Really Funny Jokes! - I thought these were some of the funniest jokes! - Jokes - http://maxpages.com/jokesngamesinc/Really_Funny

A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived. "My Goodness!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant! Are you OK ma'am?" "Yes officer, I'm just fine!" the blonde chirped. "Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car. "Officer,it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this tree pops up in front of me! So I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was another tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved tot he left and there was..." "Uh, ma'am", the officer cut her off "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."

A blonde got on a horse and started to ride it. It began to move very quickly and she couldn't hold on,so she let go, and she would've fallen off, except her foot was caught on the horse's leg, so she was being violently dragged by the horse. She screamed for help, but no reply, until, a valiant young lad came to her rescue. The Wal-Mart worker shut off the horse.

A blonde was driving back from the mall when there was a terrible hail storm. Huge hail stones the size of golf balls pelted her car leaving it full of dents. She drove to the body shop and asked what she should do. The body man explained what needed to be done and that it would cost at least $4,000 to repair. She said that was too much and asked if there was some other way to fix it. The body man decided to have a little fun and said, "Well, you could blow into the tail pipe real hard and they might pop back out!" he said sarcastically. She decided to give it a try before spending that much money. She drove home and was in the garage with her lips wrapped around the exhaust pipe when her blonde neighbor came over to visit. "What are you doing?" she shrieked thinking the worst and thankful that she may have just prevented her friend from committing suicide. "I'm blowing into the tail pipe real hard to pop all these dents out of the car," explained the first blonde. "well silly, it's not going to work," replied her neighbor. "Why not?" asked the first blonde. "Because, you've got to roll of up the windows first!"

A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and went out for a drive when she cut off a truck driver. He motioned for her to pull over to the side of the road. When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled out a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the road and told the blonde "Stand in the circle and DON'T MOVE!!!" he shouted. He then went to her car with a knife and cut up her leather seats. When he turned around, she had a slight grin on her face, so he said "Oh, you think that's funny? Watch this!" He got a baseball bat out of his truck and broke every window in her car. When he turned around and looked at her, she had a large smile on her face. So he was really starting to get mad. He went and got his knife back out and sliced up all of her tires. The blonde started laughing and the truck driver was really starting to lose it. He went back to his truck and got a can of gasoline, pured it on her car and set it on fire. He turned around and the blonde was laughing hysterically, she looked like she was going to fall over because she was laughing so hard. "What so funny?" the truck driver asked the blonde. She replied, "When you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle 4 times!"

A blonde wanted to proove to her husband that all blondes weren't dumb, so she decided that she would paint the house to prove that she wasn't so dumb. She began to paint the house while he was at work, and when he returned, she was sweating profusely. He asked her "Honey, why are you sweating so much?" She replied "Well, when I was painting the house, the directions said 'Use 2 Coats'"

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said "We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the first on the moon!" The Blonde said, "So what, we're going to be the first on the sun!" The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian. "We're not stupid you know!" the Blonde replied "It's going to be a night mission!"

A Blonde was bragging about her knowledge of the state capitols to her friend, so he asks her "OK, if you're so smart, what's the capitol of Wisconsin???" the Blonde replied, "That's easy, it's W!"

Three women escaped from prison. One was a redhead, one a brunette, and one a blonde. They ran for miles until they came upon an old barn where they decided to hide in the hayloft and rest. When they climbed up, they found three large gunnysacks and decided to climb into them for camouflage.
About an hour later the sheriff and his deputy came into the barn. The sheriff told his deputy to go up and check out the hayloft. When he got up
there the sheriff asked him what he saw and the deputy yelled back, "Just three gunnysacks."
The sheriff told him to find out what was in them, so the deputy kicked the first sack, which had the redhead in it. She went, "Bow-wow", so the deputy told the sheriff there was a dog in it. Then he kicked the sack with the brunette in it. She went, "Meow", so the deputy told the sheriff there was a cat in it. Then he kicked the one with the blonde in it, and there was no sound at all. So he kicked it again, and finally the blonde said,
"Potatoes".

Two blondes were walking through the woods and they came to some tracks.
The first blond said "These look like deer tracks," and the other one said,
"No, they look like moose tracks."
They argued and argued for a while and they were
still arguing when the train hit them.

An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city. Upon their arrival the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight. The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her.
She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room.
"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?" The stewardess replied, "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

A Blonde goes into a casino in Las Vegas and walks up to a Coke machine. She puts in some money and a Coke comes out. She puts in some more money and another Coke comes out. She repeats the process again until she has twelve cans of Coke. All of a sudden a guy comes up to her and asks "Can I use the soda machine?" The blonde snaps "No! I'm winning."

A blonde and a redhead are watching the 6 o'clock news one evening. The redhead bets the blonde $50 that the man in the lead story, who is threatening to jump from a 40 story building, will jump. "I'll take that bet," the blonde replied. A few minutes later, the newscaster breaks in to report that the man had, indeed, jumped from the building. The redhead, feeling sudden guilt for having bet on such an incident, turns to the blonde and tells her that she does not need to pay the $50. "No, a bet's a bet," the blonde replies, "I owe you $50 dollars." The redhead, feeling even more guilty, replies "No, you don't understand, I saw the news earlier, so I knew how it was going to turn out." "That's okay," the blonde replies, "I saw it earlier too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."

Two Blondes are walking down the street. One sees a mirror on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmmm, this person looks familiar." The second Blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first Blonde hands her the compact. She looks in the mirror and says, "You idiot, it's me!"

