Jimmy the Irishman, David the Polishman and Tom the German visited a
strip joint.
The girl is shaking her stuff in front of them wearing a g-string.
David (showing off) pulls out a $20 bill, licks it and sticks it on her
ass cheek.
Tom (trying to show up David) pulls out a $50 bill, licks it and sticks
it on her other ass cheek.
Jimmy pulls out his ATM card swipes it down the crack of her butt and
puts the 20 and the 50 in his walletLet's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He
asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A
few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy
themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a
while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.
And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to
Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you
realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly
six months?"
And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very
loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him
that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our
relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of
obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.
And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.
And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of
relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so
I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going
the way we are, moving steadily toward . . . I mean, where are we
going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of
intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a
lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I
really even know this person?
And Roger is thinking: . . . so that means it was . . . let's see
...February when we started going out, which was right after I had the
car at the dealer's, which means . . . lemme check the odometer . . .
Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.
And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe
I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our
relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed --
even before I sensed it -- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes,
I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about
his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.
And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the
transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still
not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold
weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this
thing is shifting like a goddamn garbage truck, and I paid those
incompetent thieves $600.
And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be
angry, too. God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I
can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.
And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90- day
warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs.
And Elaine is thinking: maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a
knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right
next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a
person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about
me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl
romantic fantasy.
And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give
them a goddamn warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right
up their .... .
"Roger," Elaine says aloud.
"What?" says Roger, startled.
"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes
beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have . . Oh
God, I feel so . .... ."
(She breaks down, sobbing.)
"What?" says Roger.
"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight.
I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no
horse."
"There's no horse?" says Roger.
"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.
"No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.
"It's just that . . . It's that I . . . I need some time," Elaine
says.
(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can,
tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one
that he thinks might work.)
"Yes," he says.
(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.)
"Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says.
"What way?" says Roger.
"That way about time," says Elaine.
"Oh," says Roger. "Yes."
(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him
to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if
it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)
"Thank you, Roger," she says.
Thank you," says Roger.
Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted,
tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to
his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and
immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match
between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the
far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on
back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would
ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't
think about it. (This is also Roger's policy regarding world hunger.)
The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of
them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours.
In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and
everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring
every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning,
considering every possible ramification. They will continue to
discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never
reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it,
either.
Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual
friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown,
and say:
"Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?"
A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his
father, who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of
the car.
His father took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make
a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Bible
a little and get your hair cut and we'll talk about it."
After about a month the boy came back and again asked his
father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went
to the father's study where his father said, "Son, I've been
real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've
studied your Bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!"
The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad,
I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long
hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even
Jesus had long hair...."
To which his father replied, "Yes, and they WALKED every
where they went, too!"
=====
A gentleman, fresh out of gift ideas, bought his mother-in-law
a large plot in an expensive cemetery. On her next birthday, he
bought her nothing.
She was quick to comment loud and long on his thoughtlessness.
The gentleman said only one thing - "Well, you haven't used the
gift I gave you last year."
=====
=====
An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his doctor and his lawyer,
both church members, to come to his home. When they arrived, they were
ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room the preacher held out
his hands and motioned for them to sit, one on each side of his bed. The
preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the
ceiling.
For a time, no one said anything. Both the doctor and lawyer were touched
and flattered that the preacher would ask them to be with him during his
final moments. They were also puzzled; the preacher had never given them any
indication that he particularly liked either of them. They both remembered
his many long, uncomfortable sermons about greed, covetousness and
avaricious behavior that made them squirm in their seats.
Finally, the doctor said, "Preacher, why did you ask us to come?" The old
preacher mustered up his strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two
thieves and that's how I want to go."
This item of important research may be of interest to those with a more mature attitude.
"Yesterday, scientists for the USDA suggested that
men should take a serious look at their beer consumption,
considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed
the startling presence of female hormones in beer.
The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women.
To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each.
It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked
excessively without making sense, became overly emotional,
couldn't drive, I.Q. decreased by 25%, spent excessive money,
failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to
apologize when wrong. No further testing is required or planned."
=====
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were all sentenced to death by
firing squad. The Englishman was brought out first and the firing squad took
aim, when suddenly the Englishman yelled out, "AVALANCHE!" In the confusion
that followed he escaped. Next the Scotsman thought he would try something
similar. As the firing squad took aim he yelled, "FLOOD!" and he too made
his escape. Finally, it was the Irishman's turn. Confident of following in
his friends' footsteps, as the firing squad took aim, he yelled "FIRE!"
=====
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service,
and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last
night." The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did
he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father..."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
She says, "He said, 'Please, Mary, put down that damn gun...'"
=====
John was driving home late one night when he picked up a hitchhiker.
As they rode along he began to be suspicious of his passenger. John
checked to see if his wallet was safe in the pocket of his coat that
was on the seat between them, but it wasn't there! So he slammed on
the brakes, ordered the hitchhiker out, and said, "Hand over the
wallet immediately!"
The frightened hitchhiker handed over a billfold, and John drove
off. When he arrived home, he started to tell his wife about the
experience, but she interrupted him, saying, "Before I forget,
John, do you know that you left your wallet at home this morning?"
=====
A clergyman awoke one morning to find a dead donkey in his front yard. He
had no idea how it got there but he knew he had to get rid of it. So, he
called the sanitation department, the health department and several other
agencies but no one seemed able to help him. In desperation, the good
reverend called the mayor and asked what should be done. The mayor must
have been having a bad day.
"Why bother me?" he asked. "You're a clergyman.
It's your job to bury the dead."
The pastor lost his cool.
"Yes," he snapped, "But I thought I should at
least notify the next-of-kin."
