ORDER IN THE DAMN COURT ROOM! - Jokes - http://maxpages.com/jokeforyou/Lawer

The scene is the darkest jungle in Africa. Two tigers are stalking through the jungle when the one in the rear suddenly reaches out with his tongue and licks the butt of the one in front. The lead tiger turns and says, "Hey, cut it out, alright." The other tiger sorry and they continue on their way. After about five minutes the rear tiger suddenly repeats his action. The front tiger turns angrily and says," I said don't do that again!" another five minutes, the rear tiger repeats his action. The front tiger turns and says, "What is it with you, anyway? I said to stop." The rear tiger says, "I really am sorry but I just ate a lawyer and I'm just trying to get the taste out of my mouth."

A very rich lawyer is approached by the United Way. The man from the United Way is concerned that the lawyer made over $1,000,000.00 last year but didn't donate even a cent to a charity. "First of all", says the lawyer, "my mother is sick and dying in the hospital, and it's not covered by healthcare. Second, I had five kids through three divorced marriages. Third, my sister's husband suddenly died and she has no one to support her four children..."
"I'm terribly sorry", says the United Way man, "I feel bad about asking for money." The Lawyer responds, "Yeah, well if I'm not giving them any money, why should I give you any?"

A pick pocket was up in court for a series of petty crimes. The judge said "Mr. Banks you are hereby fined $100." The lawyer stood up and said "Thanks, my lord, however my client only has $75 on him at this time, but if you'd allow him a few minutes in the crowd. . ."

Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were
overheard talking at the zoo one day. "My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy. "Tommy," replied the second. "My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy. Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer." "Honest?" asked Billy. "No, just the regular kind", replied Tommy.

What is the difference between a female lawyer bulldog? Lipstick!!!!

Did you hear they just released a new Barbie doll called
"Divorced Barbie"?
Yeah, it comes with all of Ken's stuff.

What's the problem with lawyer jokes?
Lawyer's don't think they're funny and no one else thinks
they're jokes.

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
None if they still have a secretary.

How does a pregnant lady know she is going to give birth to a future lawyer?
She gets this terrible craving for bologna!

A defendant was asked if he wanted a bench trial or a jury trial. "Jury trial," he replied. "Do you understand the difference?" asked the judge. "Sure," replied the defendant,"That's where twelve ignorant people decide my fate instead of one."

What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?
One is a slimy, bottom dwelling, scum sucker. The other is
a fish.

A judge was riding horses one day with a young lawyer friend. They came upon an open stretch of country and noticed a hangman's noose hanging from a tree, solemnly waiving in the wind. The judge turned to his riding companion and jokingly said, "Jacob, if that gallows had its due, where do you suppose you would be?" "Riding alone," quickly came the reply.

An Amish man named Samuel was injured when he and his horse were struck by a car at an intersection. Samuel sued the driver of the car. In court, he was cross-examined by the driver's lawyer:

Lawyer: Samuel, you've told us all about your injuries.
However, according to the accident report, you told the
investigating officer at the scene that you weren't injured at all, isn't that true?"
Samuel: Well ... let me explain.
Lawyer: Go right ahead (thinking he now had the plaintiff on the ropes). Please tell the jury.
Samuel: When the officer arrived at the scene, he first
looked upon my fallen horse. Finding him injured, the officer said to me, 'Looks like he has a broken leg,' and then he took out his weapon and shot my horse dead. Then the
officer came up me and asked me how I was doing. Of course, I immediately replied, 'I'm OK!'

After an electrician finished repairing some faulty
wiring in an attorney's home he handed him the the bill.
"Four hundred dollars!
For an hour's work?" cried the attorney, "That's
ridiculous! Why I'm an attorney and I don't charge that
much." To which the
electrician replied, "Funny, when I was an attorney I
didn't either!"

A millionaire informs his attorney, "I want a stipulation
in my Will that my wife is to inherit everything, but only
if she remarries
within six months of my death." "Why such an odd
stipulation?" asks the attorney. "Because I want someone
to be sorry I died!" came
the reply.

In questioning potential jurors for an upcoming trial the
Judge inquired, "Is there any reason why any of you
cannot see this trial
through to its conclusion?" A lone juror spoke up, "I
can't!" stated the woman, "Why, just looking at the
woman I'm convinced she's
guilty!" "Madam," said the Judge, "that's the
prosecutor."

A priest settled into a chair in a lawyer's office. "Is it
true," said the Priest, "that your firm does not charge
members of the clergy?"
"I'm afraid you're misinformed," stated the lawyer,
"People in your profession can look forward to a reward
in the next world, but we
lawyers have to take ours in this one."

Firemen and paramedics frantically work to remove an
attorney from his demolished car which was just involved
in a head on
collision. "Oh ... my Mercedes, my poor Mercedes ... Oh
...," the attorney kept repeating through his pain. "Look
fella," said the
paramedic, "Quit worrying so much about your car, your
entire arm has been severed below the elbow and you
could bleed to death!"
As the attorney looks down to see his arm missing, he
begins whimpering, "My Rolex, my poor Rolex ... Oh ..."

An attorney ran over to the office of his client. "I can't
believe it!" said the angered attorney, "You sent a case
of Dom Perignon to
the judge in your case? That judge is as straight as an
arrow. Now we're certain to lose this case!" "Relax,"
said the client, "I sent it in
the prosecutor's name."

While summing up the State's case against the alleged
despicable conduct of the defendant, the Prosecutor
addressed the jury,
"Ladies and gentlemen -- all I can say is that if Moses
had known the defendant, there would have been two or
three more
Commandments."

