THE WRONG BAR
This guy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar. But what the heck", he says, "I really want a drink." When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the customer, "What's the name of your penis?" The customer says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink". The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis. Mine for instance is called Nike, for the slogan'Just Do It." That guy down at the end of the bar calls his Snickers, because 'It really Satisfies.'" The customer looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. So the customer asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of your penis?" The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX." The thirsty customer asks, "Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin!" A little shaken, the customer turns to the fella on his right, who is sipping a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you call your penis?" The man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because Quality is Job 1." Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford, lately?" Even more shaken, the customer has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his penis. Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my penis is Secret. Now give me my beer." The bartender begins to pour the customer a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why secret?" The customer says, "Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!"
SEX PILLS
One day in a doctor's office, "Doc, me and my husband haven't been having good sex lately. What should I do?" asked a mother of a daughter and son. "Well, here. These are sex pills. Slip one into your husbands coffee every morning and you'll have great sex." He replied. She took the pills and went home. The next morning she put one of the pills into her husband's coffee. That night they had great sex. The next day, she figured it be even better if she put two in, so she did. They had even better sex all night long. The next day, she said "Oh what the hell," and dumped the whole bottle into her husband's coffee. The next day the doctor came to the house to see how the pills were working and he saw a little boy sitting on the front steps crying. "What's the matter, little boy?" The doctor asked. "Well," the boy replied. "My mom's dead, my sister's pregnant, my bung-hole hurts and my dad's running around the house saying "Here kitty, kitty, kitty."
BUTTERY CORN
One day, two men were walking through an old town. "Man, I'm hungry," one said. "Yeah, me too." the other replied. Then they smelled the most wonderful smell in the world, freshly baked apple pies. Two of them. Sitting on a window sill to cool. "Hey, lets go ask if we can have those pies." the first one said and they ran to the front door. They knocked politely. "Yes?" a middle-aged woman asked as she opened the door. "Ma'am, those pies smell mighty tatsety, can we have them?" The first man asked. "Why sure! You came in here and I'll give to ya." she replied pointing two the second man. He walked in gingerly. After the door was closed she said, "Come with me." He followed her into her bedroom. She laid down and undressed and said "To get them pies, you hafta screw me." And she shut her eyes. The man looked down at her greasy nasty pubes. "Yuck," he thought, "I ain't stickin' my tinky-winky in there." He looked out the window and saw a stalk of corn. He pulled one off and shoved it into her and pulled it out. He quickly threw the corn out the window while she screamed. "Oh! Yes! Do me again!" He grabbed another ear of corn and shoved it into her. Again he pulled it out quickly and threw it out the window. "One more time baby," she yelled. "for the second pie." Agian he took another ear of corn, shoved it into her, pulled it out and threw it out the window. AS they walked to the front door she handed him the pies and he walked out. "Look bud, she gave us both the pies!" "That's cool, dude. Hey why don't we ask her for some more of that buttery corn I found by the window."
NUN IN TRAINING
Two nuns were riding a two person bike down a road. The head nun was in the front and the nun in training was in the back. When they went over a bump, the first nun heard the nun in training moan. "Are you okay?" asked the head nun. "Fine." And they continued. Then they went over another bump and the nun in training moaned again. "Are you sure you're okay? Is there a problem with your seat?" And the nun in training replied; "What seat?" ~Thanx Theresa
CHANGE YOUR ADDITUDE
The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right fromthe start of the marriage. He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on." The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers." He replies, "And don't forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!" The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!" He replies,"I can't get into your knickers!" "And you never bloody will if you don't change your attitude."
25 YEARS LATER
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?" The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry." Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?" He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
<>
GOBLINS
One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden. "You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!". So the goblin replies "OK, you caught me fair and square, what's your first wish?". The woman stops and thinks for a second, "I want a huge mansion to live in.", goblins replies "OK, you've got it.". Woman again thinks it over, "My second wish is a Mercedes." "OK, you've got that too." "My last wish is a million dollars!". The goblin then says "OK, you've got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me." "OK then, if that's what it takes..." Next morning the little man wakes the woman up. "Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?" "I'm 27", she replies "Fuck me," says the man, "27 and you still believe in goblins"
SPECIMEN CUP
There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well, I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.
SPERM BANK
A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples!!" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."
GETTING HERPES
This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window... He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs. "Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor? "Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies. He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer." Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts fucking her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?" She replies, "Yes, getting herpies - thats why I am here!"
THE FOURS KINDS OF SEX:
HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.
BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.
HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK YOU"
COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.
A TIGHT PUSSY
This couple were in bed getting busy when the girl places the guys hand onto her pussy. "Put your finger in me..." she asks him. So he does without hesitation, as she starts moaning. "Put two fingers in...", she says. So in goes another one. She's really starting to get worked up when she says, "Put your whole hand in!". The guy's like, "Ok!". So he has his entire hand in, when she says moaning aloud "Put both your hands inside of me!!!". So the guy puts both of his hands in! "Now clap your hands..." commands the girl. "I can't", says the guy. The girl looks at him and says "See, I told you I had a tight pussy!".
