1. Make him watch his own show.
2. Make him gargle broken glass.
3. Get children-sized mannequins and fill them with razor blades.
(kinda like the razored apple Halloween trick!)
4. Get him to read "The Canonical List of Blonde Jokes" to a room
full of feminists.
5. Send him to Sea World to see Shamu -enough said
6. Drop him from a bridge onto the in-bound lane of the Boston
Expressway.
7. Slap some antlers on his head and send him into the woods
during November.
8. Move every third molecule 3 feet to the left until he closely
resembles Picasso's "Guernica".
9. Nail his feet to his shoulders and use him as the Jamaican
bobsled in the 1996 Winter Olympics.
10. Hollow him out and fill him with Bac-o-bits, use as Swiss
Colony store display model.
11. Cryogenically freeze him, then cut out shamrock shaped pieces
of his body, dye green, and use as lapel pins for St. Patrick's
Day.
12. Shoot him.
13. "Barney, I would like you to meet Dr. Kevorkian...."
14. Let him be a guest on Geraldo...let the one armed,
Vietnamese, lesbian, bigamist rip his arms off.
15. Donate his body to science...early.
16. Well, just call my cousins Guido and Vinnie and tell them
that you kinda placed $200 in a bag under the rock in the
park....mention the fact that you would _love_ to have Barney's
knee-caps as conversation pieces.
17. Ask the owl in the tree, "How many layers of skin does it
take to get to the middle of a Barney?" Peel off layers of skin
one at a time.
18. Get him to show kids how to make and set off pipe bombs.
19. Have him magically turn the classroom into a vacuum ... watch
his body explode.
20. Strip off his flesh, bury the bones in your back yard, and
then dig them up, a piece at a time, selling them to your nearest
natural history museum. A complete dinosaur skeleton would be
worth a fortune! Death to Barney for fun AND profit!
21. Put him in Straight-Jacket (really tough & leathery).
22. Put him in one of those inflated bounce amusement park things
for a year or so...
23. Prepare him as food in any number of ways (deep fried and
breaded is my personal favourite) then grind up his bones for
fertilizer. Sell food to an enemy. Watch enemy become Barney.
Then repeat the process as many times as you like...
24. Sew his lips to his rectum.
25. Take him into space and put him into a decaying orbit.
26. Cut him up with a dull chain-saw.
27. Toss him into a blast furnace.
28. Make him a referee in an NHL game.
29. Tell the kids of the world that Barney wants you to eat your
vegetables.
30. Write a "101 Uses for a Dead Purple Dinosaur" book.
31. Make him listen to Jesse Jackson.
32. Put him in a guillotine; put the rope holding up the blade in
his mouth and then beat his ass with a jagged piece of metal
until he screams.
33. Put him on the Starship Enterprise. Make him go up to Worf
and ask him if it's true that all Klingons are really wimps.
34. Dip him in tar (anything sticky will do), cover him with
hundred-dollar bills and throw him into a pit full of lawyers...
35. Cut open his gut until the entrails lie splayed out on the
floor. Don't give him a needle and thread.
36. Tie him down in the middle of the Sahara Desert and let the
vultures have him. I am not sure that is a good idea because we
don't need to be that cruel to the vultures.
37. Duct tape him to a street light in South Central L.A. If we
are lucky, he will be shot in a drive by!
38. There is the old "Cement Overshoes", but that could be
considered water pollution.
39. Make him write, "I will not be a demon sent from the lowest
depths of hell" 100 times with a piece of chalk only 1/4 inch
long.
40. Lob a can of Nitro-nine under his purple butt.
41. Bury all but his head in an anthill. Cover with honey. See
how effective that torture method *really* is.
42. Shark bait. (Need to cut him up a little first...)
43. Let him take the place of a car crash dummy.
44. Have him clean up toxic waste/nuclear radiation sites,
without environmental gear.
45. Let him have a loooong visit in the Marinaras Trench.
46. Have him stand under the space shuttle during the next
launch.
47. Send him to inspect an underground nuclear test site, minutes
before the next test.
48. Send him to Somalia as famine relief.
49. Target practice.
50. Send him on a candlelight tour of the Wilson Dynamite
factory.
51. Pack his parachute all wrong and push him out of an airplane.
Then throw the chute after him.
52. Use him for testing Ginsu knives with Mrs. Bobbitt helping
out.
53. Get him to neuter a Pit-Bull Terrier.
54. Cruise missile target.
55. Plutonium enema.
56. "Charlie Manson? This is your new cell-mate."
57. Send him to Miami in a rented car.
58. Lock him in a room with 10 rabid raccoons.
59. Send him on a walking tour of the La Brea Tar Pits.
60. Make him become a politician in Mexico.
61. Take him bungee jumping. Forget to secure bungee cord.
62. Poke him in the belly. With an ice pick. See if he laughs
like the Pillsbury Doughboy.
63. Cast him in place of Mr. Bill on "The Mr. Bill Show"
64. Cut off his tail, and watch him fall on his face for lack of
balance.
65. Send him to Loch Ness. Maybe Nessie will try to mate with
him.
66. Cut off his arms and say "Where's that 'great big hug'
*now*!?!"
