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Three men are being carted off to meet Madam Guillotine during the French Revolution. A Frenchman, An Englishman, and A nerd. The Executioner leads the Frenchman up the stairs and locks him in. He asks the Frenchman if he has anything he wants to say. The Frenchman says Vivre La France! The Executioner then pulls the cord but the blade fails to fall. The crowd goes wild, it's divine intervention and the Executioner lets the Frenchman go free. Next he leads the Englishman up, locks him in and ask's if he wants to say anything. The Englishman says, Tis a far better thing I do, tis a far better place I go... The Executioner then pulls the cord, and again the blade fails to fall. The crowd erupts, another divine intervention. The executioner lets the Englishman go free. He then leads the nerd up the stairs, locks him in and says, is there anything you want to say? The nerd reply's Well yeah, I think I see your problem up there.
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A nerd was walking on campus one day when his friend, another nerd, rode up on an incredible shiny new bicycle. The first nerd was stunned and asked, "Where did you get such a nice bike?"
The second nerd replied, "Well, yesterday I was walking home minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up to me on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, ’Take what you want!’"
The second nerd nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn’t have fit."
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A trucker hauling computers and accessories is driving down the highway late one night when he sees a truck stop on the side of the road. So he decides to pull over.
On aproaching the door he sees a sign that says: NO NERDS.
He shrugs it off and enters. He's greeted by the end of a shotgun barrel in his face. “Are you a nerd?” the bartender asks. “No, I'm a truck driver,” he replies. He's allowed to come in, so he orders a cup of coffee, sits at the bar and drinks it.
While he drinks his coffee, a man walks in wearing his pants up to his chest, a plaid shirt, pocket protector and thick-framed glass. The bartender pulls out his shotgun and blows him away. “What the hell did you do that for!?” asks the trucker. “Well,” the bartender answers, “It's nerd season.”
“Nerd season?” asks the trucker, confused.
"Yeah. See, the nerd population in this town is getting out of hand, so we've opened up nerd season.” So, with that, the trucker finishes his coffee and goes back on the road.
While he drives the car in front of him suddenly swerves and wrecks. To avoid becoming part the disaster, he swerves to get out of way. The swerve's to hard. His tractor trailer flips and he dumps his load all over the road. He gets out of his truck to see nerds coming from all directions grabbing everything they can. He doesn't know what to do. He's gotta stop this. Remembering what the bartender told him, he goes back to the truck and pulls out his gun and starts picking them off, one by one.
While doing this, a highway patrol officer starts running after him, waving his arms screaming, “STOP! STOP!”
“What?” the trucker asks, confused, “I thought it was nerd season?”
“Well yeah,” the officer answers, “but you can't bait 'em!”
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$ Michael Jordan having "retired," with $40 million in endorsements, makes $178,100 a day, working or not.
$ If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head.
$ If he goes to see a movie, it'll cost him $7.00, but he'll make $18,550 while he's there.
$ If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he'll make $618 while boiling it.
$ He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage.
$ He'll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends.
$ If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a whole 12 hours.
$ If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second.
$ He'll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be reimbursed $33,390 for that round.
$ Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into a tax deferred account (401k), his contributions will hit the federal cap of $9500 at 8:30 a.m. on January 1st.
$ If you were given a penny for every 10 dollars he made, you 'd be living comfortably at $65,000 a year.
$ He'll make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics, and about $15,600 during the Boston Marathon.
$ While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy Chicago restaurant, he'll pull in about $5600.
$ This year, he'll make more than twice as much as all U.S. past presidents for all of their terms combined.
Amazing isn't it? However...
$ If Jordan saves 100% of his income for the next 450 years, he'll still have less than Bill Gates has today.
$$$ Game over. Nerd wins.
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Signs that a Coworker is a Hacker
10. Everyone who ticks him off gets a $26,000 phone bill.
9. She's won the Publisher's Clearing House Sweepstakes 3 years running.
8. When asked for her phone number, she gives it in hex.
7. Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down
6. Somehow gets HBO on his PC at work.
5. Mumbled, "Oh, ouh-pleeez!" 256 times during the movie, The Net.
4. Massive 401 k contributions made in half-cent increments.
3. His video dating profile lists "public-key encryption" among
turn-ons.
2. Instead of the "Welcome" voice on AOL, you overheard, "Good Morning,
Mr. President."
And the number one sign that your coworker is a computer hacker:
1. You hear her murmur, "Let's see you use that Visa card now,
Professor-I-Don't-Give-A's- In-Computer-Science."
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God is seriously angry one day and decides to destroy the earth and
all mankind. He claps his hands, and in a puff of sweet smelling smoke
appear Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltsin, and Bill Gates.
"I've had it with all of you!" God booms. "I am giving you each one
week to go back, and warn your people!" With another clap of his hands, all
three of them disappear.
Upon returning, Bill Clinton immediately calls his cabinet. "I have
some good news and some bad news. The good news is that there is a God...the
bad news is that he is going to destroy the world in one week!"
Meanwhile, in Russia, Boris Yeltsin is having a similar conference
with his ministers of state. "I have bad new and worse news" he tells them.
"First, we were wrong ... there IS a God ... and second, he is very mad,and he
is going to destroy everything in one week!"
Strutting around on stage, Bill Gates speaks to all the employees in
Redmond. WA. "I have good news, and better news!" he tells his microsmurfs.
"First, God considers me one of the three most important people on
Earth! Second, we don't have to fix any of the bugs in Windows 98!"
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What if Dr. Seuss Wrote Computer Manuals?
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
and the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash
and the double-clicking icons put your window in the trash
and your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
Then your stiuation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash.
If the label on your cable on the gable at your house,
says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
But your packets want to tunnel to another protocol,
That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall.
And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang.
When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary RISC,
then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM,
Quickly turn off your computer and be sure to tell your mom!
