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Bobby Knight:
"All of us learn to write in the second grade. Most of us go on to greater things."

Burt Bacharach:
"A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first thought of."

Oscar Wilde:
"Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong."

Anonymous:
"Life is a sexually transmitted disease."

Mae West:
"Whenever I'm caught between two evils, I take the one I've never tried."

Will Rogers:
"Everything is funny as long as it is happening to Somebody Else."

W. C. Fields (1890-1946):
"I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally."

Sears, Roebuck, and Co., Consumer's Guide, 1897:
"If you don't find it in the index, look very carefully through the entire catalogue."

Steven Wright:
"Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect."

Groucho Marx:
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."

Mark Twain (1835-1910):
"In Paris they simply stared when I spoke to them in French; I never did succeed in making those idiots understand their language."

Vice President Dan Quayle:
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."

John Russell:
"Sanity calms, but madness is more interesting."

Mark Twain (1835-1910):
"Good breeding consists of concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of the other person."

Caskie Stinnett:
"A diplomat...is a person who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip."

Clint Eastwood:
"There's only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it is I'll get married again."

Rita Rudner:
"My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping."

Albert Einstein:
"If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts."

Charles Emerson Winchester III:
"I've heard snappier comebacks from a bowl of Rice Krispies."

Vice President Dan Quayle:
"Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child."

Oscar Levant (1906-1972):
"There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line."

Lyle Alzado(Broncos football player):
"I don't really trust a sane person."

David Friedman:
"The direct use of force is such a poor solution to any problem, it is generally employed only by small children and large nations."

Jim Sherbert:
"Ever notice that fifteen minutes into a Jerry Lewis telethon you start rooting for the disease?"

Andrew W. Mathis:
"It is bad luck to be superstitious."

Calvin Trillin:
"The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found."

Groucho Marx:
"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."

Steven Wright:
"I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it."

Mark Twain:
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying that I approved of it."

Charlie McCarthy:
"Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy."

An English Professor, Ohio University:
"I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top."

Carrie Fisher:
"You can't find any true closeness in Hollywood, because everybody does the fake closeness so well."

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Page Updated Thu Mar 16, 2006 11:31pm EST