandal?
Fornigate.

How does Bill keep Monica Lewinsky away from the White
House?
He keeps offering to send Ted Kennedy over to give her a
ride.

What is Clinton's worst nightmare?
An intern with braces.

Clinton dies 10 minutes before Pope John Paul II dies.
Clinton is sent to heaven. When the Pope dies, he is sent to
hell. When the Pope arrives in hell he calls up St. Peter and
says to him.."hey..I'm the Pope,I should be in heaven, not in
hell"...St.Peter says "come right up, I made a mistake..I'm
sending Clinton down to where he should be."..Half way up
the Pope meets Clinton (who was on his way down to
hell).."OH..Mr. President"... Pope says to Clinton..."I
cannot wait to meet the Virgin Mary"......"too late" replied
Clinton.

Bill Clinton, Al Gore, & Newt Gingrich were on the Titanic,
when they heard that it was sinking, Newt said to Bill & Al,
"Let's save the women & children!!" IN reply, Al gore said,
"Screw the women & children!!" Bill Clinton then replied,
"Do we have time??"

What's this? (blow up your cheeks like a fish)
Monica Lewinsky withholding evidence.

CLINTON QUIZ

1. In his wedding vows to Hillary, Bill Clinton promised to:

A.Love, honor and cherish you until death do us part. Within reason.
B.Remain faithful: i.e. abstain from non-oral sexual contact with extra-spousal parties.
C.“Wear pants.”
D.“Remove my right hand from the maid-of-honor’s left buttock.”

2. According to sources familiar with transcripts between Clinton and
former White House intern Monica Lewinski, an aroused clinton is
heard exclaiming:

A.“Let’s pretend we’re being watched by Leon Panetta.”
B.“NAFTA! NAFTA! NAFTA!”
C.$2.95 for the first minute? What a ripoff!”
D.Ooo, baby, yeah. That feels good, . . . Uh, no, sorry Yasser, I thought you were someone
else.”

3. Special prosecutor Kenneth Starr has been investigating Clinton
since:

A.Allegations of wrongdoing surfaced in the Whitewater land deal.
B.Paula Jones filled sexual-harassment charges against Clinton.
C.Questions surfaced about Democratic campaign finance practices.
D.The introduction of Arab coinage in A.D. 696.

4. When discussing the White House sex scandal with children, what’s
the most appropriate euphemism for referring to the president’s
genitalia?

A.Mr. Winky-Dinky
B.Col. Flibbers
C.Heinrich von Wriggle Meister
D.Li’l Elvis

5. Clinton this week forcefully declared: “I did not have sexual
relations with that woman, Miss Lewinsky. I never told anyone to lie.
Not a single time. Never. These allegations are false.” Assuming the
contrary proves true, which of the following rationales would Clinton --
described in Time magazine as a “cunning linguist” -- most likely use to
deflect accusations that he lied to the American people?

A.“I did not have sexual relations with her. She had them with me.”
B.“What I said at the time was that I didn’t have sexual relations with a Ms. Slewinsky -- and
that’s the God-honest truth. As for Miss Lewinski, that’s a different matter.”
C.“Its true that I never told anyone to lie a single time. I told Monica Lewinsky to lie dozens
and dozens of times.”
D.“An ‘allegation’ isn’t necessarily an acccustion. According to Webster’s it can also mean
an ‘assertion’ and an ‘assertion’ -- again according to Webster’s -- is a statement. So when
I said ‘These allegations are false,’ I was referring to my statement that I didn’t have sex
with Monica Lewinski> Which I did. Get it?”

Answers

1.Answer: D
2.Answer: B
3.Answer: D
4.Answer: D
5.Answer: all of the above

I wonder kind of cigars Hillary prefers?

Say what you want about Bill, but you have to admit he's a very upright man.

Our president is a weasel, he is a hound. His is like one of the apes in the zoo who
always seems to be openly masturbating when you walk by with your kids.

For a man who isn't really sure what are sexual relations, he certainly does a lot of
research.

Clinton has less class then a After reading the report it seems the only one that did not
know Clinton was having sexual relations with Monica was Bill Clinton.

Clinton like the market keeps hitting new lows.

There's now a new name for Bill Clinton's pants...
The U.S. Open.

Soon they'll be using the Starr Report, instead of Play Boy as a "catalyst" at sperm
banks.

Clinton’s been spinning long enough...let’s hang him out to dry...

Mark Mcgwire should hit 69 homers total to commemorate the kind of year it has been

Seems they are selling viagara in a brown wrapper now, just like cigars

So when Hillary finally speaks out about the President's confession, who is she going to
blame this time?
Area 51 Aliens with mind control powers???

Clinton's newest hit song: Once, Twice, Three Times an Apology.

I was watching the TV, I thought it was Titanic, then I realized it was the Democrats
fleeing the White House.
-Jay Leno 9/09/98

While the White House's spin cycle has been left on permanent Press, it seems that they
put to much starch in the President's briefs.

The makers of depends are now offering the Democrats a special 15% pre-election
discount discount.

