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| BAR Jokes, Anyone? |
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Lesbian
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A man walks into a bar and sits down next to a beautiful woman. He asks her if he could buy her a drink. She says, "Sure, but it won't do you any good."
He asks why.
"I'm a lesbian," she says
He looks at her confused and asks, "What's that?"
"Well, do you see that gorgeous woman sitting down at the end of the bar?"
"Yeah, she is really gorgeous."
"Well, I would like to take her home and make crazy, passionate love to her all night!"
The man starts to cry.
"What's wrong?" she asks him.
He says, "I think I'm a Lesbian too!"
My First Job
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A guy walks into a bar and asks for 16 shots of Gin. The bartender says, "WOW, that's a lot of booze. What's the occasion?" The guy says "I experienced my first blow job just ten minutes ago". The bartender says "That's great, let me buy you a shot". The guy says "No thanks, if 16 don't get the taste out of my mouth, nothin' will."
A Rude Drunk
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Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers
up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your
mom's the best sex in town!"
Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk
wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end.
Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy,
and says, "I just did your mom, and it was sw-e-et!"
Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back
to the far end of the bar.
Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked
it!"
Finally the guy interrupts. "Go home, Dad, you're drunk!"
The Sick Bums
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A bum walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a toothpick. The bartender doesn't think anything of it and hands the bum a toothpick. A second bum walks in and, as the other had, asked the bartender for a toothpick. The bartender curiously gives the bum a toothpick. A third bum walks in and asks the bartender for a straw. Confused, the bartender asks the bum why he asked for a straw and the other bums went in for toothpicks. The bum then replies, "Well, the woman outside threw up and all the good stuff is already gone."
Alligator Bet
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A guy walks into a coffee shop in Amsterdam with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the counter.
He turns to the astonished patrons and says, "I will make you a deal. I will open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He will then open his mouth and I will remove my unit unscratched. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me some blond hash."
The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the counter, dropped his pants, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth.
The crowd gasped as the gator closed his mouth.
After a minute, the man grabbed a huge stick and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The alligator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed.
The crowd cheered and the first of his free bowls was delivered.
The man took a few tokes, stood up again and made another offer. "I will pay anyone in the audience 500 dollars who is willing to give this a try."
A hush fell over the crowd.
After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A blonde woman timidly spoke up.
"I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the stick."
A Bar Bet
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A guy walks into a bar and quickly spots a mason jar full of ten dollar bills behind the bar. He asks the bartender what the jar was for. The bartender goes on to explain that the jar is the prize for winning a contest at the bar. Ten dollars to enter, winner takes all. So the guy asks the bartender what to do. The bartender explains "First, you have to walk over to the bouncer and knock him out with one punch. Then you have to go into the back room, there's a pitbull there with an impacted wisdom tooth. You have to remove it with your bare hands. Then there's a 90 year old woman upstairs, you have to perform oral sex on her until she climaxes." The man puts his ten dollars on the bar, walks over to the bouncer and swiftly knocks him out. He then proceeds to the back room. All sorts of growling, yelling and screaming is coming from inside. The man comes out, torn and tattered and shouts :"Okay, now where's that old lady with the impacted wisdom tooth!" |
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