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battle of the sexes

The Last 11 Things Any Man Would Ever Say:

I think Barry Manilow is one cool motherfucker.
While I'm up, can I get you a beer?
I think hairy butts are really sexy.
Her tits are just too big.
Sometimes I just want to be held.
That chick on Murder She Wrote gives me a woody.
Sure I'd love to wear a condom!
We haven't been to the mall for ages, let's go shopping and I can hold
your purse.
Fuck Monday Night Football, let's watch Murphy Brown.
I think we are lost, we better pull over and ask for directions
No, I don't mind watching Thelma and Louise again.

The Perfect Day According to ... HIM

10:00am
Wake up
10:02am
Oral sex
10:15am
Big breakfast
11:30am
Drive up the coast in Ferrari with gorgeous blonde with big jugs
2:15pm
Enormous lunch
3:00pm
Oral sex
3:15pm
Play sports with the guys
4:00pm
Drink beer with guys
6:00pm
Meet Claudia Schiffer
6:10pm
Oral sex
6:25pm
Huge dinner, more beer
11:00pm
Full on, get down, gorilla sex

The Last 11 Things Any Woman Would Ever Say:

Could our relationship be more physical? I'm tired of just being
friends.
Go ahead and leave the seat up, it's easier for me to douche that way.

I think hairy butts are really sexy.
Hey, get a whiff of that one.
Please don't throw that old T-shirt away, the holes in the armpit are
just
too cute.
This diamond is way too big!
I don't mind throwing all these useless shoes out.
I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow.
Wow, it really is 14 inches!
Does this make my butt look too small?
I'm wrong, you must be right again.

The Perfect Day According to ... HER

8:45am
Wake up to hugs and kisses
9:00am
5 pounds lighter on the scale
9:30am
Light breakfast
11:00am
Sunbathe
12:00pm
Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
1:30pm
Shopping
2:30pm
Run into boyfriends ex, notice she's gained 30 pounds
3:00pm
Facial massage and nap
7:30pm
Candle light dinner for two and dancing
10:00pm
Make love
11:00pm
Pillow talk in his big strong arms

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN

Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her,
tease her,
comfort her, protect her, hug her, hold her, spend money on her, wine
& dine her, buy
things for her, listen to her, care for her, stand by her, support her, go
to the ends of the
earth for her....

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN

Show up naked, with beer....

Man's Rules for Woman

(In response to the popular "A Woman's 50 Rules for Men")

1. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down.

2. Don't cut your hair. Ever.

3. Don't make us guess.

4. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an
answer you don't want to
hear.

5. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.

6. He's never thinking about "The Relationship."

7. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every
other cat.

8. Dogs are better than cats.

9. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

10. Shopping is not everybody's idea of a good time.

11. Anything you wear is fine. Really.

12. You have enough clothes.

13. You have too many shoes.

14. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like
it.

15. Your brother is an idiot.

16. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.

17. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark
anniversaries.

18. Share the bathroom.

19. Share the closet.

20. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.

21. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

22. Nothing says 'I love you' like a sex in the morning.

23. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.

24. Check your oil.

25. Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.

ICQ ME 24345339

just_sum_one@hotmail.com

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Page Updated Wed Sep 15, 1999 3:37am EDT