CLINTON JOKEZ 2 - Entertainment - http://maxpages.com/jokesrule/CLINTON_JOKEZ

So you liked the first one, yeah well I do say that I am a pretty good comedian once in a while. Anyway you came here to laugh your head off even more so you can tell your parents and your friends.

FROM MONICA'S DIARY

Entry 1
Dear Diary, I'm so excited! Just got a job as an intern at the White House.... and I don't know a thing about medicine. Don't even know what my duties are yet, but I hope it's a "hands on" position.

Entry 2
Dear Diary, You won't believe this! I snuck into the Oval Office when no one was looking. But then I dropped one of my contacts. So, I got down on my hands and knees and was looking for it when guess what president walked in. He said, "You must be the new intern." That man is psychic! I hope he likes me.

Entry 3
Dear Diary, I think the president likes me. Today he dropped his contacts on the rug and asked me to find them. I'm calling him "Bubba Cakes"...

Entry 4
Dear Diary, He really likes me.

Entry 5
Dear Diary, I have been sent to the stupid Pentagon to work. It is such a drag. Like they're going to put me in charge of heat-seeking missiles or something. I still talk to my Smucky on the phone. He calls me "1-900 Monica." (Means he thinks I'm one in nine hundred. Pretty special.)

Entry 6
Dear Diary, I met a really nice girl today. Her name is Linda. She's really cool except for that clown hair. Has she ever heard the word "conditioner?" She looks like Mrs. Ronald McDonald.

Entry 7
Dear Diary, I think Linda is hard of hearing. She keeps asking me to speak louder whenever we go out for a quiet dinner.

Entry 8
Dear Diary, Oh-oh. The bad news: I've been subpoenaed. The good news is that Vernon Jordan is my new best friend. I'm going job hunting with him tomorrow.

Entry 9
Dear Diary, I had to give an affidavit in that stupid Paula Jones' case. What is she talking about? There are no distinguishing marks. And, by the way, I am way cuter than her. She looks like David Brenner in drag.

Entry 10
Dear Diary, I've had it. I'm never going to be an intern again. I'm going back to Hollywood where they pay you for that kind of work.

Entry 11
Dear Diary, Finally got home to L.A. and hugged Daddy so hard I thought I would pop. It's the first time in six months I called a man "daddy" that I was actually related to.

Entry 12
Dear Diary, It is so totally fabulous being back in Brentwood where they really understand me. O.J. stopped by, and we had a drink together. He said his house is just a wreck lately. Anyway he told me don't worry, "If there's no spot on the dress, it's anybody's guess." He invited me out for dinner tonite - hope the restaurant keeps their knives locked up!

Entry 13
Dear Diary, All my girlfriends are so jealous of all the attention I'm getting from Kenneth Starr. I think they have a subpoena envy. And Linda Tripp. I hate her. I'm thinking of selling a Linda Doll. You wind it up and she stabs a Barbie doll in the back. Where did she get that wig?..

Entry 14
Dear Diary, Got to remember to tell Smucko-cakes my totally do-able solution to this whole wacky Iraqi crisis. He forgets that I worked at the Pentagons. Just have Vernon Jordan get Saddam Whatshisname a job at Revlon. (God,it's a no brainer!)

Entry 15
Dear Diary, They keep asking me if I had sexual relations with the president. I mean give me a break. That is so crazy. I mean, just because every day, when I worked at the White House, his name was at the top of my "To Do" list.

Entry 16
Dear Diary, Sometimes I wish some of the other girls who were in my position would stand up and be counted. But they might hit their heads on the President's desk if they did. Why do you think I keep my hair so thick!

Entry 17
Dear Diary, They keep talking about immunity... like I caught something from the Pres. or something. Truth is, there was always a secret service man outside the Office protecting us. Now, that's what I call safe sex!

Entry 18
Dear Diary, Omigod. Mom and I are both going to the grand jury. What is that about anyway? Sounds like some big hotel. Anyway, I guess I shouldn't have told mom about taking dictation in the Oval Office. Me and my big mouth!

Entry 19
Dear Diary, I'm not really worried. I've got offers to do some really cool movies that are going straight to video and starring me! The Full Monica, a sequel to In And Out, A Pack-O-Lips Now, Wag the Willy and my most favorite: Good Bill Humping. I hope Speilberg will direct! See ya...