Monica's dress will be known in history as "The spot seen round the world"

Roses are red, Monica blew.
It ain't cheatin', 'cause Bill didn't screw.

What is Kenneth Starr's opinion of his chances of prosecuting the President:
-"Its an open and slut case!"

Laughs Read
This Book

Parliament of
Whores
by P. J. O'Rourke

Bill Clinton
One Liners

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A collection of assorted one liners from this page have been recorded in Real
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visit the Clinton Silly Sounds page for more Real Audio Files.

At least now we understand why mattresses are discounted every Presidents Day.

"I saw Stepmom over the weekend. No, not the movie, -- Hillary Clinton!"
Jay Leno 1/6/99

"Clinton a father again. Great, is that what he needs, another reason to pass out cigars?"
Jay Leno 1/6/99

"I mean, who do you believe, a hooker or President Clinton? You know -- for most
Americans, that's a tough one."
Jay Leno 1/5/99

"And today, more bad news for President Clinton. Do you know the New Year's baby?
That's his, too."
Jay Leno 1/6/99

STOP TOBACCO ABUSE - SMOKE YOUR CIGAR

The President's lawyers will argue a new defense of the President before the House
Judiciary Committee. The stain on the dress was actually just tree sap. Of course, it
came from the highest branch of the government.

President Clinton granted a pardon to the Thanksgiving Turkey. I didn't think that a
president was permitted to pardon himself.

Sears is making a tool in honor of Bill Clinton....the Clinton driver...screws everything
guaranteed.

Clinton's Alibi: "Well my first marriage was only in beta...."

There's now a new name for Bill Clinton's pants...
The U.S. Open.

In response to the many inquiries from her devotees, Judith Martin ("Miss Manners") has
decreed that the preferred term whenever addressing or referring to first lady Hillary
Clinton, is "madam". Citing Teapot Dome, Watergate, Iran-Contra and Zippergate, she
said, "It's become clear to me that the President's wife essentially is responsible for
running a house of ill repute."

Special prosecutor: Mr Clinton "Please tell the grand jury what you were doing with the
cigar." Clinton, " Demonstrating." SP "Demonstrating?" Clinton, "Yes, demonstrating." sp
"What were you demonstrating" Clinton " Our policy to Cuba!"

It's odd that Bill gave Monica Whitman's "Leaves of Grass." You would've thought he'd
had given her Melville's "Moby-Dick."

The network newscasters originally called it a cocktail dress but,
now that the Starr Report has been released, it apparently was really a cockTRAIL
dress.

Monica was ready to sell her blue dress until the President put a deposit on it.

Ronald Reagan looked forward to morning in America; Bill Clinton looks forward to
moaning in America.

Madison's legacy was the Bill of Rights; Clinton's legacy will be the Rights of Bill.

When asked to compare Paula Jones to Monica Lewinski, Bill Clinton paused, and after
considerable thought, finally responded "close, but no cigar."

Bill + Monica = Slick Willy Bill + Hillary = Slack Willy

Bill Clinton was giving testimony before the grand jury. He asks if he could be excused
to go to the bathroom. Ken Starr jumps up and says, " I object, he's going to play with the
evidence."

Mr. Clinton had an improper relationship with his oath of office.

Picture is worth a thousand words, a DNA sample only one, Guilty.

MY DAUGHTER WAS A WHITE HOUSE INTERN AND ALL I GOT WAS THIS
CUM STAINED DRESS

Ad Slogan: Churchill still believes that the best way to enjoy a fine cigar is to smoke it.

Clinton is going to change the American national motto, it now will be "Ladies Drink
Free."

Politicians are like diapers. Both need to be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

By C-R-I-M-E do you mean that C-linton R-eally I-s M-orally E-nept?

Congress is being terribly unfair to Clinton, they should have impeached him years ago.

Geraldo will report tonight that a souce close to the White House says there are no
sources close to the White House.

Monica wanted the cigar, but she just got the tipparillo.

Working at the white house has now become a full contact sport.

Mr. President, I would tell you to stick it in your blow hole, but I am to afraid you just
might.

Airhead #1: And now the Republicans are, like, saying Clinton's been splitting hairs and
stuff.
Airhead #2: Oh, wow. Like maybe he should try a new Salon!

Clinton's testimony was premeditated, will he now plead insanity?

Hi my name is Bill Clinton and I am addicted to sex. It has been 2 hourse since my last
intern.

I wonder kind of cigars Hillary prefers?

Say what you want about Bill, but you have to admit he's a very upright man.

Our president is a weasel, he is a hound. His is like one of the apes in the zoo who
always seems to be openly masturbating when you walk by with your kids.

For a man who isn't really sure what are sexual relations, he certainly does a lot of
research.

Clinton has less class then a After reading the report it seems the only one that did not
know Clinton was having sexual relations with Monica was Bill Clinton.

Clinton like the market keeps hitting new lows.

When Clinton was elected he said he felt our pain, I guess it is now our turn to feel his.

