Funny Jokes - Jokes - http://maxpages.com/jokeforyou/FuNnY

LIVER AND CHEESE

The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a doggie bar having a drink when a good-looking female Collie approaches and says, "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have a date with me."
So the Doberman says "I love liver and cheese."
The Collie says, "That's not good enough."
The Bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese." She says, "That's not creative."
Finally, the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone......cheese mine."

Wrong E-Mail Address

Typing in the wrong e-mail address could cause some serious harm. Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.
When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Signed,
Your eternally loving husband.
P.S. Sure is hot down here.

Damn Checking Account

A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a damn checking account."
To which the astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir; I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"
"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account right now!"
"I`m very sorry sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank." So saying, the teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to tell him about her situation. They both return and the manager asks the old geezer, "What seems to be the problem here?"
"There`s no friggin problem, dammit!" the man says, "I just won $50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank!"
"I see," says the manager, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"

Cat in Heaven

One day a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven. There he meets the Lord Himself. The Lord says to the cat "You lived a good life and if there is any way I can make your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please let me know."
The cat thinks for a moment and says "Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor."
The Lord stops the cat and says "Say no more" and a wonderul fluffy pillow appears.
A few days later 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and go to heaven. Again the Lord there to greet them with the same offer. The mice answer "All of our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs and even women with brooms. Running, running, running; we're tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so we don't have to run anymore?"
The Lord says "Say no more!" and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates.
About a week later the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow. The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him "How are things since you've been here?"
The cat stretches and yawns and replies "It is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. And those 'Meals on Wheels' you've been sending by are theeeeeeeee best!!!!"

The Good, The Bad, The Ugly

Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids
Bad: You can`t find your birth control pills
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there
Ugly: You`re in them

Good: Your husband understands fashion
Bad: He`s a cross dresser
Ugly:He looks better than you

Good: Your son`s finally maturing
Bad: He`s involved with the woman next door
Ugly: So are you

Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter
Bad: She keeps interrupting
Ugly: With corrections

Good: Your wife`s not talking to you
Bad: She wants a divorce
Ugly: She`s a lawyer

Good: The postman`s early
Bad: He`s wearing fatigues and carrying an AK47
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas

Going to the Gym

This fat guy sees an ad for a new gym guaranteeing to reduce
anyone's weight by 5, 10 or 20 kilograms on the first day. So he goes and tells them he wants to lose 5 kg. They strip him and lead him into a huge gym with all kinds of ropes and parallel bars and ladders and tell him to wait a minute.
He's standing there when on the far side of the gym a door opens and out steps a gorgeous blonde, stark naked, with a sign saying "If you catch me, I'm yours."
He starts running, and just as he gets close, she starts picking up speed.Before he knows it, he's running all over the gym, up the ladders, down the ladders, across the parallel bars, here and there. And just as he's about to catch the blonde, pop, she disappears through a door. In comes the management who lead him to the showers, and then weigh him. Sure enough, he lost exactly 5 kg. He's back on the street and starts to think. "Jesus, I was so close to
catching her. If I had a little more time..." So he races back to the gym and says, "I want to lose 20 more kg." "No problem," says the manager. Again he strips, and is led to the large gym. This time he's standing by the door when it opens. Out comes a gorilla with a sign "If I catch you, you're mine."

About Women

A little girl and her mother were shopping.The girl asks her mother "How old are you?" Mommy says "Honey, women don't talk about their age, you'll learn later on in life." The girl then asks, "Mommy. How much do you weigh?" Mommy says, That's another thing women don't talk about, you'll find out
when you are grown up." The girl still wanting to know about her mother asks, "Mommy, why did you and daddy get a divorce?" Mommy says, "Honey, that is a subject that hurt me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now." The little girl is frustrated.She tells her girlfriend about her and her mother's conversation. The girlfriend says, "All you have to do is sneak a look at your mother's drivers license. It's just like a report card, it tells you everything."
The little girl and her mother are shopping again.The girl says, "Mommy, I know how old you are.You are 32 years old." Mommy is very shocked! She asks "Sweetheart how did you do that?" The girl shrugs and says, "I just know, and I know how much you weigh. You weigh 120 pounds." The mother is flabbergasted. She asks, "Where did you learn that?"
The little girl says, "I just know, that's all, and I know why you and daddy got a divorce. You got an 'F' in sex."

OH SHIT

A boy and his father went golfing one day and his father went first. He missed the hole and said "Oh shit, I missed." His son said "Dad, you shouldn't say that. God will hit you with one of his lighting bolts." They went on to the next hole. Again, the father missed. "Oh, shit, I missed again."
"You shouldn't say that, dad," his son warned. And they went on to the next hole.
And again, the father missed and said "Oh, shit, I missed again." Just then a lighting bolt flashed down and hit the innocent boy. God looked down and said "Oh, shit, I missed again."

THREE GUYS IN A DESERT

There were three guys in a desert. A smart one, a kinda smart one and a dumb one. When their jeep ran out of gas they decded to walk. To lighten the load they decided to bring one thing each. The smart one said, "I'll bring this cantene, so if I get thristy I'll have water to drink."
The kinda smart one said "Well I'll bring this chair, so if I get tired, I can sit down."
Then the dumb one said, "well you guys got all the good stuff so I'll just bring this door."
"Why?" the other two asked.
"So if I get hot I can just roll down the window."

THREE GUYS IN A HOTEL

Three guys went to a hotel to rent rooms for the night. There was a smart one, kinda smart one and a dumb one. When they each asked for a room, the lady said there was only three rooms with beds left, one with a brick bed, one with a bed of dirt, and one with a bed covered in red fire ants. The smart one said; "I'll take the one with the brick bed." The kinda smart one said;
"I'll take the one with the bed of dirt" The dumb one said; "Well I guess I'm stuck with the bed covered in red fire ants." They all went to bed. The next morning at breakfast the lady asked "how'd you all sleep?"
The smart one said; "Good, but my back hurts."
The kinda smart one said; "Okay, but I'm all dirty."
"How'd you sleep?" The lady asked the dumb one.
"Excellent."
"Really?" They all said shocked
"Yeah."
"How?"
"I killed one fire ant and all the rest went to the funeral."

KNOWLEDGE

Once a man found a genie and wished to be the smartest person in the world. So the genie turned him into a woman.
~Thanx Theresa
[Note: please don't think we're sexist]

THE BIG BOMB

George Washington chopped down a cherry tree. Tiger Woods hit a golf ball. Sadamn Hosane dropped a bomb. One day, a man was walking home and he saw a little boy who was crying. The man asked "What's wrong, little boy?" The boy answered, "A tree with these little berries fell down on my kitten." The man walked on. A little farther on he saw a little girl who was crying. He again asked, "What's wrong, little girl?" She answered, "A golf ball hit me in my head." She showed him the big red bump on her head. He walked on. A little later in the day he walked up to a boy who was just laughing his little head off. "What's so funny?" he asked. The boy laughed more. He said, "I farted, and the house behind me blew up!"

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Page Updated Sun Jul 10, 2005 8:44am EDT