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50 Fun Things to do in a Final That Does Not Matter
(i.e. you are going to fail the class completely no matter what you get on the final exam)

The credits that came with this:
Got this one from the IntlNet Joke-area. Originally: Andy Keuzer

Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.

Get a copy of the exan, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!"

If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.

Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril.

Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm SOOO sure you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.

Bring cheerleaders.

Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who the hell are you? Where's the regular guy?"

Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc...). Play with the volume at max level.

On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.

Bring pets.

Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go the the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off.

Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas". If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.

Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.

Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.

Come down with a BAD case of Turet's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.

Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.

Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.

As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.

Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.

Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.

Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.

Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB, BABE, etc...)

Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.

Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out "Fuck this!" and walk out triumphantly.

Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e. threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink).

Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy.)

Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"

Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.

Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until they drag you away.

Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been the every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.
Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say "You don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of Our Lives is on!"

Bring a water pistol with you. Nuff said.

From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.

Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.

If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.

Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield.

Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.

Bring cheat sheets FOR ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is obvious... like history notes for a calculus exam... otherwise you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit."

When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.

After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.

One word: Wrestlemania. Try to get people in the room to do the wave.

Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.

Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.

Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc... sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.

During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.

Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle.

Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say "it helps me think". Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don't forget to use the phrase "I told you so".

Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx Sucks".
Manny V
Torrington, CT USA - Sunday, February 14, 1999 at 21:58:42 (EST)

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Ways to annoy your Public Bathroom Stallmate-

1.Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your
neighbor,"May I borrow a highlighter?"

2.Say "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that."

3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the
silence with a bodily function noise

4. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."

5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh shit!! My glass eye!!"

6. Say "Damn, this water is cold."

7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place and sigh relaxingly.

8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"

9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."

10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it
erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while
yelling,"Whoa!
Easy boy !!"

11. Say," Interesting....more sinkers than floaters"

12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peaunt butter on a
wad of toilet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbor.
Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?

13. Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!!

> > 14. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot"

15. Say, "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small.Now what am I gonna do?"

16. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.

17. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.

18. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"

19. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free"

GILBERT REYNA
DALLAS, TX USA - Friday, February 12, 1999 at 10:18:24 (EST)
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Top US holiday destinations according occupations
*************************************************

Artists: Painted Desert, Arizona
Athletes: Olympia Heights, Florida
Candy Makers: Carmel, Indiana
College Professors: University City, Missouri
Ecologists: Green Bay Wisconsin
Firefighters: Smokey Mountains
Fortune tellers: Palm Springs, California
Geologists: Stone Mountain, Georgia
Gossip Columnists: Grapevine, Texas
Helicopter Pilots: Hoover, Alabama
Home Builders: New Castle, Pennsylvania
Jewelers: Pearl City, Hawaii
Landscapers: Garden City, Michigan
Lawyers: Accident, Maryland
Loan Officers: Fairbanks, Alaska
Lumber Jacks: Thousand Oaks, California
Manicurists: Finger Lakes, New York
Optometrists: Plainview, New York
Pastors: Chapel Hill, North Carolina
Pianists: Florida Keys
Podiatrists: Arches National Park, Utah
Politicians: Dodge City, Kansas
Prostitutes: Pleasure Ridge, Kentucky
Real Estate Salesmen: Loveland, Colorado
Refrigerator Repairmen: Chilum, Maryland
Retired Army Officers: East Point, Georgia
Sailors: Marina, California
Sheriffs: Marshalltown, Iowa
Tree Trimmers: Long Branch, New Jersey
TV Evangelists: Paradise, California
Tri Tran-Viet
Huntington Beach, CA USA - Wednesday, February 10, 1999 at 12:44:54 (EST)
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HOW TO TELL IF YOU ARE A SIXTIES CHILD
TRAPPED IN THE 90'S

Planning a mass love-in for December 31st in Times Square

Flashing the peace sign in the wrong neighborhood gets you beaten up by gang members

