DOCTOR JOKES - Entertainment - http://maxpages.com/jokesrule/DOCTOR

An apple a day keeps the doctor away... if it's aimed well.

A psychology professor and a doctor are sitting on the porch of a nudist colony watching the sun set. The psychologist says to the doctor, "Have you read Marx?" And the doctor says, "Yes. I think they are from the wicker chairs."

Knew what is nice about haveing oldtimers?

A: You get to meet knew peolpe each day
wipperwill

Why do doctors give viagra to the old men in the nursing homes.

Answer: To keep them from rolling out of bed.

A man walks into a doctors surgery and says, "I've got a strawberry stuck up my ass. And the doctor Says, "I've got some cream for that"

So I walked into the doctors office and he says to me, he says "I'm going to have to look in your ass." Whatever that means!

When Mike came into the office for the results of some medical tests, the Dr. told him he had some good news and some bad news. Mike asked for the good news first. "Your penis is going to grow two inches and a inch in cumfrence."
"Thats terrific," Mike said, breaking into a big smile. "So what is the bad news?"
The doctor answered, "Malignant"

A college girl went to she her doctor about a rash she had on her chest. The doctor asked her to take off her blouse to have a look at it. 'This rash is very unusual' the doctor said, 'It's in the shape of an "M", where did you get this?' 'I'm not sure', she replied, 'but I recently met this guy from Michigan.' The doctor just shook his head and gave her a prescription for some creme.

Two weeks later the college girl return to she her doctor again. 'Doctor, I have another rash on my chest' she cried. 'Ok, take off your blouse so I can have a look at it' he replied. 'This one is in the shape of an "I", where did you get this one?' 'Oh', she said, 'I met this guy from Indiana' 'Okay' said the doctor. He wrote her another prescription and she was on her way.

Two weeks later, she return again with another rash on her chest. 'Okay, let's see this one' said the doctor.
So she took off her blouse and she had another rash in the shape of an "M" on her chest. The doctor saw it and said, 'I guess you're back with the boy from Michigan?'
'Oh, no' she replied, 'I met this girl from Wisconsin' *

A doctor prescribes some drugs to a man, the man
comes back later and says, "Why did my hair stand straight
up?" the doctor says "It's rogaine and viagra"

(If you don't get it, rogaine is a hair loss drug that
makes hair grow)

A man in post op comes to after a serious amputation of his leg. The doctor comes to him and says,

"I have some good news and some bad news, which would you like first?"

The man says, "Give me the bad news first!"

The Doctor says, "I am terribly sorry. We amputated the wrong leg!"

The man says, "OH MY GOSH!!! What could be good news after that?"

The Doctor says, "The guy in the next bed wants to buy your shoes!"

A head nurse in the hospital received a call: "could you tell me the condition of Mr. Smith in room 405. He was operated upon last week and I would like to know how he is."
The nurse checked the record and the chart and replied, "His condition is excellent and he seems to be making a steady improvement. Who shall I say called?. the voice replied: "This is Mr. Smith in room 405. My doctors don't tell me a thing!"

There's a elementry school on fire right off of the freeway and the first three cars to stop were a doctor a lawyer and a preist. the docter yells, "save the children". and the lawer says, "fuck the children" and preist says, "what you think we,ll have time"

An incontinant man accidently swallowed a Viagra tablet,went to the doctor who said this is the worst case of rising damp he had seen.

One day a nun went to the doctors and she thought she might have crabs so she went to the doctors and the doctor looked at her and was really confused he went out of the room and went and stared to talk with the nurse, after he came back in the room and he said I have good news and I have bad new. He said the good news is you dont have crabs but the bad news is your cerry is so rotton that you have fruit flies!!!!!!!!

One day, a man went to the doctor because he was getting a burning sensation everytime that he pooped. The docor told him that in order to get rid of it, he would need to clean out his colon once a week for the next month. He gave the man a cleaning rod and shoved it up his butt for the first cleaning. The man took the rod home and a week later tried to attempt the cleaning himself. However, he couldn't get it in at the right angle by himself so he called in his wife. She sympathetically shoved it up and cleaned his colon for him when he let out a gasp. "What is it Sweetheart?" asked his wife. "I just realized," answered the man "that when the docotor did it, he had both hands on my shoulders!!"

a man goes to the doctor and says doctor i have a mole on the end of my knob and the doctor says i dont think i can get it off youd better phone the R.S.P.C.A.

One day a man tried to get a job at a great company. He passed every test with flying colors. At the final interview part, the CEO told him that his constant blinking would bother customers.
"I can fix that with some Asprin. Just take some and I'l be better in a second"
So, he reaches into his pocket and pulls condom after condom out until he finds the Asprin. He takes it and his blinking goes away. The CEO says
"We don't approve of womanizing!"
The guy says "Oh! Nooo! Have you ever tried to ask a pharmacist for asprin while your winking>"

Things you don't wan't to hear during surgery...