TOP 11 CLINTON's EXCUSES

11. Excuse me "Your Honor", but she was on top!

10. I didn't want people to confuse me with the Pope on TV

9. She's not THAT young. In Arkansas, the age of consent is only 16

8. Hey, at least she's prettier than Paula Jones or Gennifer Flowers

7. I had to show the American People that I WASN'T impotent for my second term in office

6. I was jealous of Nixon with his 'Tricky Dick" nickname

5. I didn't leave a message on her voicemail. Get with it. This is the 90s, I sent her an E-MAIL!

4. See I'm not a Lame duck. She said I was pretty GOOD!

3. My real name is not William Jefferson Clinton, It's William KENNEDY Clinton.

2. I couldn't control myself. It was genetic. I was in her jeans -- Oops, I mean it was in my genes.

AND for those of you who remember the famous "I didn't inhale," comes the now soon to be famous #1 excuse...

1. "I didn't insert..."

Here is a story that all of you will crack up about, it is called:
NIXON, BUBBA & THE BEDPOST

Richard Nixon was always a strange bird, the pre-eminent foreign statesman of our era and a crooked flop domestically. This story helps to shed some light on a mysterious man.

One day Richard Nixon was offered the opportunity to congratulate a winning sports team. The team had just won the league championship, and in the euphoria, the President was invited into the lockerroom to congratulate the champs.

The first person they introduced the President to was the MVP, a huge strapping player named Bubba Smith. As the President was introduced to Bubba, Bubba was changing at his locker and his private parts became exposed briefly. Nixon couldn't help but notice the massive size of Bubba's manhood.

The President was always odd, but never really shy. He remarked to Bubba that he couldn't help but notice how 'large' Bubba was and asked Bubba if he could explain --was this natural or was this due to some unnatural method of enlargement?

Bubba said that he was always big, but that he made it MUCH larger by his secret patented method -- beating it against the bedpost exactly 25 times before getting into bed with his ladyfriend.

"That's it?" exclaimed the President, "You just beat it exactly 25 times and you become huge like that?" "Yup," replied Bubba.

So that night the President snuck into the private residence portion of the White House and entered the first couple's bedroom. He undressed and decided to try the method taught to him earlier by Bubba Smith.

So...the President walked over to the bed and started beating it, and got to about the 10th beating when a sleepy and groggy Pat Nixon mumbled...

"Bubba, is that you?"

This is Funny
" The Starr Spangled Banter "

(sung to the tune of our national anthem)

Oh Ken Starr, OIC
You write so graphically
That Bill proudly inhaled
The cigar he was preening

Whose broad swipes at Ken Starr
Through the nefarious fight
O'er the networks we watched
You stood gallantly gleaning

Through Whitewater and Jones
To the sex on the phones
You gave proof of the nights
That the pres had been blown

Oh say will Ken Starr's spangled banter make waves
O'er this land of TV
To our homes, you deprave.

CLINTON AND THE GENIE

Bill Clinton was jogging along the beach when he came upon a Genie's lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it around, and lo-and-behold a Genie appeared! Bill was amazed and startled, and asked the genie if he got three wishes? "No" said the genie "I'm afraid that due to constant down sizing, world stock market volatility, fierce global competition, deflation and low wages in asian countries, I can only grant you but one wish sir. So please, what will it be?..."

Bill didn't hesitate. He said, "There is something near and dear to my heart; I would like to see peace in the Middle East. Here, see this map? I want all these countries to stop fighting and make peace among them."

The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Gadzooks, man! These countries have been at war for thousands of years. The hatred among them runs deep. Many have tried and failed at what you ask. I'm good but not THAT good. I just don't think it can be done. Please, could you make another wish?"

Bill thought for a minute, and then said, "Well you know, people just don't like my wife Hillary. They think she's bad tempered, has a big butt, and pushes me around too much. I wish for her to be the most beautiful woman in the world and have everybody really like her. OK, that's what I want."

The Genie let out a long sigh and said, "William, let me see that map again!..."

Sam Albahari
69 Jokes Road
Westport	Road	jokes
*-**
Fax *-**
JrDuke100m@AOL.com

Sign Guestbook

View Guestbook

Visitors: 02973

Page Updated Fri May 14, 1999 8:20pm EDT