NBC has copywrited your acid flashbacks for a bad TV mini-series

You prefer basketball players to wear short shorts and knee-highs

No one paid attention to your sit-in protest, they just kept throwing you
change and walking away

"The Promise Keepers" sounds like a nice bunch of people to you

You think CNN is a new hallucigen

You are waiting for Martha Stewart to design a bean bag collection for KMart

You explore stock optioning your mail order business: Chia Pot

You write letters to local TV Weathermen to turn themselves in

You think the World Wide Web is a conspiracy theory

You think Hare Krishnas are a group of oppressed peoples

Everytime you hear a car alarm you run to your nuclear fall-out shelter

You hear all the hype about "The New Beetle" and you wonder which member
they replaced

Frappacino gives you flashbacks to the 80's

You think the VW Beetles are going to be the next hip trend

You think the government agents are spying on you through your 8-track

You ordered a microbrew, but it wasn't any smaller than a regular beer

You smoke less weed because CDs are so much smaller than LPs

"Getting lost in Cyberspace" sounds like something you did at Woodstock

You try to score 400 mHz of CPU because you want to use "The Gateway"

You think HTML stands for hatemail

You tried to listen to a CD but the needle scratched the hell out of it

You're still in therapy

You hijak a Celebrity Cruise ship to rescue Gilligan

When people mention the "Super Highway" you think they're talking about hitchhiking Route 66

You think Goldman Sachs broke away from Crosby Stills Nash & Young to form own band

Still trying to draft Timothy Leary as a write-in candidate for President

You think .com is code word for Communist Sympathizer

You think Free Willy refers to a member of the Chicago 7

And the last way to tell if you are a SIXTIES CHILD TRAPPED IN THE 90's:

YOU STILL THINK EASY RIDER IS THE GREATEST MOVIE EVER MADE

- Tuesday, February 09, 1999 at 16:39:17 (EST)
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A glossary of Medical Terms, and alternate meanings.
----------------------------------------------------

Benign................What you be after you be eight.
Artery................The study of paintings.
Bacteria..............Back door to cafeteria.
Barium................What doctors do when patients die.
Cesarean Section......A neighborhood in Rome.
Catscan...............Searching for kitty.
Cauterize.............Made eye contact with her.
Colic.................A sheep dog.
Coma..................A punctuation mark.
D & C.................Where Washington is.
Dilate................To live long.
Enema.................Not a friend.
Fester................Quicker than someone else.
Fibula................A small lie.
Genital...............Non-Jewish person.
G.I. Series...........World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail..............What you hang your coat on.
Impotent..............Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain............Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff.........A Doctor's cane.
Morbid................A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates..............Cheaper than day rates.
Node..................Was aware of
Outpatient.... .......A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear..... .......A fatherhood test.
Pelvis................Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative........A letter carrier.
Recovery Room.........Place to do upholstery.
Rectum................Darn near killed him.
Secretion.............Hiding something.
Seizure...............Roman emperor.
Tablet................A small table.
Terminal Illness......Getting sick at the Bus Station
Tumor.................More than one.
Urine.................Opposite of you're out.
Varicose..............Near by/close by.
Vein..................Conceited.

Tri Tran-Viet
Huntington Beach, CA USA - Monday, February 08, 1999 at 17:52:10 (EST)
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These are sayings that appear on actual shirts for sale:

Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.

Guys have feelings too. But, like...who cares?

Next mood swing: 6 minutes

I'm multi-talented. I can talk and piss you off at the same time.

Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.

I hate everybody, and you're next.

Please don't make me kill you.

I smile 'cause you've all finally driven me insane.

And your point is...

I used to be schizophrenic, but we're okay now.

You have the right to remain silent, so please shut up.

All stressed out and no one to choke.

If he only had a brain...

When I talk dirty to a woman it's sexual harassment.
When a woman talks dirty to me, it's $3.95 a
minute!