Its the truth, Stupid!

No, No, we don't want you to resign. We just want you reassigned to another house in
the Criminal Justice System.

Clinton seems so confused about what exactly is sex, that soon Starr will have to add
diagrams to the report.

The only thing the President puts before himself are women.

Who needs Dr. Elders to teach us about sex education when we have Clinton?

I don't see why people say Starr and Clinton are enemies. They are getting along just like
brothers, Cain and Able that is.

Definition of Oral Sex: Talking about it.
-M. Brown

I just finished reading the Starr Report.
There is nothing better then a Blow by Blow account.

With Bill for entertainment there should be a two drink minimum to get in the country.

I let down my country, I let down my family, and now I have let down my pants.
-Dave Letterman, 9/10/98

36 boxes, How many cigars does Clinton have?

Soon they'll be using the Starr Report, instead of Play Boy as a "catalyst" at sperm
banks.

Clinton’s been spinning long enough...let’s hang him out to dry...

Mark Mcgwire should hit 69 homers total to commemorate the kind of year it has been

Seems they are selling viagara in a brown wrapper now, just like cigars

So when Hillary finally speaks out about the President's confession, who is she going to
blame this time?
Area 51 Aliens with mind control powers???

Clinton's newest hit song: Once, Twice, Three Times an Apology.

I was watching the TV, I thought it was Titanic, then I realized it was the Democrats
fleeing the White House.
-Jay Leno 9/09/98

While the White House's spin cycle has been left on permanent Press, it seems that they
put to much starch in the President's briefs.

The makers of depends are now offering the Democrats a special 15% pre-election
discount discount.

Monica's dress will be known in history as "The spot seen round the world"

Well it's nice to see that Clinton has finally 'fessed up and said he is "very sorry". Now,
there's just one more step required for him to regain his credentials as a good ol' boy:
make it "plumb sorry."

Close associates say the President is thinking of getting Monica a hearing aid for
Christmas. He claims he said: "You have two sensational eyes, my love." But she says
she heard "You have to sensationalize my lust".

Tomorrow's headline: Spineless Cactus Developed using Clinton DNA.

Monica was planning on getting a new dress but she decided to stick to the one she has.

Few remember that Disney once turned down Monica Lewinsky for an acting job. She
had auditioned for a role in a kids' show about government and politics.
Sih-wee wabbits. Widdle did day wee-ah-wize how ah-gwessive-wee Wah-winsky
would push to cover a weal pwesidential ewection.

Have you heard that Monica Lewinsky is going to be the next Carl's Juniors spoks
person? After all who better to tell you " If is doesn't get all over the place it doesn't
belong on your face?"
-m.taubert

Bill Clinton is known as a frank and candid boss who doesn't beat around the bush. It's
said he often starts a conversation with one of the young White House interns with the
sentence: "I'd like to get something straight between you and me."

Monica gives a whole new definition to hand rolled cigars.

Now we know why Bill Clinton started chewing his cigars instead of smoking them.

I wonder if the cigar was lit and if it was, did she inhale.

Could she do the same thing with chewing tobacco? If so could she swallow?

Should Monica be on the cover of Cigar Aficionado?

Will it be appropriate now to buy your girlfriend a box of cigars for Valentines Day
instead of a negligee?

Do they sell cigar condoms?

Who needs a humidor if you have a Monica?

Maybe she was showing Bill Clinton a new way to bite the tip off.(Ouch)

Have you ever seen a skunk smoking a cigar?

Are cigars cheaper than tampons?

Paula Jones asked her advisors, "Why is Monica more popular than me?" To which they
responded, "She was busier than you."

Monica Tongue Twister: Which wiggly wenches' slippery slit's sheathed cheating Slick
Willy's wee, wistful weenie lately?

I here Clinton was trying to signal Monica with his tie, I think it was an S.O.S.

George Washinton might have had false teeth, but Clinton is the first president to have a
false tounge.

Monica is by far the most famous intern to have ever worked at the White House. Its
getting to the point that during a tour white house the now have signs posted, "Monica
Sucked Here."

There's a new Clinton bumper sticker. It reads "Vote for the Man Who's Always on
Top."

Asked to comment on Clinton's testimony,
Starr replied In- Deffinately!

Good evening viewers, we interrupt your regularly scheduled program to bring you
President Clintons "Address" a-bout "a dress"

Clinton didn't have sex he was polling the constituency.
Leno 8/17

Clinton put the moan in testimony.
Leno 8/17

But I told the grand jury today and I say to you now that at no time did I ask anyone to
lie, I only asked them to kneel.

I asked a friend of mine if he was keeping up with this Monica Lewinsky stuff.
"Just the jokes," he said.

The new sign over the employee entrance at the White House reads
"Abandon hope all ye who intern here."

There's a new Bill Clinton computer coming out soon.
It will have a six inch hard drive, but no memory.

When asked about Monica's best feature the President replied,
"She's got the whitest teeth I"ve ever come across!"

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Page Updated Wed Sep 15, 1999 3:37am EDT