For men who take women out on a date - Not that scary, right? - Jokes - http://maxpages.com/jokeforyou/Father

> Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd
better be delivering a
package, becasue you're sure not picking anything
up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You
may glance at her, so
long as you do not peer at anything below her
neck. If you cannot keep
your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I
will remove them.

> Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for
boys of your age to
wear their trousers so loosely that they appear
to be falling off their
hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but
you and all of your
friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be
fair and open minded
about this issue, so I propose this compromise:
You may come to the door
with your underwear showing and your pants ten
sizes to big, and I will
not object. However, in order to ensure that
your clothes do not, infact
come off during the course of your date with my
daughter, I will take my
electric nail gun and fasten your trousers
securely in place to your
waist.

> Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world,
sex without utilizing a
"Barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let
me elaborate, when it
comes to sex, I am the barrrier, and I will kill
you.

> Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to
get to know each other,
we should talk aobut sports, politics, and other
issues of the day.
Please do not do this. The only information I
require from you is an
indication of when you expect to have my duaghter
safely back at my
house, and the only word I need from you on this
subject is: early."

> Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with
many opportunities to
date other girls. This is fine with me as long
as it is okay with my
daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with
my little girl, you
will continue to date no one but her until she is
finished with you. If
you make her cry, I will make you cry.

> Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my
daughter to appear, and
more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and
fidget. If you want to be on
time for the movie, you should not be dating. My
daughter is putting on
her makeup, a process than can take longer than
painting the Golden Gate
Bridge. INstead of just standing there, why
don't you do something
useful, like changing the oil in my car?

> Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a
date with my daughter:
Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything
softer than a wooden
stool. Places where there is darkness. Places
where there is danceing,
holding hands, or happiness. Places where the
ambient temperature is
warm enough to introduce my duaghter to wear
shorts, tank tops, midriff
T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a
sweater, and a First down
jacket - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a
strong romantic or
sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which
features chain saws are
okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes
are better.

> Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a
potbellied, balding,
middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues
relating to my daughter,
I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your
universe. If I ask you
where you are going and with whom, you have one
chance to tell me the
truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.
I have a shotgun, a
shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not
trifle with me.

> Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very
little for me to mistake the
sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper
coming in over a rice
paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts
acting up, the voices in
my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I
wait for you to bring
my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the
driveway, you should
exit the car with both hands in plain sight.
Speak the perimeter
password, announce in a clear voice that you have
brought my daughter
home safely and early, then return to your car -
there is no need for
you to come inside. Oh and by the way, the camoflaged face at the
window will be mine.

Other than that, you can do just about anything. Have a nice and quick
date!

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Page Updated Sun Jul 10, 2005 8:44am EDT