PUSH-UPS
A dog, a cat, and a penis are sitting around a camp fire one night. The dog says, "My life sucks, my master makes me do my business on a fire hydrent!". The cat says, "I don't think so, my master makes me do my business in a box of cat litter." The penis outraged, says "At least your master doesn't put a bag over your head and make you do push ups until you throw up!"
EATING GRASS
A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"
STILL A VIRGIN
A couple just got married and on the night of their honeymoon before passionate love, the wife tells the husband, "Please be gentile, I'm still a virgin." The husband being shocked, replied, "How's this possible? You've been married three times before." The wife responds, "Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was...oh, do I miss him!"
TONIGHT
John just graduated from clinical psychology and opens his first office. After some successful advertising he is astounded to have nearly 300 people wanting to be in group therapy. John decides to rent a big hall and invite the entire group. To break the ice, and to get the therapy started, John decides to ask a show of hands how often the attendees had sex. He first asks for a show of hands of all the people who had sex almost every night. A modest number of hands were raised. He then asks, how many had sex once a week? This time a larger number of hands were raised. John then asks how many had sex once or twice a month? Again a few hands were raised. After John polled his group several more times he noticed one guy sitting off to the side with this huge beaming grin on his face. John noticed that the guy never raised his hand, so he asked him how often he had sex. The guy said, "Once a year!" To John's dismay, he responds, "Why are you so happy getting sex only once a year?" The grinning guy responds, "Tonight's the night!"
BLIND MAN
A blind man interviews for a job as a quality controller at the local wood mill. The manager calls the blind man into his office and asks him how he expected to do this job since he was blind. The blind man replied he would do it by smell. The manager decides to test him and places a piece of wood in front of him. The manager asks, "What is it without touching it?" The blind man replies, "That's a good piece of fir." "Correct, says the manager, now try this one." "Thats a bad piece of willow," says the blind man. "Correct," answers the manager. With that, the manager decides to play a trick on the blind man. He get his secretary to lift up her dress and put her crotch in the blind mans face. "I'm confused," says the blind man, "Can you turn it around?" The secretary turns around and puts her ass in his face. The blind man says, "Oh, you're trying to fool me! But I know exactly what kind of wood that is. It's the shit hous"
DON'T CURSE AROUND YO MOMMA
A boy and his little brother are 11 and 7, respectively. One day, they decide to starting cursing like adults. The older boy decides he's going to say hell and the little boy, shit. They both go downstairs for breakfast and their mom asks, "What do you want for breakfast?" The older boy says "Aw, shit, ma can I have some cheerios?" His mom smacks him across the face and he runs off crying. Then she asks the little boy what he wants for breakfast and he says, "I don't know but it sure as hell won't be cheerios."
CHINATOWN
Ok so this man was walking through China-town and he realized he had to take a shit real bad, so he walked into this Chinese restaurant and went back to the restrooms. He sat down on the toilet and took a shit, afterwards he went to get some toilet paper but there was no more left, all there was, was a sign that read "There is no more toilet paper, but if you wipe your ass with your finger and then stick it through this hole then it will be cleaned by human lips, thank you and have a nice day" so the guy was like "EW that is so gross, but I can't go around China-town with shit in my pants" so he wiped his ass with his finger and stuck it through the hole, and on the other side there was a Chinese man with two cinderblocks and every time someone stuck there finger in the hole he would smash their finger between the two blocks. So when the man stuck his finger through the hole the Chinese man smashed his finger and the man reacted by pulling his finger out of the hole and was like OW OW OW OW OW (while he stuck the finger in his mouth).
Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a new church in their neighborhood. The pastor said "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks to show will-power." The couples all agreed and came back at the end of 2 weeks.
The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for 2 weeks?"
The old man replied.. "No problem at all, Pastor".
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.
Then he went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for 2 weeks?" The man replied, "The first week was not too bad, but the second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights..but, yes, we made it."
"Congratulations..Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.
The pastor then went to the newlywed couple and asked the same question,
"Were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"
"No, pastor, we weren't able to make it", the young man replied sadly.
"What happened, my son?" inquired the pastor.
"Well, my wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there!"
"You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church" said the pastor sadly.
"We know." said the young man, "We're not welcome at Safeway anymore either."
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning, the wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.
The husband asked, "Who was that?"
The wife said, "I don't know, some young woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."
After many months of trying to make ends meet, one California couple decided that the only way they were going to get any extra cash was to have the old lady start hooking.
Early the next morning the wife comes home looking very haggard and worn out. The husband guiltily asks how she did, and the wife replies that she earned four hundred and one dollars.
"That's great!" the husband replies. "But who gave you the one dollar?"
"Everybody!" replied the wife.
