Q: How do you play Taliban bingo?
A: B-52...F-16...B-1...
Q: How is Bin Laden like Fred Flintstone?
A: Both may look out their windows and see Rubble.
Q: What is the Taliban's national bird?
A: Duck
Q: What do Bin Laden and Hiroshima have in common?
A: Nothing, yet.
Q: What does Osama bin laden and General Custer have in common?
A: They both want to know where those Tomahawks are coming from!
Q: Why doesn't the Taliban have drivers ed and sex ed classes on the same day?
A: Because the camels can't handle it.
Q: What's the five-day forecast for Afghanistan?
A: Two days.
"More bad news for the Taliban. Remember how they are promised 72 virgins when they die? Turns out that it's only one 72-year-old virgin." —Jay Leno
"Osama bin Laden has hired 10 look-alikes. Now, how hard up do you have to be before you take that job? There's no way to win! If Osama dies, you don't get paid. If you're found, you get killed." —Jay Leno
"Osama bin Laden has ten look-alikes to fool us Americans. Ten look-alikes, and he's married to five of them." —David Letterman
"The Taliban is on the run and don't know where to go. Pakistan doesn't want them. Iran doesn't want them. Of course, they'll have no problem getting into this country." —David Letterman
"It looks like we are going to have to set up a new government in Afghanistan, which is not going to be easy. After our last election, look how long it took us to set up our own government." —Jay Leno
"In Afghanistan this week, outnumbered Northern Alliance rebels on horseback defeated Taliban forces armed with tanks. Experts say the victory is just like the story of David and Goliath and David's friend, the Stealth Bomber." —Tina Fey on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"
"Wayne Newton has officially replaced Bob Hope as the head of the USO celebrity tour and will depart November 12 to entertain troops overseas. Army generals say the biggest threat to Newton when he arrives in Afghanistan is friendly fire. When told Newton would be performing, American soldiers called it, 'our biggest setback so far'" —Jimmy Fallon on "Weekend Update"
"Geraldo Rivera is headed for Afghanistan. Boy, you thought those people hated us before." —Jay Leno
"President Bush addressed the nation on some of the networks. NBC and CBS refused to preempt 'Friends' and 'Survivor' for the president. So God forbid, let's hope the enemy never attacks on a Thursday night." —Jay Leno
"Did you see President Bush throw out the first pitch of game two of the World Series? The White House said it was a strike. The Taliban said it missed and killed several innocent people." —David Letterman
"President Bush has announced twice last week he does not have anthrax. Remember the good old days when the only thing we worried about the president catching was herpes." —Jay Leno
"I'm having a pretty good day so far. Got up early — took my cipro. Then I irradiated my mail and I'm good to go. I'm telling you, even if people sent me mail, I wouldn't be opening it now. Don't kid yourself, that e-mail isn't safe either. I turned on AOL today and that guy came on and said 'Welcome, you've got anthrax.'" —David Letterman
"There are now rumors that the Taliban has been poisoning the food we have been dropping. We should make a deal with the people of Afghanistan. We'll taste your food, you check our mail." —Jay Leno
"I was reading more about Osama bin Laden today. Turns out he started in the mailroom." —David Letterman
"I went to see that movie 'From Hell,' or as Osama bin Laden calls it — 'Roots.'" —Jay Leno
"One of the Taliban spokesmen said they have thousands of men who look forward to death like Americans look forward to living, which is great because we can arrange that. We'll set them up with death, we'll continue living." —Jay Leno
"People are wondering what will happen to Afghanistan when we're finished fighting there. I'm sure there are plans to rebuild the country, and a lot of times with rebuilding comes a name change. These are some possible name changes the government has been mulling over: Halfghanistan, Pothole-istan, Jenniferanistan, Assbackwardstan, Bye-bye-Talibanstan, Ass-Kicked-istan." —Jay Leno
"We are starting to learn more about Osama bin Laden. For his birthday one year, somebody gave him a $4 Timex. We know that. He is married to the daughter of a guy named Mullah Muhammed Omar. I think her name is Tiffany Omar. Insiders say that the marriage is not working out. Apparently they are living in separate caves." —David Letterman