After her conviction of murder in the second degree, the
District Attorney, during her sentancing hearing said,
"Mrs. Packard --
after you put the arsenic in the stew and served it to
your husband, didn't you feel even a little remorse for
what you were doing?" "I
did," she said calmly. "And when was that?" quipped the
D.A. "When he asked for seconds!"

After his motion to surpress evidence was denied by the
court the attorney spoke up, "Your Honor," he said,
"What would you do
if I called you a stupid, degenerate, old fool." The Judge,
now also angered, revered, "I would hold you in contempt
of court and seek
to have you suspended from practicing before this court
again!" "What if I only thought it?" asked the attorney.
"In that case, there is
nothing I could do, you have the right to think whatever
you may." "Oh, I see. Then, if it pleases the court, let the
record reflect, I
'think' you're a stupid, degenerate, old fool."

What do you call a bus load of lawyers at the bottom of
the ocean?
A good start..

What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a
bar association convention?
The caterer.

Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
If one side has one, the other side has to get one;
Once launched, they can't be recalled; and
When they land, they screw everything up for the next
20 years.

A man walking along the beach one day finds a bottle. He
rubs it and, sure enough, out popped a genie. "I will grant
you three
wishes," said the genie. "But there is a catch." "What
catch?" the man asked. The genie replied, "Every time
you make a wish, every
lawyer in the world will receive double the wish you were
granted." "Well, I can live with that! No problem!"
replied the elated man.
"What is your first wish?" asked the genie. "Well, I've
always wanted a Ferrari!" POOF! A Ferrari appeared in
front of the man.
"Now every lawyer in the world has TWO Ferraris," said
the genie. "Next wish?" "I'd love a million dollars,"
replied the man. POOF!
One million dollars appeared at his feet. "Now every
lawyer in the world has TWO million dollars," said the
genie. "Well, that's okay,
as long as I've got my million," replied the man. "What is
your third and final wish?" The man thought long and
hard, and finally said,
"Well, you know, I've always wanted to donate a kidney!"

How many lawyer jokes are there?
Just two, all the rest are true.

A bored truck driver had a nasty habit of swerving to
hit attorneys he found walking along side of the highway.
One day as he was
driving along he came across a Nun who appeared to be
having car trouble. Pulling over to offer the Nun a ride
to the nearest service
station, the Nun graciously thanked the driver for
stopping and accepted his offer. After driving a few
miles the truck driver saw an
attorney walking along the highway. As was his custom,
the truck driver swerved to hit the attorney but, at the
last moment,
remembered he had the Nun as a passenger and abruptly
swerved away to avoid hitting the attorney. Surprised
upon hearing a loud
'thump' as he passed the attorney, the truck driver
peered in his rear view only to see the attorney lying
injured along side of the road.
"I'm so sorry Sister, I thought I missed hitting that
attorney!" the truck driver plead. "You did my son, but I
got him with the door!"
gleed the Nun.

A man walks into a bar with an alligator. "Do you serve
lawyers in here?", the man inquires.
"Sure do!", replied the bartender.
"Great!", the man said. "I'll have a Coors Light, and how
'bout a lawyer for my 'gator."

The lawyer's son wanted to follow in his father's
footsteps, so he went to law school. He graduated with
honors, and then went
home to join his father's firm. At the end of his first day
at work he rushed into his father's office, "Father,
father, in one day I broke
that accident case that you've been working on for the
past four years!" "You did what!" His father exclaimed.
"You idiot, what do you
think put you through law school!"

A man was sent to Hell for his sins. As he was being
taken to his place of eternal torment, he passed a room
where a lawyer was
having an intimate encounter with a beautiful young
woman. "What a ripoff," the man muttered. "I have to
roast for all eternity, and that
lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman." Jabbing
the man with his pitchfork, the escorting demon snarled,
"Who are you to
question that woman's punishment?"

A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summer
house in the country, to which he retreated for several
weeks every year.
Each summer, the lawyer would invite a different friend
of his (no, that's not the punch line) to spend a week or
two at this home,
which happened to be in a backwoods. On one particular
occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with
him. The friend,
eager to get a freebee off a lawyer, agreed. They had a
splendid time in the country - rising early and living in
the great outdoors. Early
one morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian
companion went out to pick berries for their morning
breakfast. As they went
around the berry patch, gathering blueberries and
raspberries in tremendous quantities, along came two
huge Bears - a male and a
female. The lawyer, seeing the two bears and sensing
danger, immediately dashed for cover. His friend,
however, being ignorant of
nature, was not so lucky. The male bear charged the
paralyzed Czechoslovakian, then swallowed him whole.
The lawyer, instilled with
fright, rushed back to his car and sped into town to get
the local sheriff. The sheriff, upon hearing the lawyer's
unsettling story, grabbed
his rifle and dashed back to the berry patch with the
lawyer following closely behind. Sure enough, the two
bears were still there. "He's
in THAT one!", cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, all
the while visions of lawsuits from his friend's family
lagged in the back of his
mind. He just had to save his friend. The sheriff looked
at the two bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his
rifle, took careful aim,
and SHOT THE FEMALE. "What did you do that for!",
exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other one!"
"Exactly," replied the
sheriff, "Would YOU believe a lawyer who told you the
Czech was in the male?"

What's the difference between a lawyer and a
trampoline?
You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.

A lawyer is standing at the gates to Heaven and St. Peter
is listing his sins:
1. Defending a large corporation in a pollution suit where
he knew they were guilty.
2. Defending an obviously guilty murderer because the
fee was high.

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Page Updated Sun Jul 10, 2005 8:44am EDT