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| MATURE JOKES |
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| Warning.... NONE of these jokes are intended to be viewed by children, so if you are "under age" in the eyes of parents, government, or, uh, society, plz click back to a safer page.... THANX |
Stuck to the Tiles
Julia, a beautiful, blonde twenty-three year old, was just stepping out of the shower, when the heel of her long,
elegant left leg slipped out from under her on the wet bathroom tiles. At the same moment, her right foot slipped in just the opposite direction, leaving her in a "splits"-type position, quarter to three on the floor, causing her a degree of discomfort.
To add to her difficulty, the moisture on the floor created a vacuum seal around her intimate areas, leaving her stuck fast to the tiles. No matter what she tried to do she could not get up.
So, she called her husband, Brian, in to help her. He placed his arms under her armpits in an attempt to pull her up, but to no avail, she was stuck fast. After some thinking, he decided to get the neighbour, Derek, in to help.
Brian and Derek decided to grab one of her arms each and try to drag her to her feet, but even this didn't work.
So there they were, standing scratching their heads like a couple of builders faced with a tricky doorframe, when
Derek says "There's nothing else for it, mate. You'll have to break those tiles."
Brian has a think, and then moves round to the unfortunate womans front, reaches down and starts fondling her breasts and tickling her nipples. "What are you doing?" says Derek.
"I'm trying to warm her up a bit so I can slide her into the kitchen. The tiles in there are cheaper."
Clock Repair
A man walks into a clock repair shop and notices a beautiful woman standing behind the counter.
He walks over, unzips his pants, lays his member on the counter and says to the woman, "Can you fix this?"
The woman says, "Sir, this is a clock repair shop!"
He tells her, "Yea, and I would like a face and two hands on this."
Good Excuse
Sam comes home very late, and very drunk, and his wife is waiting for him at the door. She says, "You've been
out fucking around, haven't you?"
He says, "Nope."
She says, "Then explain the lipstick on your shirt."
He says, "That's easy. I used my shirt to wipe off my c*ck."
Fun With the Animals
A man from Arkansas and his wife were laying in bed. She was knitting and he was reading the latest copy of
"Animal Husbandry".
"Hey Maude," he says, "this here book says that the human female is the only female animal to experience the
pleasure of a orgasim."
Maude puts down her knitting, smile sweetly at him and says, "Prove it."
The man jumps out of bed and runs outside, leaving his wife to wonder what is going on.
A while later he returns all sweaty and tired and tells her, "Well, I'm sure the cow and sheep didn't, but the way
that pig's squealing, how can I tell?"
A guy is in bed with a girl.
He says, "You're flat and you're tight."
She says, "Get off my back."
How are a woman's breasts like electric train sets?
- They were originally intended for the kids, but Daddy always winds up playing with them. |
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