I never knew you had that much blood in your body...
Go Long!!!...
Do you need your liver?
Nurse, stop playing around and pick that organ thingie of the ground
Let's see just how long your intetines are
...Jumper cables...socket wrench...blow torch...
How much is a whatchamacalit-liter?
How do you put in an I.V.?
Is blood supposed to come out of that?
Oh yeah! Wanna make somthing of it...
Has anybody seen my ham and swiss on rye?
Doctor, is it bad to be bleeding out of your eyes?
What is that green stuff?
Hey! Look what happens when I squish it!
What's it mean when the little green line goes flat?
You want me to touch it?
Mmmmmmmm! Tastes like chicken!
It doesn't matter if it's blunt, i'll use it!

patient : Doctor, Doctor I have a cricket ball up my arse !

Doctor : A cricket ball up your arse ? How's that ?

patient : Don't you start !

(very english joke)

How do you know if u r a good doctor.
You have a big pay check.

A woman goes to see a doctor because she hasn't had sex in months, let alone even a date.

The doctor's name is Chow.

Dr. Chow listens to the womans problem very intently. Thinks for a moment. Then says to the women, "Peeze to take off all you clothes."

The women stares back at the doctor, like she didn't understand.

Again the doctor says, "Peeze to take off all you clothes."

Now the woman complies, and removes all of her clothes. She is now naked in front of the doctor.

"Now, craw veeery fast across da for!" says the doctor.

The gets down on her hands and knees, and crawls quickly across the floor away from the doctor.

"Now, turn around and craw veeery fast back!" says the doctor.

The woman turns around and quickly crawls back to the doctor.

The doctor responds, "I know what you probrem is. You have Ed Zachary disease."

The womans stares at the doctor and says "Ed Zachary disease, what the hell is that?"

The doctor responds, "You face look ed zachary like you ass!"

You wanna play doctor.

A man has a glass eye, and every night he takes it out and puts it in a glass of water. One morning, half asleep, he picks up the glass and swallows his glass eye. The eye travels almost through his system, but gets stuck in last mile. Things are starting to back up. The guy goes to his Dr. and tells the Dr. he has a pain in his lower back. He says nothing about the glass eve. The Dr. gets him up ojn the examining table, starts to look up this guys ass, and sees the glass eye staring back at him. He says to the guy,.. "Look, you have to learn to trust me!"

There was a couple that was having sexual problems so the wife decided to seek the advice of a sex therapist. The sex therapist suggested that the wife give her husband a viagra pill and gave her a prescription.
The next day, the woman returned to the therapist and said that it worked really well, but questioned what would happen if she gave her husband 2 pills. The therapist said she didn't know, but to let her know the results.
The next day, she returned and told the therapist that it was really wonderful...but questioned what would happen if she gave him 5 pills. The therapist said she didn't know, but to let her know the results.
The next day, the woman returned to the office, big bags under her eyes, and super tired. She said the results were just fantastic. She then asked the therapist what would happen if she gave him the rest of the bottle. The therapist shrugged her shoulders and told her that she had never heard of that happening before...but to be sure to let her know the results.
The therapist didn't see the woman the next day...in fact, she didn't see her for severals days. Two weeks later, the therapist came out of her office and found the woman's young son sitting in the waiting room. She said, "Johnny, it's so nice to see you. How is your family--I haven't seen your mother for two weeks?"
John answered, "Well, my mother is dead...My sister is pregnant...I have a sore butt...and my dad is in the corner of the barn saying, 'Here kitty, kitty, kitty'!"

Did you hear about the guy that got a Viagra stuck in his throat?

He had a stiff neck for about three days.

A man takes his motionless dog to the vet.
"Doc, I think my dog is dead".
The vet looks the dog over, goes into a back room, and comes out with a cat. He places the cat on the table next to the dog. The cat walks around and sniffs at the dog.....dog does not move. The cat walks on the dog.....still no motion. Cat paws at, hisses, and scratches dog...still no response.
"Yep", says the vet, "He's Dead".
The man is given a bill for $500. "Why such a large bill?", the man exclaims angrily.
The vet replies, "That's our fee for a CAT SCAN".

Did you hear about the prostitute who had her appendix removed? The doctor sewed up the wrong hole and now she is making money on the side!

Did you hear the one about the deaf gynecologist?
he had to learn how to read lips.

(PERSON "A") Oh, I'm way depresed. That cute doctor dosen't even know I'm alive!

(PERSON "B") Um, I hate to brake it to you but if he dosen't know you're alive he's in the wrong profession

A man goes to see his doctor and finds out some bad news. The doctor tells him that he needs a brain transplant. The doctor explains that he can receive a man's brain for $100,000 or he can receive a woman's brain for $30,000. Being a bit confused the man ask, why is the woman's brain so much cheaper? The doctor replies, because the woman's brain is used.

I hear Monica Lewinsky could never become a docor, because she really sucked as an intern.

Top 14 Things You Don't Want To Hear in Surgery:

14) I did Tori Spelling's face, you know.

13) Better save that, we'll need it for the autopsy.

12) Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop.

11) "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness."

10) Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!

9) Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?

8) Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie

7) Damn! There go the lights again...

6) And now we remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of the ape.

5) Don't worry. I think it's sharp enough.

4) What do you mean "You want a divorce"!?

3) Oooooooh, did you ever see that much blood come out of one of those?

2) Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!

1) Sterile, schmeril. The floor's clean, right?

Five doctors went duck hunting one day. Included in the group were a general practice (GP) physcian, a pediatrician, a psychiatrist, a surgeon and a pathologist.

After a time, a bird came winging overhead. The first to react was the GP who raised his shotgun, but then hesitated. "I'm not quite sure it's a duck," he said, "I think that I will have to get a second opinion." And of course by that time, the bird was long gone.

Another bird appeared in the sky thereafter. This time, the pediatrician drew a bead on it. He too, however, was unsure if it was really a duck in his sights and besides, it might have babies. "I'll have to do some more investigations," he muttered, as the creature made good its escape.

Next to spy a bird flying was the sharp-eyed psychiatrist. Shotgun shouldered, he was more certain of his intended prey's identity. "Now, I know it's a duck, but does it know it's a duck?" The fortunate bird disappeared while the fellow wrestled with this dilemma.

Finally, a fourth fowl sped past and this time the surgeon's weapon pointed skywards. BOOM!! The surgeon lowered his smoking gun and turned nonchalantly to the pathologist beside him.

"Go see if that was a duck, will you?"

- Doc.. I am having a problem in remembering things..
- And when did this problem start?
- Problem?? what problem??

An 80 year old man went for his annual check up and the doctor said, "Friend, for your age your in the best shape I've seen."
The old feller replied, "Yep. It comes from clean living. Why I know I live a good, clean, spritual life." The doctor asked, "What makes you say that?" The old man replied, "If I didn't live a good, clean life the Lord wouldn't turn the bathroom light on for me every time I get up in the middle of the night."
The doc was concerned. "You mean when you get up in the night to go to the bathroom, the Lord Himself turns on the light for you?"
"Yep," the old man said, "Whenever I get up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for me."
Well, the doctor didn't say anything else, but when the old man's wife came in for her check up, he felt he had to let her know what her husband said.
"I just want you to know," the doctor said. "Your husband's in fine physical shape but I'm worried about his mental condition He told me that every night when he gets up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for him."
"He what?" she cried.
"He said every night when he gets up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for him."
"Aha!!!" she exclaimed. "So he's the one who's been peeing in the refrigerator!"

"Medical Board"

Dr. Cook was brought up on charges at the medical board. He had, it seemed, uttered the vilest profanity to his nurse.

He explained, "Let me tell you what happened. My alarm didn't go off, so I woke up late. When I did wake up, I tried to turn on the light in the lamp on my nightstand. The bulb exploded and scared me for a minute, so I pulled the cord out of the wall, and the lamp fell over and broke.

Then I was trying to make a little breakfast when a whole army of little Girl Scouts showed up and tried to sell me tons of cookies. I had to buy five boxes to get rid of the kids. By then my coffee was ice cold, and my eggs were burned. I gulped down a glass of juice. It turned out to be sour.

When I started to drive to the office, the car conked out. The alternator was gone. I didn't have my auto club card with me so I had to pay to have the car towed to a service station. I looked at my service book and discovered that the warranty ran out last week.

I took a cab to the office, but around Main Street somebody sideswiped us, and I hit my head on the door handle. I finally made it into my office when my nurse said, "Doctor, a shipment of thermometers just came in. What shall I do with them?"

An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling.
"I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun." The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle."
"And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.
Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No."
The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"
"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."
"That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor.

These two men walk into a vasectomy clinic for their operation. They were just sitting in the lobby waiting for the nurse to call out their names.

Finally the nurse came and called them into the "prep" room. She told them to get completely naked and relax.

She walked up to the first guy and started giving him a hand job and jacking him off. He asked her waht was the meaning of this and she said, "it is too clear all passages and prepare you for the vasectomy." He said alright and she went about preparing him.

The she went up to the next guy and started giving him a blowjob. She started sucking and he said "I guess this is to prepare me for the surgery, right?" And she answered "Yes it is." And she went on a sucking.

Finally the other guy said "Hold on, this isn't very fair. I get a measely jerk-off and this guy gets a blowjob. It just isn't fair."

The nurse said "That is the difference between Blue Cross and HMO."

Top Ten Slogans Currently Being Considered by Viagra:

10. "Viagra. The quicker dicker upper"
9. "One-a-day, like iron"
8. "Get a piece of the rock"
7. "You've come a long way, baby"
6. "Viagra, it plumps when you take 'em"
5. "Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman"
4. "Tastes great, more filling"
3. "Viagra, built ram tough"
2. "Here's the beef!"
and the number one slogan being considered by Viagra:
1. Just do her.

Sam Albahari
69 Jokes Road
Westport	Road	jokes
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Page Updated Fri May 14, 1999 8:20pm EDT