=====
The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he
asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest
hears several confessions, then the old priest asks him to step
out of the confessional for a few suggestions.
The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest and
rub your chin with one hand." The new priest tries this. The
old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see, yes, go on,
and I understand, how did you feel about that?"
The new priest says those things, trying them out. The old priest
says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping
your knee and saying, 'No way! What happened next?'"
=====
Seems an elderly gent had serious hearing problems
for a number of years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have
him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the
gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back
in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing
is perfect. Your family must be really pleased you can
hear again."
To which the gentleman chuckled and said, "Oh, I haven't
told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the
conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
=====
Two guys left the bar after a long night of drinking, jumped in
the car and started it up. After a couple of minutes, an old man
appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly. The passenger
screamed, "Look at the window. There's an old ghost's face there!"
The driver sped up, but the old man's face stayed in the window.
The passenger rolled his window down part way and, scared out of his
wits, said, "What do you want?"
The old man softly replied, "You got any tobacco?"
The passenger handed the old man a cigarette and yelled, "Step on
it," to the driver, rolling up the window in terror.
A few minutes later they calmed down and started laughing again.
The driver said, "I don't know what happened, but don't worry; the
speedometer says we're doing 80 now." All of a sudden there was a
light tapping on the window and the old man reappeared.
"There he is again," the passenger yelled. He rolled down the window
and shakily said, "Yes?"
"Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asked. The passenger
threw a lighter out the window saying, "Step on it!"
They were driving about 100 miles an hour, trying to forget what
they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden there came some
more tapping.
"Oh my God! He's back!" The passenger rolled down the window and
screamed in stark terror, "WHAT NOW?"
The old man gently replied, "You want some help getting out of the mud?"
=====
On the way home from Church, little Ethan asked his mother,
"Are we really made of dust."
"Yes, we are," she answered.
"Do we really return to dust again when we die?"
"Yes, that is what the Scriptures say."
"Well, Mom," said Ethan, " last night when I said my prayers,
I looked under my bed, and somebody under there is either coming
or going!"
=====
Winters are fierce in northern Scotland, so the owner of the estate
felt he was doing a good deed when he bought earmuffs for his
foreman. Noticing, however, that the foreman wasn't wearing the
earmuffs even on the bitterest day, the landlord asked, "Didn't
you like the muffs?"
The foreman said, "They're a thing of beauty."
"Why don't you wear them?" asked the estate owner.
The foreman explained, "I was wearing them the first day, but
somebody offered to buy me a drink and I didn't hear him!"
=====
A drunk stumbles along a Baptismal service on a Sunday
afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to stumble down
into the water and stands next to the Minister. The Minister
turns, notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready
to find Jesus?"
The drunk looks back and says, "Yes sir, I am."
The Minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls
him right back up.
"Have you found Jesus?" the Minister asked.
"No, I didn't!" said the drunk.
The Minister then dunks him under for a quite a bit longer,
brings him up and says, "Now brother, have you found Jesus?"
"No, I did not!" said the drunk again.
Disgusted, the Minister holds the man under for at least 30
seconds this time, brings him up and demands, "For the grace
of God, have you found Jesus yet?!!!??"
The old drunk wipes his eyes and pleads, "Are you sure this
is where he fell in?"
=======================
www.druddy.freeserve.co.uk
Visit 'Jokes From Denis' for funny jokes.
=======================
saw St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter asked, "Who are you?"
and Pat replied, "My name is Pat, I'm an Irishman, born on St.
Patrick's Day, died on St. Patrick's Day, marching' in the St.
Patrick's Day parade."
St. Peter said to Pat: "Yes, this is true! Here's a little green
cloud for you to drive around heaven in and here is a harp that,
when you push this button here, will play 'When Irish Eyes Are
Smiling.' Enjoy it, Pat. Have a good time in heaven." Pat jumps on
his little green cloud, punches the button, and heads out with a
smile on his face and a song in his heart.
He's having a wonderful time in heaven, driving his little green
cloud around. But on the third day, he's driving down Expressway
H-1 with the harp playing full blast when, all of a sudden, a Jewish
man in a pink and white two-tone cloud with tail fins roars past
him. And in the back of this cloud is an organ which is playing all
sorts of celestial music.
Pat makes a U-turn right in the middle of the Heaven Expressway and
charges back to the Pearly Gates. He says, "St. Peter, my name is
Pat, I'm a proud Irishman. I was born on St. Patrick's Day, died on
St. Patrick's Day, marching' in the St. Patrick's Day parade. I
come up here to heaven and I get this tiny, insignificant little
green cloud and this little harp that plays only one song, 'When
Irish Eyes Are Smiling.' But, there's a Jew over there. He's got a
big, beautiful pink and white two-tone cloud and a huge organ that
plays all kinds of celestial music and I, Pat the Irishman, want to
know why!"
St. Peter stands up from his desk. He leans over and motions Pat
the Irishman to come closer. Then he says: "Pat, shush! He's the
Boss's Son!"
=====
McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini
after martini, each time removing the olives and
placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with
olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman
started to leave.
"S' cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled
over what McQuillan had done, "what was that
all about?"
"Nothin', said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me
out for a jar of olives!"
=====
Murphy was staggering home with a pint of booze
in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily.
Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running
down his leg. "Please Lord", he implored, "let it
be blood!!"
======
One summer evening, during a violent thunderstorm, a mother was tucking
her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked
with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said
"I have to sleep in daddy's room."
A long silence was broken at last by his shaking little voice, "The big
sissy."
==========
A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden
he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.
He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave
with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827. Then he
realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played
backwards! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to
return with him.
By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed.
This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it
is being played backwards.
Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return
with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backwards. The
expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse
order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.
By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered
arou |