Dirty jokes - Jokes - http://maxpages.com/jokeforyou/Dirty

THE WRONG BAR

This guy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay
bar. But what the heck", he says, "I really want a drink." When the
gay waiter approaches, he says to the customer, "What's the name of
your penis?" The customer says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All
I want is a drink". The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve
you until you tell me the name of your penis. Mine for instance is
called Nike, for the slogan'Just Do It." That guy down at the end of
the bar calls his Snickers, because 'It really Satisfies.'" The
customer looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give
him a second to think it over. So the customer asks the man sitting to
his left, who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of your
penis?" The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX." The
thirsty customer asks, "Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies, "Cause
it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin!" A little shaken, the
customer turns to the fella on his right, who is sipping a fruity
Margarita and says, "So, what do you call your penis?" The man turns
to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because Quality is Job 1." Then he
adds, "Have you driven a Ford, lately?" Even more shaken, the
customer has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for
his penis. Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name
of my penis is Secret. Now give me my beer." The bartender begins to
pour the customer a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why secret?"
The customer says, "Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN,
BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!"

SEX PILLS

One day in a doctor's office, "Doc, me and my husband haven't been having good sex lately. What should I do?" asked a mother of a daughter and son. "Well, here. These are sex pills. Slip one into your husbands coffee every morning and you'll have great sex." He replied. She took the pills and went home. The next morning she put one of the pills into her husband's coffee. That night they had great sex. The next day, she figured it be even better if she put two in, so she did. They had even better sex all night long. The next day, she said "Oh what the hell," and dumped the whole bottle into her husband's coffee. The next day the doctor came to the house to see how the pills were working and he saw a little boy sitting on the front steps crying. "What's the matter, little boy?" The doctor asked.
"Well," the boy replied. "My mom's dead, my sister's pregnant, my bung-hole hurts and my dad's running around the house saying "Here kitty, kitty, kitty."

BUTTERY CORN

One day, two men were walking through an old town. "Man, I'm hungry," one said. "Yeah, me too." the other replied. Then they smelled the most wonderful smell in the world, freshly baked apple pies. Two of them. Sitting on a window sill to cool. "Hey, lets go ask if we can have those pies." the first one said and they ran to the front door. They knocked politely. "Yes?" a middle-aged woman asked as she opened the door. "Ma'am, those pies smell mighty tatsety, can we have them?" The first man asked. "Why sure! You came in here and I'll give to ya." she replied pointing two the second man. He walked in gingerly. After the door was closed she said, "Come with me." He followed her into her bedroom. She laid down and undressed and said "To get them pies, you hafta screw me." And she shut her eyes. The man looked down at her greasy nasty pubes. "Yuck," he thought, "I ain't stickin' my tinky-winky in there." He looked out the window and saw a stalk of corn. He pulled one off and shoved it into her and pulled it out. He quickly threw the corn out the window while she screamed. "Oh! Yes! Do me again!" He grabbed another ear of corn and shoved it into her. Again he pulled it out quickly and threw it out the window. "One more time baby," she yelled. "for the second pie." Agian he took another ear of corn, shoved it into her, pulled it out and threw it out the window. AS they walked to the front door she handed him the pies and he walked out. "Look bud, she gave us both the pies!"
"That's cool, dude. Hey why don't we ask her for some more of that buttery corn I found by the window."

NUN IN TRAINING

Two nuns were riding a two person bike down a road. The head nun was in the front and the nun in training was in the back. When they went over a bump, the first nun heard the nun in training moan. "Are you okay?" asked the head nun. "Fine." And they continued. Then they went over another bump and the nun in training moaned again. "Are you sure you're okay? Is there a problem with your seat?" And the nun in training replied; "What seat?" ~Thanx Theresa

The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom
decides to let the bride know where she stands right from
the start of the marriage.

He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at
her. He says, "Put those on."

The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers."

He replies, "And don't forget that! I will always wear the
pants in the family!"

The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him
with the same request, "Try those on!"

He replies,"I can't get into your knickers!"

"And you never bloody will if you don't change your
attitude."

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their
25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical
evening 25 years ago, the wife
asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in
front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your
brains out, and suck your tits dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you
thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps
up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want
to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone
on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a
woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron
this!".

One morning a woman was walking out of her front door,
when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her
garden.

"You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me
three wishes!". So the goblin replies "OK, you caught me
fair and square, what's your
first wish?". The woman stops and thinks for a second, "I
want a huge mansion to live in.", goblins replies "OK,
you've got it.". Woman again
thinks it over, "My second wish is a Mercedes." "OK,
you've got that too." "My last wish is a million dollars!".
The goblin then says "OK, you've
got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have
sex all night with me." "OK then, if that's what it takes..."

Next morning the little man wakes the woman up.

"Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?" "I'm 27", she
replies

"Fuck me", says the man, "27 and you still believe in
goblins"

How are women and tornadoes alike?

They both moan like hell when they come, and take the
house when they leave.

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger
wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm
count done. The doctor told
him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back
the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and
the specimen cup was
empty and the lid was on it. Doctor: What was the
problem? Elderly man: Well, you I tried with my right
hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left
hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing.
Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my
wife's friend tried. Right hand, left
hand, mouth....still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You
mean your wife's friend too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we
still couldn't get the lid off of the
specimen cup.

A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask
and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her
to open the sperm bank
vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't
care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to
the vault and inside are all the
sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm
samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are
sperm samples???" , "DO IT!".
So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that
one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally
after 4 samples the man takes
off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."

This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office
and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome
she is. All his
professionallism goes right out the window...

He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts
rubbing her thighs.

"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?

"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.

He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them
off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do
you know what I am doing
now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."

Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on
the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with
her. He says to her, "Do you know
what I am doing now?"

She replies, "Yes, getting herpies - thats why I am here!"

There are four kinds of sex :

HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex
all over the house in every room.

BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a
while, you only have sex in the bedroom.

HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many
years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK
YOU"

COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer
fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for
every penny you've got.

This couple were in bed getting busy when the girl places
the guys hand onto her pussy. "Put your finger in me..." she
asks him. So he does
without hesitation, as she starts moaning. "Put two fingers
in...", she says. So in goes another one. She's really
starting to get worked up when
she says, "Put your whole hand in!". The guy's like, "Ok!".
So he has his entire hand in, when she says moaning aloud
"Put both your hands
inside of me!!!". So the guy puts both of his hands in! "Now
clap your hands..." commands the girl. "I can't", says the
guy. The girl looks at him
and says "See, I told you I had a tight pussy!".

A dog, a cat, and a penis are sitting around a camp fire
one night. The dog says, "My life sucks, my master makes
me do my business on a fire
hydrent!". The cat says, "I don't think so, my master
makes me do my business in a box of cat litter." The penis
outraged, says "At least your
master doesn't put a bag over your head and make you do
push ups until you throw up!"

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a
dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally
gets up and says, "Damn, I
wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've
been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

A couple just got married and on the night of their
honeymoon before passionate love, the wife tells the
husband, "Please be gentile, I'm still a
virgin." The husband being shocked, replied, "How's this
possible? You've been married three times before." The
wife responds, "Well, my first
husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was
look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he
wanted to do was talk
about it. Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector
and all he wanted to do was...oh, do I miss him!"

On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to
change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom
showered and wearing a beautiful robe.
The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now,
you can open your robe." The beautiful young woman opens
her robe, and he is
astonished."Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you
are so beautiful, let me take your picture. Puzzled she
asks, "My picture?" He answers,
"Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my
heart forever".

She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into
the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe
and the new wife asks,
"Why do you wear a robe? We are married now." At that
the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY,
let me get a picture". He
beams and asks why and she answers, "So I can get it
enlarged!"

John just graduated from clinical psychology and opens his
first office. After some successful advertising he is
astounded to have nearly 300
people wanting to be in group therapy. John decides to
rent a big hall and invite the entire group. To break the
ice, and to get the therapy
started, John decides to ask a show of hands how often
the attendees had sex. He first asks for a show of hands
of all the people who had sex
almost every night. A modest number of hands were raised.
He then asks, how many had sex once a week? This time a
larger number of hands
were raised. John then asks how many had sex once or
twice a month? Again a few hands were raised. After John
polled his group several
more times he noticed one guy sitting off to the side with
this huge beaming grin on his face. John noticed that the
guy never raised his hand, so
he asked him how often he had sex. The guy said, “Once a
year!” To John's dismay, he responds, “Why are you so
happy getting sex only once
a year?” The grinning guy responds, "Tonight’s the night!"

A blind man interviews for a job as a quality controller at
the local wood mill. The manager calls the blind man into
his office and asks him how he
expected to do this job since he was blind. The blind man
replied he would do it by smell. The manager decides to
test him and places a piece
of wood in front of him. The manager asks, "What is it
without touching it?" The blind man replies, "That’s a good
piece of fir." "Correct,” says the
manager, “now try this one." "That’s a bad piece of
willow," says the blind man. "Correct," answers the
manager.

With that, the manager decides to play a trick on the
blind man. He get his secretary to lift up her dress and
put her crotch in the blind mans face.
"I'm confused,” says the blind man, “Can you turn it
around?" The secretary turns around and puts her ass in
his face. The blind man says, "Oh,
you’re trying to fool me! But I know exactly what kind of
wood that is. It’s the shit hous

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Page Updated Sun Jul 10, 2005 8:44am EDT