67. Shave his fur. ALL of it.
68. The Juice Tiger. It separates the Barney pulp from the
Barney juices.
69. Infiltrate the PBS stations and switch the "Barney & Friends"
tapes with "Beavis 'n' Butthead" and watch the kids burn him to
death.
70. Use him to insulate the steam pipes at your local nuclear
generating station.
71. Move the set of the show to an actual inner-city classroom.
72. Let him visit the local jail, shove him in a cell and let the
sex-starved convicts after him.
73. Use him as evidence to prove that the acceleration of gravity
is 9.8 m/sý on Earth. Oh! and make sure that it is off of the
Sears tower too.
74. Let him take a New York Subway at night.
75. Use his head to plug up leaky dikes in Holland. (that is the
water barriers, not the other kind).
76. Use him as a bungee cord.
77. Make him hug Madonna. (When she's wearing her pointy bra)
78. Let him help put out forest fires.
79. Teflon bullets to the skull, chest, and genitalia of the
beast.
80. Throw him into a combine.
81. Bazooka blast to the cranium.
82. Nuclear Bombs. Nuff said.
83. Tie him up like a pinnate and have small Mexican children
beat it to death.
84. Drown him in gasoline and then set it ablaze.
85. Throw him in a vat of methylene chloride.
86. Use him for an 18 wheeler's traction.
87. Have him inspect the space shuttle's engines at T+60.
88. Put him in a cage that houses 1000 Tokay Geckoes (irony is
that they're mostly purple too).
89. Have him change targets at a rifle range... without ceasing
fire.
90. Put him to work at the Mt. St. Helens Close Study Station
AFTER the next evacuation.
91. Use him as a test subject at the Army's Biological - Chemical
- Nuclear Warfare unit.
92. Place him underneath equal quantities of iron oxide and
powdered aluminum. (use lots of both... [ 100 pounds... mix
well, but carefully) Toss in a lit sparkler.
93. Freeze him with liquid nitrogen, and repeat step 83.
94. See if liquid helium has similar effects.
95. Cover him in a mixture of 110 Octane AvGas and Ivory Soap
Flakes. (mix until gel-like) You'll need another sparkler.
96. Force-feed him potassium chlorate solution.
97. Have him transported to Bosnia, where everyone over there can
unite under a single cause for once in a thousand years and kill
him!
98. Microwave ovens work wonders.
99. Tie him down in a chair and force him to listen to country
music, until even HE goes insane with all the sap!
100. Have him climb trees near overhead power lines.
101. Put him on trial for paedophilia. He'll kill himself.
102. Have him ask Fred Phelps about the good side of
homosexuality. NOTE: Fred Phelps is the biggest Gay basher on
the Earth.
103. Let HIM tell the baseball leagues they're not getting their
raise.
104. Tell him Jimmy Hoffa was a bad man and he should tell it to
the Teamsters.
105. Give him two bottles. #1 is filled with nitroglycerine and
napalm. #2 is full of pepper.
106. Tell the Menedez Boys he is in cahoots with their parents.
107. Put him on an LA freeway at 4:59.
108. Put him in Crypt gear in a Blood neighbourhood. (reversible)
109. Drain-O milkshakes.
110. Have him apply at Oscar Meyer as "Hot Dog Filler".
111. Make him wear a pentagram and send him to a Baptist church
112. Virtual Realty BarneyDOOM.
113. "Gee Mr. Tarzan, I thought apes were stupid."
114. Send him to a Buddhist Cafe and order the Filet-mignon.
115. Send him to France an have him declare he's American.
116. Let him drink the water in Juadalahara.
117. Get him married to O J Simpson.
118. Make him tell Rush Limbaugh he's a sissy.
119. Tell him nitroglycerine can be made in a paint mixer.
120. 100 cans of JOLT and a titanium steel vault.
121. Tell the NRA he supports gun control.
122. Send him to a country western bar and let him play heavy
metal.(reversible)
123. A Black Hole.
124. "Gee Mr. Barkley, I can play basketball better than
you......."
125. Make him run UNIX on a Tandy Colour Computer 3. (128k total)
126. Give him the box from Hellraiser and tell him it's a Rubix
Cube.
127. "Can I have a drink of that, Mr. Socrates?"
128. Enroll him on a 15 step program while on a 10 step pier.
129. Tell him piranhas like to be petted.
130. Fill the sandbox with quicksand.
131. Shove a Q-tip down his ear and through his head.
132. Shove him into a meat-grinder. (Don't actually cook the
meat and serve it, though!)
133. Lock him up in a tiny school locker, then shoot bullets
around him, thus scaring the living hell out of him, then either
let him die of shock and starvation or simply shoot him through
the door (but in the gut! That way he BLEEDS to death, slowly,
and painfully!).
134. Infect Baby Bop with some debilitating disease, then, since
Barney obviously has sex with her regularly, sit back and watch
the fun.
135. Inject him with all the chemicals that go into Hostess
Twinkies.
136. Pour equal, and large, amounts of ammonia and then bleach
down the purple one's throat( a funnel may come in handy) then
stand back and watch the corrosive chlorine fumes quickly melt
his organs from the inside out.
137. Tie him under a huge magnifying glass on a real sunny day;
you've made a new treat! "JURASSIC FRITTERS"!