A blond, not having the IQ to obtain a suitable job, decided that she would go out around the neighborhood and offer to do peoples house hold chores. After many discouraging refusals she arrived at the last house on the block. An older man answer and she asked if he needed any work to be done around the house. The man, no longer being able to do strenuous work, told her she could paint his porch. He told her that there were several cans of green paint in the garage and that when she was finished he would pay her. The blond went on her way. The man decided that he would take a nap. He had no sooner hit the pillow when he heard a knock at his door. He got up to find the blonde at the door. She quickly told him that she was done. Astounded at her speed the man was just about to ask how she had managed to paint so quickly when she added.. " If it were my Porsche I would have left it red!"

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys could get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you."

A blonde was in the kitchen cooking and she caught her house on fire. she called 9-1-1 and told them she had caught her house on fire and to get there right away. they asked her. "how do we get there." she paused and then responded, "your big red fire truck, duuuuuu..."

A blonde lived on a farm. He didn't get many visitors, so a friend went to
see him...when he got there, he was standing stiff as a board, out in
the middle of the cow paddock. His friend yelled out to him, and asked what he
was doing standing out there all still and straight. He replied that he
was trying to win a Noble Peace prize. His friend said, "Well, that's great, but
what are you doing in the paddock?" He replied, "I was reading the
newspaper, and it said all you had to do to win the Noble Peace prize
was to be outstanding in your field."

A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling
it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it. One day, she told her problem
to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, "There
is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."
"That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I only can sell the car."
"Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns
a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your
car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car."
The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one
month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell your car?"
"No," replied the blonde, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it."

There was a blonde who was sick of all the blonde jokes. One day, she
decided to get a make over, so she cut and dyed her hair.
She went driving down a country road and came across a herd
of sheep. She stopped and called the sheep herder over.
"Tell you what. I have a proposition for you," said the woman.
"If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take
one home?" "Sure," said the sheep herder. So, she sat up and looked
at the herd for a second and then replied "382". "Wow." Said the herder.
"That is exactly right. Go ahead and pick out the sheep you want to take
home." So the woman went and picked one out and put it in her car.
Then, the herder said, "Okay, now I have a proposition for you".
"What is it?" queried the woman.
"If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and
finally, after getting all the necessary items together, she made for the
nearest frozen lake. After positioning her footstool, she started to
make a circular cut in the ice.
Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice and began to cut yet
another hole. Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE
NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
The blonde, now quite worried, moved way down to the opposite end of
the ice, sat up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. The voice
came once more: "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "Is that you, Lord?"
The voice replied, "No, I'm the Ice-Rink Manager!"

A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about a job. In
the first room, she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor
wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out
"GREEN SIDE UP!" In the second room, she told the painter she would
like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked
to the window, opened it, and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady was
somewhat curious but she said nothing. In the third room, she said
she would like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this
down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The
lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?" "I'm
sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blondes laying sod
across the street."

Two blondes were roofing a house. One would pull out a nail and then
hammer it into the roof. Then he would pull out another nail, look
at it, then throw it over his shoulder. Blonde two eventually saw what
blonde one was doing, watched him a while and then said, "Why do you keep
throwing out every other nail?". The first blonde replied, "Because their
point is on the wrong end." The second blonde then said, "You airhead,
those nails are for the other side of the roof!"

A blonde driving a car became lost in a snowstorm. She didn't panic however, because she remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it."
Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes.
Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. And she explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in a snow storm, to follow a plow.
The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, do you want to follow me over to K-Mart now?"

A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had had happened to her ears?
"I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."
"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But .. what happened to your other ear?"
"The stinkin' guy called back."

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned about all his employees' well being, asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?" To which the blonde replies....."
Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away." The boss, feeling
very sorry at this point, explains to the young girl. "Why don't you go home for the day.....we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest."
The blonde very calmly states......"No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here."
The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual...."if you need anything, just let me know."
Well, a few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde hysterically crying!! He rushes out to her, asking, "What's so bad now........are you gonna be ok??"
"No......" exclaims the blonde. "I just got a call from my sister. She told me that HER mom died too!!"

One morning this blonde calls her friend and says "Please come over
and help me. I bought this killer jigsaw puzzle, but I can't figure out
how to start it."Her friend asks "What is it a puzzle of?"
The blonde says "From the picture on the box, it's a tiger."The
blonde's friend figures that he's pretty good at puzzles, so
he heads over to her place to help her out. She lets him in the door and
shows him to where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then studies the box. He then
turns to her and says:"First, no matter what I do, I'm not going to be
able to show you how to assemble these to look like the picture of that
tiger.". "Second, I'd advise you to relax, have a cup of coffee,
and put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."

There was three girls: a brunette, a red head, and a blonde. They where going to go on a hike in the desert and the brown head said she would take some food if they got hungry, the red head said she would bring water if they got thirsty, and the blonde head said she'd bring a car door........so if they got hot she could roll down the window.

A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she
decided
to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.
She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a
tree, and
told him, "I've kidnapped you." She then wrote a note saying,
"I've
kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag
and put
it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of
the
playground. Signed, A Blonde."
The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him
home to
show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and
sure
enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The
Blonde opened
the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could
you do
this to a fellow Blonde?"

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family
ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial
trouble. In
order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to
purchase
a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last
$600 dollars
out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale.
Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I
decide to buy
the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it
home."
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and
decides
she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it
for $599,
no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to
send her
sister a telegram to tell her the news.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a
telegram
to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch.
I need her
to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so
we can haul
it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her,
then adds,
"It's just 99 cents a word."
Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left.
She
realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.
After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want
you to send
her the word, 'comfortable.'"
The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going
to know
that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and
drive out
here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the
word,
'comfortable'?"
The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde."
"She'll read it very slow."

Sign Guestbook

View Guestbook

Jokes 'N Games Incorporated

http://www.maxpages.com/jokesngamesinc

Master2306@jokesngamesinc.zzn.com

scooterdude27@jokesngamesinc.zzn.com

Visitors: 13651

Page Updated Thu Dec 28, 2000 1:53pm EST