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| Dumb Criminals |
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| The Stupidist Criminal Acts Ever! |
All of these stories were taken from the book America's Dumbest Criminals. Thanks!
When police officers in a Louisiana city arrived at a vehicle accident call involving property damage, the driver was still on the scene, but not exactly "with it."
In a state of heavy inebriation, Montel Stenson told police that he had simply lost control of his European luxury car. During this momentary lapse, it seemed, he had wiped out an entire fence and slammed into a pole.
Officers on the scene were proceeding through their usual drunk-driver routines when Stenson suddenly went berserk. Running back to his automobile, he started it and began ramming one of the squad cars. Backing up and then hurtling forward, he continued to bash the police vehicle. He succeeded in pushing it up against a nearby garage before police were able to extract him.
What was the reason for this bizarre attack? Stenson told police that his European-made automobile had told him to kill the American-made car.
"I was just following orders," was Montel's truly dumb defense.
Gary Michaels of Chicago liked the finer things in life: fast cars, fine art, and expensive jewelry--stuff he couldn't begin to afford. But while peering through the window of the jewelry store, he reckoned his luck was about to change. This was the heist that would get him out of the hole.
Simple: Smash the window, grab the jewelry, and run. Quickly, Michaels spotted a street manhole cover. He pried out the one-hundred-pound disk, hauled it to the window, and heaved it through. Michaels grabbed all the rings, watches, and diamonds he could carry, then took off running. Turning the corner, he almost bowled over a couple doing some late-night window shopping. Panicked, he bolted back into the street, heading for an alley, and then disappeared from sight ... down the open manhole.
When Detectives Ted McDonald and Adam Watson of the Brunswick (Georgia) Police Dept. answered this particular home burglary call, they expected a routine report--missing TVs and VCRs, an empty jewelry box, perhaps a hijacked coin collection. But they were in for a big surprise.
As the two detectives drove to the address the victim had given them over the phone, they came up on a nice house in a middle-class neighborhood not far from their own homes. It was about five-thirty in the afternoon, and the victim had obviously just gotten home from work.
"The man whose house had been robbed was very upset," Watson remembers.
They could see where his sliding glass door had been pried open. It looked like an open-and-shut case of house burglary, one of several of the officers had been tracking. But this victim introduced a new wrinkle in the crime spree.
"When we asked him if any belongings were missing from his home, he replied very quickly and indignantly that, yes, somebody had stolen his stash of marijuana. I looked at my partner in disbelief. We couldn't believe our own ears, so we asked him again just to be sure.
"Could you repeat that, sir?"
The victim's eyes got bigger as the cold, hard realization hit him. He had just admitted to a police officer that he possessed an illegal drug. He stammered for a moment in search of an out. There was none.
"Are you admitting to possessing marijuana?" the detectives asked. The man appeared to be frozen in time. He couldn't take the words back, and he couldn't think of any more to say.
"Sir? Is that what you're telling us?"
"I . . . uh . . .well, no . . . not really," the man stammered.
"Well, then, what are you saying?"
"Well . . . nothing, uh . . . I . . . oh, nevermind," the man said. "Just forget it."
The officers turned and left as the man quietly closed the door, no doubt to sink into a chair and utter some expletives.
"We just left," Watson says. "With out the dope, we really had no case against the man. But we had a good laugh on the guy. And believe it or not, we've had several calls like that one."
Officer David Hunter, retired from the Knox County (Tennessee) Sheriff's Dept, told us this story of what might be the shortest trial in the history of jurisprudence.
At his criminal arraignment, the defendant stood before the judge.
"You are charged with the theft of an automobile," the judge said. "How do you plead?"
He expected to hear a simple "guilty" or "not guilty." Instead, the defendant tried to explain his whole defense as succinctly as possible.
"Before we go any further, judge," the accused man blurted out, "let me explain why I stole the car."
The judge's decision was made in record time!
Our research has shown not only that some criminals are dumb but also that some use fairly weird weapons. Some of the oddest weapons used: an index finger, an egg, a bowling ball, a wedge of cheese, an artificial leg, a twenty-one-pound turkey, a hot-fudge sundae, a banana, a frozen sausage, a lit cigarette, a one-and-a-half-pound Chihuahua, an insect, a snake, and a toilet seat.
We can just imagine a dumb criminal attempting an armed robbery with a wedge of Limburger.
"Give me your money, or I'll cut the cheese!"
Detective Chris Stewart of the Brunswick (Georgia) Police Dept told one of America's Dumbest Criminals field reporters about a robbery suspect he transported back to the scene of the crime for a positive identification.
"We had gotten a call informing us that a woman had had her purse stolen from a shopping complex," Stewart says. "A short time later, we saw a man who fit the description given to us by the victim. So we picked him up and took him back to the scene of the crime."
Stewart explained to the suspect that they were going to take him back to the crime scene and that when they arrived he was to exit the vehicle and face the victim for a positive I.D. The man in custody heard this when the detective radioed ahead to the officer with the victim. Stewart said he had a man in custody who fit her description of the robber and they would be arriving shortly.
When they arrived at the scene, the suspect did exactly as he had been told. He stepped from the car and looked at the victim. And before anyone could say anything, he blurted out, "Yeah, that's her . . . that's the woman I robbed."
Police were sure they had the right man when the suspect charged with a string of vending machine robberies paid his four-hundred-dollar bail entirely in quarters. |
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