I'm busy-you're ugly-have a nice day.

I do whatever the voices in my head tell me to do.

Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.

I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.

Just because you have one doesn't mean you have to be one!

How can I miss you if you won't go away?

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

Don't worry, it'll only seem kinky the first time.

Of course I don't look busy- I did it right the first time.

Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?

4 out of the 5 voices in my head say "call in sick."

Sorry if I look interested - I'm not.

My I.Q. test came back negative.

Nobody knows I'm not wearing underwear.

Dogs think they are human. Cats believe they are God.

If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap & easy!

WHATEVER...

Eric Castellanos
Conyers, GA 30094 - Tuesday, January 26, 1999 at 18:07:12 (EST)
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These are the top 8 useless inventions which inventors have always thought of and done!

No 8: A glass hammer (Might as well break it!)
No 7: A glass nail (A member of the last invention!)
No 6: A helecopter with a injector seed (a favourite!)
No 5: A motorcycle with air-conditioning (with a built in stereo)
No 4: A Solar powered torch (It was made but i had to fill in the No 06)
No 3: A book that tells you how to read (yeah!)
No 2: A submarine with a flyscreen (that's good)
No 1: Clear liquid paper! (ha ha)
Peter Trang
Sydney, NSW Australia - Tuesday, January 19, 1999 at 03:56:27 (EST)
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23 ways to be annoying at work!

1)Page yourself over the intercom (don't disguise your voice).

2)Insist that your email address be "zena_goddess_of_fire@carlson.com"

3)Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over caffeine addictions--switch to espresso!

4)Everytime someone asks you to do something, ask them to sign a waiver.

5)Everytime someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.

6)Send email to yourself engaging yourself in an intellectual debate about the direction of one of your company's products. Forward the email to a co-worker and ask him/her to settle the disagreement.

7)Name all of your pens and insist that meetings can't begin until they are all present.

8)Make up nicknames for all of your co-workers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point Sparky", "No, I'm sorry I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Chachi".

9)Suggest that beer be put in the soda machine.

10)Include a piece of your children's artwork as a cover page on all reports that you write (if you don't have children - draw stick figures yourself).

11)Schedule meetings for 4:14pm.

12)Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.

13)Send email to the rest of the company telling them what you are doing (ie. "If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathroom").

14)No matter what anyone asks you, reply "okay".

15)Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN".

16)Plant a hedge around your desk area.

17)Determine how many cups of coffee is "too much".

18)Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

19)Compose all of your email in rhyming couplets.

20)"Hi-Lite" your shoes. Tell people that you haven't lost your shoes since you did this.

21)While sitting at your desk, soak your hands in Palmolive.

22)Put up mosquito netting around your desk.

23)Decorate your office with pictures of Cindy Brady and Danny Partridge. Try to pass them off as your children.

- Sunday, January 17, 1999 at 18:49:32 (EST)
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YOU CAN TELL IT'S GOING TO BE A DAY WHEN.......
You wake up face down on the pavment.
You put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
You call suicide prevention and they put you on hold.
You see a "60 Minutes" news team waiting inside you office.
Your birthday cake collapses from the wieght of the candles.
You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party and there aren't any.
You turn on the news and they're showing "Emergency Routes Hour" of your city.
Your twin sister forgot your birthday.
You car horns goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angels onto the freeway.
Your boss tells you not to bother taking off your hat.
The bird singing outside you window is a buzzard.
You wake up and your braces are locked together.
You walk to work and find your dress is stuck in the back of your pantyhose.
You call an answering service and they tell you it's none of your business.
Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife.
Your income tax check bounces.
You put both contact lenses in the same eye.
Your pet rock snaps at you.
Your wife says, "Good morning, Bill," and your name is George.
Becky
UT USA - Sunday, January 17, 1999 at 16:04:29 (EST)
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Sam Albahari
69 Jokes Road
Westport	Road	jokes
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